‘How can I do that, Eddie? I can’t make him do anything.’
‘Do you want him to leave?’
‘Yes.’ I’d said that without missing a beat, because I meant it. I wanted him to leave. I wanted him to go, and stop invading a world he wasn’t welcome in.
‘Lana, listen, I just… I know that me and you… what we’ve got here… I know it’s confusing. But this is me, darlin’. This is how I live – no ties, no commitments, and I just… I guess what I’m trying to say is… If you need to see him, to see Adam… If you need to…’ He pushed a hand through his hair, looking away for a second before his eyes met mine again. ‘Whatever you need to do…’
What exactly was he saying here? It was like he’d, all of a sudden, just thrown another layer of crap and confusion onto an already-growing pile.
‘What’s your point, Eddie?’ I pulled away, narrowing my eyes as I looked at him.
‘You know the score, Lana. No commitment, we said. No ties. Neither of us wanted that.’
‘Yeah, I know the score, and I still know it. I understand the way this is all working, I get it. Okay? And I’m still not entirely sure what it is you’re trying to say, but, if I’m sending out messages you’re not happy with then you’re reading them wrong.’
‘Lana…baby, come on… What the hell’s going on here, darlin’?’
‘You tell me, Eddie. Because I don’t have a fucking clue.’ I looked over at Kaley. ‘We ready to go?’
‘We sure are, honey.’
I turned to look at Eddie again, his expression as confused as I felt. This whole surreal conversation was just one more thing that had succeeded in throwing me. I wasn’t sure where it had come from. I just felt like I needed some time out now – an escape from the man I wanted to escape with. How ironic was that?
I started to walk away, but Eddie stopped me in my tracks, his hand on my arm making me turn back around to face him, the kiss he gave me almost verging on violent, yet, at the same time it had a calming effect that was instant.
‘I need you in my life, darlin’,’ he murmured, his mouth resting against mine as he spoke, and I felt my knees almost give way beneath me as his hand fanned out in the small of my back. ‘And whatever I said just there, however it came out… There are reasons why I…’ He bowed his head, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek and I frowned, waiting for him to finish that sentence. ‘Just know that I need you, Lana. We’re good together, baby. We are so good together.’
Resting my hand against his cheek, I stared into his eyes. Sometimes he seemed so far away from that man I’d met in a Vegas hotel just a few weeks ago – was that because he was finally starting to feel real? Was the fantasy now fading and the reality beginning to show itself? I kissed him back, but I said nothing in reply. I just pulled away from him and headed over to Kaley.
I didn’t understand anything that had just happened there. Maybe we both needed a little bit of time away from each other. Just a little bit of time. Because, right now, it felt as though that feeling of freedom I’d started to experience was beginning to slowly disintegrate, and a wall of doubt and confusion was quickly taking its place. And if I didn’t knock it down as soon as possible, it had a real chance of surrounding me completely.
‘Three, two, one!’ Kaley shouted as we both downed the shots in one mouthful, slamming our glasses back down on the table. ‘And I’m gonna have to wave the white flag now, honey, because I’m in charge of that bike out there. But that don’t have to stop you. I’m guessing you could kinda do with the release.’
I leant forward, clasping my hands together between my knees as I looked out around me, taking in the dimly lit bar we’d ended up in with the loud music and the eclectic crowd. It was only three in the afternoon yet the place was filled to the rafters, everybody partying like it was Saturday night. But I had to remember I was in Vegas. A place so far away from my other world. The real world? ‘Thanks for this, Kaley. I really needed a bit of time out and this has helped like you wouldn’t believe.’
‘Yeah, well, a few vodka shots and a little bit of help from our friend Jack Daniels never hurts, does it? I could tell you needed to get away for a while, even if you won’t tell me why. And, like I said before, you don’t have to tell me anything, and I ain’t gonna pry, but, you and Eddie, back there at the compound… Is everything okay between you guys?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘Eddie’s probably the least complicated person I know, Lana.’
‘The situation is complicated.’ I looked down, once more focusing on my naked left hand. Why was I doing that now? When I’d never done it before. Not in all the time Adam and I had been apart. I lifted my head, my eyes meeting Kaley’s. ‘Has he… has Eddie ever been involved with anyone? Seriously, I mean. Only…’
‘He doesn’t talk about his relationships much – at all, if I’m being honest. So I really don’t know. I have no clue what his life was like back home in the UK, because he doesn’t talk about that much, either. All I know is, in all the years I’ve known him, he ain’t ever had anyone living with him. And he’s never brought anyone to the clubhouse before. So I know that you – you’re different.’
I looked down again. The alcohol may have blurred the edges slightly, but some things were still way too clear.
‘He’s a dreamer, Lana, and sometimes he feels as though he doesn’t always fit in with the way the rest of us live because Eddie he… he’s old school, you know? And he can be a bit of a loner. But at the same time he needs to know he has something to fall back on. People he can turn to. Because I’m not sure he wants to be alone all of the time, and that’s where the club comes in. He doesn’t hang around the place as much as some of the other guys do. Some of them practically live there. But Eddie… he prefers his own space more than anyone I know. He has his own way of doing things. He’s different. And I guess it’s just taking a bit of time for you to get your head around that, huh?’
I shrugged, reaching for the bottle and pouring myself another vodka shot, knocking it back in one. ‘There’s something I need to do.’ I looked at Kaley. ‘Can you take me back to the Strip?’ I wasn’t even sure why I’d asked that. The words had almost fallen out of my mouth without me realising.
‘Sure I can, sweetheart. Come on. Let’s go.’
As we headed back to the main drag, I clung onto Kaley as she handled the bike as well as any man, picking up speed when necessary, taking corners in a way that was both exhilarating and nerve-jangling. She was one real-life, kick-ass biker chick, and I was beginning to really like her. Really like her. If she could inject just a little bit of her ‘take no shit’ attitude into me I was sure I’d be able to handle Adam and Eddie and everything else I had to deal with a whole lot easier than I had done so far. Because I was beginning to realise that, maybe, I wasn’t quite as ‘kick-ass’ as I’d thought I was. I still had a way to go on that score.
Pulling up outside the hotel Kaley brought the bike to a halt. ‘You gonna be okay?’ she asked as I climbed off.
‘Yeah. I’m gonna be fine.’
She threw me a small smile. ‘Okay, darlin’.’ She started the bike back up. ‘You need anything, you know where I am, you hear me?’ she shouted, raising her voice above the roar of the engine.
‘Thanks, Kaley.’
‘Don’t mention it, honey. I’ll see you later. You take care now.’
I watched her speed off, back out on to the Strip, taking a second to wonder if I was doing the right thing here. But I obviously wasn’t going to settle until I got this out of my system. Until I found out what he really wanted. Because he wasn’t going to go away until I did.
Reaching into my pocket I pulled out my phone and without hesitation punched in his number. He answered almost immediately.
‘Lana?’
‘You’re right, Adam. We do need to talk.’
17
Stepping into the elevator I closed my eyes, leaning back against the grab rail, breathing in deeply, q
uietly. My head was spinning slightly, the alcohol finally beginning to take hold now, but I knew I couldn’t – wouldn’t – have done this sober, whatever this turned out to be.Because right now I wasn’t altogether sure. I was kind of playing it by ear.
As I walked along the corridor, checking the room numbers as I went, a tiny part of me wondered if this was such a good idea. Should I not just turn around and head back to the bike shop? Back to Eddie? Back to what I really wanted? Because I’d been happy – happy with the uncertainty and the freedom and the utterly mind-blowing sex. I’d been happy with everything just the way it was. Until Adam had turned up. So I needed him to go, to leave me alone to get on with the new life I’d been building for myself. A life without him in it.
Finally finding Adam’s room I hesitated for just a second before I knocked on the door; the tiniest of raps. It was almost as if a part of me deliberately didn’t want him to hear, then I could pretend he wasn’t in there, turn around and leave this alone. But I could hear him coming towards the door, and now my feet felt as though they were glued to the spot, so I couldn’t really go anywhere, even if I’d wanted to.
I took a step back as the door opened, and there he stood, all tanned and bearded and different. And that’s what was confusing me. This wasn’t the Adam I’d been married to. This was someone else completely.
He said nothing, just stood aside to let me through, closing the door behind us. I walked inside, taking in the oversized room with the enormous bed and the dark walls and the stunning views of Vegas that greeted me from the huge picture window.
‘I’m glad you came.’
‘You didn’t leave me much choice, really.’ I turned to face him. ‘Did you?’ Had he always been that handsome? Had his eyes always been that blue? Why couldn’t I remember that? Had we really lost sight of each other that much? ‘I mean, you obviously aren’t going to go anywhere until you’ve said whatever it is you want to say to me, so, come on. Whatever you’ve come all this way to say, just say it.’
‘What I want to say to you and the reason I came here are two completely different things. Now.’
I frowned. I didn’t have a clue what he meant by that.
‘I came here to tell you that I think… What you’re doing is a mistake, and I still think that. I still think it’s a crazy, stupid thing you’ve done. But the second I saw you, after all these months… I still love you, Lana. I still love you.’
I shook my head, my eyes refusing to leave his. This wasn’t what I’d wanted. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. ‘Adam, please. Don’t. I only came here this afternoon because I… I want you to understand that I need you to leave.’
‘And I want you to understand that I’m not going anywhere. Not now. A couple of days ago, maybe, I could have been persuaded to leave you alone, to let you get on with whatever the hell this is you’re doing, with a stranger. A stranger, Lana.’
‘He isn’t…’
‘He is. Grow up, sweetheart, and realise that’s exactly what he is.’
My eyes still wouldn’t leave his, and my feet wouldn’t move either, so all I could do as he came closer was watch and feel my heart pick up a steady rhythm that was continuing to confuse the hell out of me.
‘Twenty years, Lana. We shared twenty years of our lives. And you can just push that aside, can you? Just like that?’
‘No,’ I whispered, shaking my head again, wishing he’d stop this. I needed him to stop this. ‘Adam, please…’
He was right there in front of me now, so close I could smell that familiar cologne, something that sent more memories rushing forward to flood my brain. ‘Do I look different, Lana?’
I breathed in deep as he slid a hand around the back of my neck, gently stroking it with his thumb.
‘Because you look different. So different to the girl I was married to.’
‘Adam…’
‘And I like that. I like that we’re different now. We’re not the same people we were a year ago. We’re not the same people…’ He trailed off, his mouth moving closer to mine and I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable, until a wave of reality washed over me, suddenly sobering me up. Something inside me snapped and I pushed him away, stepping back from him. He held up his hands in surrender, bowing his head for a couple of beats before looking back up at me. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t want you to be sorry, Adam. I just want you to go home.’
He shook his head, his hands in his pockets as he continued to stare at me. ‘All those tattoos, the hair; the way you look now, Lana… Yes, a while back I would have hated it all. I can’t deny that. But the more I look at you…’
I felt another rush of blood to the head and whereas a second ago I’d felt almost sober, now it was as though the alcohol I’d been drinking all afternoon was having a staggered, almost delayed, reaction, hitting me in waves every now and again.
I moved closer to him, reaching out to run my fingers over his rough chin. He was right. We weren’t the same people anymore. And all of a sudden I found that incredibly exciting. Something was happening I couldn’t control, and it was probably the alcohol’s fault, and I may well regret every second of it in a few hour’s time, but what the hell? That had been my mantra for the past year. Why change things now? ‘The tattoos turn you on, huh?’
He grabbed my wrist, his eyes boring deep into mine, but he said nothing.
I laughed quietly, not caring that his grip was hurting me. ‘We play hard now, do we?’ He’d never really met the new Lana. He didn’t know her, didn’t know what she was capable of. He didn’t know the things she’d learned in such a short space of time. But if he wanted to find out…
‘Do they turn you on, Adam?’ I whispered, watching as his eyes scanned my right arm, taking in the shapes, patterns and the rich, vivid colours that covered my skin. ‘Do they turn you on? Make you think you’re dealing with a bad, bad girl?’
‘Jesus, Lana…’
Oh, this was good. I was having fun now. If this was the way he wanted to play this, I was quite willing to take charge, and teach my once straight-laced ex-husband things he probably never even knew existed. He might even like what I was about to show him. Maybe. It was worth a try. I was here now. And I was curious. I wanted to push him, see how far he was willing to go. I wanted to show him who I was now. And if he still loved me after that…
‘You ever fucked a bad girl, Mr Saunders?’
He groaned as I slid a hand down over his neck, sliding it inside his shirt, touching his chest. He felt harder than I remembered, more toned. He’d quite obviously been hitting the gym more frequently than usual. Turning himself into that different man he claimed he’d become?
‘Do you want to fuck a bad girl?’
He grabbed my waist, pulling me against him with so much force it knocked the breath right out of me, and I had to hold onto him to steady myself. But it had also knocked some sense into me, too. Brought the reality of this situation rushing forward like a tidal wave. I must have drank way more than I’d thought I had this afternoon because my head really wasn’t straight at all. I was all over the place here.
‘Adam, I’m sorry, this isn’t fair on you…’ I disentangled myself from his arms, stepping back, but his grip on my wrist was firm. He wasn’t letting me go anywhere.
‘No, Lana. Baby, I need this.’
He’d never called me ‘baby’ before. Never used that kind of language. And all that did was confuse me more. I didn’t know who he was. And I didn’t know who I should be when I was around him.
‘I need you.’
‘You don’t know me anymore, Adam.’
‘I do. Lana, I do. And, right now, I want you more than I can even begin to describe.’
He wanted sex, that’s what he meant. Because I’d pushed him to that point; it was my fault. And even though I hated myself for it, it was what I wanted, too. God help me.
I felt my heart start to pick up that rhythm again; that fast, painful rhythm. And I found my
self thinking about Eddie, remembering our confusing, almost surreal, conversation earlier today before Kaley had taken me away from it all for an afternoon of drinking and dancing and talking to strangers who, for a short while, had made me forget all of this; everything I’d done. The mistakes I’d made.
I searched his face for something, anything that could tell me he was being honest here. Because I didn’t know what to do anymore. A part of me wanted to close my eyes and let a man I’d known half my life take me again, draw me back into his world, back into his bed. But another part of me wanted to walk right out of here and go back to that new world I’d thought I was settling into. That ridiculous, crazy, stupid world. Eddie and me, we were planning our trip. Preparing to take to the road, just me, him and his Harley. I didn’t need this.
‘I want to fuck a bad girl, Lana.’
Hearing him talk like that, his voice low and deep, it sent a shiver so sharp, so red-hot running through me I couldn’t stop my body from shuddering as his lips touched my neck, his hand sliding down onto my hip.
‘I want to fuck a bad girl.’
I pulled away, just a touch, shaking my head, a slight smile on my face as my fingers ran lightly over his unfamiliar beard. ‘No. You want the bad girl to fuck you. I promise, it’ll feel so much better.’
He groaned again, probably because I’d pulled right away from him now, slipping my t-shirt off over head, my eyes locked with his. He wanted to see how much I’d changed since I’d walked out of his life? He was going to see it all.
‘Oh, Jesus, Lana…’ His groans grew louder, his eyes dipping as I unclasped my bra, tossing it aside, continuing the slow strip in front of him, letting it turn me on as much as him. We were going there now, heading in one direction only. Any doubts I had about this situation would have to be pushed aside because it was way too late to turn back. Way too late.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 14
