by Cathryn Fox
Fuck man, I still have no idea what happened that day. The roads were dry and clear, and Ethan was the best driver I knew. Reports came back that there was nothing wrong with the car, and the single vehicle accident was driver error. Here it is a year later, and I’m still having a hard time wrapping my brain around one of the world’s best NASCAR drivers crashing through a guardrail.
“Jamie?”
I blink and realize Fallon had been talking to me. Dammit. I need to stop spacing out. Once again, I had one too many beers tonight, a habit I’ve fallen into when I’m home alone, haunted by memories. I can still picture Sara glaring at me with angry eyes, telling me it was all my fault. A guy doesn’t move past that easily, or ever.
“Sorry, what?”
Her brow furrows and her look is one of pity that I fucking hate. I’m a horrible person, a complete fuck up, and I don’t deserve compassion or sympathy from anyone, least of all Fallon. By rights she should hate me. She should kick me in the nuts and call me every vile name known to mankind. But no, sweet Fallon isn’t at all like that. My sister-in-law is the kindest woman I know and always put others above herself. I knew that from the second my brother and I laid eyes on her at her girlfriend’s party all those years ago. Hell, back in the day, if Ethan hadn’t put a ring on her finger, maybe things would have been different between us.
Or maybe not, since I was on the road so much, making a name for myself in the NHL. While I was away working my ass off in the rink, he swooped in and made her his girl. Eventually I met Sara. A nice girl and one of the team’s physical therapists. She got pregnant, despite the fact that I always used protection, but sometimes things happen. Condoms aren’t one-hundred percent effective. Obviously. At the time, all my friends were getting married, and having kids, and when she showed me the pregnancy stick, I knew it was time for me to grow up too, and do the right thing.
“I was just wondering if you’d like a drink,” she says pulling my thoughts back once again.
“Yeah, sure,” I say and as I gaze at her, take in her strength and her vulnerability, my heart hitches. Truthfully, I would do anything for her, and goddammit, I should have had the place cleaned and stocked for her and Chase. Once again, I let down those who counted on me. It’s no wonder Fallon ran away from here so fast after the funerals. I guess she knew better than to turn to me.
“I don’t have any beer, but I have some soda. Would you like one?”
“I think I’m done with drinking tonight anyway,” I say. Maybe forever. I glance at the young boy at the table. While my risk-taking days are behind me, and I’m never going to be what these two need—I can’t let anyone get too close, can’t let anyone rely on me—I should at least be sober around him. Ethan would want that.
“Would you keep an eye on Chase for a second? I’ll grab them from the SUV.”
I hold my hand out. “Give me your keys. I’ll bring all your stuff in.”
“There isn’t much.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her keys. “We only have our clothes.”
“Yeah, you didn’t take much of anything when you left,” I say and close my hand around the palm tree keychain that says Margaritaville—a souvenir she’d picked up on her honeymoon in Jamaica. I make my way to the front door and the warm night air washes over me. The sight of the SUV in the driveway is like a kick in the nuts. I was with them when they bought it. Checked out the back seat with my nephew.
I open the back hatch and pull out their things as well as a paper grocery bag with soda and chips. Was this supposed to be her dinner? Guess she’s been eating about as well as I have. I gather up what little belongings she has and carry everything inside. I step into the kitchen and find Fallon staring off in to space.
“I’ll take these upstairs,” I say. I pause. “Um…” I begin not sure how to ask, but she comes to my rescue because she’s a smart girl who is good at reading people and situations.
“I think I’m going to sleep in the spare room.”
I nod, figuring as much.
“Chase okay in his room?”
“Yes, I think he’ll like crawling back into his race car bed.”
I glance at the boy who is the spitting image of his father. I focus back in on Fallon and lower my voice. “Does he…remember?”
“A little bit,” she says and pulls the soda from the bag. I turn and go upstairs. I’ve been keeping an eye on the place for some time now, so this isn’t my first trip to the bedrooms after Fallon left. Still, seeing the open closet, with Ethan’s clothes hanging, a shelf with all his favorite ball caps, hits like a punch every single time.
Since Fallon didn’t say which spare room, I drop her bag into the one across the hall from Chase’s, and set his stuff on the floor of his room, near the foot of his hot rod race car bed, similar to the one his daddy drove.
I take a fueling breath and head back downstairs. My cell pings and I pull it from my back pocket to read a text from Rider. He and Kane are shooting a game of pool at the Freeman’s bar. They’ve both been keeping a close eye on me over the last year—Heck, all the guys and their wives have been—and while I’d normally join them, go home with a puck bunny, tonight I’m not in the mood. I swipe my finger over the phone and send a text.
Jamie: Fallon is back. I’m with her and Chase at her house.
Rider: Fallon Adams? Your sister-in-law?
Jamie: Do you know any other Fallon who has a son named Chase?
Rider: You okay, buddy?
Jamie: As well as could be expected.
Rider: Wants some company. Kane and I can come over.
Jamie: Nah, I’m good. Having pizza and then crashing.
Rider: Say hi to Fallon for us.
Jamie: Will do.
I shove the phone back into my pocket and step into the kitchen. “That was Rider.”
She hands me a soda and I take a big drink. “If I’m keeping you from something.”
“No, you’re not and the guys say hi.”
She nods. “How are they doing?”
“Same,” I say with a shrug.
“Rider still the Wing Man?” she asks with a small grin.
I snort. “You remember that?”
“I spent hours listening to him build his teammates up to the girls, but it’s time he realizes his value and shows a woman who he is, not who his friends are.”
“You always liked him, didn’t you?”
Her smile is soft, like she’s remembering happier times. “He was always nice to me, and he adored Chase.”
I nod. “Too bad he’s a sworn bachelor.”
She gives me a teasing wink. “I’m pretty sure I once heard you say that, and look what…” She lets her words fall off, and her eyes go wide, like she’s said too much. But just then the doorbell rings, and cuts the quiet.
“Pizza,” I say happy for the distraction. I pull a few bills from my pocket and head to the door. I hand the money over and take the pizza. Fallon is setting out plates when I get back. She has a worried look on her face as I open the boxes and put a slice on each plate.
“Pizza,” Chase yells and rubs his sleepy eyes. I grin at him and rustle his hair. He kind of reminds me of myself as a kid. I’d fight sleep any day for food. Still would.
I take a seat, bite into my slice, and study Fallon’s body language. She’s wound so tight, her damn shoulders are practically hugging her ears. “What’s on your mind?” I ask.
She smiles at me. “You always could read me.”
“You’re the one who’s good at reading others and situations.”
“Comes with being a nurse.”
I nod. “I can only read you because we used to spend a lot of time together.”
“True, we did. You were always there in the summers when Ethan was away,” she says. “We did a lot of things together before Chase was born,” she adds, but then she swallows, and her eyes slowly lift to mine. “I don’t think I can stay here, Jamie.”
“You can stay with me for as long as it
takes,” I say quickly, and without thinking. I’m not about to abandon her, and while I can let her into my house, I can’t let her or anyone into my heart, can’t let her think she can count on me.
“No, what I mean is, I have to sell this place.” She waves her hand around. “It’s too big for just Chase and me.”
What she’s not saying is that she and Ethan had planned to fill all those spare bedrooms, and this place has too many memories.
“Yeah, I get that. My place is too big too, but I bought it to be close to you guys.” I bite into my slice, chew, and swallow it down with a drink of soda. I used to love hanging out here, and my ex Sara and Fallon had become good friends. Fallon was going to be Sara’s matron of honor, and naturally Ethan would have been my best man. But that’s all in the past now.
“Do you know any good realtors?” she asks and lets loose a big sigh.
“I can ask around. My mom probably does. They downsized after…” I don’t need to finish the sentence for Fallon to realize they were unable to stay in the house they’d raised Ethan in after he’d died.
“I need to go see them. I feel bad for being away so long. It wasn’t fair for me to run away without considering their feelings.”
“They will love that, but they knew you needed space. I can take you tomorrow if you want. You can talk to Mom about a realtor.”
“Thanks, Jamie.”
Christ, what is it about her saying ‘thanks, Jamie’ that hits like a fist and has me wanting to do more—everything—for her? Why does it make me want to pull her to me, and chase away all her bad memories in the bedroom?
Whoa shit, don’t go there, buddy.
She lets loose another heavy sigh. “I’m going to have to stage the place.”
I point to the pizza. “Another slice?”
Her look is almost embarrassed as she puts her hand over her stomach and says, “I probably shouldn’t.”
What the hell?
“Why not?” I question.
“Well, my metabolism isn’t the same as before I had Chase.”
I take that moment to let my gaze take her in, admiring every single inch, from the tip of her head to toes that are curling beneath her. Her long, honey blonde hair is piled haphazardly in a flimsy clip. Many loose strands fall teasingly over her cheeks, and shoulders. My attention drops from her face to her body, to admire her smooth, creamy skin, and plump breasts that are straining behind her Seattle Seahawks T-shirt. She always was a football fan over hockey, but that never stopped her from watching all my games. I turn my attention to yoga pants that showcase plump hips any man would long to sink his teeth into and strong, well-shaped legs that have carried her along in the hardest of situations. Everything about her is beautiful, and admirable. She squirms, uncomfortable under my scrutiny.
“You’re perfect,” I mumble.
I swallow a moan, and berate myself. Shit, she’s always been breathtaking, and the extra weight, which emphasizes all her sexy curves, looks good on her. Damn, good on her. But what the fuck am I doing? The last person I should be admiring or having inappropriate thoughts about is my sister-in-law, no matter what I’ve always felt about her. No, it’s best I stick to puck bunnies. No history. No commitment. No tomorrows.
No pain.
“You can hire out for staging,” I point out, changing the subject before I say or do something stupid.
“Yeah, but I have to deal…”
I lift my head, and drop the rest of my pizza onto my plate, as Chase grows restless in his chair. “I can clear his things out. Donate what I can. Just let me know what you want to keep. I can do that for you, Fallon. I would have done it already, but I just didn’t want to overstep here.”
“I can’t ask you to. It’s not easy for you, either.”
No, but I don’t want easy. I don’t deserve it. “Consider it done.”
“I’ll take a few keepsakes.” She nods and picks a piece of bacon off her pizza and looks a million miles away as she pops it into her mouth. “I’d like to enrol Chase in pre-school a few days a week this summer. I think the interaction would be good for him, and he’s going to need to make friends. Plus, I plan on going back to work.”
“Really?” I ask, surprised. She doesn’t need the money, but maybe she needs work to find herself again. I needed my hockey. Would have been lost without it.
“Yeah, it’s time.”
Chase jumps up and starts running around the kitchen, racing his dinky car over the bottom cupboards.
“Oh, no, it looks like he got his second wind. I need to try to get him to bed now while I still can.”
I stand with her as she chases after her son. “He’s aptly named,” I say, and it brings a smile to her pretty face, a smile that hits like a puck to the jaw. Goddammit, I’m the reason she no longer smiles like that.
“I’ll take care of this pizza and lock up,” I tell her. “You guys both need sleep.”
“So do you.”
I run my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, I do,” I say. I need a lot of things, but no only do I not deserve them, I’m not about to share those thoughts with Fallon. My days of opening up and taking risks are over.
3
Fallon
Every single noise, from the slightest creaks inside the house, to the cars passing by on the street below, has me jumping out of my skin and thinking about how many times I’d laid awake in bed waiting for Ethan’s car to pull in after he’d been on the road. After hearing his vehicle in the driveway, I’d lay silently and wait for the stairs to creak under his footsteps. While I know he’s never going to pull into the garage, never going to climb those stairs and crawl in with me, that still doesn’t stop each noise from messing with my brain. Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to sell the place, sooner rather than later. The bed coils creak as I turn to face the wall. But it’s short-lived and a second later I flip over to my other side, unable to settle myself.
Was it too soon to return?
Restless, I slide from the sheets and step into the hall to check on Chase, who thankfully is snuggled in tight and sleeping silently in his bed. Thank God for the resilience of children. My heart squeezes as I look at him, and I pray that Jamie can be the positive male influence he needs. Although after seeing the mental and physical state of Chase’s uncle, I’m not so sure. I don’t want to put any pressure on him, or ask him to be something he can’t, but deep in my heart I have a feeling a bond would be good for the both of them.
I fix the blankets around Chase and walk back into the hall. I make my way downstairs and boot up my laptop. I scroll through Facebook and Instagram. Oddly enough, I find myself doing a search for Jamie, although I quickly discover his accounts have been dormant for a little over a year now. So have mine. I do a quick search for real estate agents, and then another one on daycares. Since I’m up, I shoot an email off to human resources at Seattle General. I took an extended leave of absence, with the promise that my job would be waiting for me when I returned. After I fire off the email to Joyce, I close my computer. Hugging myself to ward off a chill I shouldn’t be feeling in the warm house, I stand and wander through the place which, when it comes right down to it, truly is far too big for the two of us. I have no idea where we’ll go from here, but I’d like to be in a community with small kids, near the hospital and good schools.
Stretching out my tired limbs as the wood floors creak from neglect, I notice that the clock on the kitchen wall has stopped. I almost laugh at the irony that time has stood still since I left. I make a note to change the battery tomorrow and head for the stairs. I’m on the third step when a loud noise outside reaches my ears. I jump, and grip the handrail, my heart thumping against my ribs.
Could Jamie be back?
Somehow doubting that, I sneak back into the kitchen and grab the baseball bat Jamie had set near the back patio door. I grip it, and flick the outside light back on. My hand goes to the lock, when I see a flash of someone or something running by.
“Oh, my,�
�� I shriek and jump back. Breathing hard, I hurry back up the stairs to my room and grab my phone. I grip it tight, and debate on calling Jamie. It’s late and he’s probably sleeping, but when I hear another bang, I dial his number.
“Hello,” a groggy voice says on the other end. I’ve clearly woken him.
“Jamie. I’m sorry for waking you,” I whisper.
“Fallon,” he says, much more alert now. I hear his bed creak and can almost visualize him sitting on the edge of it. “What’s wrong.”
“I heard a noise. I was about to open my back door but then I saw a shadow. It wasn’t you, right?” I ask, even though I know it wasn’t. He’s obviously at home in bed. Oh, shit. Another thought hits. What if he’s not alone? What if he’s with a girl, and I’m disturbing them?
“I’ll be right there.” Before I can protest, even though I’m not sure I want to, he continues with, “Go to Chase’s room and lock the door. Don’t hang up. I want you to stay on the phone with me.”
I tiptoe into my son’s room, shut and lock the door. I walk quietly to the window and peer through the curtains. I spot Jamie hurrying down the street.
“I see you.”
Breathing hard into the phone, he glances up, and the streetlight falls over him. “You okay?”
“I am. I feel silly for calling. It was probably nothing.”
“Or maybe it was something.” He disappears from my sight, and through the phone I hear him walking along the pathway to the back yard.
“Anything?” I ask quietly.
“Not seeing anything, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t someone snooping around. I want you to get an alarm system installed. I never did like you staying home alone without one. I talked to Ethan about it before, but he never got around to it.”
He’d talked to Ethan about installing an alarm system?
