‘We did things friends don’t do,’ said Emily eventually.
‘Yup. That sounds about right as far as cliche’s go. Welcome, you’re an honorary one of us now.’
‘It sucks.’
‘More than anything.’
‘She wants to be friends,’ said Emily after another long pause. She said it as if she were trying out the idea and it didn’t entirely fit like a shoe that was too small. Her shoulders fell. ‘I don’t know if I can.’
‘I take it back,’ said Kate. ‘You aren’t the lucky one. I don’t have to see my ex after tonight. But it doesn’t sound like you’re quiet out of dangerous waters yet with this girl’
‘The thing is,’ said Emily lowly, ‘I know its toxic. I know I deserve better. I need more than she can give me. There has to be more to loving someone than constantly questioning – constantly questioning it, them, me. It feels like whenever I’m with her, whenever I think we’re on solid ground and about to go somewhere good, it’s all a lie and it’s just quicksand in the end, and I’m the only one that ends up drowning.’
And Kate, because she was good at this sort of thing, could only offer, ‘That sounds intense.’
‘Yeah,’ Emily laughed disbelieving. ‘It is. Or, well, it was.’
The two girls sat in silence then. Not awkward or oppressive. But not comfortable either.
The other two people – Kate hadn’t bother with learning their names and they hadn’t offered them – left after a while but locked the door as they left. Kate liked them a little bit more for that.
‘Are you going to take her up on it?’ asked Kate. She slid over to the other side of the bath so they were opposite each other.
Emily didn’t answer right away. She broke her staring contest with the ceiling and looked Kate in the eye. She laughed derisively, ‘You know what? She gave me a bible when she called off whatever it was we were.’
‘Oh fuck.’ Kate swallowed. Damn. She thought her breakup was something. But that was a whole other level. You couldn’t compete with something like that. Kate had to compete with a person – just a man. Not with religion. That was just one mountain you couldn’t climb for someone – that one was on them.
‘Her loss,’ said Kate with a deep sigh. She wanted to make some sort of witty quip. Wanted to diffuse the tension. But that was some deep trauma – the sort you couldn’t just laugh away. That was therapy worthy stuff. ‘You’re better off without her for what it’s worth. I think you are anyway if you want a stranger’s opinion.’
Emily did laugh. It was a humorless fragile thing that bounced around the walls of the bathroom and was beaten to death by the loud beat of whatever rave music was being played downstairs.
‘You don’t have to be gay,’ said Kate, ‘to like girls. It’s not like gay and straight are binary option. And besides, labels are overrated. Just be you – doesn’t matter who you like.’
‘And what are you?’ asked Emily.
‘I am whatever I am. Maybe, someday, I’ll put a label on it – maybe someday I’ll feel the need to. Maybe someday a label will help me. But I’ll have to figure out where I fall on spectrum first, and I don’t know if that’s exactly settled yet. I’m just somewhere in between and its constantly moving between the two ends, constantly shifting, never quite the same.’ This was not at all how she had seen the night going. Kate shrugged, and felt the need to add, ‘But that doesn’t mean it’s the same for you. If a label helps all the more power to you. Label away. Just don’t feel like there’s a rush to figure shit out. No one has. Or at least no one I’ve met has.’
Emily said nothing. And that unnerved Kate more than she cared to admit, especially after her rambling spiel. Kate pushed herself up and sat properly. She might as well learn more about the girl, more than Bryan had told her, because Kate was certain half of it couldn’t be true – no one was that perfect. And because this was probably going to be the highlight of her evening anyway. ‘How old are you?’
‘You haven’t even asked my name, yet’ teased Emily. Her impish smile was back. And her melancholy and preoccupation with her friend seemed to be shelved for the moment. Good, thought Kate, there’s only enough space in this bath for one miserable person, and Kate had that cornered that market. But if she were being honest, which, at the moment, she was not inclined to be in the slightest, she would’ve admitted to herself that she wasn’t having the worst time.
Kate could’ve told her she knew her name. Knew who she was. But she had a feeling that wasn’t entirely true. She only knew who Emily was to Bryan. It wasn’t going to do anyone any harm, she reasoned, Emily not knowing for a little while longer.
‘You haven’t asked for mine.’
‘I’m twenty,’ said Emily instead.
‘Yeah,’ said Kate, ‘I didn’t have anything figured out when I was twenty.’
‘How old are you?’
‘Twenty-one.’ Kate though she was rather clever. She was rather proud of herself for that one.
‘Because a year makes all the difference.’ Emily sat up then and seemed, to Kate’s untrained eye, to not be entirely loathing her company. That was a win in Kate’s books.
‘It was a very formative year.’
‘I would kill for one of those.’
‘Teenage angst wasn’t enough for you, was it? Besides it’s not as if anyone’s stopping you – you’re free. This is probably the most free we’re ever going to be. If you want to do something now’s the time.’
‘It’s that simple?’ Emily didn’t sound convinced. She had a sort of faraway look in her eye again and she fiddled with her near empty bottle.
So distracted was Kate that she didn’t even notice Emily move. Kate was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice Emily’s sudden proximity to her. Kate was so stuck in her own head that Emily’s next move seemed to Kate to come straight out of the blue. She just sat there dumbly stunned with eyes wide open.
‘Can I kiss you?’
‘Yeah.’ Kate nodded.
She could feel the other girl’s mouth on hers. So dumbstruck was Kate that she didn’t respond for what felt like the longest minute of her life. It still didn’t seem real.
Fuck. Shit. Right. This is really fucking happening, thought Kate. Get a grip. There’s a pretty girl kissing you and you’re too in your head to even enjoy it. But enjoy it she did. Kate pulled herself together and let her hands drift. She pulled Emily into her lap and kissed her back. It was slow languid sort of kiss, and Kate savored the feel of the other girl and the taste of her mouth. She savored the feel of her curves under her hands. She teased Emily’s bottom lip then and pulled at it gently with her teeth.
Emily groaned. Kate felt pressure build in her stomach, and lower. She let her hands drift lower. This was not at all how she had seen the night going. It was better than anything she could’ve imagined. Emily’s hands were on her face and then in her hair and then on her neck, and frankly, Kate loved every second of it. The other girl couldn’t seem to keep her hands still, and they seemed to explore Kate’s body of their own accord.
Kate let out a gasp when Emily pressed impossibly closer. She hadn’t made out in a bathroom since high school. And all coherent thought escaped her. There was something about it that just turned her on.
Emily’s hands went down, and Kate could feel them still over her chest. She could feel Emily still, and so Kate let go of Emily and ran her hands through her hair as she sat back and stared. Emily’s breaths were shallow and ragged. Kate was glad it wasn’t just her that go worked up. That was a relief.
‘Shit,’ said Kate lowly trying to get control of her breathing. ‘That was—’
Emily’s phone vibrated and chimed. Loud and obnoxious and unwelcome. Emily looked like a deer caught in headlights.
Emily pulled it out. Her screen shone bright and Kate watched as read a text message.
‘I’ve got to go.’ Emily scrambled off of Kate and out of the bath so quickly it was as if Kate had shocked her.
She didn’t look at Kate. And Kate couldn’t do anything but stare at Emily’s lips and how they looked red and swollen and far too kissable for her own good.
Emily left in a rush and all Kate could do was stare. She tried let her mind play catch up. To say she was dazed would be an understatement. Did that really just happen? Did Emily really just run away? A part of her wanted to call out and make sure the other girl was alright. But another part of her knew that was probably the last thing she wanted. Someone didn’t just run out if they wanted to talk to you. No, people did that when they wanted to get away from you. And Kate was not going to chase after a girl she’d just met. No matter how good of a kisser she was.
Did she do that, wondered Kate, with her friend? Cause she was fucking good at it. How did you turn a girl down that kissed like that? There really was no accounting for taste.
Two
Water Trouble
The water on Kate’s floor was out. She’d found out on the floor group chat which for once had come in handy. Something about maintenance and boilers and that odd rusty brown color that came out of the shower for the first five seconds after you turned it on. It threw a wrench in her plans. The thing about Kate, and there were many, many, things, was this: she liked a routine. And, for the past two years, her routine had meant she showered just after ten in the morning, because that’s when the showers were free.
It was rough sharing a bathroom with ten girls. They’d had a schedule in the during the first few weeks of college. It hadn’t lasted. Kate hadn’t had any part in setting up the schedule but had rather hoped it would work. It hadn’t and ever since Kate and hope hadn’t really got on.
But she couldn’t shower with maintenance trying to fix them. So, trying to stick to her own schedule, Kate did the next best thing – she went to Bryan’s and used his. That was one of the privileges of being an RA – you got the best room, your own kitchen and as luck would have it a bathroom. A bathroom with good water pressure, a shower door that wasn’t broken, and was miraculously lacking the resident bathroom spiders Kate had grown used to.
She was tempted to never leave. But she could hear Bryan pacing outside the door and knew he’d want to use his own bathroom eventually. They’d gone to the beach to swim off their respective hangovers – or sweat it out, as Bryan had put it. But they had made it back by ten because it was summer in and that meant you were going to turn the least flattering shade of red if you stayed on said beach for more than an hour and weren’t lathered in sunscreen.
So when Bryan did knock impatiently on the bathroom door Kate was prepared. Not prepared enough to have dried her hair or put her shirt on, but she was in a sports bra so that didn’t really matter. And besides, what was modesty between friends? He’d already seen her in a bikini. It wasn’t like he was going to see something new or shocking. She wasn’t hiding a third nipple or anything like that. If anything she was covering more skin, and he should’ve been thankful for it.
‘It’s all yours,’ said Kate with a laugh. Her towel thrown over her shoulders.
‘I’ll be done in a second, and then we can grab brunch.’ Bryan closed the door behind him, and Kate was left alone in his room. So, she did what any friend would do. She snooped. And, yes, it was probably an invasion of his privacy, but she didn’t much care. He’d been trifling through her drawers when he’d found her sex toys. He hadn’t been able to look her in the eye for a week. And all Kate had asked, with a huff and no small measure of amusement, was if he was happy with himself. He had said no. Definitively and empathically it had been a no.
So, really, she was just returning the favor. And it wasn’t that invasive. Mainly she was just going through his bookshelf and tutting judgmentally at his taste. Bryan liked LitRPG, which was, perhaps, the one genre in all literature that Kate had yet to enjoy. She had tried. Truly. But no amount of pointed birthdays presets from him had swayed her as of yet. It had all just seemed … very testosterone driven. The genre had potential, sure, she just hadn’t found the book that converted her yet.
A timid knock on the door pulled her from her snooping. Kate looked over at the bathroom, and its locked door, and then at the other door where the knock had come from. She wondered, then, if she could ignore it? She’d just tell Bryan she didn’t hadn’t it over the sound of his signing. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with any of his friends.
Maybe he’d believe her? She wouldn’t bet money on that. He knew her too well.
But she was still going to try it. Kate stood still as a statue. She didn’t dare move. And she hoped that whoever it was would just go away.
They didn’t. The person knocked again and Kate grumbled under her breath.
‘Coming,’ muttered Kate. She grabbed her shirt from where she’d thrown it on Bryan’s bed and pulled it over her head as she made her way over to the door. She shook her still wet hair like she always did. It was a unconscious act – a tick or a tell – that came as naturally to her as breathing.
‘Bryan’s in the shower,’ she began, not really looking at who had knocked. That was her first mistake. She stopped dead. It wasn’t one of Bryan’s usual frat boy friends. Surprise marched onto her face, took a look around, and decided that was as good a place as any to camp out and stayed there for far longer than she would’ve liked.
‘Hi,’ said Emily who smiled even if her voice sounded off. And Kate couldn’t help but notice how pretty she looked. Like spring personified in her sundress.
‘Hi,’ breathed Kate. ‘Do you want to come in? Bryan should be out in a minute.’
Emily nodded and walked past her and into the room. Kate ran her hand through her hair and closed the door with a gentle thud. She hadn’t thought she’d see Emily again. Least of all like this. It had been a week since the party. A week since that kiss. A week where Kate had tried her darnedest to think of anything beside it. But everything, in the end, came back to that damned kiss and the girl with the blond hair and a clever smile that she couldn’t get out of her head.
When she went out for the odd meal with Jenny and Iuan? She thought of Emily and her laugh. Of how her lips were berry red. Of the dimple in her cheek when she smiled.
She had gone on a date. Just the one in the week since the party. It hadn’t been a good one. She’d gone out with a guy. A nice enough master’s student. They’d grabbed coffee. Kate liked coffee. Loved it. But she couldn’t help but think she would’ve liked it more if Emily had gone with her.
Even late at night she thought of Emily when she had no reason to. It was a crush. Kate knew the signs. She was self-aware enough to know she was infatuated with the other girl. A girl she barely knew. Who she’d only spoken to once in her life. And yet, despite all rhyme and reason she couldn’t not think of her. Pine away. That was her modus operandi … God she was an idiot. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And what the heart wanted was sat on Bryan’s sofa.
Emily sat primly, hands clasped on her knees, careful to avoid the clothes that had formed a rather worryingly large pile on one end of Bryan’s sofa. A pile that threatened to topple over at any second. Kate stood awkwardly in between the kitchen and Bryan’s half-lounge half-study not exactly brave enough to bridge the gap and join Emily. Not when she was eyeing her like that. Not when her lips were pursed and she seemed to be fighting a frown. It was a losing battle.
And not for the first time – or the last time – did Kate curse her inability to talk to women she was attracted to like a goddamn normal person. Now that she was sober the task was more daunting than she cared to admit. It wasn’t something that ever fazed her guys.
‘How do you know Bryan?’ asked Emily. She was doing a good job of looking anywhere but at Kate. The walls, apparently, were fascinating.
‘We were neighbors.’ Kate made no attempt to hide her confusion. Things hadn’t felt so forced between them last week. Things had felt … pleasant. She would’ve even gone so far as to say comfortable. And, frankly, Kate wasn’t exactly sure what to make of the change. Su
rely they would talk about what had happened? That would make sense. It would be the right thing to do. The smart thing. Clear the air and make sure there was no misunderstandings between them. Kate should’ve done that. She wasn’t not smart. But Kate didn’t do the smart thing. Instead she kept talking as if nothing was amiss. ‘When we were kids, for the longest time. We even went to the same schools.’
‘Oh,’ said Emily. She said it quietly. Lowly. And appeared to find her nails the most interesting thing in the room.
Kate shuffled and leaned against the wall. Bryan needed to finish. And he needed to finish now. But, since he wasn’t coming to her rescue her and the silence that hung between them kept growing more and more awkward every second it lasted, she kept talking. ‘Sorry, for the wait.’ Kate gestured at her still wet hair and shrugged as she said, ‘I hogged the shower.’
Emily tensed. And Kate couldn’t help but wonder what it was that she had done to make things this … stilted. It was definitely something she’d done. It always was. She just wasn’t entirely sure what yet. And it didn’t seem like Emil was going to enlighten her anytime soon.
‘That’s nice,’ said Emily. Her words were pleasant. So why then did Kate feel as if it physically pained Emily to say them? Then it hit her. Maybe Bryan had made his move. And here she was interrupting. Emily was probably nervous. God she was an idiot.
Kate tried to be disarming. She tried to be charming. What do you say to someone who you kissed who wasn’t interested in you? It was time to find out. ‘Yeah, it was great. He’s a really good guy, you know? Anyone would be lucky to have him.’
Emily laughed. It sounded hollow. And Kate couldn’t look away as she tucked her hair behind her ear. The other girl looked ready to say something—
But Bryan stopped her when he exited the bathroom. His towel was wrapped around his waist. He didn’t noticed Emily at first. ‘Kate, have you seen the clothes I was wearing—’
More Than Friends Page 4
