Find Me Series (Book 4): Where Hope is Lost

by Dawson, Trish Marie

  For the second time, Jacks made him feel uncomfortable and about the size of a shriveled pea, but he nodded anyway. “Second?”

  Jacks turned around and grabbed at Drake’s arm. “We need to find that damn first aid kit. Now.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  JACKS

  He left Drake upstairs to search every room, every cupboard, shelf and cubby, while he rushed downstairs. Kris was on her side atop a pile of open sleeping bags, watching the fireplace roar with a closed book in her hand. Not far away, Cole was draped over one of the couches, staring at Kris.

  “Hey,” he gasped. “I need the first aid kit…Kris…help me in the store, will you?”

  She scrambled to her feet and dropped the book. “Is it Lily?”

  “No,” he answered, then he pointed at Cole. “You, go look in the kitchen, then the downstairs bathroom. I need a fever reducer…anything with acetaminophen or ibuprofen, got it?” Cole stood and nodded, but didn’t move. “Today, Cole. Now.” The boy took off toward the kitchen and Jacks called out for Connor.

  “What’s wrong?” Kris whimpered, coming to his side. “Drake was just down here…is it Riley?”

  At the mention of her name, Zoey jumped off one of the sitting chairs and began to whine. Jacks hadn’t noticed her, and ruffled the top of her head when she brushed against his legs. When Connor came out of the kitchen, he waited till he was next to Kris before he spoke.

  “Riley’s sick, she’s burning up with a fever,” he said under his breath. “And we can’t find the fucking first aid kit.”

  “We?” Connor glanced up the stairs. “Drake’s with her?”

  “He’s looking for meds, man. Like we need to.”

  Connor pushed him aside and made a move toward the stairs, but Jacks caught his arm. “Ashlyn had the kit last. She was handing out pills after you and Drake went at it the other night, remember? Where is she?”

  “She’s not here,” Connor blinked. “I mean…she got pissed and went for a walk.”

  “She went for a walk,” Jacks repeated. He sighed and stared out the closest window, squinting at the snow. “Well, did she leave with a pack or the kit in her damn hands?”

  “No.”

  “Then it’s here, somewhere.”

  Again, Connor went toward the stairs, but Jacks stopped him. “You should go find her, because she stashed it somewhere and the sooner we get medicine into Riley, the better.”

  The soft sound of a clearing throat came from the front of the room, near the hall that led toward the sealed-off lodge entrance. Jin stood watching them, with a mug in one hand and the other in his pocket.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  “Hey…what’s in that tea?” Connor asked.

  Jin shrugged. “It’s a long list, why?”

  “Back at the cabin, Riley joked that it was like a magic elixir. Is there something in it that might lower a fever?” Connor pressed.

  “Maybe. Who’s sick?” He looked between the men and glanced at Kris. “Where’s Riley?” Jin asked, furrowing his brow and stepping toward them.

  “She won’t wake up,” Drake said with a shaky voice, stumbling down the stairs and pulling at the back of his neck.

  They all rushed by him, there was no stopping it. As a group, they filed up the stairs and into Drake’s room, eager to see for themselves, he guessed. But none of them could fix her just by staring at her unconscious body in the bed. They weren’t doctors. A new wave of hate rolled its way through his body, as Jacks realized if Win was there, he’d know what to do. He spun around and punched a hole through the drywall next to the door, and then a second. As he pulled his fist back for a third strike, Kris’ slender hand grabbed his wrist, and then folded around his fingers. The soft and gentle pressure from her grip was all that kept Jacks from smashing his face into the wall.

  They waited over an hour for Ashlyn to return. Jin’s tea would do nothing for Riley if she wouldn’t wake up to drink it, so they took turns placing cold compresses from the melting snow across her face, her back, under her arms, pretty much any place where the heat radiated, which was her entire body. When they heard Ashlyn coming up the stairs, Jacks was the first to make it out into the hall.

  “Where’ve you been?” he barked.

  Surprised, she froze on the staircase with one foot on the top landing and her hand locked onto the railing. “Why, did you miss me?”

  “We’ve been looking for you,” Connor snapped, joining his side.

  She glared at him, and Jacks caught the flair of anger in her eyes. And perhaps something else, something like a warning. “I went for a walk to clear my head. I feel much better now,” she almost purred.

  “We need the first aid kit,” Jacks interrupted. “We can’t find it.”

  She smiled, and finished climbing the steps. After sauntering between them, she shrugged. “Not sure where it is. Did someone stub their toe, or something?”

  Connor grabbed for her before Jacks could. “Where’s the fucking kit, Ashlyn?” he growled. Jacks tried to put himself between them after Connor shoved her against the wall.

  “What the fuck is the matter with you?” he hissed in the man’s ear. “Back off!”

  Again, Jacks caught the warning glint in Ashlyn’s glare, and had he not gotten up late in the morning, he may have been present for whatever it was that had happened between the two. But as he used his elbow to hold Connor back, and his arm to keep Ashlyn from walking away, he didn’t care about whatever petty disagreement they had. He cared about Riley.

  He pivoted, placing himself so close to Ashlyn that their chests almost touched. Using both his hands, after pushing Connor back, he took her gently by the upper arms and dropped his voice to the soothing tone he used with the baby. “Please, Ash. Focus…where is the kit? We need medicine. It’s an emergency, babe.”

  The last word caught her off guard, as he knew it would, and her demeanor changed. She focused on him, not Connor, and dropped the concrete façade she kept up around herself just enough to show some vulnerability. With his thumb, he stroked her arm, hoping it would relax her into giving them what they needed.

  She smiled sweetly at him. “I think I left it downstairs, I’ll go get it.” But they had searched the entire lodge from top to bottom while she was gone, including the lower level.

  “No, tell me where,” Connor demanded, pushing against his arm and grabbing Ashlyn’s wrist before she could go anywhere.

  Lily began to squawk from her bed, awakened from her nap by the commotion in the hall. He winced, but didn’t go immediately to her. Ashlyn’s eyes darted between Jacks and Connor and then over their shoulder to Drake’s room.

  “What happened? Is someone sick?” she asked, curious.

  “Yes,” Jacks said, rubbing her arm. “The kit?”

  With an exaggerated sigh, she waved at the stairs. “I took a nap by the fire, and put it on the ground. If it’s not there, maybe it’s under the sofa.”

  Connor was halfway down the stairs before Ashlyn’s eyes refocused on Jacks. “You’ve never called me that before.”

  “Huh?”

  “Babe. You’ve never said that. It’s sweet.” She went up on her toes and kissed him, despite the rock-hard grimace his face held, and ran her hands down his chest. He gave her a tight smile, and let her fingers pull on the waistband of his jeans. “Can I have this later?” she asked.

  He stepped back, but gave her a curt nod. “I’ve gotta take care of this first,” he said.

  She flashed him a wide grin then headed toward her room, not bothering to look through Drake’s doorway as she passed. When she opened her door, she looked over at Jacks and held his gaze while she ran her hand down the front of her sweater. He’d not seen it before, the desperate flair of control she had hidden in her eyes, not till then. But it was as clear as the day outside was fresh. She was playing him. With a short wave, she disappeared into the room and closed the door, and Jacks let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was hol
ding. He took two steps and Connor was running back up the stairs, the kit in his hand.

  “She told the truth?” Jacks asked, meeting him by Drake’s door.

  “Surprised, aren’t you?” Connor tossed a knowing look at him before dropping the kit on the end of the bed, and prying it open, rifling through its contents for what they needed.

  Drake picked out three individual servings of generic brand acetaminophen and lined them up on the comforter in a row. “This is barely enough for a day. She’ll need more.”

  Kris was bunched up against the headboard, with Zoey at her feet, watching the men curse and argue over the medicine. Jacks caught her glancing at Cole more than once, as if urging him to speak, but the boy only sat in the corner of the room, mute and unhelpful. It took three of them to prop Riley upright and force her mouth open so they could get her to swallow the pills without choking, and take enough water to wash them down into her stomach. She never opened her eyes, but moaned more than once. It was a desperate and painful sound that hurt Jacks. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

  At some point, Kris excused herself to help with the baby, which left Jacks with the other four men to sit in the room, and watch one woman sweat in her sleep. He scanned each of their faces, trying to place them with a purpose in Riley’s life. He started with the newest edition, Jin. Though he was quiet, Jacks knew that Jin wasn’t just a thinker, but a doer. He watched the others like Jacks did, but not in a possessive way, more like he was trying to find his own place amongst them. He touched Riley and spoke to her like a big brother would, with concern and care, and always respect, and Jacks was happy to see this.

  His gaze shifted toward Cole, who was slouched in a chair by the window, quietly watching the others from a safe distance, biting his thumbnail. He became nervous and anxious the second Kris stepped out of the room. But he didn’t follow her, which Jacks found interesting.

  And then there was Connor, Riley’s proverbial knight in shining armor. Except, Jacks thought, Connor and Riley weren’t actually a couple. He didn’t think they were, at least. But there was an electricity between the two that the entire group had always felt. Connor was dedicated to her in an almost obsessive way, even though she’d obviously not slept in his bed the night before.

  Which left Drake. Every move the man made, and every breath he took was labored with pain. He paced the room, he sat, he cursed, he hit things, he held her hand, he cried. Jacks watched him over the course of the afternoon go through every stage of grief, but each time he always came back to Riley’s side. He loved her, immensely, Jacks saw. But it was the kind of love that went beyond pure, and into something dark. Into a place that could drown a person, consume them whole. Drake teetered along that edge, and Jacks knew how bad it would get for Drake if they lost her. He would snap, and blow his head off, no questions asked.

  Jacks had loved Riley at one time, but never like that. Not with the intensity Drake suffered from, and not with the compulsion that Connor had. His was more of a youthful lust, an innocent love. As a young and virile man, she was the first woman he’d had sex with that he wanted to have sex with a second time, and then a third. They would stay up for hours, talking about the world, their families, and the future. She was going to travel the globe, eat exotic foods, save the ice caps and the trees and the wild creatures that roamed the lands in Africa. And Jacks would joke that he was going to become a doctor so he could buy a shiny new car every year that was too expensive to drive, and even more expensive to park in a house that was large enough to fill four families with, but he would live alone in it. Master of the castle. She drifted away from him slowly, as their paths moved farther apart. It wasn’t until after he’d lost her that he realized it had been love. But by then she was married, and started a family, and her dreams stopped before they became a reality. They became something else. She became a mom, and her dreams changed.

  As his eyes continued to roam from person to person, studying the group, he rubbed at the stubble on his chin, promising himself that he would shave the next morning. It was hard to see the world as it was, as it had become, when he could picture their college days with Riley draped across his bare chest at two am, talking about the unfair state of the economy, or the lack of equal human rights, until her soft voice lulled him to sleep. He’d wake up the next morning with a note on the pillow, telling him to get up and shower and not be late to class. Life was so simple back then. So hopeful they were, ready for each challenge that came their way. And now she was near death, her temperature hovering at 104 degrees, with a cough rattling around in her lungs like thunder. Her children were dead, her entire family gone, and it was like life was repeatedly punishing her for surviving. She had nothing but the men sitting next to Jacks, plus Kris and Lily. This was her family. This was it.

  “I need some air,” he whispered, stepping out of the room without so much as a nod from the others.

  He didn’t need air. He needed to hold his baby. He needed to cry and let out the pain that was squeezing his chest. He needed to have a firm talk with whichever god was in charge of things, and promise his own blood, sell his own soul, whatever it took, to get peace for Riley. Because she deserved some. This couldn’t be it.

  ASHLYN

  When Ashlyn was seven, her mom kicked her dad out of the house. That first night, knowing that it was going to be different forever, her mom tucked her in and told her the story of the phoenix. She went on to explain to her that life had a way of burning down the beautiful things, but out of the ashes, something new would come. From that day forward, Ashlyn demanded her mom and all her friends call her ‘Ash’. She would be a phoenix, and rise from the ashes reborn, despite all that life hurled her way.

  Once she was alone in her room, she cried the night that Connor threw her onto his bed and fucked her out of anger. She couldn’t show him that he’d hurt her, because that’s not how a phoenix worked. A phoenix won by being reborn, and despite how badly he tried to break her that night, she smiled and took it, and told herself that in the morning she would be new again. She’d waited until the house had fallen silent, and crept into Jacks’ room, not allowing him to touch her while she pleased him. Sex was her only way of keeping control. When she left him, she heard the noises coming from Drake’s room and knew that she was in there. A rage, hot and ugly, boiled inside her. As she sat on her bed, listening to the sounds of lovemaking on the other side of the wall, she cursed Riley for taking her men. That’s what they had become, whether they agreed or not. Jacks, Connor, and yes, Drake, they were all hers to do with as she saw fit. Their places by her side were as lovers and protectors. Without the first, she would lose the second, and Ashlyn couldn’t risk that.

  There was another woman in the equation fucking up her plan. She had to move the numbers around a bit, eliminate the threat by changing the math. There was only room for one alpha female in her house, and it wasn’t going to be Riley.

  As she rolled over on the bed, ready for a nap, she shoved her hand under the pillow and curled her fingers around her favorite knife, a gift she got from Ellie while running through the hills of California. Though it was small, the gut hook on the tip of the titanium blade would easily rip someone’s insides to shreds. It would be a painfully fitting death for the other woman, she thought. And even though she’d not actually used the knife on a person, Ashlyn doubted it would take much effort to spill Riley’s guts onto the floor. She fell asleep with a smile on her face, and a new plan flitting around her mind like a ballerina, and hardly noticed that her cheeks were wet with tears.

  KRIS

  There was too much going on in the lodge over the next day for her to justify bringing up her own issues, like the horrible pain in her back, or the cramping in her stomach. Instead, she kept the dog close to her side, who was just as dazed and confused as she was. The air inside the building had lost most of its chill, and turned rank and musty. It was gross, and Kris spent most of the second half of the day with her face hanging out an open window
. Drake’s room was cool, with the windows opened to lower the temperature for Riley, but Kris couldn’t stay in there all day. She made herself busy with the baby, so Jacks could be with the others. But when Lily took her naps, Kris had nothing to do. She washed and purified bottles, folded the stained cloth diapers that had dried on the small laundry rack next to the baby’s crib, and searched for missing booties. When the unease in her body turned into pain, she slowed down and found a quiet spot in the sitting room with the dog, and listened to the sounds of the men upstairs. Sometimes they would pace up and down the hall, or argue, but she couldn’t make out much of what was said. Just that things were bad, really bad.

  Cole came to find her at the end of the day, and tried to bring her water, or a snack, but she wanted nothing to do with him. He’d hurt her, betrayed her. And she didn’t understand why he was there at the lodge, to begin with. But he was the only one in the room with her when the soft cramping in her stomach turned into debilitating pain and she doubled over, falling off the couch and onto the floor, landing on her knees, gasping. Like Zoey, he was at her side instantly, holding her arm and asking what was wrong, but Kris couldn’t speak; the pain was searing and intense and came in waves that left her breathless.

  “I-I need to get to the bathroom,” she whimpered, allowing him to help her stand. As they reached the bottom of the stairs, she nearly tripped over the dog, who refused to leave her side.

  “Be careful,” Cole said, holding onto her and watching her take step after slow step till they reached the top landing.

  “I’m fine now,” she lied. Using the wall as a brace, she smoothed down the front of her shirt and tried to offer Cole a smile. It came out feeling more like a grimace. “I’m good. Just tired.”

  “Are you sure?” he whispered, pointing at her stomach.

  “Fine,” she lied again. But she knew she wasn’t. Her panties were wet, and she wanted to be alone in the room before she checked to see exactly how badly she was bleeding.