He walked over to me, lifting me up and sitting me down on the dressing table, helping me slip off my jeans, sliding my knickers down so slowly, his eyes burning into mine. I was verging on desperate for him now, the ache inside me growing by the second. Or was I just desperate for sex? Desperate for some kind of release?
‘Why did I let you go?’ he whispered, stepping between my legs, his thumbs flicking over my nipples, drawing loud gasps from me as my head fell back, my legs wrapping around him. ‘Why didn’t I fight harder to make you stay?’ I could feel his hard-on through the denim of his jeans, feel it pushing against me, and I wanted it inside me. I wanted him inside me. But I’d told him a bad girl was going to fuck him, and right now he was taking the lead. And that had to stop. So, despite a need to just unzip him, grab him, and put him where I needed him to be, I drew back a leg and kicked him away, which must have hurt because I was still wearing spike-heeled boots.
‘We’re doing this my way, remember?’ I slid down from the dressing table, running both hands through my hair before shaking it out. ‘You wanted to play dirty…’
‘Jesus Christ… I was married to you?’
I smiled as I watched him throw off his clothes with an almost indecent haste, trying not to show my obvious appreciation at the body that was being revealed in front of me. He really had been looking after himself since we’d split up. He was more toned, harder; he truly was a different man. And I wanted to see if he felt different, if he fucked different. Until Eddie had walked into my life, Adam had been the only man I’d ever slept with. And I was more than ready to see if the familiarity was still there, or if something inside both of us had changed everything.
I walked over to him, slowly, making sure his eyes took in every movement of my hips, the slightly exaggerated swagger I was putting on, before I reached out to touch his chest again, fanning my fingers out, letting my hand slide down until it was wrapped around his rock-hard dick. ‘You ready for this, Mr Saunders?’ I breathed, squeezing him tight, the sound of his moans as he threw back his head causing my knees to almost give way. He was ready. And I was more than ready for him. For this. Whatever it was. ‘Lie down,’ I whispered, pulling my hand away from him and giving in to the urge to touch myself. Just briefly, but enough for him to see it. For his expression to let me know he wanted to see more.
He did as he was told, lying down on the bed and I straddled him, kneeling up, sliding my hand back between my legs, watching him as he watched me continue to touch myself. I was deliberately playing with him now, something I’d never done before. Sex between us had always been pretty straightforward; good, but never all that exciting. And maybe that was why, in the end, it hadn’t even interested me anymore. But now – now I wanted to play with him. Physically and metaphorically speaking. This handsome man with the piercing blue eyes and a body so hot I couldn’t quite get my head around the fact he’d once been my husband.
Pulling my hand away – even though I could have quite easily brought myself to the most incredible of orgasms within seconds – I ran my fingers up and over my thighs, my hips, touching my breasts, stretching out as another shiver shot through me.
I felt him reach out to touch my thigh, but I pushed his hand away, shaking my head as I looked at him. ‘My rules, Adam.’
‘Lana, come on,’ he groaned. ‘This isn’t fair.’
I leant over, arching my back, letting my breasts lightly brush over his chest, my fingers intertwining with his. ‘It’ll be worth the wait. I promise.’
With Eddie, he always took the dominant role where sex was concerned. In the short time we’d been together that was the way it had always been. And, okay, sex with Adam had never been like sex with Eddie but, thinking back, I’d always allowed him to take the lead, too, to instigate everything; to control it. Now I wanted to take some of that control back. To make my own rules and play them hard. And I liked it. I could get used to it. Control suited me. I’d probably never be able to dominate Eddie, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but Adam was different.
I inched up slightly, lowering myself down onto his stomach, letting the wetness between my legs touch his skin. And that action had the required result, eliciting another long, deep groan from him, his fingers tightening around mine as I rubbed against him and I leant over again, licking that space just below his ear, arching my back down so my breasts once more pressed lightly against his chest.
‘Lana… Jesus, I’m going to explode here… I’m begging you, sweetheart, if I don’t… Jesus Christ!’
‘Don’t be such a baby.’ I let go of his hands, slowly trailing my fingers across his chest, down over his stomach, moving myself back a touch, finally taking him in my hand again. ‘We’re almost there.’ I kept my eyes on his, holding his gaze as I raised my hips slightly, pausing for just a second before I lowered myself down onto him.
It was like coming home, to a newer, slightly upgraded, home that could give you so much more than the old one ever could, and I closed my eyes, leaning back to take him deeper; to feel him there inside of me. My husband – my ex-husband. A man I’d walked away from because I’d thought this was over. Finished. Done. And yet now, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was so far from over. He’d seen to that by coming here. And I didn’t know whether I still hated him for doing it, or whether I was glad that he had. My emotions were all over the place.
Leaning forward, his eyes once more meeting mine, I pushed down harder onto him, forcing him to go deeper. Did he feel as confused as I did right now? Or was everything I was feeling just down to the alcohol I’d consumed today? Should this even be happening at all?
I felt one of his hands in the small of my back, the other one cupping my breast, and when his mouth finally touched mine I knew I wanted to kiss the fucking life out of this man until my lips hurt and neither of us could take any more. Shit! What the hell was going on here? We’d not been divorced five minutes and yet, this was happening. But as I felt that rush of white-hot pain start to build, creeping up my legs until it hit me right where it mattered, I couldn’t think about that. Couldn’t think of anything except what he was doing to me – what I was doing to him. The way he was making me feel. The familiarity of his body in mine as he came fast and hard.
‘Lana, Lana, Lana…’ he murmured, his face buried in my hair as our bodies stayed locked together, taking in every last second of what had just happened. ‘What are we doing?’
I slowly pulled myself up, climbing off him straightaway, walking over to where I’d thrown my clothes down on the floor. Prolonging this wasn’t a good idea. I needed to get away, needed to think.
‘Lana?’ He got out of bed, coming over to me, pulling me into his arms, and for a few seconds I felt like I’d been transported back to a time when his arms had been my place of safety. Somewhere I’d never wanted to leave. Until I’d realised I’d begun to rely on him just a little too much; that depending on him wasn’t a good enough reason to stay together when everything else just wasn’t working. And I didn’t need to depend on him anymore, did I?
‘I should go.’
‘I don’t want you to go. Lana, we can do this, me and you. We can make this work again. Start over…’
I shook my head, pulling away from him, reaching down to retrieve my clothes, hurriedly pulling them back on. ‘It shouldn’t have happened, Adam, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair…’ This hadn’t been the plan. This had been so far from the plan. I was only supposed to have let him talk, listen to what he had to say, then tell him to leave. I wasn’t supposed to have done this. Was I really that weak?
‘You walking out on me again isn’t fair, Lana.’
‘I didn’t walk out on you, Adam. Our marriage was over.There was nothing there, nothing to…’
‘Didn’t you feel it? Just now? Didn’t you feel that?’
‘It was sex, Adam. That’s all it was.’
‘That wasn’t just sex. There was a connection. I felt it, and I think you did, too. Something is still ther
e, Lana. It’s still there.’
I looked at him, knowing that what we’d just done here, this had only made everything worse. ‘Don’t, Adam.’ I pulled on my t-shirt, raking my hands through my hair. It was time to go. Time to get out of there.
I started making my way to the door, but he grabbed my wrist as I walked past him, swinging me around to face him. ‘I mean it, Lana. What happened there, all that has done is reinforce everything I already knew – I still love you. I’m still in love with you. Can your biker boyfriend say the same, huh? Does he love you like I do? Does he love you at all?’
‘Don’t, Adam, please…’
‘Do you love him?’
I stared at him, feeling his fingers tighten around my wrist. ‘I’m not here to find love.’
‘Then why are you here? I mean, I thought you’d found your new life back in Newcastle? Finn, the tattoo studio, all your new friends… Is that not enough for you anymore?’
‘Where is this going, Adam?’
‘Whatever you want me to be, Lana, I will be it. You want a new man? Then you got him.’
‘It isn’t that simple… Jesus!’
‘I love you.’
‘And you saying that constantly really isn’t helping.’
‘I’m trying, darling…’
I shook my head, his grip on my wrist loosening slightly. ‘This isn’t you,’ I whispered, pulling back from him. ‘All of this… It isn’t you.’
‘I don’t want to be me anymore, Lana. You walked away from me.’
‘Adam, please…’
He pulled me back into his arms, his mouth closing in on mine in a kiss so deep and gentle I had no choice but to accept it, to kiss him back just as deeply, just as gently.
‘Come back, Lana,’ he whispered. ‘Please. Come home.’
I rested my forehead against his, stroking the back of his neck with my fingertips. ‘I have to go, Adam.’ Yeah. I had to go. Before I did something I really would regret. Something I regretted even more than what I’d already done.
I pulled away from him and headed towards the door.
‘Lana…’
The sound of his voice made me turn back around, my eyes locking with his.
‘I’m serious, sweetheart. I’m not going home. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving Vegas unless you’re leaving with me.’
18
I loved hanging out at the bike shop. Eddie was teaching me more and more every day, building my understanding, making my love for those two-wheeled machines grow. We rode almost daily, whenever we could, and those were the times I looked forward to more than anything, especially the early-morning rides when we’d get up just before dawn and head out onto the open road as the sun began to rise. Out there, surrounded by an expanse of nothing but desert, the sound of Eddie’s Harley the only thing piercing the silence, the rising sun turning the sky a sea of reds and oranges and colours so beautiful I truly felt, sometimes, like I was in a kind of temporary heaven.
We’d stop for breakfast in a small diner off the beaten track, make love outside and not care if we were caught, then we’d ride back to Vegas and open up the shop, knowing we’d already had the best day. That’s what Eddie Fletcher did for me. He took me away from the crap and confusion and made me feel alive. No ties. No commitment. No shit to deal with. We’d got that sorted now. We knew where we stood.
But there were also times when the reality of what was really happening kicked in. When I realised pushing Adam and the fact he was still in Vegas to the back of my mind wasn’t going to work long-term. I still had to face up to what was going on. Choosing the usual head-in-the-sand option wasn’t something I could keep up forever, although for the past couple of days that was the option I’d taken – avoiding Adam since that afternoon at the hotel, because I wanted to be with Eddie and the escape he could provide. Adam had tried calling me, of course he had. But I was ignoring him, even though I knew I couldn’t do that for much longer. I just wanted a bit more time to think things through, that was all.
Should I have told Eddie that I’d slept with Adam? That was something else that kept going round and round in my head. The guilt I felt at what had happened was a regular visitor. It tore me apart, what I’d done to Eddie. I’d been weak and stupid and the last thing I’d ever wanted to do was hurt him. So there wasn’t a day went by when I didn’t regret what had happened with Adam; when I didn’t regret being so weak. So selfish. I’d taken what I’d thought I wanted at the time, without even considering the consequences. But every time I came close to saying anything, to telling Eddie the truth, he’d kiss me, or tell me something that made me laugh, and the moment was gone. The decision to just forget it had happened winning over. I knew it was wrong, but I was terrified of losing what I had with Eddie. Terrified of losing this new life I was building, even though I had no idea where it was heading.
I looked up as I heard someone come into the shop, a slow smile spreading across my face as Eddie and that still unbelievably sexy swagger of his headed towards me.
‘Hey, big guy.’ I slid an arm around his waist, kissing him quickly and he grabbed me, pulling me in for a deeper, longer kiss.
‘Hey, darlin’.’ He pulled back slightly, his fingers running lightly over my cheek, his eyes staring into mine with an expression I just couldn’t read. ‘Everything okay here?’
‘Everything’s fine,’ I replied, walking back behind the counter.
His mood seemed a little strange.For the past few days I’d had a feeling he was slightly distracted, by what I had no idea, but it seemed to be more evident every time he headed out to, or came back from, the club. Every time he saw Nate.
‘What’s happening here, Lana?’
I felt something inside me shift. I’d thought everything was okay between us. Despite the fact he’d seemed distracted at times, I hadn’t thought it was anything to do with me. But now I wondered if I’d been slightly naïve in thinking that. The past few days had almost felt like normal, though. Before Adam had turned up. Before I’d let myself become distracted. ‘There’s nothing wrong, Eddie.’ I slowly looked up, my eyes meeting his. And he held my gaze, his stare carrying a hint of coldness that hadn’t been there a few seconds ago.
‘I didn’t ask if anything was wrong. I asked what was happening.’
I could feel the guilt rushing forward again, spreading through me like wildfire, bringing with it the fear that one stupid mistake could have messed up everything I was starting to love.
‘You slept with him.’ It wasn’t a question. Somehow he knew.
I felt like I’d just been floored by a punch so hard to the stomach I couldn’t breathe for a second or two. And I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t. I needed a minute to get my head straight, to work out how to handle this. So I walked through to the room at the back of the shop, but he followed me, of course he did. What else had I expected him to do?
‘Did you sleep with him, Lana?’ Eddie kicked the door shut behind him, his voice tight.
‘I… Jesus!’
He bowed his head, raking both hands backwards and forwards through his hair in an almost manic fashion. ‘Kaley told me she dropped you off outside a hotel on the Strip, a few days ago. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out that the only reason you’d be there, at a hotel on the Strip, would be to see him. I don’t mind that. I don’t. I said if you needed to see him…’
‘Eddie…’
He looked up, right at me, his eyes dark and dangerous, a nervous shiver trickling down my spine. ‘Did you fuck him, Lana?’
I took a deep breath, backing up against the wall, determined to keep calm as he moved closer. ‘It was a mistake,’ I whispered, breathing out slowly, his hand resting gently against the side of my neck.
‘Aye, darlin’. It was.’
His thumb stroked the base of my throat, his eyes searching my face for – what? Checking to see if the guilt was obvious?
‘Did I push you, Lana? To do that? To fuck him?’
I frowned, aware of how close he was now, his mouth almost touching mine as he spoke. ‘I don’t… don’t understand…’
‘That morning, at the compound, the conversation we had. I told you, to do whatever you needed to do… Did I push you towards him?’
I shook my head, my breathing becoming lower, shallower, the heat of his body almost unbearably hot as he closed in on me. ‘No, Eddie… I’d been drinking, I was confused, I just wanted to hear what he had to say…’
‘And you had to sleep with him to do that, huh?’
‘I’m sorry… Baby, I am so sorry.’
I closed my eyes as his mouth bore down on mine, the kiss surprisingly soft, given his manner and how tense the atmosphere was. ‘What we have, darlin’, I don’t know what the hell it is, I really don’t. And I thought I’d be able to handle this, I thought I could…’ He looked down, his hand still resting against my neck.
‘Eddie?’
He slowly raised his head, his hand pressing a little harder now, his eyes still dark, still dangerous. But I wasn’t scared. I didn’t feel threatened in any way. In fact, what I was really feeling was a flicker of excitement; a twisted kind of turn-on.
‘I need you, Lana,’ he murmured. ‘Jesus, baby, I fucking need you. Right now.’
I didn’t feel like I was entirely there. It was almost as if I was watching from the sidelines, witnessing how warped and fucked-up this relationship really was because, until now, until this very moment, I hadn’t realised that’s exactly what it was. But I needed him, too. I needed him.
He moved his hand from my neck, winding his fingers into my hair, pulling my head back slightly as his other hand slid up and under my dress, yanking down my knickers with such force I was sure I heard them tear, but all that did was draw the longest moan out of me. He was taking me in a way that was rough, verging on brutal, but at the same time so hot I could feel how wet I was. How wet he’d made me.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 15
