The only reason that Rafe was in her bed was because she loved him. Maybe deep down Lilly had known that all along. But she’d wanted to pretend that her heart hadn’t been involved. Now she’d slowly and surely come to the realization that she couldn’t pretend anymore.
“That’s true,” she said. “I do like you and want you. But something has happened to me and—”
She broke off and as she searched for the right words to say, his gaze delved deeper into hers.
“You’ve met someone else. Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
She’d not expected him to be thinking along those terms and his question totally threw her off balance.
“No! That’s not what I meant.” Groaning with frustration, she rolled away from him and sat up on the edge of the bed. As she reached for her robe draped over the footboard, she said, “All right, I’m just going to come out and say it. I don’t think—I can’t go on like this.”
“What do you mean by—this?”
He sounded annoyed, but Lilly had expected that.
Pulling on her robe, she looked over her shoulder at him. “Rafe, I understand that we made a deal. Nothing serious. No strings. And I truly believed that’s what I wanted. But I never expected this thing between us to go this long or get this involved.”
Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he reached for his shorts and jeans. “So what are you wanting, Lilly? To end it? Not more than an hour ago we were talking about taking a ride in the mountains. I don’t know where all of this is coming from or why.”
Walking around the end of the bed, she went to stand in front of him. “I don’t want it to end, Rafe. But I’ve figured out that I’m more old-fashioned than I thought. Just having an affair is not what I want for myself. And I understand that you don’t want anything more serious than that. So that doesn’t leave us with much of a future, does it?”
He stood up and after zipping and buttoning his jeans, he looked at her. Lilly couldn’t help but notice that his jaw was tight, his lips pressed to a thin line. But then she’d hardly expected smiles or even a look of understanding from the man.
“Tonight, tomorrow, that’s our future, Lilly. Not weeks or months from now. Hell, we don’t even know if we’ll be alive in another year.”
Amazed by his cynical outlook, she folded her arms over her breasts and stared at him. “You don’t have to remind me how fragile life is, Rafe. In my line of work I see death all too often. But I’m not letting it dictate my thoughts or plans.”
He collected his shirt from the floor and jammed his arms into the sleeves. “I’m not dwelling on death, Lilly,” he said in a tired voice. “Nor do I need a therapist to unravel my hang-ups. I just need for you to keep your end of our bargain. Nothing serious. No strings. Only the pleasure of each other’s company. Remember?”
Her face was suddenly burning with anger and humiliation. She’d been wrong, she thought, so wrong to give herself to a man who wanted nothing more from her than her body. Why hadn’t she realized that from the very beginning?
Because you thought you could keep your heart all wrapped up in a safe little cocoon. You believed that being with Rafe was simply going to bring some pleasure into your life. Not love.
Flustered by her thoughts, she muttered flatly, “I shouldn’t have ever said that. I made a mistake in thinking I could just hang around and be your woman until you grew tired of me.”
Snapping the front of his shirt together, he closed the short space between them. “Lilly, I’ve never misled you at any time about my intentions, have I?”
His words were like fist blows to her chest, making it difficult to breathe past the pain. “No. You made it quite clear you’re not a marrying man. Yet these past few weeks you’ve wanted to get all the benefits of a husband without making a commitment.”
Even in the dim lighting of the bedroom she could see his face turn pale. “You seemed to be enjoying it,” he said accusingly.
Lilly lifted her chin. “I still enjoy being with you, Rafe,” she said softly. “But I’d like to know that I’m more than just a pastime for you. That you’d like to have me around not just for sex for a few weeks or months, but for a lifetime of love, as well.”
He raked a hand through his hair then shook his head. “Apparently, you’ve changed, Lilly. But don’t expect me to change with you. Don’t try to turn me into something other than what I am. I’m not a family man. I never will be.”
Turning her back to him, she squeezed her eyes shut and willed the pain in her chest to go away. Thank God she’d not told him exactly how much she loved him. At least she could save herself a little pride.
“That’s your choice, Rafe. Just like it’s my choice to want something else out of life.” Turning back to him, she let out a long, soulful breath. “For a long time after Grant dumped me, I could hardly stand to look at a man—any man. And for all these years since, I believed that my chance to have a husband and children was over. Like a fool, I thought that everything had ended because of him. But being with you has opened my eyes, Rafe. It’s made me realize how much time I’ve wasted and all the things I truly want for myself.”
Turning away from her, he grabbed up his boots. As he jerked them on, he asked sarcastically, “And what if I say I’ll marry you, Lilly? Would you believe I was sincere? Would you trust me to put all other women aside? Considering my reputation, I somehow doubt it.”
She felt sick. The deep-down kind of sick that no medication would help. “I’ve never thought you were a dishonest person, Rafe. You wouldn’t be here in my bedroom if I believed anything less. And if you were man enough to make a commitment to me, then yes, I would believe you meant it.”
Straightening to his full height, he looked at her and for one brief moment there was a torn look in his eyes, but just as quickly it was replaced with fierce independence. “I thought you were going to be different, Lilly. I believed you would respect my views and wishes. Now you want to hog-tie me—”
“No, Rafe,” she interrupted. “I have no intentions of tying you any which way. I—”
Before she could get another word out, he took her by the shoulders and pulled her into his arms.
“Oh, Lilly, why are you doing this to us?” he asked, his soft voice filled with anguish. “Things were going along so good. Why can’t we keep things just as they are?”
Tears clawed at her eyes and she desperately blinked them away. “Rafe, you just made it very clear that you don’t want anything permanent with me. I went through that once. I—”
His fingers tightened on her shoulders. “I’m not that intern. I’m not lying to you—feeding you a line about marriage just to keep you in my bed. Why—”
She was going to have to tear herself open, she thought dismally, and let him see everything. Otherwise, he might never understand how she felt about herself or him and the future.
Pulling away from him, she walked around to the end of the bed and braced her hands on the footboard. “That’s not the only thing I went through with Grant. His deceit was the easiest part to get over. The rest I—”
“Go on,” he prompted. “What about the rest?”
She took a deep breath and though it would have been easier to look away from him, she didn’t. She wanted him to see the pain in her eyes. Then maybe, just maybe, his heart might begin to see.
“I got pregnant with Grant’s child. When I told him about the baby he was furious and demanded that I get an abortion. As an intern just starting his career, he couldn’t afford to pay child support to an unwanted child. Not to mention that when the rumor of my pregnancy got around it would put a cramp in his philandering. I refused to end the pregnancy, but that was hardly the reason Grant hightailed it out of my life. He’d never had any intentions of sticking around for very long.”
His features were stark and unmo
ving as his gaze swept over her face. “So what happened?”
Unwittingly, her fingers clenched the wooden footboard. “I was heading into my fourth month when I suffered a miscarriage.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw and she wondered what he was thinking. Disgust? Empathy? Or dear God, perhaps he was indifferent to the loss she’d endured.
“Oh.”
She released a pent-up breath. “That was during the time I became friends with your mother. She’s the only person who ever knew about the baby. If I hadn’t had her support I think I would have crumbled emotionally.”
She could see his throat working as he swallowed and the reaction told her that, at least, he was affected by something she’d said. Most likely the mention of his mother, she thought sadly.
“What about your own parents—your mother? You didn’t let them know what you were going through?”
Shaking her head, she walked back to where he continued to stand by the side of the bed. “Against my father’s wishes, I left home when I was eighteen. You see, the environment in my parents’ home wasn’t really family at all. It was constant hell. I wanted out of it, so I left, went to work and took care of myself. My mom never was the nurturing, mothering sort. And my dad—well, he’d suffered enough disappointment and heartache without learning that his daughter had made a huge fool of herself. I was determined to handle my own problems by myself.”
“So my mom—what sort of advice did she give you?”
“Mostly that I was strong and young and healthy and that someday I’d find a wonderful man who would love me and want me to have his children. I have to hold on to her guidance, Rafe. Even if you can’t be that man.”
Lifting his face toward the ceiling, he groaned. “So you’ve broken your promise about not getting serious. You’ve changed your mind about wanting a husband and children. And I’m not supposed to feel used or angry,” he said tightly. “Well, I realize that you have the right to change your mind, but right now I’m feeling like a damned idiot for trusting you to keep your part of our bargain.”
Anger spurted through her. “Well, excuse me for being a woman, Mr. Calhoun!”
His head jerked around and this time his eyes were boring into hers. “Damn it, Lilly, you’re trying to steamroll me into being something other than what I am. I don’t allow my men to bulldoze me and the same goes for women. Including you!”
Stunned by his callousness, Lilly pointed to the door. “If that’s all you have to say to me, then get the hell out! And don’t come back!”
“Gladly.”
Lilly watched him stalk out of the room, then moments later the front door slammed shut. The finality of the sound shook her from the spot where she’d been standing and she walked out to the kitchen where the leftovers from their dinner still sat on the table.
Rafe had escaped helping her clean the kitchen, she thought grimly. But she’d escaped much more. Like letting herself hold on to any sort of hope that Rafe could ever love her.
* * *
For the next two weeks, the June weather turned dry and extremely hot, scorching every blade of grass on the lower ranges of the Silver Horn. To save on hay cost, Rafe and the men had been driving several of the herds to higher mountain slopes, where the cooler temperatures had kept most of the grass from burning.
When he and the crew finally rode into the ranch yard, after spending twelve hours in the saddle, horses and men were both dragging and Rafe was hardly in the mood for whining.
When Denver approached him in the saddling paddock, he did his best to listen patiently to his request to allow three of the men to take the next day off. But once the ramrod finished speaking, Rafe practically shouted, “I’d sure as hell like a day off, too, Denver. But we still have at least a thousand head of cattle to move yet. The weather is forecast to get even hotter in the next three days. The cattle can’t wait around while the men take a vacation!”
“None of them is asking for a vacation, Rafe. Each of them has personal issues to deal with. Surely you can understand that.”
“I said no! If they don’t want to show up for work then they can take their wrangling to another ranch. And if you don’t want to tell them that, then I sure as hell can!”
Rafe lifted the heavy saddle off Roscoe’s back and heaved it onto the top rail of the fence. Behind him, the tall, dark ramrod shook his head.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Rafe, but I’m telling you now, you’d better get your act together or you’re not going to have any men to give orders to.”
Rafe whirled around to remind the ramrod he’d soon be out of a paycheck if he kept on, but Denver was already striding away to the opposite side of the small paddock.
Hellfire! What was the matter with his men? They’d worked long, hot days before. They had enough sense to know this wasn’t the time to be asking for days off.
You need to be asking what’s wrong with yourself, Rafe. You ought to be remembering that your men have feelings, too. They want to be treated with the same respect that you expect.
The voice going off in Rafe’s head was his own conscience and it had him grunting cynically and turning back to Roscoe. As he lifted the wet blankets and pad from the horse’s back, Lilly’s image swam in front of him. For a moment he stared off in space and let himself remember the incredible pleasure of kissing her, touching every part of her, making love to her.
Making love. Was that what he’d been doing all those nights with Lilly? After these past two weeks without her, he’d been doing plenty of thinking. He could now admit that his connection to her had been much more than sexual gratification. But love? What did he know about that fleeting emotion? Next to nothing.
Down through the years, Rafe had never given himself the chance or the time with any woman to feel more than momentary pleasure. And he’d not expected anything to be different with Lilly. But something had happened to him from the first moment he’d laid eyes on her. The more time he’d spent with her, the more he’d wanted to be with her. Now he was lost and miserable.
That fact had been more than apparent to him yesterday when he’d walked into a diner in Carson City and spotted an old girlfriend sitting at the back of the room. Any other time he would’ve made a beeline to her table and charmed her into a date. Instead, he’d deliberately ignored her, even when she’d waved for him to join her. He’d not wanted to even talk to her, much less go out with her. He didn’t want any woman but Lilly.
But the way he saw it, there was nothing he could do about changing the situation. Lilly had made her choice. She wanted a ring on her finger, a baby in her arms and a husband to grow old with. Well, that wasn’t him. No. He wasn’t about to be roped into all that responsibility and the restrictions it would put on his life. Even more, he wasn’t going to invest his heart and soul into someone and then have them ripped away for one reason or another.
From this point on he was going to forget about women. Period. His work was his life and that was the way he was going to keep it.
Shaking his head in an effort to rid himself of the miserable thought, he stroked Roscoe’s neck. “Come on, boy. Let’s go to the barn and I’ll brush you down and get your supper.”
The long white barn where Rafe kept Roscoe stalled was a good fifty yards away, and as the horse plodded tiredly behind him, he glanced up, his gaze taking him far beyond the busy ranch yard to the mountains in the distance.
He’d planned to take Lilly riding to that beautiful spot near Eagle’s Ridge but that would never happen now, he thought soberly. His time with her had ended and he needed to forget her. Trouble was, he hadn’t figured out how to do that yet.
* * *
The next morning Lilly was walking slowly next to Bart as the two of them carefully made their way across the upper-floor balcony. Using only her arm as a balancing tool, Bart was taking long
er, more confident steps than he’d ever managed before and Lilly couldn’t have been more proud of his progress.
“At this rate, Bart, you’re going to be dancing soon,” she told him.
He let out a hearty chuckle. “That would be the day! I haven’t danced in years. Not since Gilda and I were young.”
“Then you ought to try it,” Lilly suggested. “It would be good for your leg and your spirits.”
“Well, now, if you’d go with me, Lilly, I just might try it. A steak dinner and dancing with a beautiful blonde afterwards. I could handle that.”
“I could handle it, too,” she agreed with a little laugh. “But the gossips would sure have a field day about us.”
“Bah! People have always talked about me. Might as well give them something to really work their jaws,” he said.
By now they were getting close to the open door of Bart’s study, and Lilly purposely tugged him to a stop. “I think we’ve made enough rounds this morning. Think you can make it back to your chair on your own? I’m going down to the kitchen to see if Greta will fix us some coffee.”
“I’m on my way,” he assured her. “And while you’re at it, see if the old woman has any of those cinnamon rolls left.”
“Think you deserve one?” Lilly asked impishly.
He winked at her. “I think we both deserve one.”
“I’ll ask,” Lilly promised, then hurried across the landing toward the staircase.
The moment she put her hand on the balustrade and took one step downward, she sensed someone’s presence and glanced up to see Rafe standing halfway up the staircase. Like the morning she first laid eyes on him, he was dressed all in cowboy rig with his scarred chaps riding low on his hips and his black hat slanted rakishly over one eye. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled back against his forearms and the sight of the corded muscles was an instant reminder of how it felt to be encircled and cradled by all that strength.
“Hello, Rafe,” she said, her voice low and thick. “What are you doing here?”
One Tall, Dusty Cowboy Page 15
