by Jina Bacarr
If the saints pierced her heart with a blessed arrow, she’d not fall. Nothing could stop her from racing toward him, words of joy falling from her lips. Tears running down her cheeks. Strong hands grabbed her, holding her close. She threw her arms around his neck, sobbing with relief so grand she’d never forget this moment.
Never.
‘Ava, Ava…’ Buck whispered over and over again, his lips close to her ear. His warm breath made her shiver again. This time with a feeling of completeness.
‘How did you find me?’ Ava blurted out, not understanding, only knowing that he was here with her now. She tried to forget the icy cold water splashing around their feet. She rested her cheek against his broad shoulder, his heavy overcoat rough, scratching her skin. She didn’t care about anything but his hands steady on her shoulders, him explaining how a girl named Peggy had told him where to find her.
‘We’ve got to get you out of here,’ he said, ‘though the ship can withstand several of her watertight compartments being flooded.’ His face wore a look of deep concern. Only a man who loved her would look at her like that.
No more dallying, girl. Your lives are at stake. Find courage knowing he cares for you like a lad for his gentle lady love.
‘This way, Ava,’ Buck ordered, pulling her along behind him.
Without another word, Ava followed him down the narrow corridor, stepping carefully through the water. She smiled. This was the first time she’d obeyed him without putting up a fuss. Silly girl. The steady sound of his breathing reassured her in the loveliest manner everything would be all right.
She let go with a long sigh.
Nothing to fear any more.
They made their way up to the working alleyway on E Deck, where a scene of confusion came into focus before Ava’s eyes.
Passengers, curious and upset. Crowding around them, some holding their bags with all their belongings.
An urgency about them.
The stale air blew hot against her skin in spite of the cold seawater lapping around her feet. She kept close behind Buck, holding onto his hand tight. She was unable to see much amid the low ceiling and naked light bulbs glaring overhead.
The feeling of confusion all around her worried her. She took it to mean the ship was damaged more seriously than anyone believed. Especially when she saw seamen scurrying about, passing the word on that seawater had flooded the mail room below.
Buck told her not to worry. Ava wasn’t so certain. People pushed by them, heading all the way aft on E Deck, emotions running high. A noisy, restless crowd babbled in various languages, all jammed together. Children crying, women fretting, men blustering about, trying to find out what was going on. The deck stewards kept repeating, ‘There is no danger.’
No one listened to them.
Ava pulled on Buck’s coat sleeve, her eyes questioning. He said nothing.
‘Is it true there’s no danger?’ she asked, wondering how the stewards could say such a thing when water had flowed into her cabin faster than a holy baptism.
‘We’re not taking any chances,’ Buck said. ‘Follow me.’
They hurried down the corridor, hugging the plain white walls that seemed to go on forever. He explained to her how they could get to C Deck by crossing the open well deck, then jumping over the rope to the first-class quarters. After that it was a short distance to the countess’s stateroom.
‘I pray Trey is there with her,’ he said, his tone solemn.
‘So do I, Buck,’ Ava said, then added what was in her heart. ‘She’s a fine and grand lady.’
Buck turned and studied her. Stopped dead in his tracks. Did her thoughts surprise him? It was true she and her ladyship had had words over him, but that hadn’t changed her opinion of her. Ava bore her ladyship no grievance. It was her own foolishness that had gotten her into this mess and sent belowdecks.
Would you look at Buck?
He’d been in such a hurry to get them away from the confusion and now he seemed in a bit of confusion himself. As if he couldn’t believe his ears. Was that a tender smile she saw lighting up his handsome face?
A warm flush spread over her cheeks. She had the feeling his lordship had something on his mind and he had to say it.
‘Fiona didn’t mean what she said to you, Ava,’ he said, not giving the ugly words either woman had sputtered in frustration any credence.
She nodded. The wall between them tumbled down with her hearing so grand a thing as this.
As if he read her thoughts, he said. ‘She begs your forgiveness.’
‘She told you what happened?’ Ava’s heart thumped in her chest, surprise making her lower her eyes in embarrassment.
‘Yes. She also asked me to tell you—’
Before he could finish his thought, a steward blasted orders in their ears, reminding her she could be spotted by the crew any moment. She turned her face away as the steward pushed them back and told them to clear the corridor while he threw open cabin doors and yelled, ‘Tie on your lifebelts. Captain’s orders.’
‘Lifebelts?’ Ava said, her feeling of security leaving her. ‘What’s happening, Buck?’
‘Merely a precaution, Ava,’ Buck said, avoiding her eyes.
No, there was more to it, Ava knew. She put her fingers to her lips. They were nearly numb. She glanced down at her feet. Her boots were water-soaked. A slow awakening slithered up her spine. Holy Mary, the ship was sinking.
‘I want the truth, Buck.’
‘Nothing is going to happen to this ship,’ he said as if he read her mind. ‘She’s built to withstand practically anything.’
She shook her head. ‘Something in my bones don’t feel right. Like the day my da didn’t come home. A fine day it was, filled with blue sky and a calm sea when I went down to the dock to wait for his tug to pull into the harbor. I knew something was wrong then and I know it now.’
‘I’m telling you, Ava, this ship is unsinkable.’
‘Is it?’ she said, feistily. ‘Taking on God’s work it is, saying such a thing.’
Buck grabbed her by the shoulders and studied her face in the yellow light overhead. ‘I believe we struck an iceberg.’
‘An iceberg?’ She shuddered.
‘Yes,’ he said, trying to keep his voice even. ‘I’m certain another ship will come to our rescue if it comes to that.’
Ava felt a heaviness settling in the pit of her stomach. It didn’t seem real. The jarring sensation. The water in her cabin. The idea the Titanic could actually sink was unbelievable.
An unholy chill shot through her and goose bumps pimpled the flesh on her arms at the thought of what would have happened if Buck hadn’t found her.
Mother of Mercy, it was too horrible to think about.
‘They’ll be looking for me,’ Ava said simply.
‘Yes,’ he said in a low voice, as if mulling over their options. ‘They’ll send a ship’s officer to free you—’
‘I’ll not be free, Buck. They’ll send me back to Ireland. I know they will.’ She tried to ignore the intense emotions racing through her, not just the fear of being sent to prison, but the fear of losing his lordship.
Ever since he’d rescued her, she’d had a lovely feeling of lightness as though nothing could ever harm her again. His arms wrapped around her in that certain way that warmed her inside. A deep and hungry need to touch him, be with him, causing her to say reckless things. ‘I couldn’t bear to leave you, Buck. I – I want to go to America with you.’
‘I’ll take you back to the countess’s stateroom.’ He avoided her eyes so she couldn’t see what he was thinking. ‘They’ll never look for you there.’
Her face colored again. He said nothing about keeping her with him. With the countess, yes, but not with him.
Doing his duty, he was.
She waited, her face still flushed from her rash words. A draft seemed to come out of nowhere and stirred the air.
She shivered in her wet boots.
‘You’re cold,’ wa
s all he said.
He took off his heavy black overcoat, his arm encircling her as he wrapped it around her shoulders and held her close. Ava tucked her chin to her chest so he couldn’t see the tears welling up in her eyes. She’d never felt so protected before, wrapped up in more than his coat.
Could a girl like her have his love, too?
‘I suspect the damage is more serious than they’re telling us, Ava, but I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise,’ Buck said softly, pushing through the steerage passengers forming at the stairs.
Ava trailed behind him, a deep concern racing through her when she saw a steward attempting to keep the people back.
‘Buck, look.’
‘I’ll see what’s going on,’ he said. ‘Wait here.’
She nodded, but the bad feeling creeping over her wouldn’t go away. That dark premonition came to visit her again. The sea taking her to a watery grave like a demon hellbent on claiming her unholy soul.
Ava would fight it. She wasn’t lost yet. Not with Buck at her side. She was smart enough to know his comforting words and strong arms around her shoulders were all she had to cling on to. She was surrounded by passengers carrying traveling bags, straw cases, rugs and even small trunks, barring her way.
Buck, where was he?
She saw him up ahead on the stairs looking for her, when someone behind her yelled out, frightening the crowd gathered behind her.
Whatever he said made them panic.
They began rushing up the stairs like a human wave, propelled by fear. A big, burly man pushed by her, his thick arm blocking her way and shoving her back.
‘Buck, help me!’ Ava cried out, trying to get to him, but she slipped and banged her knee. Ignoring the sharp pain, she saw his lordship turn around, twisting his head left, then right, but he couldn’t see her. How could he? She crouched close to the wall, trying to catch her breath. Then, her eyes widening with disbelief, she watched him disappear up the broad stairs amid the throng of people. And out of her life.
The sight of him leaving her startled her blood something awful.
She had to catch up to him.
Ava staggered, then regained her balance and lurched forward, trying to grab onto something, anything, when someone stepped on the hem of her skirt.
She turned around to see Hannah sneering at her. Did the girl have no mercy?
‘Stay down here where you belong,’ said Hannah, but Ava could see fear in her eyes and her lips trembling. ‘You’re no better than the likes of us.’
‘You’re a cold, hard creature,’ Ava said, refusing to show weakness in front of the girl. ‘You should be swept with shame knowing it. You’ll not take me down with you. This I swear on my mother’s holy grave.’
‘Mind who you’re talking to,’ Hannah said with smugness, rolling spit in her mouth. ‘Or I’ll—’
A slender lass wearing only a long nightdress and frayed shawl pulled hard on the girl’s long braid, making her yelp loudly.
‘You’re wrong about my sister,’ the girl said, then blessed herself, her eyes shooting upward.
Ava recognized her voice. Peggy.
This was the girl who helped Buck find her belowdecks.
‘Hannah lost her baby three weeks ago.’ Peggy bit down on her lower lip. ‘She’s not stopped blaming God and the whole world ever since.’
‘Is that true?’ Ava asked the girl, searching her face.
‘So, what if it is? I don’t want your pity. God abandoned me because I…’ She hesitated, her silence confirming what Ava guessed. In spite of the girl’s sanctimonious talk, the child was born from a night of passion. ‘Then He took my baby.’ Hannah pushed back strands escaping from her long braid. Harsh words, but the way her hand shook, her eyes misting over, told Ava there still beat a heart under that arrogance. ‘I never knew anything could hurt so bad.’
‘And you think the way to get rid of that pain is to hurt me?’ Ava asked, her voice firm. How well she understood the pain of loss, but that didn’t excuse Hannah’s lashing out at her. ‘God hasn’t abandoned you, Hannah. You have Peggy and you’ll lose her, too, if you don’t listen to Him and lead with your heart instead of your anger.’
‘You think God will ever forgive me?’ Hannah fought back tears as Peggy held onto her sister’s hand, her eyes begging Ava for understanding.
Ava nodded. She owed this girl Peggy her life. She had no doubt what He wanted her to do.
‘Follow me,’ she said. ‘Both of you. His lordship will help us.’
‘Glory be, God must have sent you to us.’ Peggy grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
Ava squeezed back and smiled at her, then nodded at Hannah. Her ruddy face was drawn and her eyes downcast. It would take time for her to let go of her anger… but for now, she seemed somewhat repentant and that was good enough for her.
Next, Ava set about saving them from whatever insanity was about to befall them.
She rushed forward, Peggy and her sister close behind her. She clawed her way up the stairs with the Irish girls only to have the steward lock the gate and refuse to let them through.
Sweet Jesus, no.
‘Please, let us through!’ Ava begged, with Peggy and Hannah adding their voices to her plea.
The steward shook his head and turned his back to them. He refused to even look at them.
‘We’ll find another way up on deck, miss,’ said Peggy, dragging her sister back down the long corridor, but Ava wasn’t listening.
‘Buck, Buck!’ she cried out frantically, rattling the gate so hard her hands hurt, the metal digging into her moist palms. She wanted to tear down the floor-to-ceiling barrier, kick it apart, anything to get to Buck. Her restlessness had given way to a passionate fever that burned deep within her.
Never before, not even locked up in the cabin, had she felt such heart-crushing despair.
23
15 April 1912
Buck was frantic. One minute Ava was in his arms and the next she’d disappeared.
His efforts to get information had been for naught. No one knew anything. Even the steward believed the ship’s engines would start up again and they’d be on their way.
Worse yet, Ava was gone. Not even a wisp of her long red hair anywhere in sight.
He felt as if he were living a dream and any minute he’d see her pretty face, her lovely green eyes teasing him with questions he wanted to answer and desires he hungered to fulfill.
Where did she go?
He swore she was right behind him… then she wasn’t.
She was gone.
Buck looked up and down the corridor on D Deck. She was nowhere to be seen. Not finding her was driving him crazy. Was she looking for him? Searching every face, penetrating a man’s soul with her wonder of it all?
Did she believe he had abandoned her?
His mouth tightened. He’d never abandon her, never.
And now he’d lost her.
Buck sighed inwardly. He swore he’d heard her call out to him, but he didn’t see her in the crowd of steerage passengers surging up the stairs.
How could he? Chaos reigned everywhere. People running from one cabin to another, looking for lifebelts.
Lifebelts be damned, it was lifeboats this ship needed. He was one of the few on board who knew there weren’t enough boats to save everyone.
Women and children first.
It was his duty to get Ava and the countess into a lifeboat. Surely the Titanic had sent out a distress call to other liners in the area. Another ship, maybe two were on their way and would arrive presently.
He shuddered. What if they didn’t? No man would last long in that freezing cold water.
Buck raced back toward the stairs leading to E Deck. Every reasonable argument told him getting out of this alive wasn’t in the cards.
This was one hand he would lose.
‘Best not go that way, guv’nor,’ he heard a seaman say as the bare-armed stoker pushed by him, his face and upper body smudged with
black soot and a lifebelt under his arm. ‘Them foreigners is all riled up. Poor bastards.’
‘What happened?’ Buck asked, his heart pounding. All he could think about was Ava caught up in the melee.
‘Bloody steward locked the gate leading up to D Deck. No telling what them blighters will do now.’
Buck panicked, mind-numbing thoughts racing through his brain. Every instinct told him Ava was down there, waiting for him.
He jammed back down the broad stairs like a madman, never breaking his stride.
He wouldn’t rest until he found her.
‘Hurry up and open that gate,’ Buck ordered the steward trying desperately to get out of his grasp. He’d grabbed the man, nearly crushing his arm when he saw him rattling a ring of keys.
‘Unhand me, sir, if you don’t wish any unpleasantness,’ the steward said. ‘Or I shall report you to the steamship company.’
Buck smirked. No doubt he was accustomed to dealing with the ruffians in third class. The man kept his official demeanor in spite of his obvious discomfort.
Not Buck. His whole body was tense, his pulse racing. Steerage passengers hovered behind the gate, clinging to their steamer trunks, their suitcases, mulling about, mumbling in a variety of languages and not understanding what was going on. Once the gate was locked, most had scattered, looking for other ways to get up on deck. He heard one man shout about a passageway leading to the top in the other direction, his enthusiasm spurring several passengers to scramble after him.
Only a few stragglers lagged.
Then he saw Ava, banging on the iron-latticed gate, waving at him and calling out his name. Relief filled him.
He let the man go.
‘Unlock that gate,’ he repeated, louder now. He kept glancing toward Ava, making sure she didn’t disappear again.
‘I most certainly will not,’ came the insistent reply from the steward, a bespectacled man with droopy brows and a persnickety attitude.
‘If you don’t open that gate and let that girl with the red hair through, I’ll blast a hole through that pretty white uniform of yours,’ Buck said in a hoarse whisper loud enough for only the steward to hear.
