He raised his gaze, his folded arms feeling almost like a defence mechanism now. ‘When I said I’d done everything I needed to do, that wasn’t entirely true. There’s still something I need to finish. Still something that has to be done and I need to do that before I even think about getting on that plane back to LA. You and me, Lana – I need to see if there’s still something there.’
30
‘Oh Jesus…’ I pushed a hand through my hair, sinking to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest.
He sat down beside me, mirroring my stance. ‘Unlike you, sweetheart, I still believe fate plays a big part in our lives, and now I’m back in the UK, I couldn’t leave here without trying to find you. Without talking to you. Without trying one more time to make sure you’re doing what you really want to do with your life.’
‘I’m fine, Eddie. Everything is fine.’
‘Fine is such a beige word, Lana. It doesn’t scream that you’re happy, that life is exciting…’
I looked at him. ‘Life can’t always be one long round of excitement, Eddie. Sometimes reality gets in the way.’
He stared at me. Right at me. And for a few seconds he said nothing, just fixed me with a look that made my stomach sink in a way I couldn’t explain. ‘Who’s talking now, darlin’? Because that sure as hell sounds like the old Lana to me.’
I turned away, staring out at the crowds of people, feeling the sunshine burning down on my bare shoulders.
‘You know life can be exciting, Lana. You know that. You’ve lived it.’
‘For a few weeks. But it was never gonna be forever. That kind of life can’t be forever.’
‘Can’t it?’
I looked at him again. I didn’t know what to say now. This was making my head spin in a way I didn’t welcome.
‘Let’s go for a ride,’ he said, those dark eyes of his boring into mine. ‘I’ve got a mate’s Harley I’m using for the weekend. We can get out of here for an hour or two. Give me a chance to remind you how exciting life can be.’
‘Eddie, I… I don’t know…’
He pulled himself to his feet, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘It’s up to you, Lana.’
I stood up too, looking around to see if I could find Finn. ‘I need to… I need to think, Eddie. I don’t… I don’t know…’
‘I’ll be over there, for the next ten minutes or so. You want to come with me, you know what to do. And if you don’t… well, you take care of yourself, kid, you hear?’
I watched him walk away, blinking a few times to make sure it really was him. That that had really happened. Because a huge part of me wished it hadn’t.
‘Was that…?’
I turned to see Finn back beside me. ‘Yeah. That’s him.’
‘What the hell’s he doing over here? I thought he was in LA now?’
‘He is. He’s over for a funeral. He’s going back to the States in a couple of days.’
Finn frowned. ‘So, this is all pure coincidence, is it?’
I slowly shook my head. ‘No. Not really. One of his friends knows Bobby, and he told him we’d be here this weekend, so, Eddie he… he came here to find me.’
Finn let out a low whistle. ‘He’s persistent, I’ll give him that much.’
‘Don’t make light of this, Finn. Please.’
‘I’m not, believe me.’ He eyes scanned my face for some sort of reaction. ‘So, how do you feel about seeing him again?’
‘I’d rather he hadn’t turned up.’
‘You tell him that?’
‘I tried to.’
‘Tried to?’
‘He wants me to go for a ride with him. Now. Just for an hour or so.’
‘You’re not going, are you?’
I didn’t reply immediately, and that, in itself, scared me. ‘No. I’m not going.’
‘Tell you what,’ Finn said. ‘Hang on a sec… Bobby! Here, mate, take this will you?’ He handed his beer over to Bobby before picking up his helmet, handing another one to me. ‘We’ll go for a ride. Okay? You want your head clearing, let me clear it for you. How does that sound?’
I smiled, taking the helmet from him and eyeing his bike. ‘Well, it’s no Harley, but…’
‘Just climb on, will you? And don’t start getting all picky over your bikes because you want to ride a Harley around this neck of the woods, and you’re riding pillion with Bobby. You got that?’
I was still smiling as I straddled his Ducati. ‘No, you’re alright. I’ll make do with this.’
‘You’re such a biker bitch sometimes,’ Finn sighed, winking at me before he slammed his visor shut and climbed on in front of me. ‘Hold on tight, beautiful. We’re outta here.’
‘Do you really have to stay the night there, Lana?’
I leant back against the wall and closed my eyes as the last of the evening sun got ready to set on a festival site that was already enjoying a night of music and partying, biker style, which was exactly what I needed; to lose myself in something other than reality. ‘It’s one weekend, Adam.’
‘Until the next one.’
‘For Christ’s sake…’ I sighed, opening my eyes and looking around me. This was where I wanted to be right now. Here, in this place, with Finn and Bobby and all our friends, listening to loud, thumping rock music and drinking beer and whisky until the sun came back up. ‘Don’t make me…’ I stopped, aware that I was actually thinking out loud now. What I’d been going to say, it wasn’t really meant to be said.
‘Don’t make you what, Lana?’
‘You knew the score, Adam. When we got back together, you knew how it was gonna be.’
‘And we also talked compromise, Lana. Remember?’
I wasn’t in the mood for this. ‘You want me to come home, is that it?’
‘No,’ he sighed. ‘No, that’s not what I want. Well, yes, I’d love you to come home, I miss you…’
‘One night, Adam.’
‘You’re there with all those other men, Lana.’
‘And all those other men have partners, women who are my friends, Adam. All of them. It isn’t just me and a huge group of guys… Jesus…’
‘I’m finding this hard to deal with, okay? It isn’t my world, I’m not used to any of it. I don’t know how it’s supposed to work.’
‘I know, and I’m sorry, baby.’ It was my turn to let out a huge and heavy sigh. I couldn’t help it. This conversation was draining me. I understood exactly where he was coming from, and I knew that what I was doing.Of course it was hard for him to get his head around. But I wasn’t giving this up. Not for him. Not for anyone. I loved him, no doubt about that. I loved him so much. But I loved my life, too – the bits I shared with him, and the bits I didn’t. ‘I love you, Adam. You do know that, don’t you?’
‘Yes. I know that. And I love you, too. I just miss you, that’s all. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss that incredible body of yours lying next to mine, even if it is only for one night. I’ve spent long enough without you. I was just getting used to you being around again.’
I couldn’t help smiling now. ‘Yeah. I miss you too, handsome.’
‘Lana, we… we are going to be okay, aren’t we?’
I paused for a couple of beats before I replied. Why had I done that? I hadn’t really meant to. Maybe it was just the fact that my usually confident ex-husband had suddenly sounded just a touch needy there. And I wasn’t used to that. ‘Yeah. Yeah, we’re gonna be better than okay, baby. You just keep on looking for wedding destinations, alright? Far away from here, remember? I want it to be just the two of us this time around. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I hung up and slid the phone into my pocket, wandering back over to everyone.
‘You hungry?’ Finn asked. ‘Bobby and Phil are heading over to the burger van if you fancy one.’
I shook my head, sitting down next to him.
‘Everything okay?’
‘Yeah, everything’s fine,’ I sighed, pushing a hand through my hair. ‘Adam’s just…
I don’t know. There are hints of things happening that I stupidly thought wouldn’t happen… Forget it. I’m not making any sense. Maybe I should eat something. It might kick-start my brain into thinking straight.’
Finn smiled, giving my hand a quick squeeze before yelling over at Bobby to get two more burgers. Then he turned his attention back to me. ‘He’s still not happy about you being here, huh?’
I shrugged, letting go of Finn’s hand to fiddle with the leather bands on my wrist. ‘I don’t know how he feels, really. I mean… Am I being selfish here, Finn? Expecting him to just accept the way I am now? For him to just slot in between everything else I want to do? Because that isn’t how I meant it to be. I want him in my life, I really do, it’s just that…’ I looked back down at those bands on my wrist. ‘It’s just that, I can’t let go of all this, either. Because this is where I’m happy.’
‘You don’t look very happy right now, kiddo.’
I looked at him. He shrugged.
‘Just an observation, sis.’
I picked up his beer and took a long swig. ‘I’m happy. Really.’
‘Okay,’ Finn sighed, taking back his beer. ‘Whatever you say.’
‘Anyway, forget all that. What about you?’
‘What about me?’
‘I thought you were setting up a date with Kelly, from Mikey’s Bar?’
‘I am. But that’s not until next Wednesday, and you’re extremely good at changing the subject, do you know that?’
‘Just another talent of mine.’ I smiled, freeing him of his beer again, taking another sip. But as I settled down next to my brother for some food and time with friends I’d grown to adore over the past year, the relaxing, stress-free night I’d planned to have suddenly came crashing down around me. Because he was still here. I could see him, leaning against the bar, drinking beer and laughing at something the guy beside him was saying. Eddie Fletcher just wasn’t going to go away. Should I be reading something into that? Or should I just be passing it off as nothing more than an uneasy coincidence?
I felt Finn’s hand on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes as he gently rubbed it. ‘Just tell him, Lana. Tell him nothing’s going to happen.’
‘He’s only having a drink, Finn.’
‘Tell him, Lana. Say the words out loud, and believe them. Mean them.’ He looked right into my eyes, taking my hand again and squeezing it tightly. ‘Do you understand what I’m saying? If you don’t believe them, if you don’t mean them…’
‘I understand.’ I smiled, leaning over to kiss him quickly, taking one more swig of beer. ‘I won’t be long.’
‘And get yourself one of these while you’re over there, alright?’ He returned my smile as he retrieved what was left of his beer. ‘Stop you from thieving mine.’
I threw him another smile before I turned around and walked slowly over to Eddie, my hands in my pockets, my head down slightly as I got ready to face him again. I knew what I had to do, what my heart was telling me to do; what I needed to do. But until those words actually came out of my mouth I had no idea whether I was going to believe them or not; whether I was going to mean them. And that kind of scared me.
‘Hey,’ I said, keeping my hands in my pockets, looking up as I approached him.
‘Hey.’ He smiled that wonderful smile I’d loved so much back in Vegas. ‘Just a second, darlin’.’ He said something to the man he was talking to, waiting until he was gone before he turned back to me. ‘So, you didn’t feel much like riding this afternoon.’ It was more of a statement than a question.
‘Finn and me, we went out for a couple of hours.’
‘You blew me off for your brother and a Ducati, huh? What happened to my Harley-loving biker babe?’
I smiled, leaning back against the bar. ‘She fancied something harder and faster.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Did she get what she was looking for?’
I looked away, shifting my gaze to the dusty ground beneath us, the day’s sun having almost scorched it bone dry. ‘Look, Eddie…’ I let my eyes meet his again, and the undeniable attraction I didn’t want to acknowledge – it was still there. He was still everything I’d ever dreamed of, all rough and hot and living his life the way I’d wanted to live mine. Until Adam had turned up. ‘I know that it might look like I’m going back on some of those things I claimed I wanted but… Adam … I can’t let him go. I know that sounds weak, and I hate feeling the way I do, butI just can’t. I can’t let him go.’
‘And what about letting go of your dreams, Lana? What about all those things we talked about? What about that road trip we were gonna take? All the plans we had?’
‘They’re still in here,’ I said quietly, gently tapping the side of my forehead. ‘They’ll never go away.’
‘But is anything ever gonna come of them, darlin’? This man of yours, you love him, right?’
I nodded, my eyes refusing to leave his. Even though looking away might have made things easier.
‘And, does he love you enough to let you live out your dreams?’
‘I’m already living them, Eddie.’
‘Some of them, Lana. You’re living some of them. Ones you’d already started living before he came back into your life. I’m talking about the dreams you’re still reaching for. The dreams you’ve yet to fulfil. Does he love you enough to allow you to chase those, even if they don’t fit with his?’
I finally broke the stare, looking back down at the ground. ‘I love him. And loving someone, being with someone, it means you just might have to compromise in order to make it work.’
‘Really?’
I looked back at him, but I didn’t know what to say. The words had suddenly got stuck in my throat.
‘What if the person you loved – what if they shared your dreams, Lana? There wouldn’t have to be any compromise then, would there, darlin’.’
I looked up at the darkening sky, closing my eyes for just the briefest of seconds. ‘I love him, Eddie.’
‘And you’re willing to give up everything for him, are you? You shouldn’t let anyone stand in the way of your dreams, Lana, I told you that, remember? Don’t let anyone do that.’
‘I love him,’ I repeated. And I really just wanted him to stop talking now. I didn’t want to hear any more. Because he was hitting a nerve? Making me think about things I didn’t want to think about?
Eddie’s eyes bored deep into mine, holding my gaze, daring me to look away this time. ‘Then I really do hope he loves you back, enough to let you live that life you want to live, Lana. Because you only get one of those, remember.’ And then he just turned and walked away, leaving me slightly confused and frustrated, because I hadn’t even said what I needed to say – that nothing was going to happen; that he and I, we really were done. Or maybe I had said that. Just not in the way I’d intended. But that didn’t seem to matter. That whole conversation felt unfinished to me.
‘Everything okay?’ Finn asked, joining me at the bar.
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, my eyes still following Eddie as he pushed through the crowd. ‘No. I’ve got to finish this…’ I started to follow Eddie’s rapidlyretreating figure.
‘Lana…?’
‘I won’t be long!’ I shouted back at Finn, not knowing how long I was going to be, in reality. I didn’t even know what I was going to do once I caught up with Eddie. I just knew that this felt unfinished. Loose ends were still hanging there, and even though a part of me was angry at him for coming back here and re-opening this whole scenario, another part of me – that cynical part that still held fate very much at arm’s length – that part of me wouldn’t lie down and forget. So I had to finish this. Whatever it was.
‘Eddie!’
He stopped, waiting a few seconds before he turned to face me, standing completely still until I was right there in front of him. Before I could even take another breath he’d pulled me against him, his mouth bearing down on mine in a kiss so hard and so deep I wasn’t sure that breath would ever come
. My arms fell around him as though they were being worked by someone else completely, my body pressing against his, his hand in the small of my back keeping me there. It was a kiss that seemed to go on forever, bringing with it memories that were playing out like a movie reel inside my head – the memories we’d created together; those early-morning rides, having sex on his Harley as the sun came up, eating breakfast in the roadside diner and knowing we still had the best day ahead of us.
Pulling away only to turn me around, he pushed me back against the wall, and I kept my eyes closed as his mouth moved down to my neck, lightly brushing over the base of my throat, his hands sliding up and under my t-shirt, the feel of his fingers on my skin making me flinch slightly. But that was also an action that jolted me back to reality and I took hold of his hands, pulling them away from my waist. ‘No, Eddie.’
‘There are no compromises, Lana, if someone you love shares your dreams.’
I shook my head, a feeling of sadness washing over me so suddenly it almost took my breath away. ‘Life isn’t that perfect.’
He raised an eyebrow, leaning in to kiss me more gently this time. A kiss that broke my heart, for reasons I couldn’t really work out. I just felt a pain cut across my chest that was all-too real. ‘Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was,’ I whispered, letting go of him and walking away.
‘Maybe you just won’t let yourself be that strong.’
I turned back around. ‘I don’t want to need him, Eddie.’
‘You don’t need anyone, Lana. You know that.’
I smiled a small smile, not really knowing what had happened here. I just knew that those loose ends, they felt a little more secure now, if not yet completely tied. ‘Maybe not,’ I whispered.
He walked over to me, gently tilting my chin up and kissing me so lightly it drew the tiniest gasp out of me. Yeah. He still had the ability to make me gasp. ‘You look after yourself, darlin’, you hear me?’
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 25
