As his mouth crashed down onto mine he pushed inside me, a beautiful pain shooting through me, causing me to groan loudly against him. And we laughed, both of us, we laughed as we kissed, as he fucked me, my legs wrapped tight around him. It was the craziest, most unreal moment. And I didn’t understand it, didn’t even try to. I just let it happen. Let his body invade mine, because I liked it. He was pushing Adam away, and that’s what I needed – to push Adam away.
‘Jesus Christ!’ Eddie shouted as he came so fast, so quickly, he almost lost his balance. ‘Jesus!’
I held onto him, my eyes closed, my face buried in his hair as I tried to catch my breath. Now we were done, had it changed anything? Made the situation any clearer? What had happened here, there was a reason for that. A reason why the sex had been hard and the words confusing.
‘It’s over, Lana.’ His voice was quiet as he gently put me down, his eyes almost burning into mine as my messed-up head tried to process what he’d just said. ‘Us. It’s over, darlin’. We’re done.’
19
Kaley passed me the joint and I took a short drag. I didn’t really want to because I wasn’t used to it, and I didn’t particularly want to get used to it. But, right now, as I lay back on the couch in Eddie’s front room, listening to Pink Floyd and Joe Bonamassa, drinking beer with some of the guys from the club, I needed the release it was giving me.
‘Eddie tells me your ex is in town,’ Kaley said, taking the joint from me.
‘Eddie had no right to tell anyone anything.’
She looked at me. ‘Touchy subject, huh?’
I didn’t reply.
‘So, what’s he like – your ex?’
‘Nothing like Eddie,’ I replied, sitting up and picking up my beer, taking a long swig. The alcohol, combined with everything else I’d been drinking and smoking over the course of the night, was beginning to make me feel more relaxed than I actually was, but that was okay. It was good. It was necessary.
‘I’m gonna go find Eddie,’ I sighed, knocking back another mouthful of beer as I stood up.
‘Lana, I’m sorry.’
I sighed, turning back around. ‘It’s not you, Kaley, okay? Things are just… Well, you know how things are between me and Eddie right now and… I need to talk to him.’ I headed out into the hallway, checking my watch as I walked, although I had no idea why. It wasn’t like I was going anywhere.
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here.’
My head shot up at the sound of his voice, and I felt my heart almost physically break as I looked at him. He’d told me it was over, but it was like I was in some kind of denial. I was still in the process of moving out of his place, of finding somewhere to stay, and being here, being around him, it was sad and hard for me to take in. Because it was only when I’d heard him say the words – that it was over – that I realised how much I really wanted him. Needed him. Distancing myself from him, it wasn’t something I was in a hurry to do, which was why I was spending my time in the company of Kaley and alcohol and cigarettes I shouldn’t be smoking – anything to help me try and understand what was going on. Or forget it all. Neither was happening. ‘Do you want me to go?’
He stood there, all dark and dangerously handsome in that sexy, almost dirty way, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. And I just found that unbelievably hot. So hot I temporarily forgot we weren’t together anymore.
He bowed his head, taking a draw on his cigarette before he looked back up at me. ‘No. I don’t want you to go.’
I moved a little closer, taking the Jack Daniels from him and helping myself to a mouthful.
‘Come here,’ he murmured.
And I should have said no; shook my head and just walked away. He’d ended it, he didn’t want me anymore, so why put myself through more pain by sinking deeper into this increasingly surreal situation? But I was weak. So bloody weak.
Stepping into his arms, I let him fold them around me, nestling myself against his hard body, the smell of cigarette smoke and beer something I now found strangely sexy. On him. He tilted up my chin so I looked right at him, his mouth brushing gently over mine, the confusion so painful; so real. What were we doing?
‘I never meant to hurt you, Eddie,’ I whispered, snuggling into him as he leant back against the wall. ‘And I’m so sorry I did that. I’m so sorry.’
‘I can’t do it, Lana. Not anymore.’
His hand ran lightly up and down my spine as he held me, and I just wanted to close my eyes and stay there, in his arms. I wanted to wind the clock back and erase everything I’d done to cause this. ‘I don’t want to go.’
‘I know, baby.’ He tilted my chin up again, kissing me slowly, another shot of calm rushing through me, albeit for a very brief second. ‘I know. But I…’ He threw his head back, letting out a loud, almost tortured, sigh. ‘Lana, darlin’, this is so hard for me to…’ He took my hand, leading me over to the stairs and we sat down, his hand still holding mine, but his head was down, his hair falling over his eyes and I felt an overwhelming urge to lean forward and push it back, tuck it behind his ears, just like I’d used to do.
‘What’s going on, Eddie?’
‘Do you love him, Lana?’ He finally raised his head, and there was a sadness in his eyes that I’d never seen there before. An almost heartbreaking sadness. ‘Adam. Do you still love him?’
I’d really wanted to say no, without missing a beat, so sure was I that any feelings I might still have for Adam were gone. But more beats than I cared to count had already passed, and I hadn’t given any kind of response.
Eddie’s head went down again, and he let go of my hand, an action that filled me with a sudden, painful emptiness. ‘I was in love, once. A long time ago.’ His eyes dropped to the floor, his hands clasped tightly together. ‘Back in Glasgow. We’d met when we were just teenagers, hanging out with the local bikers at a fair that had rolled into town for the summer. Best summer of my life, that was.’ He seemed to drift off some place else for a few seconds and I let him go there. I sensed it was a place he needed to re-visit, even if it was only for the shortest time. ‘She was beautiful, Lana. Really beautiful. All long auburn hair and a smile that could floor any man. She had an attitude from hell, of course, but that’s what I loved about her. She took no crap from anyone. Knew how to stand up for herself.’ He raised his eyes to the ceiling, closing them briefly before he once more dropped his gaze, staring back down at the floor. ‘We were together a long time, almost thirteen years, and I… I loved her, so fucking much. She was everything I’d ever wanted. She was… she was everything…’ He lifted his head slightly, and I watched as his expression changed, a fresh wave of sadness engulfing him. And I felt my heart break, felt it shatter into pieces for this man I hadn’t ever really understood. But now I wished I’d tried harder. I wished I’d tried. ‘When I woke up that morning, and she wasn’t there, I knew something was wrong. Something wasn’t right, it hadn’t felt right for a while, but I’d just ignored it.’ He gave a short, cynical laugh, dropping his head again. ‘She’d been having an affair. With my brother. It had only just started, that was their defence. It had only just started… Aye… It was all in the note, all the details, all the necessary crap needed to break my fucking heart…’ He pushed a hand through his hair, a heavy, pain-laden sigh escaping him. ‘They were gone. The two of them. Left, just like that. They didn’t even say where they were going, just upped and ran off, leaving only that fucking note.’
‘Oh, Jesus, Eddie… I had no idea…’
He looked at me, his expression a little harder now. ‘Why would you? I’ve never told anyone this. Never shared this with any other person. But that’s why – that’s the reason I left Scotland. I needed to get away, from everything that reminded me of that life I’d wanted. The life I’d almost had; the woman I’d wanted to spend it with. I just walked away from everything, left it all behind – my job, my family, everything. I wanted to forget it all, pret
end none of it had existed, that’s how much it had affected me. And coming here, it worked, you know? I started again, built a new life for myself, and I love that life. So fucking much. I love the bike shop, love Vegas; love the fact Nate and the guys gave me a new kind of family. One I could rely on. One that wouldn’t cheat or lie or take away everything I’d ever loved. It’s just that… after what’s happened…’ He dropped his gaze, and I felt my heart shatter all over again, crumbling into dust inside of me. ‘I said I didn’t want commitment, but that was a lie. I fucking lied, Lana. Because I knew I was falling in love with you, and that scared the fucking crap out of me.’
I took a deep breath, desperately trying to keep tears that had started welling up behind my eyes at bay. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t deserve to cry.
‘Oh Jesus, Eddie…’
‘I can’t do it, Lana. I thought I could. I thought putting up those barriers and pretending I didn’t care; I thought doing all of that would stop this from happening. I thought you’d be nothing more than a beautiful escape…’ He pushed a hand through his hair, but it just fell straight back down over his eyes because his head was still bowed. ‘But knowing you slept with him… I can’t do it, darlin’.’ He looked up, his eyes staring deep into mine. ‘I can’t let myself go there again. I thought I could, thought I could deal with all this shit now but… I can’t.’
I shook my head, reaching for his hand, and he let me take it. Let me wrap my fingers around his. ‘I’m so sorry, Eddie.’
His smile was weak, and it didn’t reach his eyes, but as he touched my cheek, his thumb gently stroking my skin, I felt a pain I hadn’t known could even exist cut right across my chest. ‘It’s a mess, baby. It was a mess from the start. Because I don’t think either of us were ready for this.’
I closed my eyes, feeling tears start to slowly slide down my face as I rested my forehead against his.
‘If you think there’s even the slightest chance you might still love him, Lana…’ Eddie whispered, his thumb still stroking my cheek, brushing away the tears that were still falling. ‘Just the slightest chance…’
‘I want you.’ I wanted the warped and twisted love I had with Eddie, not the conventional kind I’d once had with Adam. That kind had only dragged me down, made me hate the person it had turned me into.
‘Any chance, Lana. Any chance. Don’t let him go until you know for sure, darlin’.’
‘No,’ I whispered, shaking my head. ‘No.’
‘There’s so much for me to get my head around right now, baby. And I can’t… I just… I can’t…’ And then we were kissing; his mouth moving against mine in the most beautiful way. I don’t know how it had happened, whether it was just the emotional situation, or the fact neither of us really wanted to let this go, I didn’t know. I just knew that we were kissing, that he’d pulled me onto his lap, that my skirt was pushed up over my hips and we were making love, right there, on the stairs. He was inside me, and I never wanted him to leave. It was fucked-up sex, for a fucked-up situation. ‘I’m sorry.’ His mouth rested against mine as he spoke, so quietly the words were barely audible. ‘I’m so sorry, darlin’…’ And when he came, I cried. Slow, silent tears, the worst kind of self-pity taking over as I held onto him, moving with him, taking everything he was giving me because this could be the last time I was ever this close to him. So when the tears finally stopped I still clung onto him, closing my eyes, trying to keep the world shut out for as long as I could because all I wanted to do was live these final few minutes with him. These final, few, beautiful minutes.
‘I’ll tell him to go,’ I murmured, running my fingers through his hair, aware that he’d done what he needed to do now. He was finished. And with that realisation came the crushing reality of what was going to happen next. ‘We can work this out, Eddie.’ I pulled back slightly, so I could look at him. ‘We can take that road trip, baby. Just you and me. We can talk this through…’
He took my hands, moving them away from his face before lifting me up and off him. ‘It’s over, Lana.’
I stood up, following him as he took the stairs two at a time. ‘You really want me to go? Huh? Can you look me in the eye, Eddie, and tell me you really want me to go?’
He swung around, the sadness that had taken over his eyes just seconds earlier having been replaced by an almost cold steeliness as he stared at me. ‘Of course I don’t want you to go, Lana.’
‘Then tell me to stay. And I’ll make Adam go.’
He shook his head slowly, his eyes still fixed on mine. ‘It’s too close to home, darlin’. What you did, it’s too close to home. It’s brought back too many memories, memories I was done with, and you brought them back.’
‘Then you have to tell me you want me to go, Eddie. You have to tell me, and you have to make me believe you really mean it.’
In a movement so sudden I couldn’t have seen it coming, he’d grabbed my wrist, pushing me back against the wall, his mouth once more crashing down onto mine, sucking the breath out of me. ‘Every fibre of my being is screaming out for you to stay, darlin’. Because I don’t want you to go. I want this – the messed-up sex and the days spent planning our escape, just like we’d talked about. I want that so much it hurts like fucking hell. But knowing what you did, knowing that you might still love him, knowing that he touched you… That hurts so much more. Loving you and losing you, baby, that’s something that could rip me in two and I can’t go there. Not again. I can’t take that risk.’
Lifting up my leg I kicked him away, running my fingers through my hair and shaking it out. ‘Then I’m wasting my time here.’
Our eyes locked together, the stare long and hard and achingly brutal. He wanted me, I needed him. And neither of us was going to win this one.
‘You’re really that weak, Eddie?’
‘Because I don’t trust you? Because that’s what it comes down to, Lana. Trust. Loyalty is everything – remember?’ He dropped his gaze, running a hand over the back of his neck. ‘I know this…’ He looked back up at me. ‘This thing we had, I know it was complicated. It was confusing. And we both tried so hard to believe that we didn’t need – didn’t want commitment, but…’
‘Don’t you even want to try and work things out? We could be so good together, Eddie, you said that yourself. When I’m with you I feel like I can take on the world…’
‘You don’t need me to be able to do that, darlin’.’
I felt fresh tears start to well up behind my eyes and I blinked a few times to stop them from falling. ‘You have no idea how much I need you, Eddie.’
Once more a deep, painful silence fell between us, our eyes still locked. ‘If you love him, Lana, in any way – if you love him, you need to make sure you don’t lose him.’
‘I don’t love him, Eddie.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘I slept with him. That doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him.’
‘You’ll regret it, baby. One day. Maybe not now, maybe not even in a few years, but one day you’ll regret it, regret not taking this chance to find out just what you really need…’
I walked over to him, running my fingers down over his cheek, resting my mouth against his, kissing him so slowly, every movement of my lips on his tearing another piece of me away. ‘You said we shouldn’t let the past drag us down, Eddie.’
‘But he’s not really your past, Lana. Is he?’
‘Eddie…’
‘If you’d really wanted to let go of the past,’ Eddie whispered, his eyes staring deep into mine, ‘… then why keep his name?’ He gently took hold of my wrist, stepping back from me, his eyes never leaving mine. ‘Come get your things tomorrow.’
I watched him disappear into the bedroom – our bedroom – before a wave of something I could only describe as anger took over, and I followed him, slamming the door shut behind me. ‘You want to walk away from this, Eddie, you do that, okay? You throw it away before we’ve even had a chance to see where it could go…�
��
‘No, darlin’, you already did that.’
His eyes were blazing, but I was sick of all this shit now. I was fighting for what I wanted here. I was going to fight until every last breath had been wrung out of me.
‘Why, Eddie? Hmm? Why did I decide that fucking my ex-husband would be a good idea? Because we messed-up. You’re spinning me all this crap about stepping back from commitment when that’s exactly what you’re looking for, you’ve just said so yourself. But do you know what the ironic thing is here? I’m not. I’m really not. Or I wasn’t, anyway. I walked into this relationship not wanting to be tied down, I just wanted some fun, and I got that. In fucking spades. You were so good for me, Eddie. So good. And I don’t know when all that started going wrong, I don’t know when the early-morning bike rides and sex by the side of the road stopped being what we both wanted…’
‘There’s something going down at the club,’ he sighed, leaning back against the wall, pushing a hand through his hair.
I looked at him, frowning slightly. ‘Like what?’
‘You don’t need to know.’
‘Don’t I?’
He fixed me with a look that almost froze my blood. ‘You don’t need to know, Lana. That way you don’t become involved in shit you need to steer well clear of.’
My frown deepened. ‘You in some kind of danger?’
‘I got distracted, that’s all.’ He sighed again, his head turned away from me, his eyes fixed on nothing in particular. It was like he was just staring into dead space. ‘I got distracted, took my eye off the ball.’ He turned to face me, sliding a cigarette between his teeth and lighting up, taking a long, deep drag on it, blowing smoke upwards. ‘I let go of us, Lana.’
‘Jesus, Eddie…’
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 16
