Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “No, we were just talking. It got late; we fell asleep.” He shrugged as he examined his bed, he obviously decided there was no way he was getting back into it, he came to sit on the end of mine.

  “What?” I began then I paused, he frowned at me.

  “What?” he repeated, so I shook my head,

  “I mean, how important was your relationship with Elijah?” I asked, Kian sighed and looked back at me.

  “He was my first partner.” He said, then laughed. “We were thirteen, at the time I suppose he was my first, and last girlfriend.”

  “And that’s it?” I asked, he shook his head.

  “We took each other’s virginities.” He said softly, “we were Pas De Deux partners, we sometimes still are Pas De Deux partners. We just ended up sleeping together. Frequently.”

  “Why did it stop?” I asked, Kian laughed softly.

  “Australia.” He said,

  “That recent?” I asked, he nodded.

  “The day we submitted our ballet school applications was the last time we slept together because it was apparent that we were not going to be with each other for school.

  We weren’t together. I mean, I slept with a handful of guys when I was still sleeping with Elijah, we weren’t exclusive, or committed or anything like that but…”

  “You loved him.” I said, he looked straight at me. “Right?”

  “Right.” He said, “Jacob?” he asked, his forehead creasing as if he was thinking, so I waited. “Do you like him?” he asked, I looked at Elijah then I began to nod.

  “Yeah.” I said, I ensure it sounded confident, “I mean, yeah I do. He’s special.”

  “He’s definitely special.” He replied, it made me smile, then Kian laughed so I looked towards his bed as Elijah sat up, he frowned at both of us.

  “You guys talking about me?” Elijah asked, I smiled as Kian almost scoffed.

  “Always.” He replied.

  I followed the music through the corridors until I found the studio it was coming out of. Elijah had booked out one of the studios during our class with Madame Rose, he’d decided it was in his best interest not to crash Madame Rose’s class, as we were all pretty certain she would be far less inviting than Arlo was.

  I went to find him once it had finished, whilst Kian disappeared off somewhere. I stood in the doorway, watching as Elijah danced.

  “I know you’re there.” He said, without turning to me, I lifted my eyes from his pointes to his face he smiled at me through the mirror.

  “What are you doing?” I asked as I walked in, I let my shoe bag fall off my shoulder and onto the floor beside the door, then I walked around him, so I could lean on the barre he was facing.

  “Scholarship.” He replied, I frowned. “What? I don’t want to pay for my second year.” He said simply, I laughed.

  “You’re dancing en pointe.” I said, he nodded,

  “There are no rules for scholarship auditions.” He said, I frowned. “Well, besides the clothes, the hair and the underwear rules, but they’re pretty standard.”

  “Madame Rose told us boys had to start, and finish in flat ballet pump.” I said, he frowned then stopped dancing.

  “What?” he said simply, I shrugged.

  “She didn’t like it when I danced en pointe for my Christmas ballet audition. She believes pointe is for girls, and girls only.” I said, he tutted.

  “Madame Florence actually told me that she recommended I danced en pointe for the scholarship audition. She told me to use my strengths, and that’s one of them.” he shrugged then looked towards the stereo system as the song finished, it restarted a beat later.

  “Why did you choose this song?” I asked, Elijah smiled, I saw it in the opposite mirror.

  “Because it’s appropriate.” He said nodding, I frowned back at him. “I have no tears left to cry.” He said as he turned to me, “I have figured it all out, I am in the right place, in my mind, in my body.” He said,

  “But you haven’t had the surgery.” I said, he laughed.

  “Oh god I love you.” He said, I felt my eyes widen, as he continued to laugh and laugh. “Jacob, firstly there is not just one bulk surgery. If there was, trans guys would be humping it like a dog on heat.” He said, I frowned.

  “Secondly, you don’t have to have any of the surgeries to be happy.” He added, “or at least. I don’t.” he said, then he sat on the floor, so I sat opposite him. “I’m not dysphoric, not really. I would like to have a dick, I’m not going to lie the thought of having a penis is something else, but the need isn’t there, not really.

  Sometimes I yearn it, sometimes it hurts, other times I’m pretty chill about the whole thing. My transition was seamless, my Dad practically changed pronouns overnight, he took me to the barbers for a haircut, he worked through changing my name with me. It was exactly what I wanted, I wanted to be identified as a boy, and I was. I don’t need top surgery; I have nothing there for them to operate on. Bottom surgery will happen as and when, I think I’m going to wait until it’s more advanced, and I don’t take T, but I’m happy. I’m so happy it’s unbelievable.”

  “That’s good.” I said nodding, he nodded back to me.

  “Madame Florence would have actually murdered me, if I hadn’t practiced it at least once this week.” He said amused, I smiled.

  “Can I see it?” I asked, he began to nod then stood, so I moved back until I was sitting against the mirror, I watched as he rose onto and off pointe then looked at the stereo system as the song finish, he turned away from me, and stood his hands on his hips, his right foot raised onto pointe.

  I watched him take a deep breath, as the music began then he raised himself completely onto pointe, his arms rose above his head into fifth and then he went into développé, I smiled as he outstretched his leg, his frame not quivering at all, then he flawlessly moved into a pirouette section.

  The ending of his dance was the beginning in reverse, it made me smile as he came out of the pirouette section, and into développé, before lowering himself from fifth, into the position he started in, he turned his head to look at me, then he began to laugh as I just looked back at him.

  “Well?”

  “I would not want to compete against you.” I said, he laughed happily as he leant his head back, his chest raising and falling as he breathed deeply. “That was actually amazing.” I said, he grinned at me, then leant down in front of me, he lifted my chin and kissed me so I began to laugh.

  “You know.” he said, I nodded as he ran his fingers down my cheeks. “She only said you had to start and end on flat ballet pump.” He said, I met his eyes as he grinned at me. “She said nothing about the middle bit.”

  ***

  “I need your help.” I said, Max frowned at me as he turned to look at me.

  “Anything.” Max said nodding to me, so I nodded back as I walked into his studio.

  “We have this scholarship audition coming up.” I said, he continued to nod, “and we need to prepare our own piece for it. Madame Rose has stated that all boys must start, and end on ballet pump, but…” I said then tilted my head, “I, no, Elijah pointed out that she said nothing about the middle bit. I want you to choreograph a dance for me, that starts and ends on ballet pump, and is pointe in the middle.”

  “Whose Elijah?” he asked, I laughed.

  “Priorities Max.” I said, he smiled,

  “I think I can do that.”

  “Will it work?” I asked, he nodded thoughtfully,

  “If it was anyone else, I’d say no, but I think you can make it work.” He said, I grinned at him, he grinned back.

  Elijah hugged Kian tight, rocking him from side to side as they spoke into each other’s ears. The hug had gone on for quite a while, and I couldn’t imagine it’d end any time soon. Their rocking began to slower and then, they finally let go each other, kissing each other’s cheeks then, he hugged me. He squeezed me as tight.

  “Now, you better stay in touch.” He said, I nodded
into his shoulder. “And I want your scholarship audition sent to me, so I can watch it, I am not missing the perfected version of that dance.” He said, I laughed into his ear. “And I’d love to introduce you to this amazing thing called phone sex.” He whispered into my ear, I laughed out loud shaking my head at him, he grinned winking at me, then he kissed me. “Break a leg, both of you with your Pas De Deux assessments, and of course your scholarship auditions.”

  “You too.” I said, he smiled at me, “you’ll own it.” I added,

  “Thank you. Now I better go, get in my taxi before I miss my flight. I’ll let you know when I stop in Dubai, then of course when I get back home.” He said, hugging us both again. I glanced at Kian as he left, Kian sighed.

  “He’s in for a long flight.” He said, then looked back at me. “I’m going to get a shower, get ready for Pas De Deux. Okay?” he asked, I nodded to him

  “Going to touch yourself?” I asked, he laughed then began to nod in a sigh,

  “Yep.” He replied, then closed the door of the en-suite as I went to sit back on my bed.

  “How do you feel? Are you anxious about your assessment?” Ash asked, I shook my head slowly.

  “No, I’m okay with my Pas De Deux assessment, Margo’s an amazing partner, we both know the sequence it should be fine.”

  “But?” Ash asked, I looked at him and shrugged.

  “I’m wary of my scholarship audition.”

  “Nervous?” he asked, I nodded.

  “Very. I’m not even thinking about if I get it, it’s just the initial doing it.”

  “You know Jacob, this audition does not determent anything. You will get onto second year regardless.”

  “Yes.” I said nodding, he nodded back. “I am aware. I’m just nervous, I suppose.”

  “Which is completely natural.” He replied, I hummed at him. “Jacob, I want you to make sure you have breakfast on the day of your scholarship audition.”

  “Of course.” I said nodding,

  “And, if you need to take time out for any reason, whether it is to drink water, to eat a protein bar, to even go the toilet. You take it. Your teachers are well aware and will allow this. Auditioning can be a lot of pressure, a lot of stress so make sure you look after yourself the next two weeks. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I said nodding,

  “Can you tell me about last week?”

  “Last week?” I repeated, he nodded as he clicked off his pen.

  “You had a visitor, didn’t you?” he asked, I smiled.

  “Elijah.”

  “Tell me about Elijah.”

  “I’m going to miss him.” Margo said, as we stood on the other side of the studio, looking through the window as Kian and Abi completed their Pas De Deux assessment.

  “Who?” I asked as I watched Abi go into her arabesque, because apparently, I missed her, I missed dancing Pas De Deux with her, I just, missed her.

  “Elijah.” She said, so I looked at her. “He brought some life into this place.” She said amused, I smiled at her. “And you liked him.” She added, I sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

  “You already did.” I replied, she elbowed me in the ribs.

  “I know I probably shouldn’t ask this literally minutes before an assessment, but why did you stop liking me?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Sexually Jacob.” She said, so I pointed through the window. “Abi?”

  “Yeah. I slept with her. I couldn’t like you anymore, not really. I mean you’re hot, there is no denying that but after that… we’re friends.” I said warily, she nodded then she laughed.

  “You just friend zoned me.”

  “Hard.” I agreed nodding she smiled,

  “You actually liked Abi?” she asked, I nodded.

  “I guess so, but I fucked that up.”

  “And Elijah?” she asked, I stuttered. “Oh, I see, so your dick liked me, your head liked Abi, and your heart likes Elijah.” She said, I frowned at her because that didn’t sound right.

  “Jacob and Margo.” Arlo requested, so I looked in his direction. “Come on through.” he said, Margo looked at me almost warily, then she kissed my cheek.

  “Come on love. Let’s Pas De Deux the shit out of this.” She said, as she took my hand and walked me into the studio, we both stood in the centre, our feet in third, our arms relaxed. Madame Rose nodded to us, then to the music, I looked briefly at Margo when it began.

  ***

  I felt sick as I sat with the number eight pinned to my leotard. Kian was sat beside me, number six on his as we watched number one audition. The room was silent except for the extremely well-known piece of music from Swan Lake that was blasting around the room.

  Number one danced it well, she didn’t go a foot wrong, her pointe work was strong, I couldn’t falter her but I didn’t feel anything. Not until Kian knocked his knee against mine.

  “Okay?” he whispered, I nodded to him as I opened my legs so I could lift the water bottle I’d set between them up to show him, he smiled at me as I took a sip out of it.

  “I’m good.” I said quietly,

  “Do you promise?” he asked, I nodded as number one sat down, and number two took her place. He was dancing to Bluebird from Sleeping Beauty. “Elijah made me promise that I’d record your dance.” He said, I smiled, “so, you have to promise to hide my phone during my audition.”

  “Deal.” I said nodding, he nodded back to me. “I do feel slightly sick.” I said, I saw worry flicker across his expression.

  “Like you used to?” he asked, I shook my head.

  “No, like butterflies in my stomach kind of sick. What if she stops me halfway and tells me I can’t dance?”

  “She can’t.” he whispered back, I frowned as he looked towards the table where the ballet school people were sat. “She’s not in charge.” He added, I nodded.

  “Number three please.” I heard, so I leant forward looking towards the girl’s row as Margo stood up. She wore a tutu, white with black ribbons around the hem. Her pointes were tied the neatest I’d yet seen, her bun the same,

  “Wow.” Kian murmured,

  “Wow.” I agreed. We both jumped when the music began.

  “Thank you number seven.” They said, Abi nodded to them then curtseyed before retaking her seat. I felt as Kian squeezed my knee. “Number eight.” They requested, I took a deep breath, a long swig of water then I stood. I placed my pointes down in front of their table then stood in my place, every person on the table looked up at me exactly at the same time.

  “Jacob Kennedy.” I said, there were a few hums as they nodded to me.

  “When you’re ready Jacob.” The man with the American accent said, I nodded to him, bowed then walked into my position.

  I swallowed hard as my music began, Max had chosen Beautiful Trauma, and we had lay our heads alongside each other on his studio floor listening to it on repeat.

  Around the fourth time, I got it, and like Elijah had said, it felt insanely appropriately, after the fifth time we began to dance. Max had started it simple, and had told me to go through from first to fifth position with my arms, whilst remaining in first position with my feet. I looked up towards were my hands met, then I dropped them down, and walked towards my pointes, lowering myself to the floor and taking off my pumps, replacing them with my pointes, I wound the ribbons up my ankles, then I spun, so quick that I could stand up and I began to dance.

  Max had put a lot of extension into the dance, as that was my greatest attribute and we’d have had to have been mad not to include it, he’d stated I’d extend a lot, I’d show off my balance, and the length of my legs, and then, I’d kill with the pirouette section.

  Which, I believed I did, I closed my eyes as I turned, around and around, going from a pirouette into a grande pirouette à la seconde, lowering my body, until the floor was what brought me to a stop. I stayed there for a beat or two, looking around the room as I did, until I looked directly at Kian who held his phone at chest
height, he wasn’t watching me dance through the phone, so I smiled at him then I stood, took a run and jumped into a jeté, I took a deep breath in when I landed, because I’d landed it and I continued around, until I was stood before them again.

  I rose up onto my pointes and I ran my arms through first to fifth position again, then lowered myself to sit on the floor. I rose my right onto pointe, unwinding the ribbon from around my ankle, then taking the shoe off, before raising my left, I did the same then put my pumps back on, standing myself back up, raising onto my toe then into an arabesque. I held it until the music had officially finished, then I lowered my leg, walked forward, picked up my pointes and held them to my chest as I took my bow.

  “Jacob.” Madame Rose said, I whipped my head in the direction of her voice, “what did I tell you?” she added in the annoyed voice you do when you have company and you’re trying to pretend that you’re not pissed to the high heavens.

  “You told me, all boys must start and end in their ballet pump.” I said, “which I did.” I added, the table conferred in front of me

  “Jacob.” She repeated, a little angrier.

  “He is correct.” The man with the French accent said, so I looked towards him. “He did in fact start, and end in his ballet pump, and although this is obviously a bylaw, he did not break it.”

  “Thank you Jacob.” The woman in the Australian accent said, I nodded to her. “Please take your seat.” She continued, I bowed to her again, then took my seat back beside Kian. I felt as my racing heart began to slower, as I let a long breath out. Kian began to rub my back.

  “That was awesome.” He whispered, I smiled then leant my head on his shoulder.

  Max, Cameron, Frankie and Cory all stood huddled around me at the kitchen table, watching the video Kian had taken on my phone, they hadn’t uttered a word since I’d pressed play, they simply watched, and bit their tongue if there were any critiques.

  I looked up at them when it finished, rolling my neck looking at each of them in turn, I landed on Cameron.

  “I am not the ballet genius here.” he said, they all laughed as they retook their seats around the kitchen table.

  “You can say that again.” Max said, as he went back to making his burrito that he’d abandoned when I stated I had a video of my audition.