The Back of Beyond

by Doris Davidson

  ‘Before I tell you anything, Ally,’ came the loud metallic voice – unnaturally loud with the possible intention of letting her hear, too? – ‘I hope you’re a lot better than when I left you. Gwen’s letters say you’re coming on nicely, but I want to hear it from you, and I want the truth, mind.’

  ‘The truth is I’m fine, so you’d better hit me with whatever it is you’re hedging about, for I know it’s nothing good.’

  ‘Depends how you look at it, Ally boy. I don’t know if Gwen told you, but I made up my mind to emigrate to America …’

  ‘No, she didn’t tell me.’ Alistair’s voice was clipped, Gwen noticed, his face closed.

  ‘Well, I filled in all the forms, and everything’s cut and dried. We’re ready to leave now for Southampton and we sail tomorrow.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Oh God, did she not tell you that, either?’

  ‘She thinks she’s shielding me from getting hurt.’ Alistair sounded bitter, now. ‘So … who’s we?’

  ‘Peg and me, of course. We didn’t know if I could marry my sister-in-law in this country, and we didn’t have time to make enquiries, so she changed her name to mine by deed poll, and we’re travelling as man and wife. If it’s possible, we’ll make it legal when we get to the other side. If not … well … it won’t matter.’

  Alistair glanced at Gwen, who gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. ‘What about …?’ he whispered to her, his hand over the mouthpiece.

  ‘It’s all right,’ she whispered back. ‘Just listen to what he’s got to say.’

  ‘If you’re wondering about Nicky,’ Dougal continued, ‘we’re taking him with us. He is our son, after all.’

  Seeing the haunted look in her husband’s eyes, Gwen took the instrument from him. ‘Thanks for telling him yourself, Dougal, but I think he needs time to digest it. He’s still not quite … you know. Bon voyage, dear.’

  ‘Thanks, Gwen, but somebody else wants a word.’

  ‘Hi, Gwennie, it’s your baby sister. How are you coping?’

  ‘Better for hearing you. Oh, Peg, America’s such a long way off.’

  ‘We’ll keep in touch.’

  The sound of a slight scuffle came across the wire now, then a treble voice piped, ‘It’s me, Auntie Gwen. Isn’t it exciting? Dad says we’ll be going on a great big boat all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, and I’ve to make up my mind not to be seasick.’

  ‘That’s good,’ she breathed, her raw emotion scarcely letting her speak. ‘You won’t forget me when you’re over there, will you?’

  ‘Of course I won’t. I’ll write as often as I can, but I ’spect I’ll be awful busy for a good while.’

  ‘I ’spect you will,’ she managed to laugh. ‘Never mind, drop me a note any time you can manage it.’

  ‘Can I say goodbye to Uncle Alistair, please?’

  She turned round. ‘Nicky wants to say goodbye.’ She didn’t know what to expect, a tantrum perhaps, or hurling the telephone across the room, but she didn’t flinch, and after a very slight hesitation he took the instrument from her. She could still hear both sides, the boy’s voice coming across loud and clear.

  ‘Is that you, Uncle Alistair?’

  ‘It’s me, Nicky. You’re ready to go, then?’

  ‘Our luggage is all sitting ready for the cab to take with us to the station, and I can hardly wait, but I couldn’t go without saying goodbye to Auntie Gwen and you.’

  Alistair’s eyes searched his wife’s now. ‘I haven’t known you very well, Nicky, but I know she’s going to miss you. I hope you have a good journey; I bet you’re looking forward to it, aren’t you?’

  ‘Not half! I didn’t sleep last night for thinking about it. I’ll have to say cheerio now, though. Mum wants to speak to you, too.’

  ‘Goodbye … Nicky.’

  ‘Hi, Alistair. This is it, then.’

  ‘Yes, this is it. Um … Peg, you’ll take good care of the boy, won’t you?’

  ‘You don’t need to ask. He’s in good hands.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Sorry for …’

  ‘It’s all right, I understand. Look after yourself, Alistair, and we’ll write and keep you up to date with … everything.’

  ‘Thanks, Peg, and … safe crossing.’

  ‘Bye, Alistair.’

  He laid the receiver back in its cradle. ‘Gwen, would you mind if I went out for a wee while? I need space.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re fit to be out by yourself? Would it be better if I went out instead? I could bike to the village and get another magazine for you. It would give me a chance to see the new man.’

  ‘Well … if you don’t mind?’

  She was on her way in minutes, glad of the fresh air and the light wind fanning her cheeks. She did feel a bit anxious about leaving him alone, but she could understand his need to think. In addition to Lexie’s marriage, he now had to cope with the thought of his wife’s illegitimate son being whisked across the Atlantic out of her reach. What would he make of it all?

  Lexie Fraser, of course, was not in the shop. She had spent a week with the new owner to help him get to know the customers, but she had stopped working on Saturday. So that was that, Gwen thought. She’d have liked to tender good wishes for the future, but maybe it was just as well she wouldn’t have the chance, feeling as she did about Alistair’s relationship with her. After exchanging a few remarks with Mr Munro about the way prices were going up, she paid for the Titbits she had bought for Alistair and the other items she had purchased and went outside. As luck would have it, she was still putting her groceries into the basket of her cycle when a bus stopped beside her and Lexie Fraser stepped off.

  ‘Thank goodness I’ve seen you, Gwen,’ she smiled. ‘I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, but I didn’t want to come to Benview in case it upset Alistair. Come on round and have a cup of tea. You’ll have to excuse the mess. I’m still packing.’

  Feeling trapped, Gwen followed her. ‘I thought you’d moved out already.’

  ‘No, the removal van’s coming on Friday to take my things to Edinburgh. Roddy put in for a transfer. He thought it would be best for me to be away from … Forvit, and the house he’s bought isn’t far from where Nancy Lawrie lives. I told him not to go to the expense of buying furniture. What’s here is in reasonable condition, because I replaced my mother’s stuff bit by bit over the years.’

  Lexie unlocked the house door and ushered Gwen inside. ‘Sit down if you can find a decent place to park yourself, and I’ll put on the kettle. How’s Alistair keeping?’

  Shifting a large carton on to the floor, Gwen sat down in one of the easy chairs. ‘He’s coming on nicely, still a bit unstable, you know, but not too bad, considering.’

  ‘How are you keeping yourself, though? You’ve been going at things like a beaver ever since you came home.’

  ‘I have to keep busy, otherwise I’d …’ Gwen stopped with a little sigh. ‘I don’t mind doing everything for him, if only he wouldn’t …’ She halted again, then continued with a smile. ‘No, you don’t want to hear me moaning.’

  Sitting down at the opposite side of the fire, Lexie stretched out her legs. ‘If you want to moan, Gwen, carry on. It’s time I thought of somebody else for a change.’

  ‘It’s all right. I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I get so tired at times I feel a bit resentful, if you understand.’

  ‘I should think you would. How long’s that now? Nearly six months, isn’t it?’

  ‘It won’t be for much longer, he’s well on the way to recovery. The doctors were very pleased with him when he had his last checkup.’

  ‘I’m glad. You know, when I saw him that first time … I thought he’d had it.’

  ‘I’ll always be grateful for what you did at that time, Lexie. I don’t know how Leila and David would have coped without you.’

  ‘I was glad to be able to help.’ Lexie got to her feet again as the kettle lid began to dance. ‘They’re nice kids, and I’ve a
lways thought a lot of them.’

  ‘And Alistair?’ It was out before Gwen could stop it.

  ‘Yes, Gwen, and Alistair,’ Lexie murmured, filling the teapot. ‘I loved him once, or thought I did. After what had happened to me, I needed him, though I didn’t realize why, and then my mother died, and I clung to him in my mind. It was like an obsession, and it wasn’t till I met Roddy that I fell in love properly.’

  Watching her take a second mug out of a box – she had kept only one out for her own use, presumably – Gwen said, ‘I know I asked before, Lexie, but have you any idea what Alistair did after he left your house that morning … the morning of the accident? Where he went? Why he was coming down the hill on to the road?’

  ‘I’d say he’d been up to the tower to do some thinking.’

  The other woman’s eyes refused to meet Gwen’s now, so she persisted, ‘What did he have to think about, that’s the point? He was with you all night, wasn’t he? Did he do something he shouldn’t? Don’t be afraid to tell me – he’d thrown me out before that.’

  Lexie waited until she was seated again before answering. ‘You know, Gwen, he never loved me, not really, but he took it for granted that I’d always loved him, and he turned a bit nasty when I told him I loved Roddy. He said I was fooling myself, that I was only a bit on the side for Roddy, so … I slapped his face and he stormed out.’ She paused momentarily, then went on, ‘I suppose I should have gone after him in case he did anything silly, but I was in such a state myself it never crossed my mind.’

  ‘Oh, I’m not blaming you for anything. I just wanted to know.’

  ‘But you’ve got to believe me, Gwen. He never loved me, never ever. It was you he loved, and it was pride that held him back from trying to stop you leaving, and pride that wouldn’t let him write and ask you to come back. It’s a good thing that young David took the initiative. He could be a detective some day with his powers of deduction.’

  ‘Yes, it was all down to him that Alistair took me back, and I suppose we’ll manage to get over things eventually and learn to live in peace together.’

  ‘Listen, Gwen, and don’t take this the wrong way. I’d really like if you could persuade him to come to the wedding. I’ve asked Nancy Lawrie to be matron-of-honour because I didn’t have anyone else, and she’s the only one on my side apart from her husband if you two aren’t there. I couldn’t ask any of my customers, because only a few people are allowed in Aberdeen Register Office, and the ones I didn’t ask would be offended, so … please Gwen? Take David and Leila, as well. You’re … my family.’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do, although I’m not sure if he’s well enough to …’

  ‘You’ve been taking him on the bus to Aberdeen for his checkups, haven’t you?’

  ‘It’s not the travelling I’m worried about. It’s his mental state.’

  ‘Trust me, Gwen. I’m sure it’ll make him see sense and get over everything.’

  On her way home, Gwen mulled over Lexie’s last statement. Was she right? Would seeing his first girlfriend, the woman he still had a soft spot for if nothing more, being married to another man straighten all the kinks in Alistair’s mind? Wasn’t it more likely to send him off the rails altogether? But she had better ask him and let him decide whether or not to put himself through this fresh torture.

  It had taken some persuasion, but the Ritchie family caught the second bus on Saturday morning to give Gwen and Leila time to buy clothes suitable for a wedding. David, chattering unceasingly, and Alistair, strangely silent all the way to the city, already had decent suits to wear, although as they all trooped into Falconer’s store, Gwen detailed her husband to go to the men’s department and buy a more presentable tie for each of them.

  ‘We’ll meet you in the restaurant about half past ten,’ she instructed. ‘We can have a cup of tea and a scone or something before we go to the Registrar.’

  The ties were chosen in less than five minutes, so Alistair suggested that having a look at the harbour would fill in the remaining fifty-five minutes before they had to meet their womenfolk. It was a cold day, but quite pleasant as long as they kept moving, so they stepped smartly down Market Street towards Regent Quay, where there was always some activity going on, the loading or unloading of the large cargo vessels.

  David, however, had other things on his mind. ‘Dad,’ he began, as they passed the Labour Exchange and rounded the corner, ‘are you going to let Mum stay with us once you’re right better?’

  Alistair’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Do you think I shouldn’t?’

  ‘I think you should! I know what she did wasn’t right, but if you love her, you’d be able to forgive her.’

  Evading the implied question, Alistair said, ‘Look, there’s a Norwegian boat. It’s likely brought in some timber – pine, possibly.’

  His son wasn’t to be sidetracked. ‘Don’t change the subject. Is it Mum you love, or Lexie? Why have you come here today? Are you hoping to stop the wedding?’

  Alistair felt a sudden spurt of anger. How dare his son say things like that to him? Where on earth had he got the idea that …? God Almighty! How many other folk had got that impression? Had Leila? Worse still, had Gwen?

  ‘Dad? I’d like an answer.’

  ‘Leave it, David. I can’t think properly just now. We have to get back.’

  While they completed the rest of what was a rectangle – along Regent Quay, up the even steeper Marischal Street, along Union Street back to Falconer’s – Alistair turned the question of what he felt for his wife over and over in his mind. Gwen probably did know how he felt about Lexie, yet she had almost forced him to attend the wedding. Was she hoping that he would give up on his first love when he saw her marrying the ’ec?

  He didn’t care about anything these days, so why the hell had he come? He hadn’t had the strength, the willpower, to refuse, that was why. Gwen had said she would like to see the wedding, but she wouldn’t have gone and left him on his own, so it had been easier to agree. Yet … was that all it had been? He could remember now how he had briefly felt ashamed of himself, not so much for being a burden to her – which he was – but for resenting her getting her own way, when she’d had precious little to be grateful for over the past few months. He’d had everything his way.

  He and David had only a few minutes to wait on the store’s top floor before Gwen and Leila joined them and they all went into the restaurant. His wife looked at him anxiously as they sat down. ‘Are you all right, Alistair?’

  ‘Perfect,’ he said, sarcastically, because he was absolutely done in. It wasn’t just the effect of the physical exercise, it was all the concentrated thinking he was having to do.

  He knew that his brain wasn’t anything like back to normal – it might never be – but surely he knew what was what? No, even that was debatable. Unable to banish the picture of his wife with that Ken Partridge, he had put her through hell since she came back. Would he ever be able to forgive her?

  Unaware that she was watching him, he gave a slight start. Would he ever be able to forgive her? He usually thought that he would never be able to forgive her. It must be a step forward? He did feel that bit different today. Lexie had apparently sat with him during his first few days in hospital, but it was Gwen who had tended him day and night since he was discharged, Gwen who had comforted him when his darkest demons were tormenting him, Gwen who smiled even when he was shouting for attention. Only a woman whose love was unshakeable could have put up with him.

  It had been some time after he was home before he started wondering about his accident, and why he’d been coming down from the tower so early that morning. It had been like trying to dig up an irremovable stone, however. Maybe it was better for him not to know, just to accept things as they were. He should praise Leila and David for coping so well in the shop without him, instead of resenting that, too. Life would be much easier for all of them, himself included, if he mended his ways. He stood in danger of losing his wife if he carried on the way
he was doing.

  Testing his feelings further, he decided that he could live quite happily without Lexie in the background, but he couldn’t visualize spending the rest of his life without Gwen. The question he should be asking himself was, Would she ever forgive him?

  In the Register Office, part of a row of granite buildings with shops at street level, the wedding party was shown into a drab, uninspiring room, where sat an elderly gentleman with a high, Victorian-type collar. He gave them a weary, harassed smile as he motioned to the main participants – bride and groom and their attendants – to come forward, and to the Ritchies and the only other man to take a seat.

  Noticing how drawn Alistair was looking, Gwen wished that she hadn’t made him come. Was he stable enough to watch Lexie Fraser marrying Roddy Liddell? Was he planning to do something to stop the wedding? He was obviously deep in thought, and she primed herself for the explosion she was almost sure would come, but everything went smoothly. The vows were affirmed, the ring placed on the third finger of the bride’s left hand, and the ceremony was being brought to a close.

  ‘I now pronounce you man and wife,’ the registrar intoned, constant repetition of the words over many years depriving them of any real meaning. ‘You may kiss the bride.’

  It was then that Alistair jumped to his feet, taking everyone by surprise, even his own wife, but it was nothing like she had feared. ‘I love you, Gwen,’ he said, articulating each word in a loud clear voice that rang round the room, ‘and I always will!’

  The registrar’s head jerked up, Lexie and Roddy whipped round grinning; Nancy Fleming was beaming when she turned; Leila, although scarlet with embarrassment, wore a beatific smile of sheer happiness. The best man, another police inspector, and Greig Fleming, Nancy’s husband, not understanding the poignancy of the statement, were both staring at Alistair as if he had taken leave of his senses.

  David seemed to be the only one to have retained the power of speech. Barely able to contain his excitement, he chortled, ‘Atta boy, Dad! Close your mouth, Mum, so he can kiss you, and all.’