Finally, nearly an hour after waiting, I see a female coming out of the building, except she’s not the Tamsyn I would normally recognize. Her once platinum hair is a natural shade of honey brown. It’s long and straightened, and as she gets closer I notice her makeup is way lighter than she usually puts it on. She’s stunning. I can’t take my eyes off of her. “You look amazing.”
“What are you doing here, Josh? You’re embarrassing me. Why are you dressed like that?”
“I’m here to trade in my truck and wanted to be professional.”
“What? You love that truck.”
“I need a change.”
“And you want to buy this, I assume?” She points to the Mustang.
I nod. “Well, duh.”
“Josh, it’s terrible for a baby seat.”
“I was hoping that if I buy the Mustang I’d have a reason to see you.”
“So you’re going to buy a car from me so I have to see you? Are you crazy? Why are you really wearing a suit? Did someone die?”
“I am when it comes to loving you.” I pull a wrapped tiny box from the pocket of my dress pants. It took me forever to make the selection, but I know she’ll love it. The most important part is the note that I’ve included.
She sees the size and backs away. “No. You can’t buy me gifts in boxes like that one.”
“I can do what I please. It’s Christmas.”
“Go home, Josh.”
She’s walking away. “What made you change your hair, Tamsyn?”
When she turns to face me again she’s got tears in her eyes. “Someone I loved told me every day that I didn’t need the hair and makeup to be beautiful, so I took his advice.”
“Loved, as in past tense?”
“Don’t do this to me. I’ve been doing better. You can’t come here and mess up my progress.”
“God, I miss you.” I have to ignore her wishes. It’s been too damn long.
“Seriously, Josh. It’s Christmas time. It’s hard enough being alone for the holidays. I can’t have you making me depressed.”
I push the small box toward her. “Open it.”
I can tell she’s reluctant. “I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because I know it came from your heart.”
“So what if it did?”
She shoves it back at me. “I can’t accept it.”
“Come out with me after work.”
“No!”
I chuckle. “I recall going through this once before. I got my way in the end.”
“I’m seeing someone,” she announces.
It’s like a kick to my gut. I don’t know why I thought she’d still be hung up on me. Maybe when the excitement wore off I wasn’t everything she once assumed. Maybe I hurt her so badly she couldn’t get past the betrayal. My gift isn’t going to bring her back to me, that’s for sure. “Does he treat you right?” I hate asking.
“Yeah. It’s new, so I don’t know where it’s going, but I’m having fun.”
I nod and try to put on a brave face. “I guess that explains why we can’t go out.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s hard to hear.”
“Yeah, it is.” I’m still fighting to retain my fake smile. “I reckon I better get going then.”
“Josh,” I hear her say. “Is the baby yours?”
Our eyes meet, and I can’t deny there’s still fire between us. “Yeah. Pretty sure.”
“Okay. I think I needed to hear it from your lips.”
“Take care of yourself,” I manage to get out before starting to leave. Then I turn back around and say her name. “Tamsyn, wait.”
“What?”
I toss the box in her direction, where she’s forced to catch it. “I bought this for you. There’s a note inside. Read it first. I don’t want the gift back. It’s yours. Don’t ever forget what we had. Merry Christmas, darlin’.”
It’s after ten. I’m sitting in my truck listening to carols while smoking a dime of marijuana I picked up on my way home, while drinking a fifth of whiskey. I need to get plastered, and I don’t feel like doing it around my happy family.
Since I’m parked at the ranch, I know I’m not in any imminent danger. This is what my life has amounted to. I’m fucking up. I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I wish I never loved her in the first place, because it would be easier than constantly wishing I could turn back the clock and do things differently.
A knock on my window gets my attention. I’m stoned out of my mind, but sure it’s Liv. She’s been texting me for hours, ever since I sent her a message about destroying my future. I catch a glimpse of her before speaking. “What the fuck do you want?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Josh. I thought you were over this. Smoking pot and drinking? You’re going to be a father. It’s time to get over yourself and grow up, and why in the hell are you wearing dress clothes?”
I jump from the vehicle and get in her face. “First, it’s none of your business what I wear. Don’t get on me about responsibilities. When the time comes I’ll be a damn good father. My child will have everything he or she needs, except two parents that love each other.” Her eyes are wide and fearful. “That’s right, Liv. I said it. I don’t fucking love you. Want to know how I’m sure this time?”
She nods, but refuses to speak.
“I know because love is relentless. It comes in fast, but cripples you when it ends. It’s beautiful and understanding. Love isn’t forced. You can’t make it happen. It’s not planned. It’s not just a set of words. It’s feeling overwhelmed by that person. It’s not desperate. It’s patient. It’s a slow fire that keeps burning. It doesn’t stop when we want it to. It’s not a switch. I know I don’t love you anymore. I hate everything about you. I feel sorry for our child for having to grow up with you as a mother, because you don’t know the first thing about love. If you’re smart you’ll give that baby up for adoption and let someone else raise it. Give the kid a chance at normalcy.”
“Wow.” Her tear-filled eyes show me she still has feelings, though I think at this point she’s more embarrassed. “I didn’t come here for this.”
“Too fucking bad. It’s all I’ve got to offer anymore.”
“You’d rather me put our child up for adoption then us to raise it?”
“Yep.” I realize the alcohol is talking, but I’m done with the bullshit. I’d rather be alone than feel hopeless and lost. I don’t want to be obligated to this person for the rest of my life.
“Your parents would never forgive you.”
“I don’t give a shit. I’m a grown man, and it’s my decision.”
“I came here to tell you I got an offer to work in Paris. After your message, I knew we needed to talk face to face. I wanted you to think about coming with me. I figured it would be a good place for us to work things out and be a real couple before the baby comes. I guess I already know the answer.”
“I’d rather drive off a fucking cliff than go anywhere with you, Liv.”
“Please don’t treat me this way, Josh. I didn’t ask to get pregnant.”
“No, but you pretty much forced me to fuck you. We had unprotected sex. Come on, do you think I was born yesterday?”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I wanted you that night; to convince you that we should be together. I was trying to get you back. You admitted you still had feelings for me.”
“You coerced a drunk man to say what you wanted to hear. I barely remember it. I sure as hell didn’t know what I was saying.”
She’s crying harder now.
“Because of you I’ve lost Tamsyn and Wes. You expect me to pick up and leave my family so we can be together? This ain’t the olden days. I’m not obligated to be with you for the sake of our child. Get your head out of your ass and wake up. I don’t owe you shit!”
“You’re right. I just thought you’d at least want to try.”
I look her straight in the eyes. “You were my first love. We shared a
lot of memories together, but we were kids. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t play head games. I. LOVE. HER. Get that through your skull. It’s never going to go away.”
“What if I leave the country and keep you from your child?”
I throw up my hands. “At this point, I don’t care anymore. I’m a sperm donor. You’re not going to use a kid as leverage to trap me. You want to keep a piece of me, there you go. It’s all you’re ever going to get.”
“So you’ll have no problem signing over parental rights?”
It hurts. I shouldn’t do this. My parents will flip the fuck out when they hear it, but I can’t play this charade anymore. I’m out of patience. I want it over. “Yeah. I’ll sign the damn papers, after you have a paternity test done when the baby is born.”
“You know when I got pregnant.”
“You could have screwed ten people that week. How the hell would I know?”
“I hope you’re happy with this. If I leave, I’m never coming back.”
“Thank the fucking lord! Good riddance!” I wave with a sarcastic grin, only to realize she’s probably dead serious.
Chapter 29
Tamsyn
I’ve been staring at the little wrapped box for over an hour. If I open it everything I’ve worked to get over will be ruined. Seeing Josh tonight only tells me that I’m not over him. He’s never looked more handsome, and it’s obvious it was for my benefit, but I don’t know why. We’ve gone weeks without contact, and now he shows up with a Christmas present. I’ve done everything in my power to keep from running into him.
Was it necessary for him to mention my hair? I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. Frankly, I haven’t cared enough to want to look good. I dyed my hair back to it’s original color, and stopped wearing makeup. Why bother when all I do is cry it off? I’ve felt ugly for weeks, and he shows up and tells me I’m beautiful. It’s not fair.
We’re about to close up for the holiday. Most of the sales associates have gone home to be with their families. My father left to take care of some last minute shopping. Lights are being turned off in the offices beside mine, and I’m still staring at this little box.
It’s been hard walking away from that family, especially this time of year. As difficult as it was to put on a brave face at Thanksgiving, I still had a wonderful time. Josh’s mother begged me to reconsider. She tried to convince me that he’d never stray again. She blamed herself for the night he slept with Livvy, saying they’d been drinking and left him alone in a bad condition. It still happened. And it hurts. It still to this day feels exactly the same way it did when I first learned the truth.
I’ve tried to keep busy, going to parties before everyone left for holiday break. I even gave a couple guys my number, okay, I gave them an old number because I can’t even imagine dating yet.
Telling Josh I was seeing someone happened so fast. I lied right to his face, because I knew if I gave him the opportunity, he’d have me right back in his arms again.
An older salesmen sticks his head in my door. “I’m about to leave. What are you still doing here, Tamsyn? Your dad gave us all the green light.”
“I’m out of here, soon, Bobby. Have a Merry Christmas. Make sure you give those kiddos a hug for me.”
“Sure will. Right back at ya, kid.”
And then I’m alone.
It’s quiet, the only sounds coming from the fluorescent overhead lights. I’m on the internet, going all the way back to when I starting ignoring his private messages. I coast through dozens of them, each saying how much he needs me in his life. I read them until I’m emotionally drained, and then continue looking through pictures that were posted when we were together. In only a few months we made so many memories. When I close my eyes I can still smell him, I can see those dimples showing whenever he’s being ornery. I can feel his strong arms holding me tight after we’ve made love for hours.
I take the little box in my hand and shake it. I can hear something moving, but am betting it’s the note he told me I have to read first. I stop fighting the urge and tear the paper away until I reach the box, with a folded note attached to the top. I open it up and recognize his handwriting. My stomach knots up as I begin to read it.
Tamsyn,
I loved you yesterday. I loved you today, and I still will tomorrow. Even though we’re apart, I wanted you to have something; a Christmas gift that will last for years to come. No matter where you are, or who you end up with, remember, I was the first to give you this. Look at it each year and be reminded of what we had. Never forget that it was your love that made me the man I am today. You were never the consolation. You are my everything.
Forever yours,
Joshua Healy
P.S. Don’t you dare return this gift. It’s for you and only you and I threw away the receipt, so there.
I can hardly see the joke at the end because I’m a blubbering mess. I read it a second and third time before preparing to open the box. Knowing Josh it’s a charm with two hearts and he kept one for himself. He’s sweet and corny like that.
I’m rendered speechless when I open the box and see what’s sitting inside of it. The most spectacular piece of jewelry I’ve ever seen, surrounded in a platinum setting. It’s stunning and elegant, and full of chocolate and white diamonds, five in total. The center stone has to be over a carat. I close the box and then open it again, just in case I’m dreaming this. Sure enough, it’s the same ring. I’m in shock. Why would he do this? Why would he want me to keep something so expensive and sentimental? He’s lost his mind. I can’t accept this.
Knowing that I have to return it, I lock up the building and start driving to the ranch. It’s almost ten and I’m hoping his parents aren’t already asleep. There are Kentucky plates parked in front of the farmhouse. I wipe my eyes one more time before preparing to see the family that I’ve missed so much. I’m not even at the front door before someone is opening it to greet me. It’s Amy, and she’s coming at me with her arms spread. “Tamsyn, oh my goodness it’s so good to see you. Look at your hair. It’s fabulous.”
“It’s good to see you as well. I’m sorry I’ve stayed away. I had finals and…”
“It’s okay. You’re here now and that’s all we care about.”
Even Josh’s dad comes over and hugs me. “We’ve missed you, darlin’.” The second he says it I think of Josh. He’s more like his father than he knows.
“Is Josh around?”
“He’s somewhere on the property. He’s having a tough time lately.” When the man says it the room of people stop talking. All eyes are on me, like it’s my fault.
“Should I go look for him?”
“You can if you want. First you need to eat something. I know you can’t resist my home cooking.”
She’s right, I can’t. “Okay.”
Amy pulls me into the kitchen and sits me down at the large table. She throws a bunch of food on a plate and tosses it in the microwave to reheat. While I wait, I’m greeted by Christian, Addison, and even Cammie. When she hugs me she stops to whisper in my ear. “You need to find that man and knock some sense into him.”
“Why? What’s been going on?”
“He’s withdrawn. He doesn’t talk to any of us. He spends most of his time locked in his room. He’s drinking like a fish.”
“What about Livvy and the pregnancy? I figured he would at least support her.”
Cammie backs away and laughs sarcastically. “Yeah right. They argue all the time. I only hear her side of things, but the phone calls never end cordially. I don’t know how they’re going to work things out for the baby. Whatever you did to him, he’s over that girl.”
I smirk, but keep my opinions to myself. It’s none of my business anymore. I can’t let this affect me. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
She raises her eyebrows and pops a cookie into her mouth. “Wes loved me even when I was having a kid with someone else. He’s raising Maddy as his own. She has his last name and every
thing.”
“I didn’t know…”
“No one does. She even looks like him. It’s a long story that none of us ever want to hear about. It’s just the point. I know you think you did the right thing for Josh, but sometimes life isn’t meant to be simple. My brother might have screwed up, but his heart has always been in the right place when it comes to you, Tamsyn. He’s smitten, and now he’s a bump on a log. I’ve never seen him this messed up.”
Amy sits a hot plate in front of me. “Cam, Tamsyn didn’t come here to get the third degree. It’s the holidays. Let’s all put our problems to the side and enjoy spending time together, okay?”
Amy sits down with me and folds her hands. I can tell she wants to talk more, but feels obligated to stay out of it. “He still cleans his room,” she mentions. “I figured the moment you left it would go back to the way it was, but it hasn’t.”
It’s the little things that tear at my heartstrings. How am I supposed to get over a man who continues to hold onto hope that we will be together? If she only knew what I have in my pocket to return to him. She’d flip.
I eat my plate of food and clean my plate before peering out the window to see if Josh’s truck is parked out back. Having no luck at the house, I decide to look for him. Promising I’ll come back before I leave, I put my coat on tighter and plan to walk around until I spot him. Knowing Josh, he’s probably hammered in the barn. He likes being able to drink and not have to drive anywhere. Judging from the way he appeared earlier, I’m sure he’s in rare form.
I check the barn first, inside and out. The twins and their wives are playing a game of pool, while Callie and Cob sit on the couch watching a movie. Isabella, Rusty, and her parents are sitting at a table nearby playing cards. “Hey guys, have you seen Josh?”
Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) Page 18
