Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “Wait, what?” he said, I shook my head,

  “I got so angry because I am fucking good at pointe and ballet, but she told me I might not even get a role in the ballet because of my stupid decision to trust Abi, or as she said my showing off and obvious disregard for the rules.” I muttered,

  “So, you’re pouting because you made the wrong decision in an audition.”

  “When you say it like this, it sounds petty and stupid.” I muttered,

  “It kind of is.” He whispered, knocking his foot against mine. “So, should we talk about the actual issue here?” he asked, I looked at him. “You made yourself throw up.” He said, I shook my head at him lowering my head back into my knees.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll take a different approach.” He said, I looked back up at him wiping my cheeks violently as tears rolled down them. “Lie down.” He whispered, I frowned at him but I did, lying on my side resting my hand under my head, he lay opposite me once he’d taken his shoes off, I watched his face as he went through his pockets, until he pulled some earphones out, he pulled the one nearest to me out of the knot it had formed in his pocket.

  Then he held it up to me, I didn’t take it, so he put it in my ear, putting the other in his then putting his finger on his lips, I nodded to him as he lifted his phone between us. I couldn’t see what he was scrolling through until it started in my ear. We didn’t talk, he wouldn’t let me, every time I went to open my mouth he put his finger back on his lips, shaking his head at me, so I soon quietened. Closing my eyes as the song played through the earphone, until it ended and the next one began.

  “Go on.” He whispered, I looked at him,

  “I got nothing.” I whispered, he smiled. “Is this what you used to do?” I asked, he nodded.

  “Not even used to, still do.” He said, I met his eyes. “This technique works better when I’m sad.” He said softly as the violin instrumental continued into my ear. “Just listening to one song all the way through, then figuring out things. My therapist always said to me it was a skill to listen, and when you listen you appreciate.” He said then he blushed,

  “You’ve never told me what happened during your therapy sessions.”

  “I wasn’t allowed to.” He said raising his eyebrow at me, I laughed quietly. “Like Jack, he had therapy every Friday, but was never allowed to tell me what for, or what happened in them.” he said, I nodded slowly. “Although admittedly, I enjoyed music therapy so much that I inflicted it on everyone.” He said amused, I laughed as I sighed. “It helps. A lot.” He said nodding, I nodded back.

  “What did you listen to when you were angry?” I asked, he frowned at me as he looked back down at him phone.

  “You angry?”

  “Very.” I replied, he nodded then pressed down on his phone, the song switched instantly, it almost made me jump. “I remember, when I was angry, when I was younger Max would make me dance.” I said as I listened to the song, Connor nodded he didn’t shush me. “I remember you used to throw things.” I added, he smirked at me.

  “Only if I was just a little angry.” He said, I almost laughed.

  “Oh, no I remember. You went really quiet. It was scary.”

  “I went really quiet for a lot of reasons.”

  “Yeah, but if you were angry, you went quiet, and your music got louder.” I said, he nodded as I looked at him, straight into his eyes as the chorus kicked in.

  “You look strange without your glasses on.” He said, I smiled, it made him smile back.

  “Madame insists I wear contacts.” I said,

  “Now,” Connor said, I looked at him, “let’s start with you had sex, with a girl?” he said, I nodded.

  “It was intense. We dance together in Pas De Deux, but my god she’s hated me since we started, turns out…”

  “She didn’t hate you, she wanted to sleep with you. Sounds familiar.” He said, I laughed.

  “It was good. I guess. We just sort of had sex, although I don’t think I did it too right.” I said, Connor smirked so I hit his chest.

  “As Ste used to say…” he said, I frowned at him. “Practice makes perfect.” He said, I laughed shaking my head at him as he smiled at me. “Is she the one who suggested you dance on pointe?” he asked, I nodded. “And?” he asked, he sounded mildly confused.

  “And it wasn’t a good idea.”

  “You’re blaming her?” he asked, I shrugged.

  “I guess. Even though it was my fault.” I muttered, Connor nodded to me then looked back down at his phone, changing the song to one of his violin instrumentals, it was far softer in my ear.

  “So, what are you going to do now?” he asked, I shrugged at him. “Going to mope about it, and be a big idiot?” he asked, I shook my head. “Going to get up out of bed and continue with your life?”

  “Tomorrow.” I muttered, he nodded softly.

  “That’s better than nothing.” He said thoughtfully then ran his fingers through my hair. “I think you should talk to Max.” he said, I frowned.

  “What good would that do?” I asked, Connor sighed.

  “He’ll be able to help. You know he will. He’ll be able to sympathise with your pointe problem, he’ll be able to give you advice and will understand exactly what you’re going through.”

  “He’ll just be ashamed of me.”

  “He will not.” He replied, I looked away from him. “I haven’t heard anything more ridiculous in my life.” He said, I shook my head at him, we both turned to look at the door when it opened. Kian leant on it before even attempting to come in,

  “They released the list.” He said as he closed the door, I sat up, watching as the earphone fell out of my ear and onto my lap, I could still hear the music coming out of it.

  “Who are you playing?” I asked, he sat on his bed.

  “I’m just a chorus member on Thursday’s shows.” He said, then he smiled softly at me. “As are you.”

  “Really?” I questioned, narrowing my eyes at him, he began to nod. “A second got Edward, and the ballerina, most of the seconds are performing Wednesday, whereas the two seconds that got Edward and the ballerina for Thursday’s show are performing with a first year chorus.” He said nodding, I nodded back, then looked back at Connor as he squeezed my shoulder and ran his fingers down my back.

  “It’ll be fine.” He said into my ear, I sighed but nodded to him as he kissed my shoulder.

  ��

  Chapter 7

  I looked at my phone as it lit itself up, on and off it alternated between Cameron’s name and Max’s name. Neither of them had called, it was just a continuous stream of texts.

  I figured they were working together, or at least sat next to each other, and had reacted verbally to my initial text that had started off their flow of replies. It stopped buzzing as I looked at it again, watching as my screen faded to black

  “Are you going to get that?” Kian asked, I shook my head then looked from my phone across the canteen table at him as he pointed a piece of lettuce at me,

  “I’m ignoring it for the time being.” I replied, he frowned, “I told them I wasn’t coming home this weekend, which means I’m not helping Max in Immediate Pointe, which will be what his texts are about. Cameron’s will be about how he’s probably brought something to roast.” I said then looked back at my phone again, “both are using our group chat for evil.” I said, Kian laughed then shrugged.

  “And why aren’t you going home?” he asked, I muttered looking down at my plate. It was full, or at least the edges were, I’d pushed all my food into the brim of the plate, so it looked like I’d given it a good go.

  “Are you going to eat that?” Margo asked, she obviously wasn’t fooled by the empty circle on my plate. I frowned at her. “Can’t let good potatoes go to waste.” She said, then looked at Kian, “am I right?” she added, he laughed as he poked his fork through a tomato, a beetroot and a little block of cheese.

  “Seventy-seven calories, I can take them or leave them.” he
replied, I laughed as he smiled at me. “I thought you were going home this weekend.” Kian said frowning at me, I looked at him, “I’ve arranged to go out with Connor.” He added, I began to nod.

  “I’ll be fine alone, you know?” I said, he laughed nodding to me almost dramatically. “Besides I won’t be alone, I have Margo… I have….” I said, Margo began to shake her head, I sighed.

  “Abi is pissed off at you.” She said, “she won’t even acknowledge your existence right now.”

  “Why?” Kian asked, Margo laughed,

  “Well, Kian. When you sleep with a boy that then shouts at you in front of the entire canteen just under a week later, you tend to want to make said boy an eunuch.”

  “A what?” I said, Kian laughed so I looked at him,

  “She wants to castrate your balls.” He said, I winced.

  “I should apologise to her.” I said, they both nodded back to me.

  “I agree.” Margo said, I sighed. “But maybe wait a bit. She still seems quite angry.”

  “And you should never provoke a girl when they’re angry. I learnt that the hard way.” He said, “especially not two of them, my god.”

  “Your sister?” I asked, he nodded slowly as if he was traumatised by the memory. “Do you know how hard it is, when your Pas De Deux partner, is also your sisters’ best friend. They tend to conspire.”

  “Poor Kian.” Margo cooed, “now can I have your potatoes, so we can get to our show rehearsal?” she asked, I sighed spinning my plate around so she could take the potatoes, I watched her take the first two with her fork, then picked up my phone, scrolling down the messages that alternated between Max and Cameron.

  “They making you feel like a bad son?” Kian asked, I began to nod.

  “The worse.”

  “Our two Edward’s, front and centre please.” Arlo said as he stood against the barre putting his ballet shoes on, he was leaning on the barre us firsts had taken, whilst all the seconds stood on the opposite side of the room. Two boys moved themselves away from the barre and stood in the middle, they smirked at each other when they did.

  “We will practice as a big group.” Arlo explained as he stood in front of the two seconds. “Then we will perform in our two separate groups. I expect you to be watching if you are not performing, there are always things you can learn.” He said, more in a pointed way towards the seconds. “You will all be a part of a chorus number, a Pas De Deux sequence and an all-male number.

  We will also select the strongest dancers to make cameos, or to dance in the background. Of course, our Cavalier and ballerina will be centre stage for the majority, but that does not mean that you cannot be seen.”

  “No small roles, just small people.” Kian murmured, I laughed,

  “I thought it was there are no small roles, just small actors.” I said, Kian smirked.

  “But we’re not actors.” He said, then he grinned, I smiled back.

  “Centre floor.” Arlo ordered, we stood in lines of four, he nodded to us, happy with the formation then he began the soundtrack.

  He let us listen through it the first time, ensuring we noticed the accents and the change in pace, then he began it again and started to show us the dance. I marvelled around the room as the Seconds followed without hesitation, their lines perfect, their footwork nearing perfection every time. We danced through it once then Arlo lifted his hand, circling it towards us.

  “Back row to the front.” He ordered, so we swapped. I kept my eyes on Arlo as I danced, trying not to think about the rows behind me who were watching me dance, or judging my waist line and lack of padding in my shorts. I closed my eyes as the song began again, just listening to the music, hearing what Connor had said, over and over again.

  You have to zone out of everything, the only thing that matters is the music. Listen to the notes, enjoy the harmonies, appreciate the arrangements.

  “Beautifully danced Jacob.” Arlo said, I opened my eyes looking at him as he nodded to me. “Nice and strong Kian, keep it up.” He added, Kian smiled next to me, I saw it in the mirror. I laughed softly as I looked down. “Okay. Firsts take a seat under the barre.” Arlo said, “make sure you keep yourselves hydrated. Keep drinking. Seconds centre floor, with Wednesday Edward. I’d like to see you dance through once.” Arlo said, then came to the barre we were at, he drank from his own water bottle as the seconds prepared on the floor then began to dance through.

  I swirled my water around and around in the bottle not quite drinking it, until Kian placed his hand on the lid, stopping me swirling it.

  “You’re making me need the toilet. Please stop.” He said, I laughed seeing his smile as the music came to its end. Arlo stood himself from the barre, walking to the group and talking to them individually. Some were positives, some boys he just picked out to compliment them, others needed improvement, then we swapped, the seconds sitting in front of us, watching as we danced through.

  ***

  I was still lying in bed when Kian returned from his Saturday morning run. He’d decided a few weeks back that he was going to take up running of a Saturday morning, and for some bizarre reason, he woke up unbelievably early to do this run.

  I was awake when he came back, he always stated it was a miracle that I had managed to wake up, so I lay resting my head on my arms as I looked at him sat on his bed.

  “You should try a good run.” He said, I groaned back at him. “Get them endorphins going.” He added amused, I shook my head.

  “Aren’t you going to get enough endorphins from this afternoons activity?” I said, Kian laughed shaking his head at me, I sat up. “Are you telling me you and Connor are not going to have sex?” I said, Kian laughed as he stood from his bed.

  “I never said that.” He said then went into the en-suite, he turned back before he closed the door. “It is likely.” He added then shut the door, I laughed as I lay back down.

  I had almost fell back asleep when Kian came back out of the en-suite, I watched him as he walked from the en-suite to his drawers, he turned to look at me once he’d put his boxers on, and threw his towel into our wash basket.

  “Coming to breakfast?” he asked, I groaned at him making him laugh. “Come on.” He pushed so I sighed sitting back up and pushing my quilt back, going into the en-suite. He was impressed when I reappeared, and even more impressed when I was dressed.

  “When are you meeting with Connor?” I asked as he sat opposite me with a bowl that looked like it was full of yogurt. He began to sprinkle blueberries and raspberries on top of it.

  “Not until this afternoon.” He said, then he laughed. “We’re going to eat; I believe he said something about the cinema then we’re going back to his.”

  “Staying over?” I asked, he shrugged.

  “We’ll see, I’ll let you know though, especially if it’s getting close to curfew.” He said, I nodded to him. “What are you doing?”

  “I was going to go to the gym.” I replied, then looked down and away from him.

  “Muscle?” he asked, I frowned at him. “Weight lifting.” He said, I shrugged.

  “I’ll run on the treadmill for a bit.” I said,

  “Don’t run for too long.” He said, “Miss Olivia wanted you to gain muscle mass, not lose weight.” He said, “but I’m not one to talk you out of those endorphins.” He said grinning at me, I laughed. “Are you going to talk to Abi?” he asked, turning to look towards her, I followed his gaze at Abi as she sat on a different table with a bowl in front of her.

  “Do you think she’ll attack me?” I whispered, he laughed as he scrapped the bottom of his bowl with his spoon.

  “I think the longer you put it off, the more pissed off she will be.” he said, then he sighed. “What I learnt, quickly was you usually just have to admit you’re wrong, even if you’re not.” He said, I almost laughed. “You also should never say I told you so, if they ultimately admit that you were right, they have a huge dislike for that.”

  “Noted.” I said, he lau
ghed as I sighed and looked back towards Abi.

  I stood at the end of the treadmill, trying to unknot the earphones Connor had left in my bed. I knew he had hundreds, upon hundreds of pairs of headphones, and earphones so he wouldn’t miss them, especially as they were a generic blue pair that appeared to knot easily.

  I finally succeeded in unknotted them, then plugged them into my phone, scrolling through my music apps until I decided on a playlist. I stood on the edges of the treadmill slotting my phone into the little hold, and my water bottle into the cup holder then started it.

  I closed my eyes as my walk became a jog, running the beat of the music I could hear. I ran through the pulsing in my head, as it grew more intense, hitting my forehead like a pin, so I squeezed my eyes tighter.

  Keeping up the pace as the treadmill got quicker.

  Until I felt my breath get knocked out of me. I held the supports of the treadmill, lifting myself up so I could stand on the edge of the treadmills, folding my arms on the support and resting my head in it, feeling the sweat as I dripped off my hair, my heart beat pulsing through my head as I tried to regain my breath.

  “I think you need a break.” I heard; I didn’t look up because I didn’t want to. “An ice cream?” I heard, I laughed and looked up taking my glasses off to wipe my face with my t-shirt then put them back on turning to look at Margo who was stood at the end of the treadmill. She’d turned it off, I took the earphones out.

  “Why an ice cream?” I asked, then I frowned at her. “It’s winter.”

  “Ice cream is both a snack and a drink if you leave it long enough.” She said, I laughed. “Come on Jacob. Don’t push yourself too much. It’s a Saturday.” She said, I nodded to her, taking a step off the treadmill and feeling as my knees became jelly.

  Margo laughed looping her arm around mine and walking me through to the little coffee area, that apparently also sold ice cream. I got a little bowl with three scoops of chocolate in, whilst Margo got strawberry, pistachio and praline, she told me not to be so boring then laughed as we sat on a couch to eat it. The coolness of the ice cream calming my head almost instantly as I let it melt on my tongue.