He took another drag on his cigarette, looking down as he flicked ash onto the dark wooden floor. ‘I need to move on.’
‘Without me?’
He raised his gaze, his eyes showing just a touch of that sadness they’d expressed earlier. ‘Loyalty is everything to me, Lana. Loyalty is everything. Without that, darlin’, we are done.’
20
I almost ran along the corridor, my heart beating out of my chest, my head spinning, but I knew what I was doing. Knew he was to blame for all of this. I’d played my part, I’d let weakness take over, but he should never have come here. He should never have reopened a past that was finished with. It should never have been brought into the present.
Hammering hard on his door, it took just seconds for him to answer. I hadn’t even considered the fact he might not be in there. I just assumed he would be.
‘What the hell…?’ His eyes widened in surprise as he saw me.
I was slightly out of breath, but that anger was still there, kicking its way to the surface with every second that passed.
I pushed past him, slamming the door shut behind me. ‘Go home, Adam.’
He stood completely still, a small laugh escaping as he folded his arms, a slightly amused expression on his face. ‘I’m sorry?’
‘Go home. This is crazy. You, being here, it’s crazy. And it’s messing everything up.’
He continued to stare at me, which only served to make the anger inside me grow, masking the pain I’d felt at walking away from Eddie. Because I hadn’t wanted to do that, hadn’t wanted to leave, but I’d had no choice. And I needed someone to blame, someone to focus that anger on because I’d already beaten myself up so many times I wasn’t sure I could take any more.
‘I told you I wasn’t leaving here unless you were leaving with me, Lana. And that still stands.’
‘I don’t love you, Adam.’
‘Don’t you?’
‘Go home.’
‘Would a drink help?’
‘Everything we did that afternoon; sleeping together. It was a mistake.’
‘If I thought you really meant that I’d probably pack my case and book my flight right away. But I think you know as well as I do that…’
I’d slapped him before I’d even realised my hand had been raised, my palm connecting with his face in an action that, for a split second, shocked me. I’d never done anything like that before, never felt the need, never felt this level of anger. And why? In reality it wasn’t even him I was angry with. It was me. He hadn’t forced me to sleep with him, I’d made that decision all by myself. Me. My fault. It was my fault I’d lost Eddie – my fault I’d hurt him. My fault I’d lost that life I’d been loving.
Adam grabbed my wrist before I had a chance to go there again, and that second’s worth of respite that had appeared suddenly vanished, to be replaced by another wave of confused anger.
‘Is this really what you’ve turned into, Lana,’ he hissed, still holding onto my wrist, his eyes burning into mine. ‘Is the denial that much of a killer, huh?’
I wrenched my arm free, backing away from him. ‘You really want me, Adam? Do you? You really want me? Even after this? After I come in here shouting crap and hitting you? You still want me?’
He turned his head away from me, his hands in his pockets, his eyes closing for the briefest of seconds, as though he was quickly trying to take in the whole situation. ‘I want my Lana back,’ he said quietly, slowly turning his head to face me again. ‘I want my Lana.’
I shook my head, my eyes fixed on his. ‘She’s gone.’
‘No, she hasn’t.’
He moved closer, and I could feel my heart beating faster now.
‘She’s still there, somewhere. Underneath all of this, she’s still in there.’
I backed away from him, not wanting him to come any nearer. ‘She’s gone, Adam. That woman you used to love, she’s gone. And when you said you still loved me, you couldn’t mean that, because you don’t know me anymore. You don’t know the person I became. So you can’t love me.’
‘I can learn,’ he whispered, placing his hand on my cheek, but I pushed him away. Eddie’s touch was still too fresh in my mind, the memory of his body inside mine still too raw.
‘Please, Adam, just go home. Leave me alone to live my life…’
‘I’m not leaving Vegas without you, Lana. And you more than anyone should know that when I say something, I mean it.’
He looked so deep into my eyes, I felt as though he was reaching right into my very soul, stepping all over those shards of my shattered heart, making his mark, whether it was welcome or not.
‘You really want me?’ I repeated.
‘Any which way you come, Lana, I want you.’
I laughed, a mild hysteria taking over from the anger and the pain. But I couldn’t forget how my world had changed once more in a matter of hours. Because of this man. Because I’d been too weak to resist him.
I felt his fingers slide between mine, the feel of his skin against me warm and soft.
‘Any which way you come,’ he whispered, his mouth touching mine. ‘Forget him, Lana. Get him out of your system and forget him. He’s gone.’
‘Fuck you!’ I spat, trying to push him away, but he was stronger than me – or was it just that I didn’t really want to resist?
He smiled, and that just made the anger return ten-fold, which gave me the strength I needed to push him away, kicking him back with the full force of my boot. But nothing seemed to deter him, and confusion started to erase the anger. This wasn’t the man I remembered – that safe, conventional man who wanted sex at weekends and considered spontaneity to be something that only got in the way of a well-ordered world. That man would have backed away from this, not welcomed it. That man would have rather walked away than deal with confrontation from me. But now he seemed to be almost encouraging it.
‘Does this get you excited, Lana?’
‘Well, it certainly seems to be doing it for you,’ I drawled, reaching down to touch his obvious hard-on, slowly pulling his belt away from his jeans, my head spinning with something I didn’t even want to get into. It was too tiring to even think about it. This past couple of days had been exhausting, and I just wanted a release now. An outlet to enable me to rid myself of whatever this was. And if Eddie didn’t want me, this man did.
‘You can hate me, Lana,’ Adam whispered, sliding my skirt down over my thighs, ‘All you like, you can hate me. Tell me to go. Scream at me, blame me, tell me it’s all my fault but I’m not leaving this place unless you’re leaving with me.’
I closed my eyes, letting his mouth cover my shoulder in the softest of kisses, moaning quietly until his lips on mine stifled the noise, a kiss so deep and beautiful rising from out of nowhere. When the hell had he learned to kiss like that?
I could feel the heat burning up from inside, and I knew I was crossing lines again, making the same mistake I’d made just two days ago, but I needed this. I wasn’t sure how much I really needed Adam, but I needed this. Sex. Hot, angry, confused sex.
We almost ripped each others’ clothes off, tearing at material like it was nothing but rags, my skin burning up, despite the goose bumps. I needed to see how this was going to play out now. That line – I was well and truly over it.
Throwing my arms up above my head I cried out as he slammed me back against the wall, his fingers tightening their grip on me, his mouth crashing against mine. My skin felt like it was on fire, every nerve ending on red alert, every tingle shooting through me intensifying by the second, causing long, drawn-out moans to spill out of me.
I had no idea what was happening here; no idea how it had happened, apart from the fact I’d barged into his room angry and upset because me and Eddie were over. And that had somehow led to this. To sex. The one thing that shouldn’t be happening. But it was happening. Oh, God, it was happening!
And I didn’t really know who this man was, the man who was touching me in ways he’d never
touched me before. But I craved it, whatever it was. I ached for it.
Letting go of my hands he let his own fall, travelling down my body until they were stroking the curve of my waist, my hips, moving around until they cupped my bottom, lifting me up, my legs instinctively wrapping themselves around him. And I cried out again as he thrust into me almost immediately, once more slamming me back against the wall, but all it did was turn me on more, make me scream louder, grip tighter, my fingernails digging into his shoulders as I buried my face in his hair. It was going to be quick, I could feel it. His movements were speeding up, becoming harder, rougher; he was pushing so far into me I felt him hit his limit. He could go no further. And then he was coming so fast I felt his grip on me become almost painful, his own cries merging with mine, filling the room, loud yet low as all the tension flooded out of him. Out of me. Until the silence took over. All I could hear now was our breathing and the vague sound of Vegas getting on with things outside.
He lowered me down and I looked at him, running my fingers through his hair as I watched him struggle to catch his breath, the exertion almost too much for him; as I waited for the regret to kick in. The realisation that I’d made the same mistake twice.
And then he laughed, and it was infectious, the mood lightening instantly. That regret didn’t seem to be coming, and that confused me slightly. But the intensity returned within seconds, his eyes staring deep into mine and I felt my whole body shiver; a deep, sexy shiver that hit right at the very core of me.
‘We’re not done yet,’ he whispered, parting my lips with his thumb before trailing it down over my neck, along my collarbone. ‘We are so far from done.’
Oh, he was right there. Despite everything else that was going on, all both of us wanted now was this – hot, dirty, different sex. Sex like we’d never had before. All those years we’d been together and we’d never, ever had sex like this. Ever. Was this all we’d really needed? Hard, hot sex? I knew I’d certainly needed it.
Gently pushing him away I backed over to the bed, our eyes locked together as he came closer, reaching out for me. And just the touch of his fingers on my skin made my breath catch, the excitement rising all over again.
‘When did we lose this?’ he whispered, pushing the hair back off my shoulder, leaning in to kiss it so lightly his lips barely touched me.
‘It was never ours to lose, Adam.’
He looked at me, right at me, and I felt the deepest, wildest shiver wrack my body, the heat between us almost unbearable as we fell onto the bed, the kisses rough, the confusion mounting, the need for each other taking over everything that threatened to get in its way.
‘It’s ours now,’ he said quietly, sliding a hand between my legs, his eyes burning into mine as his fingers pushed inside me. ‘And I’m not letting it go.’
I held his stare, his eyes mesmerising, so intense I could barely take it. It was almost as if I was seeing him for the very first time, feeling him for the very first time and that, in itself, was painfully exciting, his fingers thrusting in and out of me only adding to it all. And when he pulled out without bringing me to that climax my body ached for, I couldn’t stop a long, frustrated groan from escaping, only for it be replaced with one of pure pleasure as he moved down, lowering his head, his hands pushing my thighs wider apart as his tongue set to work. I gripped the pillows behind me, my hips bucking as he moved in harder and I closed my eyes, not caring that my moans were growing louder. He was making me crazy, something he’d never done before, not in the latter years of our marriage, anyway. But now – now he was killing it, killing me, just by being here. By doing this. By walking back into my life and, in the space of a few minutes, making me rethink everything. Everything.
I could feel that delicious tingle start to make its presence felt, feel it working its way up my body, and as he pulled away from me the cry of sheer frustration I let out was almost primal. I hadn’t even realised it was me making that sound until I heard it, felt it from deep within – where I needed him to be.
‘I want to know every part of you, Lana,’ he whispered, his mouth close to my ear, and I gasped quietly as I felt him push into me. He knew every part of me – the old me. The new me was still a mystery to him. I wasn’t even sure she was my own best friend just yet. But I was more than willing to introduce this man to her now, let him get to know her better. Let him invade her, use her; make him understand why she’d had to appear. Maybe that was something we both needed to understand.
I opened my eyes as his fingers intertwined with mine up beside my head, an almost electric stare causing sharp flickers of white-hot pain to shoot through me. A beautiful, exciting pain, a constant pain that stood its ground as he pushed my hands back into the pillows, his thrusts growing harder and more frequent and I drew my legs up, pulling them back, forcing him to go deeper, the sound of his groans making me wetter, so wet I had to grip him tight to keep him inside me.
I could taste myself on his lips, which caused another groan to escape, my fingers tightening around his. I didn’t want this to end, didn’t want him to stop doing what he was doing, because when he did, once this was over, that reality I was so scared of now was going to throw itself upon us in such an unwelcome way it would taint everything. And I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Not yet. So I kept my eyes closed, held onto him as tightly as I could and gave in to the moment, letting him flood my body with everything he had and I took it because this man was twenty years of my life and I really had been naïve to think I could just walk away from that the way I had done. Naïve to think I could just forget about it, forget about him. And yet, for almost a year, I’d done exactly that. Until now.
‘I love you, Lana.’ His voice was so low I could barely hear it, his mouth touching mine as he spoke.
I let go of his hand, reaching up to touch his face. I needed to feel that he was real because the sex wasn’t enough, although my body would beg to differ. It was over, but he was still inside me, and I loved that he was. That he wasn’t going anywhere yet. But then I allowed Eddie to enter my head. His dark, rough good looks invading my thoughts, hitting me with a guilt I didn’t need right now. He didn’t want me anymore. I’d walked away from him and he hadn’t tried to make me stay. So the guilt was unnecessary, or at least that’s how I tried to convince myself, and not too successfully at that.
‘Adam… I can’t…’
‘Come home, darling. Please.’
I felt tears start to trickle down my face, and I really hadn’t wanted that to happen. Crying was something Lana Saunders had done enough of in her thirty-nine years on this earth. And I was almost positive she’d vowed never to let that happen again. Had I really got a handle on this new me? Or was I still just playing at it?
‘I’m falling in love with the tattoos and the black-tipped hair,’ he whispered, his mouth on my neck, leaving a trail of tiny kisses in its wake as he moved lower, ‘… with the killer body and the attitude, and the fact you can open those incredible legs of yours wider than you ever could when we were together.’
I couldn’t help laughing now, burying my fingers in his hair as he kissed my breasts, the short, sharp touches of his lips on my skin sending a million shots of something beautiful coursing right through me, his own laugh lightening the mood again.
‘I’m serious, Lana. When I say I’m not leaving Vegas without you, I really do mean that. I want you to come home. I want you to come back to me.’
I drew my legs up around him as I felt him withdraw, but I still wanted to keep him close. I didn’t know what to say. I’d come here with one plan in mind, and now everything had changed.
‘Let’s make tomorrow day zero, Lana. A new beginning. A whole new start.’
He seemed to have jumped a few paragraphs all of a sudden, taking us off the same page, if we’d ever been on it. But I was too tired to get into that right now. I just wanted to sleep. To hold him. To feel him holding me. Tonight I was going to lie in the arms of this man and tomorrow – tomorrow
I had to make a decision. Once and for all.
21
I turned over onto my side, watching him as he slept, those piercing blue eyes of his closed to the world. I wanted to reach out and touch him so badly, but I also didn’t want to wake him just yet. I hadn’t slept much at all. I’d lain awake for most of the night, unable to grab even a few minutes’ worth of sleep as I’d tried to come to some sort of decision, something that made any kind of sense. But there was really only one thing I could do now, and that was go home. Back to England. I couldn’t stay in Vegas indefinitely, and if Eddie and I really were over, then there didn’t seem much point in me being here. It was a place that carried too many memories now – insanely happy ones, and ones that were heartbreaking.
Sliding carefully out of bed, trying not to disturb Adam, I quickly pulled on my clothes and went into the bathroom, looking in the mirror above the double marble basins. Rough didn’t even begin to describe how I looked, and not in a good way. Eddie looked rough in a good way. I just looked like someone who hadn’t slept all night. Just thinking about Eddie again caused my chest to tighten, my heart literally aching for him and what we could have had, my eyes closing as if trying to push him out of my mind.
Quickly composing myself, I took a long, deep breath, splashing my face with cold water and running my fingers through my hair as I looked in the mirror again. Better. Slightly.
‘Going somewhere?’
I spun around to see him standing there, leaning against the doorpost, dressed only in jeans that hung loosely on his hips, his arms folded against his toned chest. And how come he looked sexy-as-hell, all ruffled and just woken up? Jesus! Men got away with so much more than women did.
‘I need to go collect the rest of my things, from Eddie’s.’
He walked over to me, pushing me back against the basins, taking me by surprise with a kiss so soft I could’ve curled up in his arms and not moved all day. And as much as that sounded like a pretty nice idea, there were things I had to do. Things I had to sort out.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 17
