Down & Dirty_Romantic Suspense Series

by AJ Nuest

  “Yeah, yeah.” Eyes on her phone, Tanner scrolled through the photos, trashing the ones that were out of focus, selecting and saving those she thought were the cream of the crop.

  One helluva difficult job, considering the subject matter.

  The grating rasp of a zipper came from behind her as she studied the first in the series, swiping her middle finger and thumb over the picture to enlarge and center the right side of Ben’s bruised ribs in the frame.

  All due respect to God’s gift to women, but that tattoo was just plain weird. Nothing but numbers, ten per line. Bringing her cell closer, she counted down the rows. Eight lines in total.

  She frowned. Looked like an off-kilter Sudoku puzzle to her.

  Plastic crinkled. A set of large, warm hands grabbed either side of her thighs and slid her closer to the pillows. She lowered her cell, lips pursed as the stack of leather cords tied around Ben’s wrist snagged her attention near the bottom right-hand corner of the screen.

  Adjusting the photo, she zoomed in a second time and counted yet again. Ten. Ten leather cords and eight numbers.

  Something wasn’t adding up. She bit the inside of her cheek. Unless, of course, those cords were meant as nothing more than decoration.

  The thing was, she’d noticed Eden’s fiancé, Kelly, also wore a series of leather cords tied around his wrist, and neither of those guys seemed the type to do things without purpose. The only difference was, where Ben had ten, Kelly had three.

  The stretchy waistband of her yoga pants was eased down her hip, and Tanner wrinkled her nose as Ben picked at a corner of the tape and bikini waxed her rump in one skin stinging rip.

  Geez, removing the bandage hurt worse than when she’d been shot. “Hey, what’s the significance of this tattoo on your ribs?”

  Silence. So stark, he’d apparently quit breathing.

  Dammit. Bracing against whatever she might find, Tanner risked a glance over her shoulder. Accident or not, she didn’t need to flip back through the pages to know she’d just plucked a nerve.

  Ben’s focus remained on the kit, a wad of gauze fisted in his fingers. He slowly lifted his gaze to hers and she flinched.

  No, not just a nerve. She’d hit on something much, much worse.

  Panic trickled into her chest. She tightened her grip on her phone. She’d seen that pain in his eyes before. Within the flickering light of the fire last night, when he’d been talking about his sister and mom.

  But this was different. Deeper and more brutal than the norm.

  Her thoughts scrambled as she searched his face, hoping against hope she’d gotten it all wrong. No. The fear coalesced into an aching ball that threatened to cut off her airway, and she quickly faced forward to hide the way her eyes stung.

  Ten cords. One for his mother, one for his sister…

  Which left eight unaccounted for. Eight more goodbyes.

  “What do those numbers mean, Ben?” There was no way he’d lost that many. A tear tumbled and spilled down her cheek. She gritted her teeth to contain a sob. “Ben, tell me what they mean.”

  “They’re Department of Defense ID numbers.”

  She clamped her hand over her mouth. Tears trickled past her fingers as she shook her head. No, dammit. This was too much. It was just too goddamn much.

  There had been others. She’d guessed that very thing last night. Lowering her chin, she squeezed her lids shut. Hell, the second she’d read the heartache in his eyes, she’d known the repeated loss of those he’d loved had turned him into the distant, irritable man he’d become.

  But she’d also been around the globe enough times to know DoD numbers were issued to soldiers. Stamped on their papers and worn on their dog tags in case their ruined bodies needed to be ID’d.

  She moved her trembling hand to her forehead and the sob she’d been trying to hold back cracked from her chest. Eight brothers in combat. Eight friends Ben had lost under the most hellish circumstances anyone could face. And he’d gone the distance to show his respect by memorializing every single one on his body.

  God, life was unfair. No wonder he’d grown so angry. So bitter and closed off. Exactly how much grief was one man supposed to take?

  “Don’t.” He scooped her off the bed, rearranging her arms and legs until she sat cradled on his lap. Fingers tangled in her hair, he brought her cheek to his chest and pressed a fierce kiss to the top of her head. “Don’t feel sorry for me, Tanner. It was my fault they died.”

  A fresh swell of tears hit her cheeks, and she held her balled hand against her lips. Of course, he would think that. Of course, he would.

  But he didn’t understand. Death couldn’t be bargained with. It didn’t hang around, looking to assign blame.

  Death was devious. A thief that arrived out of nowhere in the middle of the night, picking and choosing its victims whenever and however it damn well pleased. “I don’t…believe you.”

  His chest lifted and his deep exhalation washed past her ear. “There was a girl.”

  She wrenched back from him so fast his arms fell, one at her hips and the other lying crosswise on her thighs. How was it even possible those four simple words could make things go from horrifyingly bad to worse?

  A woman. Tanner rubbed at the headache blooming like a dense fog between her brows. One who’d been killed in the line of duty. A death Ben held himself accountable for to this day.

  Huffing an anemic laugh, she swiped at her cheeks even as more tears raced toward her chin. And for him to use that phrase conveyed a meaning that absolutely needed no further explanation. “You were in love with her.”

  God, she was dumb. Once again, everything she’d learned about the guy shifted in a way that made sense. Mother, sister…now lover. Everywhere he’d turned, Ben had been dealt the same heartbreaking loss. Over and over throughout his whole life, as if caring for anyone meant he was automatically handing them a death sentence.

  “I was, yes.” He scrubbed his thumb and index finger across his eyelids. Raked his fingers through his damp hair. “But it wasn’t like…”

  What? She stared at him, trying to ignore the stupid green-eyed monster that came along and rapped a hard knuckle on her heart. Winning the love of a man like Ben ranked right up there with choosing all seven numbers on some emotional Power Ball Lotto ticket. Any woman would be damn lucky to take home that prize.

  But competing with a ghost? Someone he’d loved who’d made the ultimate sacrifice for her country? Yeah, she might be a little slow on the uptake, but Tanner wasn’t foolish enough to believe she’d ever live up to the what ifs or could’ve beens piggybacking on that ride.

  “After my sister’s accident, I turned to the Army for help just like I had when my mom died.” Arm bent to grip his nape, Ben tipped his head back and rested it against the headboard, and Tanner stayed riveted to his face but didn’t speak.

  This was the real story. The one she’d been waiting on and couldn’t bring herself to interrupt. As difficult as saying goodbye to his mother and sister had been, finding someone to love only to have them ripped from his grasp had been the final tipping point that had shaped Ben into the man Tanner had met just three short months ago. Good grief, after learning what had led him there in the first place, it was amazing the guy had clawed his way back to being a contributing member of society at all.

  “Once I got through ranger training, I was asked to head up a squad of Black Ops Infantry.” He peeked at her through his lowered lashes. “Real bad asses, these guys. No connections to the outside world. Their only family, the Corps, like me. We were dispatched under an advanced covert division of the US Government, and while each of us was fully prepared to serve, we also understood we’d be navigating under a wide umbrella of deniability. If things ever went tits up and we got captured or shot, no one would come looking to claim we existed.”

  Well, for God’s sake. Why in the hell would he ever do something so dangerous?

  Tanner slumped at the same time she clamped her big mouth
shut. Then again, who was she to argue his choices? In many ways, her years before joining Dirty Deeds were a mirror image of Ben’s time in service, and if there was anyone who could relate to repeatedly defying death as an escape from reality, God knew, that person was her.

  “Of the eight soldiers under my command, I was assigned one woman. Her name was Felicity Keller, put in place as part of a provisional tactic to pave the way for other female rangers. See how they would handle the rigors of combat and if having them on the team would cause any tension. As the leader, I felt it was my job to watch out for her. Make sure she didn’t take any flack from rest of the guys. Over time, we got close. Really close. But neither of us was looking to break the rules and…” Ben narrowed his gaze, studying the ceiling as if his memories were somehow being displayed on the drywall. “The pressure under those conditions is different. Wired in a way that tends to make everything more intense. We were on our own for the most part, and while City and I eventually talked about trying after we got out, we also knew there was every chance our feelings would change once we landed back stateside.”

  Right, but that wasn’t the point. Lowering her attention to the warmth of his arm on her thighs, Tanner reached over and fingered the leather reminders on his wrist. For him to even consider planning a future with someone in the midst of those God-awful circumstances was what made Ben special. Was what made him dear. And was one-hundred percent, hands down substantiated proof of his enormous capacity to love.

  Lifting his head, he glanced down at her fidgeting, covered her hand with his and squeezed her fingers before sliding her off his lap to the bed.

  Watching his back as he stood, she resisted the impulse to follow and wrap him in her arms. To try to take back what he’d been through and somehow make it less real.

  He approached the window, shoulders rigid, spine ramrod straight, and she fisted her hands on her thighs. He was teetering. Prepping to tip right back into the lonely abyss of self-preservation that had always kept his heart safe. And the absence of him. Sitting here and not being able to do anything while he slowly disappeared inside himself, had her every bit as panicky as the broken promises she’d made to her family.

  Hell, maybe he’d been right from the beginning. It would be better if he didn’t tell her. After all, it wasn’t like anything he said would convince her he was to blame. “Listen, Ben, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. If you’d rather not—”

  “It’s not you.” He spoke over his shoulder, his words clipped. But he didn’t turn around. Was either unable or unwilling to meet her gaze. “You have every right to know, Tanner. Jesus, out of everyone, you have the right to know.”

  The guilt and shame that clung to her like a second skin slithered up her spine and constricted around her neck. Swinging her legs over the blankets, she sat on her knees, clasped her throat and then put her hand on her chest. Then shoved her fingers through her hair as if no matter what she did, she couldn’t catch her breath.

  Her reaction was the same tongue-tied response she got whenever she thought of standing in front of her brother and sisters. Nothing that came out of her mouth would fix what had happened. There were no sane rationalizations to make Ben’s demons go away.

  “We’d been out on ops for… Shit, I don’t how long. After a while, the days usually bled together and it was hard to keep track. Late one evening, a member of the team returned to the temporary base we’d set up in a shelled building, carting Intel that confirmed the location of a weapons dealer who’d been supplying the local insurgents with arms. This particular bastard had been on our radar for months, and we were all cranked over the idea of bringing him down. Up ʼtil then, we’d never gotten close enough to strike. He had a sixth sense about him that made zeroing in on his position difficult. Enjoyed playing games and using women and children to throw us off track. Following protocol, I radioed in to verify the target and receive confirmation our objective was a go.”

  One hand on his hip, Ben braced his arm against the window sill, and the way muscle bunched and rippled down his back had her springing to her knees. “There was only one problem.”

  Only one, huh? That was a laugh and a half. Minute by minute, he was slowly dying right in front of her, and she had no clue if she should just let him talk or if she should try to offer something, however minimal that might be, to show her support.

  “Vaheed Shahzar was well-known for leaking false information at the expense of the government’s highly trained soldiers, and HQ wasn’t prepared to risk the entire team. He’d already slaughtered too many. Good men who’d been tortured and beaten to death without getting the recognition they’d deserved.”

  Goddamm it. Dropping her forehead into her hand, Tanner sank back down to her heels. She knew exactly what came next. With the same conviction she held that Ben was the best man she’d ever met, she understood precisely where this story was headed.

  Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, would he put someone in a threatening situation he wasn’t fully prepared to handle himself. Especially when it came to those under his command who just so happened to include the woman he loved. “So you volunteered to go on your own.”

  He finally turned, and whatever emotion he saw on her face—the sickening worry, the regret over being so damn useless when he needed her or how she understood in ways he’d never have to explain—he crossed to the bed and sat, one knee bent so he could face her. “I knew the team was gonna be pissed once they heard the orders, so I faked a plan for a morning raid and told ʼem to get in some rack time, saying I’d take first watch for the night. But City? She took one look at my face and…”

  A small smile hinted at his lips, but the misery in his eyes remained. If Tanner had to guess, every bit as brittle and clear as the day he’d lived through whatever unavoidable disaster came next.

  “I’d made it two steps out of camp before she confronted me and insisted I tell her what I was doing. Read me the riot act about how she hadn’t worked her ass off to get where she was only to be left behind.” He cocked a brow. “City had a stubborn streak. She was also tough, loyal and, when it came to proving she was a valuable asset to the team, never listened to a damn thing I said.”

  Shit. Tanner winced. Kinda sounded like someone she knew.

  Reaching up, Ben tucked her hair behind her ear, secured her chin between his forefinger and thumb and lifted until she looked him in the eye. “What happened wasn’t her mistake, Tanner. It was mine. I knew what she would do, but instead of coming up with a cover story or admitting I’d been busted, I argued with her. Told her everything. Up to and including how I’d been given top secret orders that didn’t include her.”

  Awareness shot through her system on a surge of adrenaline, and Tanner blinked, gradually inching back from him until he dropped his hand to the bed.

  He’d been hoping to protect Felicity. He’d told her the truth and then shouldered the burden on his own because that’s what he’d been taught and trained to do.

  But, for him, those moments had lingered. A supposed misstep on his part that had led directly to everything he’d been trying to avoid.

  Tragedy. Failure. The passing of eight souls he’d not only been responsible for but had counted as his family.

  And that was why.

  A second blink, and Tanner wasn’t the least bit surprised as another tear splashed and trickled down her cheek. She reminded Ben of Felicity, and when it came to Trey’s case, she no longer had any misgivings about why he still refused to fill in the blanks of how he and Adder were connected.

  Ben worried saying too much would bring on a repeat of the past.

  “Felicity’s choices weren’t yours to make, Ben.” And the fact he’d been torturing himself with the consequences ever since tore a hole in Tanner’s heart that gave pain a whole new level of meaning. “She did what she thought was best and there wasn’t a damn thing you could’ve done to stop it.”

  Lowering his gaze to his lap, he shook his head. Th
e quiet crackle of the fire floated through the room as he worked a swallow. Cleared his throat. “I found Shahzar’s camp and hunkered down to do a little surveillance. I didn’t want to launch an attack until I was sure he was there, and using coms was a non-option since the signal would’ve revealed my position. At the time, I assumed City and the team would show up hot on my heels, disobeying my orders. But the longer I waited, the more nervous I got, all while I kept getting distracted with trying to get close without being spotted.”

  And the possibility he was marching straight toward his suicide? That he’d never stumble out of Shahzar’s camp a free man again?

  No big deal. That probably hadn’t been playing on his conscience at all.

  He moved his focus to the wall and she clenched her jaw at the unbearable memories searing a path of grief-stricken agony across his face. “By the time dawn hit, I’d taken out half a dozen men and breached the perimeter, only to find the place was an endless series of booby traps and Shahzar was long gone. It was another set-up. Another trick. I immediately broke radio silence but, by then, I was too late. Felicity and the team had already infiltrated the bunker through the back, and the next thing I remember was being evacked back to base to have the shrapnel of an IED barrel bomb dug from various locations on my body.”

  Sweet Jesus. The strength drained from Tanner’s muscles, her tongue completely robbed of any appropriate response. I’m sorry just didn’t seem like enough. And no matter what other placating clichés she came up with, chances were good they wouldn’t make a bit of difference to Ben.

  He’d still carry that day with him, the unsung beneficiary of a mass murder that lay solely at Vaheed Shahzar’s feet.

  Anger nailed the center of her chest cavity, and she crossed her arms against the impulse to round up everyone at Dirty Deeds so they could send the asshole back to hell where he belonged. It really was too bad Shahzar was unreachable. She would’ve given her eye teeth to balance the scales for Ben. Maybe even offer him a much-needed first step in helping him heal. “Did they ever catch him?”