The Perfect Distance

by Kim Ablon Whitney

  “It wasn’t a mistake,” Dad said. “Don’t ever call it a mistake.”

  “Well, whatever it was.”

  Dad set his gaze on me. “It was the greatest thing that happened to me, and don’t you ever think otherwise.”

  “Okay,” I said, glad that somehow we’d at least managed to get off the topic of Colby.

  “I love you,” Dad said, and he reached over to hug me.

  I spent the entire night in my room doing a paper for world civ, while checking Facebook, and trying to push Colby’s words from my head: Be there! My room was about the size of Katie’s at West Hills—not very big. Unlike Katie’s, though, mine was neat and organized. A rainbow of ribbons hung from the walls, and trophies lined the sky blue bookcase Dad had built for me. I had decided there was no way I was sneaking out and risking Dad catching me or, even worse, Rob catching us at the pool, which was right next to his house. When I couldn’t stop thinking about Colby, I put my laptop aside and took out my shoe box, which included my most recent find: a page torn from a textbook with a note in purple Magic Marker. It read: D., meet me after practice by the baseball field. F. won’t find out, I promise. I’ll be waiting. M. If Becca had found it, she’d be trying to figure out who D., F., and M. were and worrying that D. was her D. But I preferred not knowing, so I could read it over and over and maybe even pretend I was D. or M.

  At ten-forty-five I put the shoe box back in my closet and climbed under the covers, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept turning to look at the glowing digits of the clock, thinking, one more hour till midnight, forty-five minutes till midnight, a half hour to midnight. Then it was midnight and I still wasn’t anywhere near asleep. I got out of bed and then I got back into bed and then I got back out again and threw on shorts and a T-shirt. I just hoped C. was still waiting for me.

  Sneaking out wasn’t hard. Bandit was curled up on my bed and I told him to stay, then tiptoed out of the house, making sure to ease the screen door shut. The moon threw enough light for me to see where I was going, but it was still kind of spooky walking through the woods back to the farm. I broke into a jog, and when I saw the pool house come into view, the sudden fear that Colby wouldn’t be there hit me. That he’d have forgotten or that he just hadn’t believed I would come. Or more likely, since it was now twelve-twenty, that he’d given up and gone to bed.

  But when I went around the side of the pool house, he was sitting at the edge of the pool with his legs dangling in the water.

  “I didn’t think you were going to show. I was about to give up on you.”

  “Shh—” I said. “Rob’s house is right over there.”

  “Relax,” Colby said. “He’s not going to wake up, and even if he did, he’d probably just get nostalgic for his younger days—oh, look, Colby and Francie are out there skinny dipping, how teenagerish.”

  “Who said anything about skinny dipping?” I asked, walking around to where he was.

  “Well, what else would we be doing out here?”

  “There’s no way I’m taking off my clothes.”

  “What if I go first?”

  Colby stood up and pulled his shirt over his head. In the moonlight I could see his bare skin, and it made my heart skip several beats.

  “You’re not really going to—”

  Colby answered by starting to undo his shorts. I couldn’t believe him. He was so crazy and free of inhibitions.

  “I’m covering my eyes,” I told him.

  “You don’t have to,” he said.

  I waited with my eyes closed and only tentatively opened them when I heard a splash. Colby was looking up at me from the water. “Come on in.”

  “No.”

  “Come on!” he said, louder. “If you don’t come in, I’m going to start screaming at the top of my lungs.”

  Knowing Colby even as little as I did, I knew he wasn’t kidding. And the last thing I needed was for him to wake up Rob. “All right, all right,” I said. I turned around so Colby wouldn’t see and pulled my shirt over my head. Then I stepped out of my shorts. But that was as far as I was going. There was no way my bra or underwear was coming off. I turned back around, scampered to the edge of the pool, and slipped in. When I came up, Colby was swimming toward me.

  “Isn’t the water nice?” he asked.

  I still couldn’t believe I was here—in the pool with Colby in the middle of the night, and him totally buck-naked no less. In the last two days I’d done so much that I thought I’d never do. Go to a party, kiss Colby, sneak out at night. The pool wasn’t very deep. The water reached just up to my collarbone. Colby swam right up next to me. “I’m sorry,” he said, using our code word.

  “Me too,” I managed.

  He kissed me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer. The combination of his skin and the warm water felt amazing. As we continued to kiss, we pressed closer and I thought I felt fabric rubbing against my leg. I moved my hand down and felt the waistband of Colby’s boxers.

  He laughed. “I had you going, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, you did,” I said, feeling a bit relieved and stupid at the same time.

  “I would have ditched them in a second if you’d taken it all off.”

  “I don’t doubt it,” I said.

  “So what made you decide to come?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You do know.”

  “Because I wanted to see you,” I admitted.

  “And because you wanted to do something crazy.”

  “No, you’re the crazy one,” I said.

  “It was a test,” he said. “A test of the emergency rebellion system. To see if you were actually a real teenager.”

  “I gave Doug my test, remember? I think that counts as doing something I shouldn’t have.”

  “That’s different,” Colby pointed out. “That was something you didn’t want to do, but you did it because you were too scared to say no.”

  The truth of his words stung, and I looked away. “Thanks for making me feel even worse about it.” All I could think was—the power of no.

  Colby shrugged. “Last time I checked, you’re allowed to make mistakes. Plus, what I’m talking about is going for something you really want . . . Maybe there’s this whole other Francie waiting to come out and you just don’t know it.”

  “I thought you said I was perfect . . . smart, beautiful . . .”

  “You are, but I just get the sense that you don’t always go hard enough for what you want. Like how you spend your whole life hoping you won’t mess up.”

  “So what am I supposed to do?”

  “Ever think about trying to win?”

  I couldn’t believe Colby. Mr. Who Cares How I Do was lecturing me about going harder for what I wanted. “What about you? You never even get nervous. It’s like you don’t care how you do. And the killer is you’re a great rider. You could win if you cared at all about winning.”

  “To me, riding isn’t everything,” Colby said. “I decided that a long time ago.”

  “But if you aren’t that serious about it, why do you even show at all?”

  “I love it. It’s fun. Why shouldn’t I?”

  “I guess,” I said, but I still didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

  Colby and I stayed in the pool till just after one. When I told him I better go back, he said, “You sure you can’t stay?”

  “Positive,” I said. Sneaking out and pseudo-skinny dipping was enough for one night. Sleeping over would be for sometime else, and probably not for a long time.

  The air felt incredibly cold when we got out. Colby and I kissed good-bye, and I jogged the whole way home. I tiptoed back into the house and into my room. Bandit only barely lifted his head in a welcome. There was something to be said for older dogs. I changed into dry clothes and got into bed, my heart still racing. Sleep didn’t come for a while, but I didn’t mind. Instead of playing out my usual riding dream in my head, I rewound kissing Colby in the pool. I
felt like I was watching a movie, and I had to keep reminding myself that it had been me kissing him. When I woke the next morning, I wondered if it had even happened, and I had to touch my clothes, still damp from the night before, to be sure it wasn’t a dream.

  Chapter Twelve

  * * *

  With each day that passed at school, I was more and more certain that Doug had gotten away with using my test. By the end of the week I was no longer walking the halls waiting for an announcement over the PA system calling me to the principal’s office. While that made things calmer at school, at the barn I was more on edge than ever because of Colby. After our night at the pool, things didn’t seem that different between us. I didn’t know quite how to act in front of him. Was there something real happening between us or not? Suddenly I felt how Becca did after her first hook-up with Doug and, of all things, I decided to take Tracy’s advice—wait and see what happens. If he was into me, I’d know it. Only, by the time we left on Friday for the Talent Search Finals, I still wasn’t sure.

  Some people say New Jersey is the armpit of America, but those people have never seen Gladstone where the United States Equestrian Team headquarters is. It’s picture-perfect horse country—grassy pastures lined with stone walls and brown post-and-rail fences.

  Unlike the other finals, the Talent Search takes place over two days. Dad, Camillo, and I got there early on Friday and unloaded the horses and the equipment and set up the stalls. Later, Dad sent me to check in at the office and when I got back Tara was in the tack room, putting lip gloss on in front of the mirror. “Connor’s here,” she said. “I’m going to find him.”

  Colby was catching a ride with Katie, which I wasn’t thrilled about, and the two of them showed up a half hour later. Colby had the baggy khakis on again and a shirt with a picture of the earth on it that read LOVE YOUR MOTHER. He looked totally cute.

  “Where’s the ice queen?” Katie asked, seeing Tara’s backpack.

  “She went to find Connor.”

  Katie sang out, “Reunited and it feels so good.”

  “Who’s Connor?” Colby asked.

  “Connor Weatherfield. Tara dates him. You didn’t know that?” Katie said.

  Colby shrugged. “You know me. Always the last to know.”

  Katie dug around in her tack trunk, pulling out a pair of T-boots and a fly bonnet. “Hey, anyone want to go shopping? I can’t find my spurs,” she said.

  “I think I’ll take a pass,” Colby said. “I’m not much of a shopper.”

  “Who would have guessed?” Katie laughed, looking at Colby’s tattered LOVE YOUR MOTHER shirt.

  I said I’d go with Katie, since I always loved any excuse to wander around a tack shop.

  “How was the ride up with Colby?” I asked Katie as we headed over to the mobile tack store that had come for the show.

  “Great,” she said. “This weekend I’m totally making my move on him.”

  “What are you going to do?” I tried to sound normal, but my stomach was tying up in knots. I wondered if maybe Colby had said something to her about me. I had wanted to tell her about what happened in the pool, but I hadn’t really had the right chance, and I wasn’t sure it had meant anything either. Plus, the last thing I needed was the whole barn finding out. Now I wished I had told her about us—if there was an us.

  “I haven’t figured that part out yet, but something,” she said. “Don’t you think he likes me? I’m getting vibes that he does. I mean, why would he keep coming to my room all the time for food?”

  “Maybe he’s just hungry,” I said. I knew this was my chance to tell Katie I liked him, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Not when she thought he liked her. And anyway, what if he didn’t really like me? He said he did, but maybe he hadn’t really meant it or he’d changed his mind. I’d just look like a loser.

  Katie shook her head and laughed. “You don’t know the first thing about guys,” she said.

  “Maybe,” I said, worried that she was right.

  The Show Place was a big trailer outfitted to carry all kinds of tack, clothes, and equipment. It wasn’t one of the stores that traveled on the circuit like Hadfield’s or Beval. I found the show coat Dad had bought me. I was looking for the price tag to see how much it was when an older woman with a neat blond bob who worked there walked up to me and asked suspiciously, “Can I help you with something?”

  “I was just looking,” I said.

  She gave me this really hideous smile. I had never thought a smile could be mean, but hers was. “That’s a really expensive coat,” she said.

  As she said it, I realized I was still in my work clothes—jeans, sneakers, and a dirt-stained T-shirt. I hadn’t changed into my boots and breeches. She thought I was a groom, not a rider. She thought I could never afford to buy the coat and that I wouldn’t have any use for it. I should have told her I had the exact same coat, but I couldn’t find the words. My face felt hot and my throat dry.

  “No thank you,” I managed, turning away. I hated that I could feel tears pressing at the backs of my eyelids. Even though Rob wasn’t around I tried to remember rule number three: No matter what, no crying. I hated that some snobby woman was making me feel so worthless.

  Katie came out from the other side of the shop. “Found a pair,” she said, holding up the spurs.

  “I’ll meet you outside,” I told her.

  Katie came out right after me. “What was that all about? You look like you’re about to cry, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look like that.”

  “I’m not about to cry,” I said, even though I was.

  “Yes, you are. What happened?”

  “It was nothing.”

  “It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

  “Did she say anything after I left?” I asked.

  “No.”

  I shook my head. “She just acted like I couldn’t afford anything in there.”

  Katie slung an arm around me, and all of a sudden I was so glad I hadn’t told her about Colby. “She’s just some sales-woman. Who cares what she thinks?”

  “Do you want to go back in for the spurs?” I asked her.

  “Of course not,” she said.

  “But you need them.”

  “I can borrow yours, right?”

  “Sure.”

  “Good,” Katie said. “Then let’s never go there again, okay?”

  I wanted to hug her tight and never let go. “Okay,” I said.

  The Talent Search had three phases, flat, gymnastics, and jumping, plus a final test of the top four riders. After the flat phase on Saturday, I stood tenth. I was really happy, since at the walk, trot, and canter, the tall beautiful-in-the-saddle riders, like Tara, usually did better. Tara was on top, and I was working hard not to let it bother me.

  The next and last phase of the day on Saturday was gymnastics. When we finished walking the course, Katie and Colby headed into the stands to watch, since they didn’t go until the end of the class. I went back to the barn, because I was going eighth.

  Back at the barn, Tobey’s ears were floppy and pointed out to the side, and his lower lip was hanging down—his chilling out pose. I went into his stall and sat for a few minutes in a corner on a pile of fresh shavings. He leaned his head down and touched my face with his nose. At first he wasn’t sure why I was just sitting in his stall, but after a few minutes he decided it was fine and started munching hay.

  When the announcer called that the class was beginning, my stomach pulsed with cramps. I thought about what Colby had said about believing in myself. Maybe he was right. I had to be sure of myself, even if Rob wasn’t. But I wasn’t sure I could be.

  As I led Tobey out of his stall, I heard Tara and Connor’s voices coming from the tack room. Only it didn’t sound like “Reunited and It Feels So Good” anymore. More like Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable.”

  “What are you saying?” Tara asked.

  “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, but now’s not the right time either.”r />
  I paused and listened, not so much because I wanted to hear what they were saying but because I had to pass the tack room to get out of the aisle and I didn’t want to go by if they were having a major fight.

  “It’s the long-distance thing,” Tara tried. “I know it’s hard.”

  “It’s not that—”

  “Then what is it?” Tara said.

  There was a pause before Connor spoke again. “There’s someone else.”

  “Who?”

  “That doesn’t really matter . . .”

  “Madison, right?”

  “It was over between you and me anyway. Don’t blame it on her.”

  “Except you forgot to tell me it was over.”

  Before I could find a place to hide, Tara careened down the aisle toward me, tears streaming down her face. I wondered if I should run after her, but what would I have said? We weren’t really friends. And anyway, I had to head up to the ring with Tobey or I’d miss my spot in the order.

  The judges had announced that in the gymnastics phase, you were to jump the course, and then if there was any part you didn’t do well, you could do that section again. So before I entered the ring, I asked Rob, “And if I make a mistake and I think it’s fixable? Should I do that line again?”

  “If you make the mistake, don’t bother. If you ride it decently and Tobey doesn’t jump it the best, try it again so the judges see you know how to improve your horse. If it’s your fault, it’s too late for improvement. Got it?”

  I nodded. Rob had already told us that one of the two judges, Nolan Stratton, would pay a lot of attention to how riders affected their horses’ jump, maybe more than other judges would. Nolan was a grand prix rider who had won the World Cup Finals a decade ago.

  “But Francie—” Rob added.

  I looked back at him.

  “Let’s try not to make a mistake, huh?”

  Rob said it like I just didn’t try hard enough, when in fact I was trying so hard all the time. How could he not notice that? I entered the ring and pushed thoughts of him away to concentrate on the course.

  My first and second lines whizzed by. Jumping gymnastics was like being on a pogo stick. You jump, land, stride, jump, land, stride, and jump. I came in a little too forward to the next line, a bounce to two two-strides. Tobey hit the second part of the bounce and the top rail thumped to the ground. I headed to the next line, thinking, Should I go back after and redo that line? I still hadn’t decided when I finished. Rob started clapping, no whoops, and that’s when I turned back to the line with the bounce. I wasn’t settling today. I wasn’t letting the regionals happen again. I was going for great. This time Tobey snapped his knees up in perfect form, six inches above the top rail.