by Amy Field
Now Martha finally realized that the answer was always in front of her, and she knew what she had to do. Lifting her daughter’s face she wiped the tears from her cheeks and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
“There is something I need to do. I will be back,” she advised her daughter before heading for her shawl to put around her shoulders as she made her way to the buggy and to the man she loved.
“What are you doing here, Martha?” Mark asked, confused. He thought she would have needed more time to think about her decision.
“I should have told you from the first time that I chose you, but I guess I just needed to get my mind prepared for the fact that I would have to hurt one of you to get my happiness.”
“You chose me?” he asked disbelievingly even as a smile spread across his face.
“I chose you because I love you, and I realize this is where I belong, with you. You represent what I have been searching for all my life and I want to spend the time I have remaining on Earth showing you just how much I care.”
Reaching his hand around her waist he pulled her to him and gently kissed her lips.
“I love you Martha.”
“And I love you, Mark.”
Again he embraced her as he showered kisses on top of her head. The boys appeared, curious as to what was keeping their father, and they too were enveloped in the hug. Told that Martha was to be their new mother, they squealed with happiness.
The End
Six months later
Martha looked lovingly at her husband as he helped their son to build a wooden truck. She watched with awe, marveling at how much they had transformed her life. If she had to go back and make a choice, he would always come out on top – he was her home.
Book II
The Rumspringa Secret
This is it, Ruth thought as she finally summed up enough courage to pull open the wooden gate and walk up the path towards the front porch of the house she had called home for so many years. From the chipped yellow paint that clung to the wood for dear life, to the wide porch swing and rose bushes on either side of the porch steps, nothing much had changed.
As soon as she found herself on the front porch, her legs began to shake threatening to give way and send her toppling. Holding up her hand that was also shaking and unsteady, she brought it against the hard wooden door in three soft taps. It was hardly likely anyone would have heard the light knocks but she heard rustling coming from behind the closed door and before she had time to prepare herself for whoever would come through the door, it opened. Before her stood her mother; she didn’t look as if she had aged a day since the last time Ruth had seen her, albeit it had not been more than three years.
“Hello mama,” she managed to whisper to the woman whose wide blue eyes stared at her as if she were a ghost.
“Ruth?” the woman asked in a disbelieving voice as she clutched the doorjamb tightly.
“Yes mama it is me,” she confirmed with a bit of hesitation. She wasn’t certain what their reception would be and she was very much afraid they would reject her.
Without warning the woman flung her arms around a stunned Ruth who barely raised her hands to pat her back.
“My baby,” the woman cried against her neck. “I’m so happy you came back to us,” she finished.
“I’m sorry for staying away so long mama,” Ruth began to say but the woman held up her hand halting her.
“None of that matters. You are here and that is what is most important,” she said while running her hands up and down Ruth’s arms.
At this Ruth burst into tears unable to comprehend the whole situation.
“No more tears now,” she said wiping away the water running down Ruth’s face. "This is a happy time. It calls for a celebration.”
Her mother reached out for her hand and held it tightly in hers as she gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“Come,” she commanded. “Your father and siblings are in the living room, they are going to be so happy to see you.”
At the mention of her father, Ruth cringed. The last time she had seen the man, he forbade her to leave on her Rumspringa but she had been adamant that it was her right to have the freedom to choose. Although he had relented and let her leave, she knew she had hurt him deeply. She could still remember the solemn look in his blue eyes that were usually bright with humor. The grim set of his jaw had made her shudder especially when he merely inclined his head in acknowledgement of her farewell.
While she had enjoyed herself in the English world, the turmoil she had gone through the last year was not worth the freedom she had fought so fiercely for. It made her wish she had listened to him and not gone. Now that she was back, she was ready to commit to the church and to resume her life as a member of the community.
“Josef, look who is here!” Ruth’s mother called out excitedly as soon as she stepped through the door of the living room.
Her father, who currently had his head bent and reading the bible, looked up in confusion but it was quickly transformed to a look of utter shock. Slowly the man got up from the armchair and began walking towards her. Ruth’s heart beat rapidly against her chest in anticipation of his approach. Her mouth felt dry and her feet felt rooted to the spot she was standing in.
When he finally stood before her, he simply stared at her unrelentingly, his eyes giving away nothing of how he felt. Ruth’s heart was still beating hard and she was sure that it could be heard travelling a mile a minute in the quiet room.
It surprised and shocked Ruth when her father raised his hands and cupped her face between his calloused palms forcing her to stare into his deep blue eyes.
“Welcome home, Ruth,” he said as a broad smile crossed his lips.
She was at a loss for words. Again she had not expected this type of reaction. All she could do was shake her head as her tongue had somehow become stuck to the roof of her mouth.
When he released her face, Ruth catapulted herself into his arms without thinking.
“I’ve missed you papa,” she whispered against his shirt as he patted her head.
“And I have missed you my daughter,” he replied causing Ruth’s heart to swell to unimaginable heights. “We all have missed you,” he confirmed.
At this he pulled away from her and she was able to see her two sisters and her brother with bright smiles on their faces.
A broad smile spread across her lips and she walked towards where they sat as they stood up from the large couch. All three crowded her as they encircled her in their arms, hugging her tightly.
“We’ve missed you Ruth,” her brother Jeremiah spoke on behalf of the rest.
“I’m here now and I am never leaving again,” she assured them.
After giving each a kiss on the head, her mother escorted her up to her old room so that she could get some rest and change out of the sundress and strappy sandals she wore.
“How is Elizabeth,” her mother asked as soon as she closed the door to her room.
“She is fine, mama. She sends her love as there is nothing else you would accept,” Ruth replied.
At this a dark shadow came over her mother’s clear green eyes before she shook her head, dispelling whatever troubling thoughts had just invaded her mind.
“That’s good to know,” her mother said in a tone that could only be described as ending the conversation. She began busying herself with changing the sheets on the bed and opening the window to let in the cool breeze blowing outside.
Ruth understood and she sympathized with her mother. She knew she probably wanted to know more about her sister who had abandoned the church and community more than two decades ago but it was prohibited. The only way there would ever be acceptable communication between the two was if Elizabeth chose to come home and recommit to the church.
“There all done,” her mother gushed as she smoothed the last wrinkles out of the bed she had just made for her daughter.
“Your clothes are still in the closet as you left them and I will put ou
t clean towels and soap in the bathroom for you to fresh up,” she advised her. “When you’re finished, you can come down and have supper with us. We’re having meatloaf, your favorite,” she continued.
“Thank you mama,” Ruth replied in a quiet voice.
Her mother gave her another warm smile before exiting and giving her privacy. Ruth used the time to acquaint herself with her old room. Indeed nothing much had been changed. The navy blue curtains that were hung from ceiling to floor were currently pulled back from the single window in her room that gave her a perfect view of the sky that was now streaked with orange and purple heralding the approach of evening. Her unsprayed chest was situated on the left side of the opened window while her armoire stood on the other side. Her bed was in the middle of the room and a simple desk and chair was on one side.
She gingerly made her way over to the table and sat in the hard high backed chair as she ran her hands over the smooth surface. Reaching forward she removed a pen from the handcrafted stationery holder before she pulled open the table drawer to remove her aged diary. She ran her hands over the not so new cover with ink and tea stains, then pushed her hand even further into the caverns of the drawer to pull out the key that was taped to the top.
Ruth inserted the key into the small key hole to release the secrets she had written on their pages. She skimmed through the pages until she came to her very last entry – it was made the day before she left.
Dear diary,
I know papa doesn’t agree with me leaving on my rumspringa but I feel like if I don’t go I will never get to truly experience life outside of this mundane community. I want to see the bright lights and the fairs with the great wheels that Maggie told me about. I want to wear the clothes that everyone outside of our community wears and I want to be able to style my hair and wear makeup and jewelry.
I still don’t understand why it is such a crime to get and use the things that would make our lives easier but while I am here I will abide by the rules.
I already told papa that I would go and I know I have probably hurt his feelings. I know it will hurt him even more as I don’t plan on coming back to this town. There is just too much out there that I want to experience and I doubt a mere six months or a year will be enough.
I just hope with time that they will come to understand my decision.
Ruth closed the diary with tears in her eyes. She wished she hadn’t been so eager to leave the community. If she had known what awaited her then probably she wouldn’t have gone in the first place. Nothing she did while out in the English world could be taken back – there was no do over. All she had to look forward to now was moving on with her life and that included committing to the church.
Rising from her seat, Ruth made her way through the door and crossed the hall to the bathroom directly in front of her room. After her shower, she wrapped herself in the robe that hung from the nail on the door and went back to her room to choose her outfit. She removed a navy blue straight tunic and an apron and laid them carefully on the bed. She then reached for the brush on the chest before sitting on her bed to brush her loose curls into submission. Securing it in a bun at the nape of her neck, she proceeded to get dressed. As she was about to step through her room door she remembered her head was not covered and crossed to where her chest of drawers was to look for a prayer kapp. Locating a white one, she secured it over her hair before progressing as before.
“Ahh, you look so beautiful,” her mother who was at the foot of the stairs, gushed as she made her way down.
Ruth found herself blushing at the compliment. It however was out of embarrassment as her mind flashed back to the last person that had complimented her and the disastrous consequences that had ensued. She hung her head as she felt her eyes begin to cloud over from the memory.
“Come let’s go present you to the rest of the family,” her mother said eagerly, missing the change in her daughter’s mood. Hooking her hand in the crook of Ruth’s, she began to pull her towards the dining room.
She was surprised to see that it was more than her immediate family present at the table. Her father’s sister and her aunt, Aunt Peggy and her husband Paul were at the table along with her twin cousins Abigail and Adam.
“There she is,” her father called out with pride in his voice. He stood and came to greet her with a kiss to her forehead. “You’re aunt and cousins wanted to welcome you back so they will be having supper with us,” he informed her.
Just then, Aunt Peggy rose from her seat and came to her with her pudgy arms outstretched.
“It is good to have you back Ruth,” she said as she constricted the air entering Ruth’s airwaves by her tight hold.
Then came Abigail and Adam, who told her how happy they were to have her back. They had grown so much over the last three years that Ruth could do no more than marvel at their maturity.
As soon as everyone was seated at the table, grace was recited and the main course served. Everyone complimented Martha, stating how good the meatloaf tasted. This caused her mother to blush with pleasure.
“So what was it like to be in the English world for so long, Ruth?” Adam asked as he fed himself another serving of the meatloaf.
Ruth’s fork stilled in the air at the abruptness of the question posed to her. Her chest again tightened and it became troublesome to inhale or exhale. Her palms became sweaty and her heart beat erratically. She had hoped no one would ask her about her experiences outside of the community. Such talk was usually deemed an intrusion into the sacredness of their detachment from the outside world.
“Adam, we are at the dinner table such talk is not permitted, you know that,” Aunt Peggy intervened giving her son a stern look as his father sat by her side with an equally stern look if not scarier. She knew it wouldn’t end well for her cousin and she felt sorry that she would be the cause of his discipline.
Adam hung his head in shame as Aunt Peggy turned an apologetic smile on Ruth who gave her a brief smile before returning her attention to her food.
After the meal, the extended family left as she retired to the living room with her parents and siblings. Her two sisters spoke animatedly about school and all they had learned and she listened keenly as everyone tried to bring her up to speed with what had taken place in her absence. She learnt that quite a number of her friends were now married and some were even expecting. She was happy for them but it also caused a wave of melancholy to sweep over her as she remembered her loss.
Jeremiah at fifteen was currently working with their father at the tanning shop where they made and repaired shoes and other leather items. She learnt from her father that business had been slow but that they were still able to make ends meet. She wished there was something she could do to help out.
“I want us to meet with Pastor Yoder, so that we can begin the process of having you commit to the church,” Josef informed his daughter who nodded her agreement.
“Remember we have service this Sunday by their home. That’s as good a time as any don’t you think?” her mother asked him.
“I suppose,” he agreed.
“But I wanted to go fishing with David after fellowship,” he informed Martha.
“I’m sure he’ll understand if you don’t make it.”
Josef rubbed his bearded chin in consideration before he nodded his head in agreement.
“You’re right, I’m sure he will,” he replied with a bright smile.
Martha returned the smile before she rose to clean up the tea things. Ruth arose from her seat and attempted to help her, but she waved her hand refusing the help.
“I can manage, Ruth,” she assured her daughter. “Tomorrow you can help with the house chores and cooking, but today I just want you to relax.”
Ruth gave her mother another grateful smile before settling in the armchair once more.
For the remainder of the evening the family sat in the living room singing hymns from their book of songs and everyone recited a verse from the bible. Josef then expoun
ded on a particular bible chapter then they prayed. Everyone then retired to their own quarters.
Ruth went to her room to prepare for bed. The journey back to Lancaster had been long and tedious. It had taken a toll on her body and all she wanted to do was to get a good night’s sleep.
After removing her clothes to don the plain cotton nightie, she removed her kapp and loosed her hair from the tight bun. She then pulled back the plain comforter and got into the bed. As soon as she closed her eyes, she fell into a dreamless sleep.
Ruth awoke to someone calling out her name. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she turned to see her sister standing by the open door.
“Mama told me to come get you,” the little girl said.
Ruth nodded her head in acknowledgement.
“I’ll be there in a minute, Elsa,” she answered her as she pulled back the covers.
Her sister gave smiled in response before closing the door and trudging down the hall.
Ruth swung her feet over the side of the bed as she rested her hands on the cot to support her frame. Looking over at the clock above her door she realized that it was a little past six.
She forgot that in this house everyone was up by 5:30 and set to start their chores by six. She guessed being away so long and not having any real obligations where time was concerned, she had grown accustomed to waking up any time she chose.
Now she would have to reacquaint herself with the early rising. She quickly made her way to the bathroom and took a quick shower. She then put on yet another plain blue dress with a white apron before pulling her hair back and adding the kapp. She didn’t have the time to detangle it.
When she made it downstairs, her mother was already by the stove making what looked like pancake batter.
“Good morning, mama,” she greeted.
Her mother looked over her shoulder throwing her a small smile before going back to the task at hand.
