I open that bottle of whiskey and begin drinking it, each sip doing nothing for my heartbreak. Everything I want is in that room and I don’t know how in the hell to fix it. I’m burned out. My eyes sting, and my throat keeps feeling like it’s closing up. My head is pounding, and when I close my eyes I can feel my pulse banging. It’s torture listening to her. It continues for a while until I finally fall asleep from emotional exhaustion.
Then she’s there, helping me to my feet and allowing to speak to her. It’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, yet it gets me permission to hold her close, at least for one more night.
She’s fallen asleep, but I remain wide awake. I don’t want to waste a single moment I have left with her. I’m afraid if I close my eyes I’ll wake up to find her gone.
I’m nervous when she starts to stir. Her eyes are heavy as they meet mine in the dim lit room. I know I shouldn’t, but I have to kiss her; to feel those lips I love pressing against mine. I’m slow as I graze her skin, testing the waters to see if she’ll allow it.
All of a sudden she’s taking control, climbing on top of me while our lips crash together in a heated kiss. I shove her cotton shirt over her head and bring my face up to caress her tender breasts. Her hand reaches below and grips my cock. She’s fidgeting with the buckle to my belt, fighting to free it. I roll us over, pull the shirt from my head, and then focus on getting my jeans off before she loses her nerve. My body is shaking. I’ve never been this scared to be with a woman before. She’s fragile. At any moment she could push me away, so I’m not willing to stop and ask for permission.
I yank off her shorts, taking her panties with them. Then we’re completely naked. I’m hovering overtop of her tantalizing body, not knowing what I should do. She takes me by the hips and pulls me on top of her, so I nuzzle my face against her neck and lick until I’m at her earlobe. There’s no need for positioning. Her wet pussy is already perfectly in line with my rock hard cock. I thrust, my dick surrounded by the confines of her tight walls. It’s almost too much for me to handle.
Tamsyn brings her hands up to either side of my face. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m nervous.”
“Just make love to me, Josh. I need you. I need you to love me right now so I can stop hurting for a little while.”
We kiss again, this time I’m fighting from losing myself to my emotions again. This is what love feels like. When it’s great I feel high, and when it’s bad, I’m drowning without a life vest to save me. As our bodies move in sync, I’m forced to imagine this will be the very last encounter we’ll have. I’m trying to go slow, while Tamsyn fights for it to be fast. She wants to get it over with. I’m doing this for my own selfish reasons, and she’s just going to have to wait.
We remain in the same position. I need to look into her eyes when I come. I have to memorize her face when she falls apart with me, and as it begins to happen I feel her crying beneath me.
We’ve rolled over, her resting overtop of my bare chest. She’s drawing her fingers around like she always does afterwards. Neither of us have spoken yet, and it’s killing me. Each one of her sniffles makes it tough for me to keep it together. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you,” I whisper.
“You’ll be a good father. I’ve seen you with the little ones. You’re a natural.”
“I don’t want this, not with her.”
“If you want to be a part of the child’s life, you’ll have to make peace with Livvy.”
“When I look at her I see everything she’s taken away from me.”
“Life’s sacrifices aren’t ever easy, Josh.”
“I asked her to have an abortion.”
Tamsyn leans on her chin in order to look at me. “You did? You’d want her to end the pregnancy?”
I shrug. “I don’t know what I want.”
“Josh, can I ask you something without you getting angry with me?”
“Anything.”
“Does any part of you still love Livvy?”
“Anything except that.”
She’s quiet. “I guess I have my answer.”
“It’s not that. It’s complicated. I don’t want to have any feelings for her. I hate her, but at the same time I guess something made my drunk ass go through with it.”
I wait for her to push me away, but instead she rolls over with her back turned to me. Her body begins to jerk and I know she’s silently crying again. When I try to rub her back she shoves my hand away. “I can’t do this, Josh. I thought I could, but I know I won’t be able to. Things are going to change. You’ll connect with the pregnancy whether you both want to or not. I can’t be the reason you stay away. I won’t let you do that.”
I sit up. “What the hell are you saying? Are you trying to tell me to be with Liv, because that’s not going to happen. I don’t have to be with her to share responsibilities.”
“I’m saying that there is a chance any residual feelings you have for her may come back to bite you in the ass, and I’m not going to sit around watching it happen.”
“It won’t,” I try to reassure her.
“One week, Josh. I’ll stay here with you, but the moment we go home I’m moving out. I have to.”
“What if I can change your mind?”
“You can’t. Livvy is having your baby. You’ve loved her for years. I’ve only known you for several months. You do the math.”
“The math doesn’t prove shit.”
“It’s the right thing to do, besides, you and I both know I’ll probably never be able to trust you again. What good is a relationship without that?”
She’s right. I have to accept that she’s willing to stay with me for the remainder of the week. “Okay.” I kiss her hand.
“Can you ask your sister and Wes to keep the news a secret?”
“They already are. My parents didn’t even know.”
“Good. I don’t want it to be weird. I’ve been looking forward to this holiday for a long time. It would be nice to have this week with you. Maybe we can figure out how to stay friends.” She’s breaking down as she says it. “I’m so sorry, Josh. This hurts me. It’s killing me. I don’t want to lose this, but I can’t stay. I won’t share you.”
I pull her into my arms and hold her there. It’s terrible – all of it.
“I know, babe. It’s ripping me apart, but I get it.”
She rests her forehead over mine. “Just know that I love you. I’m angry. I’m in shock, but I still love you.”
“This isn’t the end of us. I swear it.”
Chapter 27
Tamsyn
I moved out of the Healy home on the Tuesday we returned to North Carolina. Josh helped me pack my things, the whole time begging me for another chance. After our episode the first night, I spent every second of the holiday with him, but never changed my mind. We kept the peace. He held me every night before bed, sometimes we’d cry. It’s was draining, but necessary. I’m glad I stayed. It was important for both of us to have some kind of closure, if that’s possible. I can’t sit around knowing someone else is carrying his child; someone who loves him and wants him for herself. I’ll never trust them. It won’t work.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward with my life. My short romance with Josh has left me wondering if I’m better off alone. I’m back at the dorms, but seriously considering going home. I need the support of my parents now more than ever.
I’ve promised Amy I’d stay in touch, though I know it will be too difficult to maintain a relationship with her while her son remains under her roof. He called me four times the first day, three, the second, and continues to send messages constantly. I’m hoping it wears off, not because I want to cut ties, but because it’s what we both need. I can’t hang on to hope that isn’t there.
A week after the breakup I receive a message from Livvy via text message. It’s short and to the point.
We need to talk. – Livvy
I wait a full day to
respond, because honestly, I have no idea if I want to face her. Everything that’s happening in my life is a direct result of her. On the other hand, it’s time she gets what’s been coming to her from day one.
When and where? – Tamsyn
We make plans to meet up in the parking lot of our old favorite ice cream shop. It’s been closed for years, so we’ll have plenty of privacy. After a long day of classes, I drive straight to the location and pull up next to her vehicle.
She’s wearing a pair of khaki pants and a white button down blouse, but her hair in up in a messy bun. She’s still pretty. I wonder if Josh thinks the same. Was it his attraction to her that he couldn’t fight?
“I’m here.” It’s all I can get out.
“Thanks for coming.” She’s leaning against her car with her hands in her pockets. I’d love to walk up and kick her ass, but she’s carrying a child and I’m not an asshole.
“I’m not doing it for you. I need answers, at the least an apology. You succeeded. You took away my chance at happiness. You ruined my relationship with Josh.”
“I didn’t make you break up. You did that yourself.”
“He cheated on me. Of course I’m not going to stick around for him to do it again.”
She laughs at my comment. “I’m pretty sure he’s learned his lesson.”
I roll my eyes. I hate her speaking to me like she knows him better than I do. “I’m not here to discuss what’s done.”
“Fine, I’ll get to the point. I’m going after Josh, and I want to make sure you back off. For the sake of our child I think it’s best if you weren’t still friends.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I love him. It’s bad enough I left, but you want us to sever all ties? Screw you, Livvy. I can’t force Josh to hate me.”
“Actually, you can.” She sighs. “I’ve made a ton of mistakes when it comes to him, but he’s trying to do the right thing and support me during this pregnancy. It’s a chance for us to start over. I’m not saying it will work, but I need to at least know you won’t be the reason.”
“You think you can force him to stop loving me? Go ahead and try.” I may not know everything there is to know about Josh, but I can feel his love for me. It’s still there. He’s just as heartbroken as the day I left. He still ends every single call with those three words. That’s probably why she’s coming to me. He’s obviously done it in front of her and she’s pissed about it.
“Have some respect for my unborn child.”
I hate her. She’s using that baby like I knew she would. “I hope that kid grows up to see you for the monster you are. You don’t deserve to be a part of his family. They’re too good for you.”
“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” She laughs. “You probably thought you were coming here to have me tell you I’m backing off of Josh, didn’t you?”
“I know better to believe a word out of your lying mouth.”
“Things happen for a reason. I told you he was mine and always would be.”
My fists are clenching at my sides. “Shut up.”
“What are you going to do?” She taunts. “I’m pregnant.”
“Your face isn’t pregnant. Keep running your mouth and I’ll take a few more steps and break every bone in your skull.”
Livvy shakes her head, but continues to smile as if she doesn’t believe me. “Give it your best shot. You wouldn’t dare.”
I shove her back. “You think I won’t? I have nothing left to lose. You took everything from me. Go ahead and try to win him back, Livvy. When you’re alone in his arms, just remember he’ll be wishing it was me.”
I’m about to cry, so I jump in my car and peel wheels out of the parking lot. She’s got me so worked up that I actually call Josh.
“Hey. I didn’t think I’d hear from you this early.”
I’m shaking profusely as I explain. “I just met with Livvy. That bitch wants me to…” I stop myself. “You know what, screw this. Don’t call me anymore, Josh. Be a father to your child. Have a good life. I can’t deal with this anymore.”
I hang up the phone and turn it off. Why bother trying when she’ll just keep coming at me? I can’t win this. I’d never ask him to choose me over his own flesh and blood.
It’s over. We’re through. The end.
Chapter 28
Joshua
It’s been three weeks since she’s taken my calls. After the conversation where she told me we were through, I’ve been climbing the walls, desperately trying to reach her.
I had to go to Liv for answers. She told me Tamsyn pushed her around and threatened to hurt her and the baby. She said Tamsyn told her she didn’t want anything to do with me. Although I doubt she’s telling the truth, I can’t get in touch with Tamsyn to ask her about it.
I’m going through hell. It hurts every bit as much as it did the day I lost her.
I’ve tried to go to the dealership, but her father asked me to leave his daughter alone. I went to the campus and she wouldn’t answer the door. I’ve emailed, and even posted to her social media accounts, but gotten no response.
It’s finally time to go to the doctors. Not only will we know if Liv is pregnant, but we’ll also be able to tell around when she conceived. There could be a chance this kid isn’t mine, and I’m praying on it.
My parents have been trying to help me, but it’s impossible. Wes won’t speak to me. My sister barely looks at me when she visits. She’s in the middle of everything, so of course she’s going to take Wes’ side, because I lied to her too.
Liv is looking for a place closer to the ranch to rent, but she’s been staying at her grandfather’s massive residence nearby. We’ve spoken a few times, all of which she’s asked if we could try to start over.
It’s not what I want.
I haven’t seen her for a while, so meeting her at the doctor’s office seemed like a better plan than driving together. My hopes are that the baby won’t be mine, and I can avoid an awkward drive back to the ranch.
Liv may think this baby is going to bring us together, but all I have is animosity when it comes to her. Love didn’t give us a baby. If it is my kid, the innocent fetus was made out of spite and jealousy. Anything I ever felt for Liv is gone because of that. She’s cost me too much.
Liv tries to talk to me when we’re in the room waiting on the ultrasound technician. “You haven’t said two words to me since we got here, Josh.”
“I’ve got nothing to say. I’m here. Quit your bitching.”
“You could at least be supportive. It’s not like we’re strangers. We need to get past all the anger and realize we’re having a baby. Whatever made it happen doesn’t matter. There’s a part of you growing inside of me now. If I can wrap my head around it, then you should too. I know it’s a lot, but we have to make the best of it.”
The doctor comes in followed by the tech. They put something clear on her belly and bring the wand to glide over the area. She’s still very skinny, so I don’t feel like I’m sitting in the room with someone I should have more respect for. I need to see something to believe it’s true.
Then it happens. I see the head on the screen. It’s just a little peanut, so the doctor points and explains what’s what. She turns up the volume and we get to hear a faint heartbeat. She throws a few dates out, saying that according to the size of the fetus, she should have conceived then, and that’s when I know without a doubt that the child is most likely mine.
Liv is crying as she watches the screen. Before I can withdraw, she captures my hand and holds it as we both stare at the tiny person growing inside of her. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Tamsyn will never come back to me. I’m going to be a father, and I know I have to make the best of the situation, because like they both tried to tell me, I’ve had unresolved feelings for Liv I’ve never been able to understand. I have to stop running, because if I don’t, I’ll never have happiness in my life.
I don’t hug her when we part ways in the parking lot, nor do I make plans t
o see her. Something holds me back from being able to look at her the same way I used to. Where I figured this might help us find common ground, has only left a bigger hole in my heart.
I take the sonogram photograph home for my parents to see. I can tell they’re still on the fence about being excited that Liv is having their grandchild. My mom misses Tamsyn being around the house. She’s constantly asking if I’ve heard from her. They don’t ever speak of Liv, or ask her over for a meal. Wes and Cammie haven’t come to dinner in weeks, and with Christmas on the horizon I’m wondering if it’s best if I pack up my things and head to Kentucky, where I know not a single person will be since they’re all planning on celebrating at our place this year.
For the most part, I’ve been keeping busy during the day, and sleeping a lot at night. I haven’t been able to touch my video game system because it reminds me too much of Tamsyn. I’ve thought about seeing if she’s online, but at this point I have to throw in the towel. If she wanted to speak to me she’d return my phone calls.
I do a little Christmas shopping that following weekend. I’m not sure why I stop, but I find myself at a jewelry store, staring down at engagement rings. I would have liked to put one of them on Tamsyn’s finger if we’d been together longer. It’s the constant reminders that drive me nuts.
When I leave the mall I’ve found myself in the possession of a present for Tamsyn, but in order to get her attention I’m going to have to do something drastic. I head home and change into a slim fitted black suit and tie, style my hair, and put on her favorite cologne. Then I hop back in my truck and drive straight to the dealership hoping she’s there.
When I pull in I’m fully aware she’ll recognize the truck. A salesman comes outside to stalk me for a sale, but I tell him I already have a person I’m working with. A half hour later he comes out again, and I patiently tell him I’m waiting for Tamsyn to assist me. Standing in front of the newest Shelby Mustang they’ve got in, I’m determined to see her again, even if it’s as she’s heading to her car when the place closes.
Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) Page 17
