Boarded by Love

by Toni Aleo

  Closing my eyes, I rest my head on my knees and cry until Reese comes knocking on the bathroom door. “Claire, honey, you’ve been in there a while. Can you come out?”

  I love how she doesn’t ask if I’m okay. I think she knows I’m devastated.

  “Yeah,” I answer, standing up and tucking my phone in my pocket. Opening the door, she waits for me on the other side, a small smile on her face as she looks me over. I’m waiting for her to ask what happened, but a part of me thinks she knows. I think she knows that my lies caught up with me and that Jude did exactly what I feared.

  He left me.

  Reaching out, she laces her fingers with mine and asks, “Hungry?”

  I shake my head, but my stomach betrays me and rumbles. She smiles as she pulls me against her side and says, “Well, maybe you can eat just to make me feel better.”

  I shrug and lean my head against her shoulder as we make our way into the kitchen. Phillip is leaning against the counter, but that’s not what holds my gaze. His bags are by the door, which means he’s leaving. Looking up at him, I ask, “When do you leave?”

  “Tonight,” he answers. “But I have time to find that kid and kill him.”

  I’m not sure if he’s being serious or trying to make me laugh, so I just shake my head, sitting down at the island in front of a huge plate of waffles covered in my favorite strawberry sauce.

  “No, don’t. It’s my fault.”

  “What happened?” Reese asks, leaning her forearms on the island. “Did he find out about the club?”

  Slowly I nod, my throat burning with emotion. “Yeah, he did, and it was bad,” I say and then I tell them what happened. They don’t say anything as I explain about his dad. I was sure that Phillip was going to lose his shit when I told him what Jude said about my being like my mom, but he surprises me and just listens.

  “I mean, maybe I am, you know? Maybe I am just like her and I’m going to be alone and run through men thinking they’re each the love of my life. I should have known better, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the club. I knew that he wouldn’t like it,” I say, wiping away the few tears that have fallen.

  Coming toward the island, Phillip says, “One: you aren’t your mother, not in the least.”

  “He’s right,” Reese adds with a nod.

  “And two: if he loves you, he’ll come around. Just give him time to process. I needed time and we’re fine.”

  “But you have to love me,” I say, and he shakes his head.

  “I know, but I didn’t have to forgive you. It’s not easy to forgive; you have to push aside your pride and believe that the person won’t hurt you again. That’s not an easy thing to do. Give him time.”

  “I just don’t think he’ll come around. You didn’t see his eyes, they were hard, and my God, he was so upset.”

  “Of course he was, Claire. Not only did he find out you lied to him, but his dad was cheating on his mom. That’s a lot to take in at once,” Reese says. “Give him a few days, see what happens.”

  “Yeah,” I say with a nod. “Maybe, but what do I do till then? I drove myself crazy when you didn’t talk to me, and honestly, I don’t know if I can handle it from Jude. I’ve talked to him every minute of every day. When we weren’t together, we were texting. How do I just stop that?”

  Reese reaches across the table, taking my hand in hers. “You have to be patient, just remember he is going through the same pain you are.”

  “Or he’s sleeping with anything with tits,” I supply, and she gives me a dry look.

  “I doubt that. When you truly love someone, you don’t get over them that quickly.”

  “That’s the thing, though; how do I know he really loved me? I mean, he just ended it, didn’t even try to understand my reasoning or even care that I was sorry.”

  Setting me with a look, Phillip says, “Do you really believe that he doesn’t love you? I may not like the guy, but even I know that’s crap, Claire. That kid worships the ground you walk on. You have him wrapped around your finger like a knot. He’s mad, his pride hurts, and he is also dealing with the shit with his parents. He’ll come around.”

  Before I can say anything, my phone signals a text. When I see that it’s from Jude, I almost drop my phone trying to open it as my heart pounds in my chest. Opening the text thought, my heart falls into my stomach and dissolves away from the acid in my gut.

  Hey Jude: You did lose me, stop texting me.

  Looking up, I can’t see Reese and Phillip because of the tears in my eyes. Laying my phone down, I shake my head as they roll down my face. “He said to stop texting him.”

  Reese makes a noise of distress and Phillip goes, “I can still kill him, Claire. Just say the word.”

  But I don’t want to say the word; I just want Jude to come back to me.

  It’s been three days.

  Three days of nothing from Jude. Not a single text, call, Facebook post, tweet, nothing. It’s like he fell off the face of the earth. I haven’t seen him on campus, I haven’t heard anything, and it’s honestly killing me. I just don’t get it. How does someone disappear? And doesn’t he miss me? I mean, I feel like my heart isn’t even in my chest, that he took it. I can’t concentrate on anything. Not school, not work, not even the damn showcase that I have to plan. I have to start teaching the girls this weekend, and I don’t even think I’ll have anything. Every time I go to work something up, I just imagine Jude walking away from me and I crumple in a pool of tears.

  I need to see him. I need him to see me. Maybe that will help.

  I head to the Bullies’ house, my heart in my throat as I sweat bullets, but when I get there, Jude and Jayden aren’t there.

  “They haven’t been back in a couple days. They had a family emergency,” Matt says, leaning against the door. “Shouldn’t you know that?”

  “Yeah, I should,” I say and then I turn to leave as my heart aches in my chest. Heading to the car, I get in and slam the door behind me. I’d head out to his mom’s house, but I don’t remember how to get there. I also wouldn’t want to face his family when I know they know that I’m a liar.

  I need to know that he’s okay, though.

  Opening my Facebook, I find Jayden’s profile and message him.

  Claire Anderson: Hey Jayden, I came by to the house to try to talk to Jude but you guys aren’t here. They said it’s a family emergency. I was just wanting to make sure that you all were okay.

  Unlike his brother, Jayden answers me.

  Jayden Sinclair: Hey, yeah, Mom isn’t handling everything well. My dad is being a dick and keeps threatening to come by here. Since my sister has Angie here, we’ve decided to camp out till we can convince my mom to call the cops. She’s being stubborn.

  Claire Anderson: I’m sorry that this is all going on.

  Jayden Sinclair: Yeah, it sucks. It will be over soon.

  Claire Anderson: Yeah, very soon, I hope.

  Biting into my lip, I take in a deep breath and type what I really want to know.

  Claire Anderson: How is he?

  Jayden Sinclair: Not good.

  My eyes cloud with tears as I suck in a deep breath, letting it out in a whoosh.

  Claire Anderson: He won’t answer my calls, my texts, my anything. I can’t get him to talk to me. I don’t know what to do.

  Jayden Sinclair: I don’t know what to tell you to do. All I know is that he’s hurting bad, and anytime anyone brings you up, he flips his lid but then I saw him watching the video on his Facebook. The one of you dancing, so I don’t know. I don’t know if it is his pride that won’t let him talk to you or if it’s the fact that he really doesn’t want to be with you. I think it’s the former though, if that’s any help.

  Claire Anderson: It does. Thank you. I really am sorry, for everything. For the pain your mom is going through and for Jude. I never meant to hurt him.

  Jayden Sinclair: I try to believe that no one ever really wants to hurt the person they love. In my mom and da
d’s situation that statement isn’t true but with you and Jude, I think it is. He loves you Claire, I know he does, you just have to figure out a way to reach him.

  I read his message twice and then it’s like a light bulb goes off above my head.

  Claire Anderson: I think I know how.

  An hour later I’m in the middle of the studio with Skylar standing in front of me with the camera.

  “I can’t believe you never told him,” she says, adjusting the camera.

  “I know I’m an idiot,” I say, setting her with a look.

  “You sure are, but I think this is going help him forgive you,” she says, sending me a grin. “You look mighty cute too.”

  I smile as I look at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing Jude’s jersey with a pair of blanket tights underneath it and teal booty shorts. My hair is down in curls, and I wear no makeup because I want this to be completely raw. I want him to watch this and know that I’m miserable without him.

  Completely and utterly lost.

  “I don’t like the song. I think it should be something else.” she says, and I roll my eyes.

  “Skylar, I’m broken here. I want him to know that, and the words in the song are perfect.”

  “Whatever. I think you should do it to ‘All of Me’ by John Legend.”

  I nod. “While yes, that is an amazing song, it’s not the right one for this moment.”

  “I think it is.”

  “Um, this is my ‘please take me back’ video. I hired you to videotape.”

  “Whoa, wait, you’re paying me?”

  “With ice cream,” I say and she smiles. I wish I could smile back, but I just don’t have it in me.

  “Okay, let’s do this,” she says, taking the remote to the stereo and then setting up to where she isn’t in the mirror but has a perfect shot of me. Heading to the middle of the floor, I turn with my back to her and my head tucked between my arms, my fingers dusting the back of my neck. I nod once and then the music starts to Adele’s “Don’t You Remember?”

  When the piano starts, I slowly move my body to the sweet music, moving around so effortlessly, as if I am air. I make myself one with the music, the way I know Jude loves. As I spin on my toes, my arms in the air in the most elegant way, I know this has to work. Tears sting my eyes and I allow them to fall as I sing along with the song. Each word is everything I want to say to him because I know he has to remember that he loves me. I know he does, he just needs a little push, and this is the push to do it.

  Turning, I look at the camera, tears streaming down my face, my eyes wide and full of love and hope that this will work. When Skylar drops the camera, I close my eyes and wipe my tears free from my eyes. I try to pull it together. I don’t want to break down in front of Skylar, but I can’t stop this because if it doesn’t work, I might die even more inside. Squatting to the ground, I hold my face in my hands as the tears fall in torrents out of my eyes.

  “Oh, Claire,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s gonna work out. This will work. Come on, let’s watch it and upload it.”

  Nodding, I take in a deep breath as we fall to our butts and watch the video. Of course, I’m my own worst critic and see where I could have done something better, but I feel that Jude will love this –that this might be the golden ticket to get him to talk to me. I mean, I just laid it all out there. I’m basically begging here and I thought I would never do that, that I would never beg for someone to love me. But for Jude, I’d do anything.

  “It’s perfect,” she says and I nod.

  “I agree. Here, let me upload it,” I say, taking my phone from her and going to my Facebook. Opening a status, I type:

  Jude Marshall Sinclair, I love you. More than words. I’m sorry.

  I then tag him and upload the video. We don’t talk as we watch it upload and then wait as it processes. When it’s completely uploaded and I see it on my newsfeed, I wait. I know he has it set to where if you tag him, it text messages him. So as long as he has his phone, which he probably does, he has to have seen it, but I’m not getting anything. People are liking the video, even commenting that we’re the cutest couple in the world but nothing from Jude.

  “Maybe he doesn’t have his phone?” Skylar asks after twenty minutes of staring at my phone.

  “He always has his phone,” I say, clicking on the status again, but this time I see that his name isn’t tagged to my status anymore. “What the hell? Did I not tag him?”

  “No, I saw it tagged,” she says, looking over at my screen.

  “Shit,” I mutter and then click to tag him again, but when I do, I can’t find his name. “What the hell?” I whisper and then I type his name up in the search bar. When I click on his name, I see why he wasn’t tagged in my status and why I couldn’t tag him.

  He unfriended me.

  He doesn’t want me.

  Chapter 47

  Jude

  I can’t take it.

  I don’t make it through the video before I’m stopping it and closing my whole Facebook app down. The only problem is that everyone and their momma is commenting on the post, and it’s a constant reminder of the love that I let go. Opening the app back up, I go to her profile and just stare at the picture of us together. We were so happy, and I was so unbelievably blind to what she was hiding, but it is by far my favorite picture of us. I even have it as my profile picture. My lips are so close to hers, and I’m whispering that I love her. She giggled and then she snapped the picture.

  It is a picture of our love.

  I want to go through my phone and delete everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know it’s only been four days, but each day it gets harder and harder because everything reminds me of her. I want to call her, I want to answer her texts, I want to find her and just hold her. I want to forgive her, but all I see is my mother, balled up in her bed, crying. If Claire could hide this part of her, what would keep her from hiding anything else from me? How do I trust her? How do I forgive her?

  I feel my tears stinging my eyes, so before I chicken out, I hit the unfriend button, and then without really thinking, I throw my phone across the hall. Falling into my pillows, I hide my face in them and allow myself to let it all go. As soon as I close my eyes though, I see her. I see her body moving to the music of the video in such an effortless way, a way I love because it’s so beautiful. I see my jersey on her and something about her wearing that jersey always hits me straight in the gut. I see her eyes, flooded with tears, begging me to forgive her and to just hold her and tell her I love her. I can’t, though. Biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself for sobbing out loud, I squeeze my eyes tight and beg for it all to go away.

  The pain. I want it gone, but it doesn’t subside. It only grows – completely taking over and making me feel like I have nothing. In a way, I don’t. I don’t have Claire. She was my everything, and now I’m just alone. I changed; I became the man who deserves a girl like her, and now I’m alone. Why is that fair? I did everything right. I never lied, cheated, I was brutally honest, and fucking hell, I love her with everything inside me. How could she fucking lie to me? Did she not trust me? Our love? What? Why didn’t she tell me? I mean, yeah, I would have been a little mad and a little jealous, but we would have figured it out, but instead she lied. She hid a whole other part of herself because she knew it was wrong, and that makes me mad all over again.

  I feel almost lightheaded.

  Like I’m high on something that gives me the shakes because I’m about to see her. It’s been a full week since I’ve seen her in person. I still stalk her Facebook even though I deleted her, and I still look at our pictures more times then I’d like to admit. Tonight is a home game though, and I’m going to see her. Even if I’m not ready to. Dressed and ready to go, I stand in front of my locker, rocking side to side in my skates. I’m listening to a bunch of Ed Sheeran, which isn’t what I usually listen to before games. He’s all I’ve been listening to since I got in Jayden’s car and we drove
off. For some reason, I like his songs of love and getting drunk; they soothe me, almost.

  Letting out a long breath, I look around at my teammates. Everyone is quiet, preparing for the game. I want it to be loud and distracting – anything to get my mind off what has happened in the last week. Since deleting Claire from my Facebook, somehow everyone knew and the girls are coming at me in droves. I don’t even know how they got my number or why they think Facebooking me pictures of them in their undies is going to make me call them, but that doesn’t stop them from doing just that. I want to delete everyone, hell, my whole Facebook. That is a great idea, so I’ll do just that. Sitting down, I dig my phone out of my bag and deactivate my account. When it confirms that I’m no longer a member of Facebook, I feel a little better, but then I remember that I’m not with Claire and my mood turns sour once more.

  Closing my eyes, I lean back in my locker and just wait. The game should be starting soon, and when my skates hit the ice, I think I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget that Claire lied to me, that my dad is a horrible excuse for a man, that my mom cries twenty-four seven, and that things may never be the same. I may live the rest of my life alone because if I can’t be with her, I don’t want anyone else. When my phone vibrates in my hand, I look down to see that it’s a text from my mom.

  Mom: Claire’s uncle and aunt are here. They said hi to me and wished me well. That was nice.

  Me: Yeah, great.

  Why is she telling me this? I don’t care…kinda.

  Mom: I thought so. I also saw Claire. Oh Jude, she looks completely heartbroken.

  That makes my heart hurt a little.

  Me: She should be.

  Mom: Jude, don’t be like that.

  Deciding I don’t want to deal with my mom right now, I tuck my phone in my bag and close my eyes again. It doesn’t take long before the coach comes in and does his speech about winning. I don’t listen, though. All I think about is Claire looking heartbroken.

  Thanks, Mom.