Harder Than Words

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  She was.

  She didn’t love the man. Didn’t want him in her life. Didn’t like the person he’d molded her into.

  He’d left on his own terms. She didn’t have a say. She never had a say. She’d never spoken her mind.

  She’d let him live her life.

  And when he left, he’d convinced her she was the reason.

  She’d failed him.

  She’d failed them.

  God, it hurt to think about that.

  Why was she still allowing him to fill her thoughts? Why was she still thinking this way? She knew he wasn’t good for her when she was married to him. But she thought that, as long as she didn’t rock the boat, he wouldn’t leave and she wouldn’t fail in her marriage.

  Her head ached, and she did her best to push those thoughts from her mind once more. She needed to be positive and happy now when she picked the children up at school.

  By the time she made it through mid-afternoon traffic to the kids’ elementary school, the bell had rung and kids were scattered around the building, either going to the busses or to the line of cars waiting for pickup.

  She pulled up into the line and craned her neck to watch for her babies. At eight and four, both of her children were in all-day classes. Cliff was in classes full-time, and four-year-old Sasha was also in all-day classes. This cut down on childcare costs, and Meghan suspected Sasha was clever enough to have somehow figured this out.

  When she spotted them walking toward her hand-in-hand under the teacher’s aide’s watchful eyes, she got out of her truck and opened the extended cab’s doors so she could buckle her babies in. She used to have the mini-van and everything that came with being a stay-at-home mom, but when she was forced to go back to work, she traded it in for her used truck. Her brothers had offered to buy her a new one since it was for the company as well, but she declined. She was starting from the ground up with them, and at a lower wage, because she wanted—no, needed—to prove to herself and to them that she was worth the job they’d given her. She didn’t want to go through life on the Montgomery name alone.

  The fact that Montgomery was no longer her only last name made her even more determined to succeed on her own.

  “Mommy! Mommy! I got a gold star on my color sheet! See? I colored in the lines and everything!”

  Sasha spoke a mile a minute, and Meghan couldn’t help but smile at her baby girl. Both her kids had the Montgomery looks, which bothered Richard to no end. He’d wanted little Richard replicas, not Montgomerys. Her babies had dark brown hair and vivid blue eyes with long lashes. Seriously, her children were freaking gorgeous, and she wasn’t just saying that because she was their mother.

  She kissed Sasha’s cheek and picked her up to put her in her booster. “You did? I’m so proud of you, honey. We’ll put your sheet right on the refrigerator when we get home so we can all see the gold star. Do you want to take it with you to Grandma and Grandpa’s tonight when we go over there for dinner?”

  Sasha clapped her hands together and smiled, sticking her tongue against her front tooth so it wiggled. Meghan did her best not to shudder. She’d never done well when Cliff lost his teeth, and now Sasha was about to lose hers, too. Meghan could deal with all forms of gross and normal things that came with having babies, but loose teeth wigged her out. She couldn’t help it. It was just one of those things.

  “Coloring is for babies,” Cliff mumbled as he got into his booster.

  “I’m not a baby. You are.”

  Meghan closed her eyes for a moment then made sure Cliff was buckled in tight. Someone honked behind her, and she held back a curse.

  “Cliff, stop calling your sister a baby,” she said sternly then closed the back cab door before jumping in the front seat and buckling herself in.

  “But she is a baby,” Cliff sneered.

  Meghan pulled out of the pickup line and let out a breath. “That’s one, Cliff. Don’t do it again.”

  He muttered under his breath then folded his arms over his chest and stared out the window. Meghan wanted to scream or cry or do something. Her baby boy had never been this way before the divorce. He’d been sweet and loving, so polite and caring.

  Then they’d been forced to move out of the home he’d lived in his entire life when Richard left them. Them. Not just her. She remembered that each time she thought of the look on Richard’s face when he found her wanting and had packed up and left, leaving a last barb or two on the way out the door.

  Now she and the children lived in a small home that she rented rather than owned as she saved every last cent so she could provide a better life for them. Richard paid child support, but it was never enough. And he was always just late enough with the payments that he wouldn’t get in trouble, but it was a way to rub her face in the fact that she still relied on him.

  Oh, she could have asked for money from any one of her siblings or her parents. They would bend over backward for her without asking for anything in return, but she couldn’t do it. As long as her babies had a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, they would be fine. She would be the one to make sure they were healthy and safe because, if she had to rely on anyone else, she might end up the way she was right after Richard left. She’d been a shadow of herself, a broken women who stayed silent, broke down when she couldn’t figure out what she needed to do, and felt useless. She promised herself she would never be that way again.

  She wasn’t that person anymore.

  Of course, she didn’t know who she was now, and that was part of the problem.

  Sasha chattered animatedly in the backseat, and Meghan answered when she needed to, but in all honesty, her little girl just wanted her to listen and nod along. Meghan didn’t mind because at least Sasha was still the same bright-eyed baby girl she was before. Cliff was the one who had changed, and she didn’t know what she’d done wrong. She didn’t know how to fix it. But she had to because she couldn’t continue like this with her son acting out, and when he wasn’t doing that, he wasn’t speaking to her.

  She knew it was, in part, because he hadn’t seen his father in months. Meghan had full custody, but Richard had partial visitation on certain weekends and holidays. Only the man had canceled the last few times due to work or whatever petty excuse he could invent to get out of seeing his kids. He couldn’t use them for his image at work, so he wouldn’t use them at all.

  It killed Meghan that he was an absentee dad, and she couldn’t be both the father and the mother. There was only so much she could do, and she knew her father and brothers did their best to fill that void.

  It would never be enough though, and she had a feeling Cliff knew it.

  She also knew that Cliff blamed her for the divorce.

  From his attitude, there could be no other explanation. And sometimes, when she wasn’t thinking clearly, she catalogued her failures in her relationship with her ex-husband and what she could have done to be a better wife and woman.

  If she hadn’t been so cold in bed, he wouldn’t have left her.

  If she hadn’t wanted to see her family so much, he wouldn’t have left her.

  If she hadn’t put her foot down to keep Boomer, he wouldn’t have left her.

  If she hadn’t burned the meals one too many times, he wouldn’t have left her.

  If she hadn’t been Meghan Montgomery, he wouldn’t have left her.

  “Mommy? Are we going to Grandma and Grandpa’s now?”

  Meghan once again blinked away her thoughts of inadequacy and looked in the rearview mirror at Sasha.

  “That’s the plan. We’re having dinner over there tonight, and then we’ll go home afterward and put your work on the fridge. Sound good?”

  “Yay!”

  Sasha clapped again, and Meghan couldn’t help but smile at her daughter’s enthusiasm about something as mundane as going to dinner at the Montgomerys’. But as long as Sasha was happy, that was a win. She gave a quick glance in the mirror at Cliff who still looked out the window, a frown on his f
ace. He wasn’t pouting, but he wasn’t happy, either. If she could just figure out how he ticked, she could help, and if she kept telling herself that, maybe she’d start to believe it.

  She pulled up to her parents’ place, the home she’d grown up in, and turned off her truck. Before she got out, she sat for a moment and took in the house and grounds. She loved it so freaking much. With so many siblings, she’d always had to share a room, but her mom and dad had done their best with additions to the home and good planning, so she’d never felt blocked in. Her father and brothers were contractors, so they knew how to make a house livable for so many people at once. Her mother knew how to make a house a home.

  Meghan had been so lucky growing up the way she did. Her goal was to make sure Cliff and Sasha got the same things and were as well adjusted as the rest of the Montgomerys.

  Considering the members of her family were all inked, pierced, and a tad crazy, that wasn’t asking for much.

  “Mommy? Are we going in?”

  Meghan shook her head quickly at Sasha’s words then jumped out of the truck. She wasn’t that tall, only five foot seven, so she was always jumping in and out of her truck. By the time the kids were unlatched and had their feet firmly placed on the ground, her mother stood on the porch, a big smile on her face and her arms open wide. Sasha immediately ran to her grandmother and babbled as Marie covered her in kisses and snuggles. Cliff held back, quiet but still near enough that Meghan’s mother could reach out and pull him close.

  That was one thing Meghan loved about her parents. No matter what mood her kids were in, her parents always had the ability to make her kids feel loved and snuggled. In fact, Meghan could use a few snuggles herself at the moment, but first, she needed to get the bags out of the car and say hello.

  It didn’t escape her notice that her father hadn’t met them at the front door. Since his cancer diagnosis over a year before, he’d been venturing out of his chair and comfort zone less and less. The chemo had been hard on him, and each time they thought he was headed into remission, he’d take a downward turn.

  It scared the hell out of her that her tough-as-nails, bigger-than-life father was a shadow of himself, even with a smile on his face and a gleam in his eyes. She prayed the test results they got tonight or later this week would be better than what they had been.

  Meghan couldn’t lose her father.

  Her children couldn’t lose their grandfather.

  Her mother couldn’t lose her husband.

  This world couldn’t lose Harry Montgomery.

  She shook off her melancholy and walked up to her mom, and kissed her on the cheek. “Hello, Mom.”

  “Hello, Meghan, darling. Head on in and drop off their stuff. I’m going to go make sure the cookies taste right. What do you say, kids, do you want to help?”

  Meghan rolled her eyes. “Cookies before dinner? Really?”

  Marie just grinned. “It’s an after-school snack, and I’m the grandmother. I have to spoil. You know that.” She patted Meghan’s cheek with a slender, strong hand. “Only one cookie and carrot sticks on the side, baby girl. You know me better than that.”

  She did and shook her head anyway. “Have fun, and Sasha has something to show you.”

  Her mother smiled wide and hurried off to follow the kids into the kitchen. Meghan closed the door behind her and made her way into the living room, where she knew her dad would be.

  He looked smaller than he had the previous week.

  Or maybe that was just her imagination. His eyes were closed, and she was afraid she’d wake him, but he smiled as she walked in.

  “The kids just said hello.”

  “Hi, Daddy,” she whispered then kissed his temple. She straightened the blanket on his lap and sat down on the love seat beside his chair.

  “You never call me Daddy. What’s wrong, honey?”

  She shook her head then leaned over so her head rested on his chair. “Nothing.” Everything. “I’m just glad I’m here. With you. I could use you and Mom.” More than she wanted to admit.

  Her dad reached out and clasped her hand. “We’re here for you, Meghan. No matter what.”

  She blinked back tears and prayed he was right. There was only so much she could bear, and if she lost her father on top of it all, she’d break.

  She was Meghan Montgomery-Warren. Mother. Daughter. Ex-Wife. Woman.

  Chapter Three

  “You’ve been back for a year, but I haven’t heard you speak about a woman. Is there something wrong with you? Are you hiding someone? Tell me everything.”

  Luc gave his sister Tessa a dry look then took a sip of his only beer for the evening.

  Dinners at his parents’ home were a weekly event. Getting grilled from his eldest sister Tessa was one as well. The former was something he’d actually missed when he was living outside of Denver and hadn’t had the chance to visit as much as he would’ve liked. The latter, not so much.

  Not that he’d ever tell Tessa that, considering the fact that she’d never leave him alone if he did.

  Not that she left him alone much anyway.

  He ran a hand over his face but didn’t answer her. He knew he should probably give in and let her win since she’d pester him until she got every ounce of information out of him, but he wasn’t in the mood. It wasn’t as though he had a woman anyway.

  He’d had a few relationships, some even slightly serious over the past few years on the road, but he’d never introduced them to his family. In fact, the last woman he’d brought home was Meghan, but that didn’t count, as he and she had never dated.

  Fuck, he sounded like some lovesick loser with his mind in the past rather than on the future he could have now. He’d had the whole world in front of him, walked its roads and followed its paths, only to come back home again.

  “Come on, Luc, what are you keeping so secret? We’re family. You’re supposed to tell us everything. And by everything, I do mean everything.”

  “For the love of God, Tessa, leave your brother alone.” Maggie Dodd, his mother and now savior, walked into the living room. His mother might have been edging on the other side of sixty, but he thought she could pass for forty, easy. Her cocoa skin had a dusting of lines that came from smiling and raising four children. She was still as strong as she’d been the day he was born, maybe even stronger.

  As the youngest of four and the only boy, he knew he’d been a little spoiled, but Maggie never let it get out of control. She and his father, Marcus, had raised him and his sisters with an iron fist and warm hugs.

  For that reason, they reminded him of the Montgomerys. In fact, he’d grown up thinking of his family as a smaller version of the other crew. His mother had commented more than once on the strength of Marie Montgomery for raising eight, rather than four. Luc wasn’t sure how either woman had done it, but he counted himself lucky to have been raised with the people he called family—Dodd and Montgomery.

  Well, maybe not lucky every day since he still had to deal with his eldest sister, Tessa. The woman was only a few years older than he and sometimes tried to hold the maternal edge where he’d never felt it necessary.

  “Why should I leave him alone?” Tessa snapped. “He was gone for years because of that woman, and now he’s back and still alone.” She faced Luc and narrowed her eyes. “She might be divorced, but she didn’t want you then, and she’s not going to want you now.”

  He took a deep breath, ignoring the voice in his head telling him that Tessa was right. He didn’t want Meghan, not like he once had, so it didn’t work. However, his sister needed to get a fucking clue.

  “I love you like a sister, Tessa.”

  “I am your sister.”

  “And because of that, I’m not going to beat your ass for talking the way you do about my friend.” He held up his hand when she opened her mouth to speak. “No. I don’t want to hear it. Mom would be sad if I bruised you because you’re acting like a bitch.”

  “You’ve never raised your hand toward
any of your sisters, boy, so don’t start thinking you will now,” Maggie said from behind him, but he heard the smile in her voice.

  That much was true. No matter how much his three older sisters smothered him, annoyed him, and hurt him when they hadn’t thought better of it, he’d never fought back. There were other ways to get even with sisters. He wasn’t too old to put a frog in Tessa’s bed.

  Later. When she wasn’t expecting it.

  He held back a smile at the thought of her scream.

  Oh, yes, he would have fun with that. For now, though, Tessa needed to get her act together

  “Leave Meghan alone, Tessa,” he said, his voice deep and calmer than he’d thought possible. “I don’t know what your problem is with her, but I work with her family, and I’m still friends with the lot of them. I know you think it was her fault that I left Denver, but you know what? I’m back. Yeah, I left, but it wasn’t like I lost touch with all of you. Not all families live in the same city all their lives. I’m allowed to travel and see other parts of the world.”

  Denver would always be home though, not that he’d mention that fact in front of Tessa. He was trying to make a point, after all.

  Tessa crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I don’t like her, Luc. And I probably never will. She strung you along for years and always thought she was better than you.”

  “Now you’re just fucking lying, Tessa.”

  “Stop it. Both of you.” Maggie pulled Luc back and shook her head. “I’m not going to listen to this fight again. Luc is back. Meghan is a mother of two, working her ass off. I will never blame her for my son leaving, Tessa. He was an adult. You need to get over it. My baby is back again.”

  Tessa shook her head and walked out of the room. Luc sighed and leaned against his mother but didn’t put his full weight on her.

  “I don’t know where I went wrong with that one,” Maggie whispered. “Not that I don’t love her dearly, but sometimes that girl thinks that the sun doesn’t shine bright enough on sunny days.”

  “That’s just Tessa, Mom. I’m not too worried.”