Beatrix the Bold and the Riddletown Dragon

by Simon Mockler

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Prologue

  1. The Map

  2. Beatrix the Boy

  3. Esmerelda the Terrible and General Burpintime

  4. A Cross-eyed Present

  5. The Journey Begins

  6. Wilfred’s Amazing Magic Trick

  7. Martin the Murderous Mulls over a Magic Trick

  8. Riddletown

  9. The Riddletown Dragon

  10. Be Good or Be Gone!

  11. Beatrix Goes for a Swim

  12. How to Catch a Dragon

  13. Everyone Gets Splatted

  14. Peas and Marshmallows

  15. Wilfred and Oi’s Big Mistake

  16. The Truth About Dragons

  17. Beatrix’s Amazing Magic Trick

  18. The Vanishing Footprints

  19. The Tunnel under the Mountain

  20. A Very Short Chapter (with a very long title) in which Martin the Murderous Draws a beard on Beatrix the Bold

  21. Vice President of Spying and Extreme Danger

  22. The Worst Soup in the World (and that’s including sprout soup. And sprout slushy, which is a sort of soup)

  23. General Burpintime Gets Mad

  24. The Great Escape

  25. Into the River

  26. Help Is On Its Way

  27. Back to Riddletown

  28. The End (well, almost)

  29. One Last Magic Trick

  How to Draw a Dragon

  Quiz

  How to Make Sprout Soup

  Acknowledgements

  Don’t miss Beatrix’s next adventures in Beatrix the Bold and the Balloon of Doom!

  Copyright

  For Penelope and Louis

  Prologue

  Ladies and gentlemen, mums and dads, boys and girls, little brothers and older sisters, small pets, large pets, dogs, hamsters, cats and cross-eyed pigeons, welcome to the second story in the life of young Queen Beatrix. For those of you who haven’t read the first book, I’ll tell you quickly what happened. If you’ve read the first book, please feel free to skip this bit. Although if you do, you will miss a very good joke about carrots which wasn’t actually in the first book, so if you like jokes, or if you just like carrots, you should have a read.

  Right, here we go.

  There was a young queen called Beatrix but she didn’t know she was a queen and she lived in secret in a palace with her Aunt Esmerelda and Uncle Ivan. Her aunt was mean and her uncle didn’t like children or jokes, so when Beatrix said things like, ‘What did one snowman say to the other snowman? … Can you smell carrots?’ he’d throw a knife at the wall. Once it very nearly hit Esmerelda and would have killed her stone dead if she hadn’t ducked to pick up a shiny gold coin she’d just seen on the floor.

  It wouldn’t have mattered too much if he had killed her because Esmerelda was incredibly evil and actually it might have saved a lot of trouble for poor Beatrix, but it would have been a completely different story, with a different name (probably something like The World’s Deadliest Joke), and Uncle Ivan would have ended up in prison, but none of that happened.

  What did happen was that Esmerelda told the Evil Army from Beyond the Woods to kidnap Beatrix so that she would get lots and lots of gold, but Beatrix defeated the army with the help of her friends disguised as Wobblers.

  What’s a Wobbler? Wobblers are mythical creatures that hide in the woods and gobble up children. They’re mean. They’re dangerous. They’re angry. That’s why the Evil Army ran away when they saw Beatrix and her friends disguised as them. What else happened in the first book? Oh yes, Beatrix met Oi the boy and Dog the dog and discovered that her mother and father had sent her to live with her aunt and uncle because of a curse. Beatrix didn’t believe in things like curses, but she did want to find her parents. In fact, that’s exactly what she is about to do – today, this very instant. She’s just waiting for Wilfred the Wise to find the map that shows the way, then she’s going to pack her bags and get ready for the journey, a journey so dangerous she’ll need a disguise, some magic tricks and at least three spare pairs of underpants.

  1

  The Map

  It was early morning in the middle of January and the air was as cold and crisp as a – well, as a cheese and onion crisp. The golden palace at the end of Numb Butt Lane was covered in a layer of soft white snow that looked like melted marshmallow. In the kitchens the cooks were baking a fresh batch of fartinpants to warm everyone up and the hot fires sent thick, smoky burps through the chimneys into the bright blue sky.

  Deep in the tunnels under the palace, Wilfred the Wise was searching through dusty boxes for a map, a map that showed the way to the castle Beatrix’s mother and father lived in. He was sure it was there somewhere, because he’d put it in the box that held all his magic tricks many years ago, on the very night the young queen had arrived at the palace. Problem was, he couldn’t find the box. He had found three dusty gobstoppers, a tiny jumping frog from a Christmas cracker and seven foreign coins, but he hadn’t found the map.

  He was down to his last half a candle when he finally found the box he wanted. He opened it. There, underneath a pair of very large magician’s underpants with seven hidden compartments, was a scroll of thick parchment.

  He unrolled it and looked at the route they needed to take. His hands were trembling. You could see the badly-drawn Wobblers in the spooky woods. You could see the Evil Army’s castle. You could see the river that flowed fast from the high mountains. He drew a deep breath. Just looking at the map made him feel nervous.

  Outside in the palace courtyard, Queen Beatrix and Oi the boy were wrapped up in furs and making the most of the snow.

  ‘How much longer do you think Wilfred will be?’ Oi said.

  ‘Who knows? There are a lot of secret passages under the palace. He’s got a lot of places to look. Right, there we go,’ Beatrix said, adding the final touches to her snowman. It was most impressive. A snow soldier – complete with shield, helmet and some old clothes she’d borrowed from Uncle Ivan. She stood back to have a look at her work.

  ‘Well,’ she said. ‘I think that looks pretty good. Even if I do say so myself.’

  ‘Not bad,’ Oi said. ‘Not bad at all. Of course, a snow soldier is really just for beginners.’

  ‘Beginners?’ Beatrix said, surprised. ‘No it’s not. It’s very difficult to make a snowman look like a vicious soldier. And this one looks almost as vicious as Uncle Ivan.’

  ‘That’s because you’ve used his clothes and armour. For a real challenge, to show you’re a real master of snow sculpture, you should try to make these.’ Oi pointed at a wooden log with some snow on it.

  ‘Ta-dah!’ he said, smiling like a magician who’s just made a tiger disappear.

  ‘You made a log?’ Beatrix said, staring at the log.

  ‘Not the log. Look at what’s on top of it,’ he said. Beatrix stared. She still couldn’t see anything except a few snowy dots.

  ‘I don’t get it,’ she said, starting to feel a little impatient and rather cold. Every so often she got a waft of fresh fartinpants from the kitchens and it made her tummy rumble.

  ‘Look. There. On the log. Snow ants.’ He pointed at the trail of tiny dots on the log. ‘You see, anyone can make a great big snowman – the real skill is making something tiny.’

  Beatrix stared at him, not sure if he was joking. She knelt down and looked at the tiny snow balls arranged neatly on the log. Each one was no bigger than half a jelly bean.

  ‘Snow ants are much harder to make than snowmen,’ said Oi. ‘My brothers always said snowmen were too easy and I was the
best at making snow ants.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Beatrix. ‘These were the same brothers who told you to guard a field of mud, weren’t they?’

  Oi shrugged. ‘Look at this …’ He used a leaf to scoop up a snow ant. It had blades of grass for its legs, two threads of moss for its antennae and a teeny tiny smile he’d made by pressing his little fingernail gently into its head.

  ‘That’s pretty good,’ Beatrix said. ‘Actually, I think I can say it’s the best snow ant I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s certainly the first snow ant I’ve ever seen.’

  ‘BEATRIX!!!’

  They both ducked. It was Uncle Ivan. There was something about his booming voice that made you duck whenever you heard it.

  ‘WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!! WHERE’S MY ARMOUR??!!!’

  His voice echoed round the courtyard. Two icicles that were hanging from the roof broke off and smashed to the ground.

  ‘Oh dear,’ Beatrix said quietly. ‘He sounds extremely grumpy.’

  Uncle Ivan stormed down the palace steps into the courtyard. Even though he was wearing pyjamas and a dressing gown, he still had one of his knives tucked into his belt. His hand was hovering over the handle, which was never a good sign.

  ‘WHY IS THAT SNOWMAN WEARING MY CLOTHES??!!’

  Beatrix really wanted to say, Because he’s cold, but she didn’t. Instead she said: ‘Sorry, Uncle Ivan. They were lying on the floor outside your room and looked quite old and were a little bit, er, well, a little bit stinky. I thought you’d thrown them away.’

  ‘They’re not old and they don’t smell!’ Ivan bellowed. ‘I had a bath a month ago and I put on a new pair of underpants just before we fought the Evil Army last year. Surely you know that’s my favourite outfit.’ Ivan’s fists were clenched. He pulled back his arm, as if he was about to punch the poor snowman in the head, when something made him stop suddenly.

  ‘Ooh, look at these snow ants,’ he said, bending down and looking at the log. ‘Very fine detailing. Who did these?’

  ‘I did,’ Oi replied.

  ‘Well done, Oi – I haven’t seen skill like this before. Quite remarkable. You could learn a thing or two here, young Beatrix. Now, let’s get inside. Wilfred has found the map.’

  2

  Beatrix the Boy

  Wilfred the Wise, Oi the boy, Dog the dog and Beatrix the Bold sat round the enormous table in the palace dining room. Ivan the Vicious was still in his pyjamas, and stood in front of the fireplace, munching on a fartinpant. Wilfred had placed the map in the centre of the table so they could all see it.

  ‘Right,’ Wilfred said. ‘This will show us the way to your parents’ castle in Beluga, Beatrix. It’s a very dangerous journey. There are two ways to get there – one is by sailing over the Sea of Sinking Ships; the other is over land, crossing the mountains. If we go by ship it’ll be faster, but the ship may well sink and we might all drown. I wouldn’t recommend it. The route through the mountains is also dangerous, and we’d have to complete it in two weeks – before the ice thaws and the avalanches start – but we definitely won’t drown. So, on balance, given the risk of drowning versus the risk of avalanches, I’d suggest we cross the mountains.’

  Beatrix looked at the map.

  ‘There’s not much information, is there?’ she said. ‘There are a lot of warning signs. Some fields. But other than that it’s just arrows and some very simple drawings of flowers. And what looks like a big bar of chocolate over here. Where’s the danger?’ she said.

  ‘Hang on,’ Wilfred replied. ‘You’re looking at it upside down.’ He spun the map around. ‘These flowers are supposed to be Wobblers that live in the woods. I agree they’re not very good drawings of Wobblers, but then no one really knows what a Wobbler looks like, do they?’

  He dipped his quill in ink and drew a snout and some sharp teeth onto the Wobblers.

  ‘There. That’s better,’ he said. ‘The thing that looks like a big bar of chocolate is actually General Burpintime’s castle. The Evil Army still want to capture you. They think you’re going to take over their kingdom and destroy them. And Esmerelda will want revenge. She doesn’t have any gold any more, and that’s going to make her angry. Extremely angry. Who knows, maybe she’s already teamed up with General Burpintime.’

  Uncle Ivan’s face grew red as he heard this, and before you could say, Don’t throw a knife at the wall, it’ll only make a hole in the wood, he’d thrown a knife at the wall and split the wood panelling.

  ‘Well, we’ll have the perfect disguise,’ said Beatrix. ‘A family of travelling magicians on our way to Beluga. With your tricks, and with me and Oi as your assistants, no one will suspect a thing. What else do we need to watch out for? It looks like there’s a drawing of something here, by the bend in the river. It’s a bit smudgy, but it looks like …’ She spun the map around. ‘A snake that’s eaten a Christmas tree?’

  ‘Can’t be,’ Wilfred replied. ‘There are no snakes that far north, it’s too cold.’ He frowned. ‘I think it’s the ancient symbol for a dragon,’ he said. ‘Now, why would they have drawn a dragon here?’ He stroked his beard. ‘I feel like I should know the answer to this one … no. It’s gone. Oh well, if you can’t remember something, then it’s probably not important, as my old headmaster used to say. At least I think he said that. I can’t remember. What is important, is that we have some good disguises to stop anyone recognising us, and of course I need to teach you and Oi some basic magic so you can help me with any tricks we need to perform.’

  ‘You’re sure there’s no dragon?’ Oi said.

  ‘One hundred per cent sure – because dragons don’t actually exist. Right, who wants to try on disguises and learn some magic?’

  ‘I do!’ Beatrix said. ‘Let’s go to the story room – it has all sorts of costumes.’

  Beatrix, Oi and Wilfred rummaged through cupboards in the story room, looking for costumes and props they could use as disguises.

  ‘I’m going to dress up as a boy,’ Beatrix said, pulling out a cape and a pair of baggy trousers.

  ‘I am a boy,’ she said in a deep voice. Then again, in a slightly lower voice, ‘I am a boy.’

  ‘Um, boys don’t go round saying, I am a boy,’ Oi said. ‘Because, you know, they already are boys.’

  ‘Of course I know that! If I was a boy I’d say things like, Kissing is gross and Would you rather have a pet T-Rex or a pet crocodile?’

  ‘What’s this?’ Wilfred said, pulling what looked like a squirrel’s tail out of the chest.

  ‘A fake beard!’ said Beatrix. ‘I’m definitely trying this on.’ She hooked the beard around her ears, and pressed it onto her chin.

  ‘How do I look?’ she said, once again using her deepest voice. She placed her hands on her hips.

  ‘I think that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,’ Oi replied.

  ‘You certainly don’t look like Beatrix the Bold any more,’ Wilfred said. He took a pointy hat from the chest and gave it to her. Beatrix put it on, and stuffed a pillow under her tunic so she had a big belly.

  ‘I’m Fernando the Fantastic,’ she said, swirling her cape. The hat fell off. ‘I think I’ll save this one for emergencies. The beard is very itchy.’

  Oi put on a fake nose. ‘And I am the boy with the unbelievable sense of smell. So strong he can sniff out a sprout from half a mile away. Then run half a mile in the opposite direction. They call me Norman the Nose.’

  Wilfred looked through the chest.

  ‘Shall I just be Wilfred the Wise? It’s not like anyone is looking for me. And I’m already a magician.’

  ‘You should at least have a different name,’ said Beatrix. ‘How about …’

  ‘Bob!’ Oi said.

  ‘Bob the Magician?’ Wilfred stroked his beard. ‘I suppose it’ll be easy to remember. You can be Norman; I’ll be Bob; Beatrix, how about we call you …’

  ‘Harry?’ Beatrix suggested. ‘It’s a great name for someone who’s training to be a magician.’

  �
��Harry?’ Wilfred repeated. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met a magician called Harry.’

  ‘I’ll be the first, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. If I talk in a deep voice, wear those funny trousers and keep a hat on over my hair no one will know I’m a girl.’

  ‘Well, technically you should have a bit more mud on you,’ Oi said. ‘But basically, that’s all there is to it. Trousers, hat, mud, talking boy stuff and – boom, you’re a boy.’

  Once they had chosen their disguises, Wilfred opened his box of magic tricks. He showed them how to make a coin go through a plate, how to hide cards up your sleeve, and even how to escape from chains using a special padlock with a secret button hidden underneath. Beatrix and Oi practised the tricks, then they packed everything away in a big wooden box, ready to load onto the cart.

  It was a lot of fun, but Beatrix couldn’t help thinking that the only reason they needed the tricks and the disguises was because the Evil Army would be looking for her. It wouldn’t be as much fun performing the tricks if their lives depended on it.

  3

  Esmerelda the Terrible and General Burpintime

  Wilfred the Wise was right when he said that Esmerelda was probably up to something already, and he was right when he said she was probably up to that something with General Burpintime.

  If you’ve read the first book, you’ll already know quite a lot about Queen Beatrix’s aunt, Esmerelda the Terrible. You’ll know that she ran away from the palace once her plan to get the Evil Army to kidnap Queen Beatrix had failed. You’ll know that she loved gold, and that she was mostly incredibly mean, but was occasionally kind, which made her meanness all the more confusing.

  Whilst Oi, Wilfred and Beatrix were getting ready to start their journey, Esmerelda the Terrible was sitting opposite General Burpintime in the dining hall of his castle. It had taken her three days to get there. She’d had to steal a horse, climb a mountain and run away from a very angry cat.