The One That Ran Away

by Hildred Billings

  She didn’t know why she was so surprised to find a Metaphysics section in Powell’s, when it was the bookstore with everything. If she wanted to find a Lebanese cookbook, she would have her pick of a collection of family recipes or a recently published edition from New York that came complete with glossy pages and slick photography. Same with fiction. First Editions and collector’s copies of Jane Eyre? Check. Signed copies of a local comic book collection? Gee, did Shannon want it written in pen or pencil?

  But until she reconnected with Jess, she had completely passed by this part of the bookstore in favor of more… mainstream books. When she turned the corner and found a brightly lit aisle featuring books about astrology, astral projections, and chakras, she instantly pulled up the hood on her jacket and pretended she was lost.

  The other people in the aisle looked normal enough. A young woman with a light brown ponytail flipped through “The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need.” A man with a clean goatee and an outfit made entirely of thrifty finds was curled up against the wall with, “What to Know When You Exit the Plane.” Two teenagers, one wearing an anime sweatshirt and the other sporting pink pigtails, giggled over their love computability. One was a Leo, and the other an Aries, based on what Shannon overheard. Those are supposed to be compatible, right? Was that what Jess had said the other night?

  She didn’t know why she was so curious about exploring these books for herself. Maybe this was Shannon’s ironic way of taking control of her life back from the powers that be. For so long, she had been content to go with the whim of the world and do whatever her lover of the moment suggested. Move across the country? Sure! Why not?

  She bristled to think of Andrew. Last she heard, that jackass was yucking it up in his new home and already posing with new women on Facebook. She wondered if those women thought he was as lame in bed as she had.

  When the teenagers finished giggling over their love signs and exited the aisle, Shannon looked around to make sure nobody was spying on her. Once the coast was clear, she snagged a similar book and hurried to open it to her sign before anyone could see the cover of her book. The shocking, bright pink didn’t help to deter people from catching her in the embarrassing act of consulting an astrological textbook.

  Her finger ran beneath the lines until it found LIBRA next to “Best Signs for Maximum Romance.”

  Great. At least Jess hadn’t been lying about that.

  “Aquarius and Libra are a match that can never stagnate,” the block of text began. “They’re both high, philosophical thinkers who are concerned for the state of the world and the betterment of their fellow man. Libra, the indecisive, idealistic pursuer of all things fair and balanced is prone to stressing herself out because she cannot commit to any plan. Aquarius has the cautious ability to sway her decisions in a way that is beneficial to all parties involved. Likewise, when Aquarius inevitably becomes hotheaded because life isn’t bending to his views of the world, Libra can smooth everything over with effortless charm and that innate beauty that brings Aquarius to his knees.”

  Shannon narrowed her eyes when she looked up and stared at the spines of other books. Not that she read them. She was too busy contemplating how true that might be in her own life. After all, Jess had made it clear that astrology was, first and foremost, about understanding one’s own psyche as opposed to divining the future.

  “Aquarius is ruled by the Rebellious planet Uranus, and Libra bows to Romantic Venus. Aquarius’s stubborn nature and inability to follow society’s whim makes him vain and aloof. Libra understands vanity well, being quite capable of it herself. What better match is there than two people who understand what it means to be in love with one’s self? Even better if they see the same things in each other.”

  This still didn’t make any sense. It didn’t help that a strange feeling swelled in the pit of Shannon’s stomach, as if fate were about to come crashing around the corner.

  ***

  Memory #12

  I came home from a meeting with my advisor to find Kelsey stewing in our living room. Whenever her hands squeezed her arms like that, I knew she was about to blow her metaphorical top. From the way she glared at me, I knew I was the subject of her ire.

  Oh, God, what had I done this time? Did I accidentally leave my yogurt cup in the sink again?

  “Guess who dropped by while you were gone?”

  I sat down in my favorite chair without having removed my jacket. Surprised Kelsey didn’t ride my ass about that, because it had been raining outside. Nobody hated a soggy couch more than my best friend. “Campus safety? I knew Abigail was gonna get us in trouble because she plays My Chemical Romance so loudly.” Not my favorite band, either. Talk about a strike against Abigail, who was always more Kelsey’s friend than mine.

  “No. That girl who’s got it bad for you.”

  I didn’t flinch. “Jess?”

  “Uh huh. She came by here to give you a message. Bet your ass she was pretty sad that you weren’t here to receive it.”

  I remained silent.

  “Says that she wants to hang out at The Boar’s Head for Friday night drinks. Something about her birthday.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah? I said I would buy her a drink in exchange for what she did for me the other night. Remember? When I…”

  “Oh, I remember.” Kelsey shook her head. “I know how you’ve been since Nick broke up with you, Shan…”

  “I broke up with him, thanks.”

  “…And you’ve been a damned mess. First you’re sleeping with random Belgian dudes, then you get a gross old sugar daddy to toy with, then you go and play Hide the Pearl with a bunch of frat guys… now this?”

  Patience already wore thin with me. What right did Kelsey have to fling that shit into my face? It was like she had saved it for this moment, because God knew we didn’t talk about it otherwise. I didn’t bring up the two guys she dated at one time, and she didn’t bring up my downward spiral from the past year.

  “Why are you talking about this?”

  “Going out with a girl? Really, Shan? Since when are you lez?”

  “Since when are you a big fucking homophobe who has a problem with me being friends with lesbians?”

  “I don’t have a problem with lesbians! Jesus. I ain’t no homophobe.” Kelsey snorted, as if that were the worst thing I could ever say. “I have a problem with her, specifically. If you ask me, she’s taking advantage of you.”

  “How is that not being a homophobe?”

  “Because it doesn’t have to do with her being gay! It’s about her! Altogether!”

  “She’s never been anything but super sweet to me.” Which was more than I could say about Kelsey lately. Sometimes I swore I got along more with Jess than I did my supposed best friend. Maybe that was us growing apart as we grew older and held different ideals.

  “She’s been out for nothing but your pussy this whole time. Trust me. I know that look.”

  That particular comment caught me off guard. “What? How do you know ‘that look?’”

  She shrugged. “I’ve got more experience in certain things than you do. Don’t go out with her this Friday, seriously. She’s going to come on to you so strong that you won’t be able to breathe.”

  Maybe that didn’t sound so bad. I swore I wasn’t attracted to Jess – not that way – but the more Kelsey talked, the more I wanted to get into bed with Jess to spite my friend.

  So what if she was right? Maybe I wanted to cut loose a little more my senior year of college. I didn’t want to use someone nice like Jess… but if the whim of fate made me sleep with her… well, how could I regret it, even if I didn’t like it?

  “The Boar’s Head, huh?” I got up, grabbing my backpack and heading toward my room. “Sounds great. I’ll let you know if I fuck her.”

  Kelsey said nothing, but like a disapproving parent, she stared into the back of my head and sent a riot of chills down my spine.

  ***

  Shannon’s ominous feeling manifested wh
en Jess rounded the corner of Metaphysics. She expressed surprise for one moment before merely shaking her head with a wan smile.

  “What are the odds that we keep bumping into each other?”

  Shannon shoved her book about astrological compatibility back onto the shelf. “It’s like college, but with a much bigger campus.”

  Jess leaned against the window. A small stack of books pressed between her crossed arms and her chest. Yeah, like college. Only now you’ve filled out a little and are more confident to be around. Shannon hadn’t realized those things about Jess until that moment. “The odds are still incredible.”

  “You’re not stalking me, are you?”

  “Please. That’s a little too much like college.”

  Shannon didn’t know if that was a joke or not, but when Jess smirked like that, how could she think it was anything but a joke? The more I think about it, the prettier I realize she is. Jess wasn’t the most conventionally attractive woman, but she still had the markings of the type of girl Shannon could find striking to look at on a warm day. Round face, full lips, bright blue eyes, and a flattering haircut that clipped above her ears and disappeared into the nape of her neck. She was a little wider than she had been in college, but so was Shannon. Wider wasn’t a bad thing. It made Shannon’s hips more pronounced in those jeans, and her thighs more enticing to look at. I like thighs. I remember liking her thighs a lot… Shannon grinned. No, no, that was trying too hard. Although admitting that remembering Jess in a sexual way made her happy was definitely progress…

  “What do you have there?”

  Jess looked down at her small stack of books. “It’s the Purple section, you know? I had to swing by the religion aisles and see if they got anything new.”

  Shannon could only see the cover of the book on top of Jess’s stack. “King David: The Real Life of the Man Who Ruled Israel,” was accompanied with a dark, brooding image of a man who looked part innocent cherub, part ass-kicking warrior. “I forgot you studied religion.” To that day, it was not a subject Shannon would ever associate with a woman like Jess.

  “From a purely secular viewpoint, of course.” Jess chuckled at the cover looking back up at them. “My work project this week was writing a series of articles about David. Decided to pick up this book and see what I forgot to send my client. Not that I think the good Mr. Thompson would be interested in a more fictional account of the man.”

  “It’s a fictional book?”

  “Dunno, but that’s what all the one-star reviews said, so it must be good.”

  Shannon laughed. “I admit, I don’t know much about that stuff. We didn’t go to church growing up.”

  “Me neither. My grandma made me go to Sunday school, but when they made me change classes at six, I decided to fuck the status quo and stop going. I sure showed them.”

  “Was this before or after you knew you were gay?”

  Jess cocked her head. “I said I was six.”

  “So? Oh.” Shannon’s cheeks flushed with heat. Too bad she continued to believe some of the oldest stereotypes she held dear to her heart, like the idea that all gay people knew they were gay from the time they were born. Because if I believe any differently, I have to acknowledge that I might be a late bloomer. At least she could be honest with herself.

  Could she be honest with Jess?

  “You must be checking out those books I recommended.”

  Shannon snapped out of her fantasies. “I might be.”

  “What’s the sudden curiosity? Don’t tell me it’s because of me.”

  “Well, according to something I read, you Libras can be pretty vain. So I don’t dare suggest it’s because of you, because then…” Shannon had to stop and think for a moment. “Because then your ego will grow three sizes too big.”

  “Probably,” Jess was quick to say. “I wouldn’t hold it against me, though. We’re the most romantic assholes in the zodiac.” She blew on her nails. “I’m also Scorpio ascendant, and you know what that means, right?”

  Shannon had no idea what that meant.

  “It means we’re also the best lovers.” Jess began to walk away. “And we’re manipulative little shits.”

  Shannon watched after her. The best lovers, huh? She didn’t think she would argue. The fact she wouldn’t would’ve broken the old her.

  Then again, wasn’t she still the old her in many ways?

  “Manipulative? Are Scorpios manipulative?” she called after Jess. Half the Metaphysics aisle turned to look at them.

  “They have a bit of a reputation,” Jess called back. “It’s the combination of Libra and Scorpio that makes me a real piece of work!”

  Shannon took that as her invitation to follow Jess into the adjacent aisle. Jess ran her fingers beneath spines until she found the book she wanted.

  “Here.” A soft paperback landed in Shannon’s grasp. “This is my favorite book about romance compatibility in the zodiac.” She left her side with a wink.

  Shannon almost went after her again, but the bright purple of the book cover made her look down again.

  “How to Love a Libra.”

  If this was Jess’s way of playing hard to get, then Shannon might be gamer than ever. It helped that the more Jess toyed with walking away from her, instead of following her across Portland in the hopes of getting the chance to talk to her, the more Shannon was inclined to face her own feelings for the woman in short hair and plaid.

  And the more inclined she was to think about that one cold night senior year when things finally heated up in Shannon’s room.

  That was the kind of person who made Shannon grow and embrace new sides of herself – a person who forced her to make decisions. A person who made her follow and pursue for a change.

  She only hoped that she wasn’t falling into the same heartbreaking trap she set for Jess eight years ago.

  Chapter 13

  Jess

  The rain fell against the café window, stealing Jess’s attention from her work. The book about King David had rejuvenated the scholarly side of her, as well as her harbored dreams of writing articles about the most prominent figures in world mythology. It wasn’t often she took some time off to spend money at a café and work on passion projects. Yet as soon as she turned in the five articles to Mr. Thompson, she hit up one of downtown’s many musky coffee shops and contemplated a series of books to rival Joseph Campbell’s lectures.

  The only problem was deciding what to focus on. Would she be starting up her own blog for monetization, or submitting her articles to scholarly journals? Hell, some periodicals were more than happy to take academic articles that had been “dumbed down” for public consumption. Still, did that mean The Wall Street Journal would run a series of articles about the Real Lives (trademarked) of Biblical figures?

  Probably not. Jess needed a backup plan, like always.

  “Jezebel!” she announced rather loudly, and to the shock of everyone around her. “That’s it!” Jess huddled over her notebook, jotting down the names of every woman she could remember from at least the Old Testament. She giggled when the name Lilith appeared under its own header. This would be fun! Scholarly Biblical articles with a feminist twist! “The Real Women You Never Knew from Sunday School.” Hm. She might have to tweak that.

  She had made it to Ruth when her phone buzzed with a message. At first, Jess didn’t believe her eyes. Shannon? Really? Shannon was texting her out of the blue, let alone in the middle of the day? She didn’t have a job, did she? Oh, right. She’s a photographer. Her hours were as erratic and unpredictable as Jess’s.

  “What are you up to? Are you in the area?”

  Jess’s eyes crossed as she attempted to decipher that message. “Around what area?”

  “Dunno. Downtown? Northwest?”

  “I’m downtown. Why?”

  She waited for a few seconds before putting her phone down. There were names to jot, and this wasn’t college – she wasn’t a slave to waiting with bated breath for Shannon to talk t
o her again.

  But that’s how the universe worked, wasn’t it? Whenever Jess stopped wanting something, it fell into her lap. If only she knew that was the trick to getting Shannon to be her girlfriend ten years ago.

  “Oh! I’m around downtown as well! What café?”

  Seriously? She wanted to come join Jess? What year was this? What dimension was this? All right, what’s her fucking game? Where’s the pie about to fly at my face? Jess didn’t have the patience for this.

  Ten minutes later – after a streetcar suspiciously came and went outside – Shannon appeared, waving at Jess through the window. Jess pulled her backpack out of the chair at her table and waited for the woman who once had the power to steal her breath away come storming in.

  “Hey! Not interrupting you, am I?”

  Jess looked her up and down. Jeans and a turtleneck. How photographer of her. No, seriously, what does she want? The friendlier Shannon became, the warier Jess grew. “If I were too busy to say hello to you, I wouldn’t have told you where I was.”

  Shannon plopped down in the empty seat. “That looks like work, though.” She pointed to the stack of notebooks and the pencil case opened beside Jess’s laptop.

  Shrugging, Jess lowered her laptop lid and closed the notebook. “It’s actually hobby work. I finished my work for the day and am goofing off.”

  “Dare I ask what your hobby is?”

  That made Jess’s nose twitch. “I’m contemplating writing a series of articles about the women from the Bible.”

  “For fun?”

  “Yes.” She closed her pencil case with finality. “For fun.”

  “I’m not sure I could name five women from the Bible. Besides Eve and Mary, I guess.”

  “To think, there were two prominent Marys.”

  “Oooh, right. The virgin and the whore!”

  The same people who had jumped at Jess’s outburst earlier now glared at Shannon, but she was too distracted to notice. “Yeah, that’s how the Church portrays them in Canon,” Jess said. “But the historical truth might be quite different. Assuming they existed.”