Sweet Hope

by Tillie Cole

  I knew that for the rest of my life, the image of the most perfect chick on the planet, undressing just for me, would be forever branded on my brain.

  Shucking the brown boots, Aliyana then hooked her fingers on the sides of her panties and slowly pushed them down her legs. Once completely naked, she stepped toward me, holding out her hand. Putting my palm in hers, and trusting someone completely for the first time ever, I stood.

  Aliyana looked up at me through heavy eyelids, releasing my hand, only to drop them to my already-undone jeans. Putting her palms on my chest, she ran her fingers down my abs, over my stomach and hooked her fingers into my waistband. Slowly, Aliyana pulled down my jeans until they joined her clothes on the floor.

  Retaking my hand, she pulled back the sheet of the bed and crawled in, guiding me to follow. I did it without question. Shit. I’d follow this chick anywhere.

  As I lay down facing Aliyana, she squeezed my hand and cast me a nervous smile.

  “Shit, Aliyana,” I said, bringing our joined hands to my lips.

  “You’re Axel Carillo,” she whispered in disbelief, making my lips freeze on the soft skin on the back of her hand. “I’m not supposed to want you…” she said shakily, and I felt my heart sink.

  Aliyana must have read something on my face, because she shuffled closer until our bodies were flush and we shared the same air. “...But I can’t help it. You’re not the man everyone says you are… are you?”

  Feeling my heartbeat pick up speed, I combed back the hair from her face and said, “I’m exactly who they think I am.”

  Aliyana swallowed, a droplet of sweat from our fuck rolling down her olive-skinned slim neck. “No… you’re punishing yourself for the actions you desperately took to save your family, not embracing the good man you are now.” My stomach clenched at the sincere belief she had in me and I closed my eyes.

  Aliyana’s hand pressed on my cheek. “Look at me,” she urged. When I didn’t do as she wanted, she rolled me onto my back, her tits pressing against my chest. “Axel, look at me,” she pushed harder.

  Reluctantly opening my eyes, Aliyana’s searching gaze was assessing my face. “Answer this,” she said. I waited for her question. “Did you take that coke you bought tonight?”

  My eyebrows furrowed and I tried to turn away, but her hands on my face refused to budge. “Answer me,” she insisted. “Did you take it?”

  My jaw clenched, but seeing she wasn’t gonna drop it, I rasped. “No, I didn’t. You fucking happy?”

  The smile that then followed my reluctant confession floored me. Gently holding her wrists, I added, “But if you hadn’t shown up, I would’ve.”

  That smiled disappeared and her eyes glanced away. “I don’t believe you would have,” she disagreed.

  “You don’t know me as well as you think then, do you?”

  Aliyana’s face melted into a sad expression and she nodded, moving her finger to run over my scowl. “I do. Tell me,” she watched as her finger traced the edges of my beard, “where did you get it? The coke?”

  Narrowing my eyes, I shrugged and said, “Some street crew I saw near a liquor store.”

  Aliyana’s eyes flared for a second, before she looked all sad again.

  “What?” I snapped. I fucking hated pity. Hatred I could deal with, pity, I couldn’t fucking stand.

  “A street crew?” she questioned, “Like the Heighters?”

  My muscles tensed. “So if it was? Fuck! Why you asking anyway?”

  “Axel,” she said softly, running her finger over my crucifix… the crucifix that used to be my stidda. I used to be so damn proud of that black star tattoo on my left cheek, proud that my crew had my loyalty, my trust.

  “You were hurt after the game… after Levi’s public rejection… after mine…” her expression fell at that, a guilty expression on her face, “and you ran back to the only thing you know. To the only life you’ve ever lived here on the outside.”

  My breathing paused at how right she read me. She always had, ever since the moment she first saw my art.

  “Axel?” she pushed, waiting for my reply.

  Dropping my gaze to her pink painted fingernails, I confessed, “I don’t know how to do it…”

  “Do what, querido?” Ally blushed as she called me that. I had no idea what she’d said, but I’d sure as fuck liked the way it sounded. It sounded like a term of endearment… it sounded as though she cared. Ain’t no woman ever give a shit about me before.

  Lifting my hand, I pulled the chopsticks from her hair, long dark locks falling over my chest. I combed my fingers through the silky strands.

  “Axel, You don’t know how to do what?”

  Smelling the lavender shampoo on her hair, I said, “Be normal… get people to trust me… believe in me… give me a second chance. How do you exist in this world without having to fight? Without pain?”

  Aliyana’s eyes misted over and she shifted so she was fully lying on top of me, her legs in between mine. “You’ve never known how to be pain free, have you? Have you ever been happy?”

  Hating the sympathy in her gaze, I turned my head, fire burning in my gut. “Don’t,” I hissed.

  But she kept going. “You were brought up fighting your whole life, joined a gang because that’s what kids did where you came from, then you spent your time caring for your sick mamma, Aust and Lev. And then…”

  Swallowing my pride, I finished, “Then I got locked up.”

  “Axel… You’ve never known true happiness…” A tear fell from Aliyana’s eyes. I dried it with the pad of my thumb. I couldn’t believe that she was crying for me. I couldn’t believe those tears were for me. Ain’t no one but my mamma ever cried for me before. But mamma cried for the state of my soul, for the parents of the men I’d killed… but not Aliyana, she cried for the fucked up man that never knew happiness.

  Unable to see Aliyana breaking, and for once, speaking without guard, I hushed out, “Sono felice insieme a te.”

  Aliyana stilled and her brown eyes met mine, her mouth slightly open in shock. “ Axel… did you…?”

  I shrugged and Aliyana pressed her hand over my racing heart. A smile twitched on her full lips clearly feeling it race and she asked, “You’re… you’re happy with me?”

  Exhaling a pent up breath, I confessed, “Si.”

  “Axel,” she cried and her eye lashes fluttered fast as she fought back tears. Lifting her body higher, her finger ran over my lips, and she said, “Bésame.” Before I even knew what she’d said, she crushed her mouth to mine.

  Holding Aliyana to my mouth, we kissed lazily as I ran my fingers up her spine, loving the feeling of her shivering at my touch. There should be a sculpture created for her. She was perfect.

  As Aliyana slid her lips from mine, I rolled us until we were facing each other and her hands ran over the nape of my neck.

  Her expression changed and I could feel her fingers tracing my scar. “Axel?” I grunted in reply, my chest tightening at what I knew she was gonna ask. “How did you get this scar?”

  She must have felt me tense. She pulled me closer and whispered, “Please, tell me… stop keeping everything hidden. You can trust me.”

  Laying my head back against the pillow, Aliyana shuffled closer. “I got it in prison,” I said vaguely.

  Aliyana’s eyes widened. “How? What happened?”

  Closing my eyes, I thought of that day and without opening my lids, stayed in the darkness and said, “My old crew brothers that were inside got me alone and came at me. I knew the day would come when they’d get their revenge on me. No one turns on a crew brother, but I did, and they wanted blood for blood.”

  I could hear Aliyana’s breathing quicken. But like a damn fountain, this shit just began pouring outta me. “We were in the yard, them over one side and I was keeping my head down. I’d managed to steer clear of them, for ‘bout two years, but when Alessio, the old Heighter leader’s brother got put away for life, I knew it was only a matter of time before
they came to take me out. That fucker was evil, and he wanted me dead for what happened to his little brother, Gio—”

  “What happened to his brother?”

  My eyes snapped open and my hands started shaking. Fuck, why were my hands shaking?

  Aliyana noticed my hands and clasped them in hers. Losing the color from her face, she pushed, “Axel? What happened to Gio?”

  I didn’t want to tell her, but she needed to know what I’d done in my past. She needed to know what fucked up guy she was laying beside.

  “I had him killed,” I whispered. Aliyana’s hands gripped mine so tight it started to stop the blood flow.

  “You… you…”

  “Had him killed,” I confessed.

  “Axel, why?” she whispered in disbelief. I could hear the shock in her voice. The truth was, she’d never fully understand how I could take lives. Only folks brought up in crew life ever would. How could people brought up in a sweet ass home with healthy legit parents ever understand how a kid has to fight—sometimes ‘til the death—for survival?

  I stared out of the windows at the dark night, the stars bright in the sky and my stomach dropped as I thought of my best friend, everything we went through together.

  “To save my brothers,” I rasped. “I had to have him killed to give my brothers the chance of a better life. Gio was my best friend, my brother in arms. He was the closest person to me, but I knew that when I went inside, he’d go after Austin and Levi. He was obsessed with having the Carillo’s by his side. And once you’d got the stidda, you were crew. You were Heighter for life. Only way out was death. If you tried to leave, you were—”

  “Killed…” she interrupted and, meeting her eyes, I nodded my head.

  “Yeah. Levi and Austin were fully initiated, full members, stidda’s inked on their left cheeks, bound to the crew for life. I knew the only way they could be free was to take Gio out. So I called our rival’s leader. The King crew I’d dedicated my whole life to fighting and told him when and where to find Gio. My best friend and crew brother was killed exactly when and where I’d said the Kings could find him. Gio was shot dead at my hands, but Austin and Levi were free.” I sighed. “It was the best thing I’ve ever done for them. The blood on my hands ain’t ever gonna wash away, but at least my brothers are out and living good lives… lives I could never have given them. I’d dragged them into that gang, it was only right I got them the fuck out. It just took me too damn long to see the fucking light.”

  Aliyana was silent, Hinder’s “Lips of An Angel” playing through the speakers, the only sound in the studio.

  “You had your best friend killed…” she murmured somberly. I had to look away, suddenly consumed with grief.

  “I can’t imagine having to make that choice. It would be like me choosing to kill Molly to save Rome. It would be… impossible. I couldn’t live with myself.”

  The constant weight that pressed on my chest lightened some as she understood what my everyday was like. I heard the sadness in her voice. She fucking understood what having Gio killed did to me, still did to me. She understood the gravity of the hardest choice I’d ever made.

  Aliyana’s lips pressed on my skin giving me strength and she asked, “How did you meet Gio? How did you even get involved with that gang?”

  Whether I wanted to or not, that question took me straight back to the past…

  Chapter Fourteen

  Axel

  Westside Heights Trailer Park

  Tuscaloosa, Alabama

  Eighteen years ago…

  Walking into the trailer, a two-year-old Levi wriggling in my arms, I saw Austin sitting on the couch, his head down and crying.

  As I approached him I could see blood on his face and a bruise forming on his eye. “Aust? What’s happened?” I asked and rushed to bend down in front of him. I put Levi on the floor, passing him a broken toy truck, then turned to Austin and forced his hands from his face. Austin tried to fight me seeing him, but I was stronger and he couldn’t fight me off. As I pulled down his hands, Austin didn’t meet my eyes, but I could see the state of his face.

  Anger made me shake. “Who did this to you?” I snapped. Austin winced as I pressed my fingers against his swelling eye.

  “Austin!” I shouted, Levi jumping in shock at my angry voice as he played on the floor.

  “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Austin said, his voice catching because he was crying.

  “Well I do,” I said and wiped his tears away with my thumbs. “Tell me who hit you. I’m gonna kill them!”

  Austin lifted his head and sighed. “Just some older kids from school, Axe. You don’t know them.”

  “Why did they hit you?” I asked. Reaching for a dishtowel, I began wiping away the blood off his face. Levi pulled himself up to stand on the sofa, crawling into Austin’s lap.

  “Hey, fratellino,” Austin greeted Levi and he hugged Levi to his chest, Levi’s chubby arms hugging him back.

  “Austin?” I pushed again. “Why did they beat you up?”

  Austin’s eyes narrowed. “Have you seen me, Axe?” Austin used his hand to point to his clothes. “I’m poor. My clothes are all too small, my sneakers are old and they hurt my feet, but Papa won’t let Mamma buy us new clothes. The kids at school… they make fun of me.”

  Dropping the towel to the floor, I pressed my hand over my stomach. It felt like someone had kicked me... They make fun of me…

  “I get it everyday, Axe. I ain’t you. No one’s scared of me.” Austin’s head dropped, his tears splashing on his dirty jeans. “I hate our lives! I hate Papa. I hate that he beats Mamma, makes her work all the time and then spends all the money on drink.”

  As I stared at my little brothers, both of them dressed in faded clothes, all of us going hungry, something in me snapped. Jumping to my feet, my insides felt like they were on fire.

  “Axe?” Austin’s beaten face was looking up at me from the couch. He was scared.

  “Stay with Lev,” I ordered and rushed out of the trailer. I was so angry. So damn angry! Before I knew it, I was sprinting through the trailer park. I kept my eyes staring forward as I ran to the park’s bar, ignoring the Heighters all watching me rush pass them as I pushed through the entrance to the bar.

  I stood still and looked for my papa. Hearing a woman laugh, my eyes went to the sound. The laughing woman was sitting on Papa’s lap.

  Storming over to where he was, I stood beside him and pushed on his big arm. His eyes snapped to mine and disgust built on his face.

  “What the fuck are you doing here, boy?” he slurred drunkenly.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I said, “I need money. Austin and Levi need clothes and we need food.”

  My papa’s gaze darkened as I said that and he pushed me hard on my chest. I stumbled back as he and the woman laughed.

  Gritting my teeth, I ran at my papa and pushed him back. “They need clothes! It’s not fair!” I shouted. “Austin’s getting beat up at school because of it!”

  The bar went silent as my papa stared down at me. His skin began turning red and I started backing away. My stomach dropped as I realized what I’d just done. I’d made him mad. Real mad.

  In a second Papa had thrown the half naked woman off his lap and reached out to grab me by my neck. He dragged me out of the bar and burst through the doors out into the cool night.

  Papa’s free hand gripped onto my hair and he pulled me to face him. “You little cunt! You’re gonna pay for fucking with me!”

  His hand let go of my hair and he punched me on the jaw, the pain making my legs weaken then drop to the ground. My scalp burned as my papa kept tight hold of my hair and punched me again in my stomach. He let go of my hair and I fell down. Closing my eyes, I curled my body trying to protect myself from the kick I knew would come next, when suddenly, I heard someone dragging my papa backwards.

  Opening my eyes, I saw Remo Marino, the leader of the Heighters, holding my papa by his arms. “What the fuck you doing to that k
id, old man?” he asked and I could see my papa fighting to get free.

  “Get the fuck off me, you piece of shit!” he shouted back. But then more of the Heighters surrounded him and began throwing punches.

  I tried to sit up, not knowing what to do, when a hand pressed on my shoulder. My head whipped to my right, when I saw Gio Marino beside me. I tried to get away from him. My mamma had told me to stay away from the Heighter crew, said they were nothing but trouble.

  “Relax, ragazzo,” Gio said. “I ain’t gonna hurt you.”

  “You’re not?” I asked. My voice was croaky and my eyes went back to the rest of the gang that were kicking my papa on the ground.

  “Papa,” I whispered and staggered to my feet. Gio joined me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, forcing me to stay where I was.

  The Heighters began moving from my papa, and my eyes widened when I saw him rolling in pain on the ground, covered in blood. I’d never seen my papa look so weak before.

  My gaze never left my papa, but when someone moved in front of me I looked up. Remo Marino.

  “Axel Carillo, yeah?” he asked and I nodded my head, looking behind Remo to all the other Heighters watching me. I knew they were all Heighters because of the black star on their left cheeks.

  “He hit you like that a lot?” Remo asked. My attention came back to the older Heighter leader and I nodded my head. I didn’t dare lie to him.

  “I… I needed money for my little brothers. They need clothes. Papa wouldn’t give me it.” I dropped my head in shame. “I lost it and came after him… I was stupid. It’s my fault he hit me.”

  Remo looked back over his shoulder at my papa trying to get to his feet and shook his head. “Fucking hate assholes like that. And you ain’t stupid, kid. You did good.” Gio’s arm tightened around my shoulder and I saw Gio nod his head to Remo’s raised eyebrow.

  I didn’t understand what that look meant.

  “Filippo, get the kid some cash,” Remo said to a guy stood beside him. Filippo reached into his pocket, pulled out a roll of cash and placed it in my hands.