Illicit: A Novel

by Ava Harrison

As he unfolds his body to stand, his muscles flex beneath his gray thermal. He is an Adonis among men, like all the myths and tales he likes to weave.

  “Hey.” The one word passes from his lips, sending a ripple of excitement and longing through my body. I step closer to him. The faint scent of his cologne drifts through the air. Masculine and fresh. An undertone of salt is present, and it transports me to another time, another place. It’s intoxicating. It makes me feel anything is possible.

  “Hi.”

  Our bodies are almost touching. The urge to reach out and feel the heat from his body is a heady sensation that I must shake away.

  “What is this?” I ask.

  “This is what I wanted to show you.” His steady gaze implores me to trust him. To let him show me this. To experience this with him.

  He moves to the side and ushers me forward. His hand slides softly down my spine, and the intimacy is unnerving. He must feel my body quivering at the sensation because he pulls his hand away once I’m standing before the eyepiece. “Show me what?” My chest rises and falls, hyper aware of how close we are. My body hums with currents of electricity as his soft breath fans my cheek. I pull away; he aligns his face with the telescope and starts adjusting it.

  “There.” Taking a step back, he points into the dark horizon. “Do you see those stars? A bit above the buildings?”

  “No,” I whisper, afraid if I speak louder he will hear the tremble in my voice.

  “It’s hard to see with the naked eye. If you squint it will be easier, but with this,” He pats the device. “you’ll see everything. That’s why I brought you here tonight. There are no clouds, just a bit of light from the moon, and this close to the park there aren’t many building lights. Okay, so see . . . Here.” He repositions my body. His movements are solid and strong, with just enough force and possession to make my heart drum frantically in my chest.

  “Yeah, like that . . . There. That’s the constellation Capricornus. It’s typically one of the dimmest constellations, but in September it’s the brightest.” Lightly, he fingers a loose tendril of hair lying on my cheek. It’s so soft, I wonder if I’m imagining it, but then the rough pad of his thumb trails against my skin.

  “Why are you showing me this?” I whisper, still unsure why I’m here. Of what is going on between us.

  “Capricorn is your zodiac sign. I saw it on your file and I didn’t want you to miss it. It’s really only visible in September.”

  He looked at my file and thought to show me this? The last little resistance between us melts. I pull away from the telescope and look back up to the sky. “They’re so far away, it’s almost like they aren’t really there.”

  “But they are. That’s the crazy part about stars. No matter where we are, they’re always there, no matter what.”

  Looking over at him, I incline my head.

  “Which is your favorite?”

  Carson turns his head toward the sky and points.

  “Polaris. Better known as the North Star.” His voice is silky smooth. It makes my heart flutter wildly in my chest.

  “How come?”

  He lowers his head and glances over to me. His steady gaze travels over my face until I’m staring into his familiar crystal blue eyes. “Because you can always trust it to guide you home.”

  His words say so much more than he lets on, and my knees nearly give way beneath me as I wait for him to say something more. But he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he cups my jaw in his hand and tilts my face up. With his hands on my skin, a strange feeling weaves its way through me; a feeling of being alive.

  Please kiss me.

  And then he does.

  His kiss feels like a confession of his need and desire for me. I surrender to it. To him. His tongue sweeps into my mouth. His movements are slow at first, and then deepen. Each stroke pulls me further into the dream. But then I’m ripped away and the illusion fades.

  His eyes are troubled. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to resist you, how to not succumb to you. How to say no—”

  I lift my hand. Stopping him. “Please don’t say no to this. Don’t regret this. I can’t bear to hear it.” Not after that kiss.

  “I don’t regret it.”

  All the oxygen in my lungs expels as my lips tip into the biggest smile. A weight lifts from my shoulders, and as I get back into position in front of the telescope, I don’t think anything could make this night more perfect.

  It isn’t a surprise to me when Carson lays out a blanket on the roof deck and the two of us lie down, hand in hand. We lie perfectly still under a dazzling sky. Under stars so brilliant and captivating they hold us prisoner, unable to speak. They capture every thought and transfix me completely. Soon Carson lifts his hand and points into the heavens.

  “There are some fantastic stories that have their own constellations. I can’t wait to show them all to you,” Carson says with so much conviction that I know he means it. He’ll show me every one.

  “Which ones can you see now?” I ask, sitting up and balancing my weight on my elbows behind me.

  “Over there. It’s hard to see now as it’s typically gone by end of September, but if you look really carefully, you can see Sagittarius.” I squint my eyes, and even though the stars are very dim, a shape is present amongst the darkness cloaking us from above. “This constellation is protected by Artemis.”

  “Artemis?”

  “She was the goddess of the hunt. That amongst other more interesting things.” Turning my head to him, a glint of humor crosses his face as he smirks at me. My eyes widen.

  “What else?” I plead eagerly.

  “Virginity.” He laughs and pulls me close to him, and takes my mouth again with his. “I wonder.” Kiss. “What she would think of this?” Kiss. He doesn’t let me answer. Instead, he devours me, kissing me with abandon under a starry night sky.

  Hours later the whole night plays over and over again like a record on repeat. A favorite song that you never want to stop.

  All we did was kiss

  But those kisses meant everything. He told me he wanted to take it slow. That he wanted to get to know me before we became intimate again.

  The night was perfect.

  Each kiss was perfect.

  As I lie in bed, I replay every last one until my eyes finally drift closed. And for the first time in a long time I’m excited to see what tomorrow will bring.

  LAST NIGHT WAS NOT WHAT I expected but more than I deserved. I knew what inviting her over would lead to, but never did I imagine the night would go so perfectly. That it would mean so much. That’s the thing with Lynn—even a mundane evening is so much more. When I speak, she listens, but more than that, she cares. She understands. She gets me. As much as I know we are treading in difficult waters, I can’t stop the feelings she evokes within me.

  I crave it. Crave her like she’s a drug. My own personal brand, custom made only for me. And even though it’s dangerous in school, I still seek her out. I still need my fix. Like a junkie, I watch and there she is . . . walking down the hall, her hips swaying from side to side. She’s coming toward me, but she doesn’t see me. As she passes, I grab her arm and tug her into the alcove where I am hiding. Well, maybe not hiding.

  “Oh, my God,” she cries. “What are you doing?”

  “This.” I place my mouth over hers. My tongue sweeps between her parted lips. She tastes of something sweet. Maybe strawberries? She puts her arms around my neck and deepens the kiss. Her lush body presses against me, making me want more than I can have in the hallway of the school.

  I pull away, regret coursing through my blood. I shouldn’t have started this, not when I can’t finish it.

  “What was that?” she asks, and I know I’m a complete dick. Even I’m getting whiplash from my mood swings.

  “I couldn’t help it. You make me crazy.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes,” I grit as if sandpaper is on my tongue; almost hating her for the way my body
craves her. If it were left up to me, I would slam her against the wall, lift her skirt, and have her right here and now. But this location isn’t safe. The evidence of our tryst is written all over my face, all over my body. If we were to see anyone, they wouldn’t have to think too hard to make assumptions.

  “You have to go.”

  “But—”

  “Go.”

  “I don’t understand,” she whispers, and I feel like the biggest ass.

  “Lynn, I want you. Right here. Right now. So you have to go.”

  Her eyes widen as she straightens her skirt, flattens her top and runs her fingers through her tousled hair. Without another word, she scurries off and I wait a beat to follow, hoping the raging erection I have isn’t obvious. As I step from the alcove and back into the hallway, I spot Lauren looking at me, and her eyes widen a fraction. I give her a nod, not a friendly one, but it doesn’t stop her from walking up to me.

  “Looks like a student has a crush.” She laughs.

  Fuck.

  Lifting my brow, I do my best to appear confused. “What?”

  “Miss Adams,” she clarifies.

  “Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.” I purposefully raise my shoulder for emphasis. “I need to be going. Good speaking to you.” The muscles in my back feel tense as I walk to my classroom. I could snap like a twig at anything. That was close. Too close. I need to run, but I can’t right now, so I clench my fists over and over again to the point of pain. When my heartbeat returns to normal, I can’t help but laugh.

  This is going to be a long fucking day. Hell, the way this shit is going, this is going to be a long fucking year.

  THURSDAY CAME AND WENT. TOBY was excited to see me again, and keeping my hands off Carson was no small feat but somehow we endured.

  With a few minutes to spare before class, I decide to step into the back hallway of the school by one of the doors. I lift up my phone and try my dad again. We might not see each other often, but we have always spoken on the phone. For a time, our relationship was very strained. It was the worst when they were going through their divorce. I never knew what I did, but it was as if it pained him to even look at me. He didn’t petition the court for custody, or even joint custody. Once it was finally over, he started to come around. We spoke every few weeks, but then last year around my eighteenth birthday he started to regress.

  The phone rings. I take in a deep breath and will him to answer.

  “Hello.” His voice is low. Distant.

  “Hi, Dad.” There’s a pause on the line. I can hear him breathing but he doesn’t say anything. “I called you a few weeks ago.” It comes out with a lot more bite then I want, but truth is, he never called me back and I’m upset.

  “I’m sorry. Yes, I did get your message.” He doesn’t say anything else and I want to scream through the phone. I want to demand he be my father. I want to cry that I need him, but instead, I inhale.

  “Why haven’t you called me, Dad? I feel like . . . I—”

  “I’ve been busy,” he says before I finish my previous sentence. Tears well in my eyes. I swipe a drop of moisture that trails down my cheek.

  “I just wanted to know if I could see you.”

  “I’m going out of town this week. Plus, I doubt your mom would allow it.”

  “What does Mom have to do with anything?” I’m confused. This is how it’s been ever since I turned eighteen and I don’t get it. Why is he being so cold, and why would Mom care? Sure, she despises him, but she always allowed me to see him.

  “With the child support done now that you’re eighteen, I’d be surprised if she wants you to have anything to do with me.”

  “But what does that—”

  “Listen, Lynn, there are some things going on with your mom and I. Money issues. She’s angry that child support stopped but you’re still living with her. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t. Besides, my next appointment is here. I have to go.” Before I can even say good-bye, the line goes quiet.

  My body shakes with the sobs I want to expel but won’t let come. As I turn the corner, I run straight into a hard body.

  “Lynn, are you all right?” His voice penetrates me, calming me, soothing me. “Come with me,” he whispers into my ear as I take a series of choppy inhales. He pulls me along the hall and leads me into a vacant classroom. My body shakes uncontrollably and he pulls me into his arms. “Shh. I got you.” I let it all out, each pained sob. Torrents of tears expel and he holds me. His embrace is tight. He takes the burden off me.

  “I got you,” he whispers as he peppers soft kisses against my hair, and I believe him. When the tears finally halt, he pulls back. The concern in his eyes is evident; a fine line forms between his brows. “What happened?”

  I move away from him and pull myself together. As I’m opening my mouth to tell him about the call, the five-minute warning bell rings through the air. “Fuck,” I murmur instead.

  “You don’t need to rush if you need more time.”

  I shake my head, deciding I’d rather go to class then relive the phone call again. “No. I’ll be fine.” I turn toward the door and look back over my shoulder. “Thank you, Carson.”

  He nods at me and I step back into the hallway, needing to get away from everything. I hurry down the hall until I make it to where I know Bridget’s next class is, scanning the area in front of me until I finally see her.

  “Bridge,” I call out from across the hall. She halts and turns to me.

  “What’s up?”

  I pick up my pace and reach her with labored breath. “I was looking for you.”

  “Oh really? Everything cool?”

  “Yeah. I just need a distraction.”

  She arches an eyebrow at me. “Is everything okay? Did something happen?”

  “Yes. No. I just—I just need to do something.”

  “Are you talking now? Like cut out of school early, or can you make it until three and we can go somewhere after school?”

  “I can make it.” It’s hard being here today, but if I make a big deal and leave early, she’ll want the details about what happened. Honestly, she’ll want to know details regardless, but this way maybe I can skirt the issue.

  “Meet me outside around three. From there we can head to my place, then over to the weekly party at Coop’s place.” Since the first week of school, Coop’s place has been the Friday night hot spot. Surprisingly enough, I don’t dread going so much today.

  “Cool. Thanks, Bridge.”

  “What are besties for?” She winks, giving me a salute before heading off in the other direction, leaving me standing in the hall. The bell is about to ring, so I pick up my pace. I make it a point to walk on the far side of the hall from Carson’s class. I need to avoid the temptation of peeking in. After the kiss, some distance today might do me some good.

  When three o’clock comes, I find Bridget standing on the top step of the stairs waiting for me.

  “I’m starved,” she exclaims. No hello.

  “Good to know.” I laugh. “So, I take it you want to grab food?”

  “No shit, Sherlock, but where to go?”

  “Serendipity?”

  “I like the way you think, girl. Cab, walk?”

  “Well, how hungry are you? At this time of day, it will actually take longer to cab it.” I smirk.

  “True.”

  We walk down the steps and once on the sidewalk we fall into step with one another. She bitches about Mason, who apparently is now her “new boyfriend,” and I stay silent about whatever Carson is. By the time we get there, she’s in full-fledged rant mode.

  “I think he cheated on me.”

  The desire to clarify that I didn’t even know they were dating forms in my throat, but instead, I bite it back. The more I consider the fact she’s dating Mason, I really want to blurt out that it doesn’t surprise me, that his asshole best friend is a cheater, too. I try to bite my tongue, I really do. “Birds of a feather,” I finally say. Yeah, I couldn’t help
myself.

  “Right. You are so right. I should have known when you found Matt with his dick in some other girl, there’d be a good chance Mason would do it to me, too.”

  “Before you get all nuts, how about you present the evidence.” I pull the door open and we walk over to the hostess.

  “Two, please.”

  “Lunch or dessert?” she asks from behind the stand.

  I look over to Bridget and she puckers her lips and then says, “Both. My boyfriend is cheating.” All I can do is shake my head. Only Bridget would tell the hostess her boyfriend is cheating. God, I love this girl.

  The hostess’ jaw drops. “Oh.”

  Awkward much.

  “I’ll . . . Follow me.”

  I pull Bridget along and we follow the hostess to a little wrought iron table. “Here are your menus. A waitress should be with you in a minute.”

  Once seated, we start looking at our options. When a short brunette comes over, Bridget doesn’t even wait for her to speak before chiming right in with our order.

  “Okay, frozen hot chocolate, foot long hot dog, chili fries?” She turns to me and all I can do is roll my eyes before I laugh.

  “Wow, girl. Binge eating?”

  “What part of I think he cheated did you not understand?”

  “Okay, one, you have been dating for like a minute, so how is it even possible he cheated on you, and two . . . You know what? Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

  “One, he never answers the phone. Two, when he did finally answer I heard a girl in the background. Three, there was a picture of him on Facebook all chummy with a girl.”

  “Did you confront him?”

  “He’s in college. What am I supposed to say? I don’t want to be that immature high school girl, you know?”

  “Yeah, I get it.” And I totally do. Maybe it isn’t exactly the same thing, but when I’m alone with Carson, I try my hardest to not act like I’m only eighteen.

  She emits a loud groan, almost in defeat. “I guess I’ll ask him. I am being pretty crazy.”

  “You think?” The sarcasm drips from my voice, but for added effect I purse my lips and raise my eyebrows.