Consequences

by Elyse Draper

  Back in the present, back in my Coloradan dream sanctuary, I realize: I am so stupid, sometimes to get through the hardest part of life, you have to cut through the middle, and learn from the pain. Skirting around the outside like a coward, teaches you nothing. It took this animal, this pup, to remind me of the declaration I made that night, screaming at the phantoms in the trees.

  At four months old, Artemis’s head is about mid-thigh height; she is easily fifty pounds, and her paw prints are already almost as big as my outstretched fingers. Michael is sure she’ll easily reach over my shoulders when she stands upright, by the time she hits a year old. He said, one of the largest wolves he’d ever seen was about 175 pounds and six feet six inches from nose to tail tip … Artemis will be close to that size, beyond a doubt. Placing my hand on her head and feeling the velvet of the fur between her ears, I can’t see her as anything, but a gentle puppy. Part of my mind knows that she’s dominant and commanding in ways I’m only starting to understand, but no description of her power comes from her size. She strides comfortably in my sleeping mind, with more ease than even Ellie, or James … as if she was made solely to walk in the mist of my dreamscape.

  After she leads me through the Gothic forest, we walk across the valley base towards the waterfall and stream. She knows her way around this forest as if she was born here. Tilting her head back she howls to the tops of the aspens … she is letting someone know we are here. Moments later, materializing next to her is Ellie, not the shadow of a replication that I held onto for the past year, but the real thing …

  “Ellie? You’re here? Are you really here? It’s been so long … after you left Colorado … I’ve been losing my mind without you.” I am whispering as I admit to myself that I have been hallucinating, imagining her presence for so long. Somewhere within the forest, my legion of voices starts laughing cruelly at my exposure; as I finally owned up to my delusions.

  Ignoring them, I yell excitedly “You’re here!"

  I run and take her in my arms, feeling her, and knowing she is real. My mind begging for her to stay long enough, for me to remember how she smells. Tears fall silently down her cheeks, and she moves her lips, but no sound comes out. I wonder if she can hear me.

  I pull her up into my arms, crushing my broken heart between us, and breathe her in. Closing my eyes to revel in her company, I selfishly press my lips to hers. I want every one of my senses filled with her. I still can’t hear her, but that doesn’t matter … she is here with me, and I have to make it last.

  When she starts fading this time, I hold on to her. I am not going to let her go … not without trying to hold her here with me. I let her go in Colorado. I don’t care if I am acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum; I am not going to let her leave. She isn’t ever going to have to wonder why I let her go without a fight before … an act, a stupid attempt at being mature.

  This time I'm going to make sure she knows I want her back, and through my actions she will never doubt how much I love her.

  “I know you can't hear me … but I need you to understand. I’m buried in your absence, it’s killing me to try and live without you. I tried to keep them out, but they won. I’m afraid of what I became with them … and if that is who I really am. This is killing me, not having you here … I’m broken.” The confusion in her eyes confirms that didn't hear a word I said. Whispering the words trapped in my throat, “I’m begging you to stay with me … please.”

  I watch as the words form on her lips ‘I love you. No matter what, remember I’m part of you, and I love you’. She speaks slowly, articulating each word to make sure I understand. I nod to show that I do. Then she kisses me with such vigor, I am sure the starvation in our touch is going to crush us both. All of a sudden the realization hits me … she is squeezing as much as possible out of this visit, because she knows it won’t last long.

  I put my hands on the sides of her face and look into her gold-flecked eyes. Searching my mind at an incredible pace … I have to think of what I can tell her.

  Without listening to my head, I let my heart speak, “I love you, I miss you … I will find you!”

  I pull her in closer and gently lay my lips on hers. I am not going to close my eyes, not this time … I watch her melt into the kiss, then melt from my dream.

  When she disappears, I slide to the ground and curl into a ball. I can feel the heat on my cheeks, not from my pitiful display, but from my tears. All my muscles burn from trying to hold her, not relaxing even after she left; they are starting to cramp. Artemis lies beside me; she starts to clean my face, but then decide I need her warmth more. She curls up next to me and I focus on the texture of her fur and the rhythm of her breathing, until I close my eyes and slide into a dreamless sleep.

  *Michael*

  I have stopped by Christopher’s place two nights ago, but no one answered when I knocked. At the time, I only heard one set of claws running across the floor, and although I thought it was strange that Christopher would leave either dog home alone, I decided to leave well enough alone and head back to my place. After working the late shift last night, checking on a few questionable camp sites, I decided to head home to my bed. Now standing outside Christopher’s front door again, I can’t help but feel like something is wrong. When I knock, I hear the familiar scampering claws then an urgent howl, and gibberish whining that can only be Lune.

  Taking out my spare key, I decide to investigate. My heart starts to race, and my hands begin to shake … you would think I am heading into a room of armed militia. But given Christopher’s past and his possible ‘visitors’, I am both nervous and excited to find out what is going on.

  I try turning on the lights, but apparently Christopher let the batteries run too low … that is not like him. Lune runs from me to Christopher’s room, to his and Artemis’s food and water dishes, and then back to me. Watching him repeat, the trip around the cabin three or four times, I feel like asking this imaginary Lassie, if Christopher is trapped in the well? Following him over to Christopher’s bedroom, I chuckle nervously under my breath.

  Opening the door a little farther so I can look inside, the first thing I see is Artemis’s white paws. Looking over the top of the bed I realize they are asleep, both of them curled up and snoring. By the looks of the room, and the lack of food and water, I think they must have been sleeping for at least the past two nights. Every alarm sounds in my head, screaming that this is an emergency situation. Remembering that he and Artemis have gone into a trance like this before, I try to calm down. They are breathing fine, and whatever spell they are under, neither of them looks dehydrated or in pain.

  Leaving them, I walk outside to start up the generator; and while trying to stay composed, I walk back in the cabin. First things first, I pick up the dogs’ water dishes and carry them into the kitchen. Then I pull out a large pan and fill them all with water from the tap. Returning with the dogs’ bowls, I pour food into Lune’s dish. Then, with the last pan of water in hand, I walk into the bedroom and proceed to pour the whole thing over Christopher’s and Artemis’s heads.

  Christopher sucked in a stuttered breath and yelled, “What in the hell!”

  Artemis looks up at me and wags her tail with a sodden thump, thump. I lose my composure and start laughing so hard, I have to sit down. She crawls down into my lap, making sure to wipe her face and back across my face and chest. Seeing the innocent expression in her eyes as she soaks me in return, makes me laugh that much harder, until I start crying.

  “I bet you’re hungry.” She turns, and true to her gentle nature, she licks me to let me know she is in fact very hungry.

  “Come on. Let’s see if Lune left you anything to eat.”

  Looking down at the bed, trying to hold a straight face, I say, “Hey, man, you may want to take the sheets off the bed before the water soaks into the mattress.” Christopher gets up and mumbles something about my mother and mysterious origins of my biological father.

  Smirking I add, “I’ll take c
are of the food, while you get cleaned up. Man, you reek.”

  I watch him angrily pull all the covers off his mattress; and then with a huge smile on my face, I walk into the living room and fill Artemis’s food dish. She clears her bowl quickly, and then races for the front door where Lune is already waiting patiently to go outside. I watch them sprint across the space separating the cabin from the line of trees. Lean and fierce, they are truly magnificent as they bound with long, determined strides. I imagine what it would be like to see that sight coming head long at you, ears back, eyes bright with wit, the flash of fangs … they are threatening as hell.

  Even though it is already five at night, I decide to make breakfast. Looking through the fridge and cupboards, I find all the ingredients for a batch of omelets. The eggs are slowly cooking, and as I am finishing up chopping the rest of the ingredients into small pieces, Christopher walks in clean and dressed in fresh clothes. I am trying not to smirk while I nonchalantly layer cheese, meat and veggies on the eggs. I fold the eggs over the top of the fillings, then scatter another layer of cheese, and cover it to give it time to heat through and melt.

  Christopher breaks the silence, and wipes the smirk from my face, all in one statement. “I think I’ve lost my mind.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve been imagining her … Ellie, I mean. No, not the Ellie in Colorado ... but the Ellie I’ve been with since Vegas.” His eyes are cast down at the table as he sits.

  “Wait a minute … I’ve seen you react to her. I thought, maybe, I might have felt her.”

  Bitterly he replies, “Ha, guess that shows just how deeply I convinced myself she was here, if I made you believe it, too.”

  “I don’t understand … I know you love her, but why would your mind-trick you into believing she was here, and then show you … you were actually hallucinating the whole thing?”

  “I don’t think my mind had anything to do with it … Artemis showed me. She’s somehow linked to the ethereal mist, and she called Ellie from it. In my dreams, Artemis came to me; she led me to my sanctuary, from when I was growing up … I think I told you about it: the forest outside of Gothic, in Colorado. That was the place I would meet Ellie … our place. I don’t know how Artemis knew about it, how she negotiated through it, or how she called Ellie. But, I do know that she called Ellie to me. And apparently, there was enough of my mind intact to recognize the person who met us was the real Ellie.” He doesn’t look up from the table as he speaks.

  I don’t know what to say, all these situations are so new to me … I’m dumbfounded. To keep my hands busy, trying not to let on my discomfort, I set to work on serving the omelets. I understand the pain of wanting something you can never have; now, I thank god that my mind allowed my heart to heal. I can’t imagine the heartache a person must be experiencing to create such an intricate fantasy … and then to have that vision crushed? “Why do you think your mind created her, in the first place?”

  “I guess, I know the answer to that, too … she was my conscience. After what I did to Ann … that’s when she appeared for the first time. Something cracked, and the only way I could hold together was to believe that Ellie was with me … that she forgave me.”

  Okay, it is time to stop walking on egg shells, and be done with the story of what happened in Vegas. Knowing that Christopher can hear the resolution of the words in my head, I state simply, “It’s time to finish the story.”

  He solemnly nods his head as I set the food down in front of him. I can tell he has no appetite, but he picks at the food and eats nonetheless. So, I wait for him to continue.

  He cleans his plate without enthusiasm and puts it in the sink, then pours himself a glass of milk and grabs a Summer ale for me. He is planning on this being a long narrative.

  “We left off with me telling you about James’s execution, right?”

  “Yeah. You and Lune were trying to hide from his torture.” The evenness in my voice disturbs me a little.

  He nods as he sits back down at the table. “That was one of the longest nights of my life … listening to James scream, until V became bored. As the hours wore on I became desensitized to the noise, and actually fell asleep. When I woke, I could feel V in my head again … overwhelming my emotions; all he left behind was nothingness, what Ann called 'the void’. I got up, took a shower, even made a meal and took Lune for a walk … the void never lifted. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I’m not sure if it was V’s influence, or my broken psyche, but I was completely numb. So when he told me I had one more test and then I would be free forever, I shrugged my shoulders and followed him blindly into insanity.”

  “Was he using his ‘talents’ on you at the time? Was it like when you were at the old man's hotel?”

  “Yes and no. Yes, because the complete lack of emotions was overwhelming, similar to the rage I felt under V. And no, because there were none of the side effects of his manipulation evident; I think for the most part I was acting on my own.” Something flashes in Christopher’s eyes as he admits his guilt … self-loathing.

  “Let me guess, V’s last test involved you doing something to Ann.”

  His posture showed me that the self-loathing mixed with shame, as he nods again.

  “V waited until I was standing in front of her, in her little flat, to tell me what he wanted me to do.”

  “Did you hide your motive from her? Did you lie to her, about why you were there?”

  “I didn’t have to … Ann is the type of person, who once you’ve gained her trust, she’ll give you the shirt off her back. She’s also the type of person that if you mess with that trust, she’ll never give you the chance to make that mistake again.” His voice breaks subtlety, but he continues.

  “She opened her door for Lune and me, just like countless other times, without questions, just a smile … happy to see us. I didn’t exchange niceties as usual, but she didn’t notice that anything was wrong, until it was too late. I was already in her mind, pulling up images: her parents’ death, life on the streets, every degrading thing she had to do to stay alive. The humiliation on her face should have stopped me, but I only dug deeper … pulling up everything that hurt her. While holding those disastrous images in front of her mind's eye, I drug out everything that might give her hope of returning to happiness: joking with her mom and dad, the first boy she kissed, the love she had for friends and family, even memories of our first meeting. As I pulled the memories of bliss from her mind, I watched her slide to the floor … defeated. V was sucking up every second, every ounce of her hope … feeding on her like a leech, while I killed her. His voice still haunts me … ‘MORE! MORE! MORE! Ahhh, I haven’t fed like this in centuries.’ Her fear was evident as V obviously showed her his true self; he pulled off his mask so she could look at him as she died. I could see physical changes in Ann as we continued, humiliation changed to dejection, and then to betrayal. Her eyes began to sink; dark circles were developing in the soft tissue underneath them. She was strong, fighting me on every memory; but as V sucked away her soul, it became obvious she was fighting a losing battle.”

  “How could you?” I may not know Ann, but we spoke of her strength on many nights, and I was looking forward to meeting her someday. My anger turns the beer in my mouth into warm acid.

  He ignores my outburst and continues on with the story, forcing it out like involuntary retching. “I wasn’t surprised to see the fire in her amber eyes start to go out as she finally lost the strength to struggle. She lived for the fact that she was never going to be a victim; she was never going to allow anyone to take advantage of her consideration again. In one fell swoop, I’d taken away both of those and shattered her pride. My betrayal broke her more than what we were actually doing to her.

  "I don’t know where she found the strength to do it … but she pushed one last thought into my head. The potency of her words was made that much stronger, because of what she had to give up forcing them into my mind. She gave up everything … every last inc
h … she gave up the will to live, just to send me one last message, ‘Seeing you like this, would kill Ellie.’

  I hadn’t thought about Ellie in weeks … V’s manipulation, and then recovering from V’s power over me, had all but wiped her from my mind. Shock, disbelief, shame. I broke my hold on Ann as I realized what I had done … what I was doing. Standing there astonished by my own idiocy, I didn’t see Lune strike until it was too late to put my hands up. His right paw caught my chin, and snapped my head back, and with his weight against my chest, we both hit the ground, hard. Before I could recover, he struck again, this time grabbing me by my throat. I could feel his teeth digging into my jugular; I was sure he was going to kill me. I could feel the powerful piercing pressure as he broke the skin. I remember the burning in my jaw, and thinking that it was probably broken … as I started to lose consciousness.

  “Lune held me there, tight enough to cut off circulation, but loose enough to keep me on the brink of blacking out. I was completely incapacitated. My head started to throb and I could hear my pulse in my ears, then a bright light flashed before my eyes. I saw Ellie standing in front of me on the day she had left us in Colorado. This was a memory no one other than Lune could have witnessed: A vision deep into the mist, where my eyes were blind. Ellie was encased in green light, making her seem magical, and angelic. When she spoke in a whisper, it wasn’t to me, but to the observer. ‘Take care of him, I’ll be back, and I love you both very much.” She bent down and gently swept her face across mine … no, not mine; Lune’s.

  "I heard wailing around me as Lune held me to the floor. I remember thinking that was good, because Ann must still be alive … that was, until I realized it was me, who was making the grisly, guttural sound. I unconsciously tilted my head back to let out the cry, and in doing so drove Lune’s fangs deeper into my throat. I was ready to die right then, right there … bleeding out from the wounds my best friend made. I wanted to see myself dead, lying next to the corpse of one of my strongest allies and friends. ‘Ann’, I moaned, horrified by what I’d done.