Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories

by Harry Dodgson

  "In the morning, Eric explained we weren't pirates and sent carriages for us."

  "And then the gallant Eric showed up on his white steed to teach the villagers a lesson and ride off with the beautiful Fianna."

  "I like your version better. You can write all my adventures."

  "I don't even write my own. Some writer in New York who I've never met thinks up wild events and puts my name on them."

  "The places you've been and the things you have done must have been just as interesting as those a man in a city invented for you."

  After dinner is the time for the men and women to segregate. I didn't mind it as the men broke out their pipes and cigars which made it difficult to breathe near them. It would have been worse had I been wearing my corset. I guess I should be thankful it didn't fit with this dress. The other women wore all kinds of clothes, likely what they wore for special occasions in their home country, so I didn't feel like I was overdressed either.

  I'm not sure if it was good or bad that the only item of interest among the women was me. Hopefully, Gerald was doing better getting information from the men. From our conversations, travelling here had been uneventful for the women. I wished one of my trips would proceed without incident. I kept them entertained with my stories of the pirates until we left.

  Someone had thoughtfully given Bradan a lantern and he led the way back to the guest house. This day had started rather unpleasant, but had gotten better and better as it progressed. I was feeling good tonight. I hoped it would continue as we attended the exhibition. Jim was scheduled to perform tomorrow afternoon and I would have my turn the following day.

  My room had a bowl and pitcher in it so I just rinsed my hands and face. My days had been going back and forth between good and bad. If the trend continued, tomorrow was going to be bad. I wished I could stay in bed all day and wait for the next good day. I kicked off my slippers, unpinned my hair, and was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.

  Later that night I was woken up by a knocking on my door. This was happening far too often for me. A soldier was standing there. I put on my boots and my gun belt. Soldiers in the middle of the night could only mean a few things; all bad. My bad day had started already. He escorted me to their security office located in the castle. I was worried that Gerald had been caught snooping around until I noticed that Bradan was standing by the bridge. They had woken Eric as well and he was talking with an officer when I was shown in.

  "Let me guess, "I said, "You found something that is grey with three legs, four arms, and an attitude of superiority."

  Eric replied, "That is a very good description of what we caught. Fianna, this is Major Meyers."

  The Major motioned to a nearby cell. "We found this creature attempting to steal from us. We have heard tales that you know of them."

  "To be sure, I know them all too well. We call them jeebees. It is short for some long-winded name the army gave them."

  The Major said, "The penalty for espionage is the firing squad... after an interrogation and trial of course."

  I replied, "Let me save you some time."

  I drew my pistol and fired a bullet into its head. It made the usual mess in response.

  Eric protested, "But we could have gotten information from it."

  I stated, "That jeebee was just a drone. You can expect more of them around. You can torture one, interrogate it, or even tickle it. There is nothing you can do to it that will matter to the one that controls it. Oh, anything I tell you does not leave this room lest your people think you are in league with monsters. Just look what they did to us for being seen within 100 feet of pirates."

  Eric tried again. "But you just shot it in the head."

  I replied, "That's the easiest way to kill it, although the scientists aren't sure if the drones are even alive. I can't stand them and I shoot them without hesitation once they are in range. They are ruining my life and I plan to ruin theirs."

  The Major asked, "What do we do with it now?"

  "Bradan will bury it once you can't stand the stench. We need to get it outside though since he can't fit in here. Do you have something you don't want any more that you can wrap around it?"

  We talked about other things until two guards returned with an old bed sheet. They rolled the jeebee in the sheet while I stayed where I couldn't see or smell it. They carried it out the front gate where Bradan was waiting for them. I followed at a distance.

  I said, "Hello, Bradan. Do you see what the guards caught tonight?"

  I WARNED THEM

  "So that's why they managed to catch it. Are there any others nearby?"

  NO

  "We need to work out a way for you to alert me when I'm sleeping. I'll have to see what Felix can design when I get home. For now, Eric said the best place to bury this one is North of the castle."

  OKAY

  I wandered back to my room deep in thought. My job involved helping to keep their existence a secret, but I didn't care much for that part of it. I'd rather every man and woman knew about them so they could protect their families. At least, I could inform the soldiers and constables how to get rid of them. It wasn't part of the assignment, but I needed to find out what their plans were, and I had to make sure they failed.

  • May 1

  I woke up with the sun shining through my window. After freshening up, I went down to the lobby. I planned to wait for Gerald, but he was all ready and waiting for me.

  After the morning pleasantries were said, I continued with, "You were correct. It was confirmed last night." We moved to a corner and I explained what had happened.

  He said, "Since we know and they know, we can leave for home."

  "I think we should help the soldiers. We know that where there is one jeebee, there are at least five more. There could be much more than that looking for some new invention. I will ask around and see if anyone has developed a new weapon or something that can be used as one."

  "Our assignment was just to verify that they were here."

  "I thought you wanted an exterminator? Here I am and I don't feel like leaving until I am satisfied there aren't any jeebees left around."

  "I believe we should leave when the airship is fixed."

  I thought it was my airship? If you want to leave, you can get your own."

  "I think I said the airship was being loaned to you while on an assignment for us."

  "My assignment doesn't end until I perform at the exhibition tomorrow afternoon. That was the reason everyone thinks I am here. It wouldn't make sense for me to leave earlier than that, no matter when the airship is repaired."

  "I've taught you too well. I surrender. We'll leave when you decide."

  "I'm glad you see things my way."

  "A quick lesson; when a man surrenders, you cease firing at them. It is bad sport to kick a man while he is down."

  "Why not? That seems the best time for it."

  He sighed. "I'll let you think about it."

  I found Bradan waiting for me outside and we walked to the castle. I wanted him to check for more jeebees and figured it would be easier to get a ride to the exhibition there than here. I saw a gathering of men standing near a wagon. I hoped they weren't all waiting for a ride as well. We got near them and I was surprised to see my cousin Felix in the group.

  I said, "Hello cousin, what are you doing here?"

  "I am here to sell my latest invention; the anti-flood device."

  I expected to see some giant device filled with hoses and pistons. I looked around me then back at Felix. He pointed to a device on the back of the wagon. "It's over there," he said.

  "That little box on the wagon stops floods?"

  His device looked familiar. Not like I had seen an anti-flood device before, but what it was made of looked like common parts. It was a metal box, similar in size to an ammunition case, with four aluminium colanders mounted on top of it. The colanders were on their sides with the open part facing outwards and fastened together in the middle by an al
uminium rod about two inches around and a foot high. It reminded me of his automatic whisk in an unpleasant way.

  He said, "Many things work best at one size. Take your rifle for example. Too long and you can't hold it; too short means you lose range and accuracy. My anti-flood device is the perfect size."

  "How does it work?" I asked.

  "It's scientific. You wouldn't understand. But you are welcome to attend my demonstration shortly."

  "It still seems too small to prevent my entire country from flooding. You do know that floods are big things here, not like getting water in your basement," stated Eric. It looked like an official meeting, so I curtsied to him.

  "That is the one of the secrets. It stops a flood while it is still a small thing instead of waiting for it to get large enough to wash over multiple countries," he boasted. "Gentlemen... and cousin, I will have you know it is keeping this entire country from being flooded as we speak."

  I responded, "You are telling me that once you turn it off, we will be knee-deep in water?"

  "From the rumours, you've come close to that already this week. I wouldn't want to tempt fate if I were you."

  "Do you two quarrel like this often?" asked Eric.

  "It is entertaining," I said.

  Felix added, "What she said goes for me too."

  Eric addressed me, "Fianna, would you be interested in seeing my greenhouse? It is beautiful this time of year; tulips in every colour of the rainbow."

  Felix interrupted before I could answer. "You two cannot run off and play in the flowers until after my demonstration."

  I replied, "To be sure, we won't run off until later. Whether your contraption works or not, I am sure you will give us all a good show."

  Felix asked, "Do you mind if I borrow your automaton to carry my device? It is heavier that it appears."

  I said, "Ask him yourself. You know he has a mind of his own."

  Bradan was helpful as always and carried Felix's device while we led the way. The device didn't appear that heavy and I suspected Felix had wanted to talk to me privately. Bradan made a good wall between us and the others.

  He asked, "Why didn't you tell me you knew people here?"

  "I'm sure I asked you to give my regards to Eric right after you told me you were coming. That's right; you didn't tell me you were travelling, did you? It must have been a surprise to Mary or everyone back home would have known."

  "For her it is a holiday. For me it is work. I've been working my way up through those minor functionaries for a week to arrange a demonstration for Eric and you two just happen to be good friends?"

  I asked, "Where is Mary?"

  "She is in town spending the money that I haven't gotten yet."

  "I guess you two don't need the presents I bought for you then."

  "I wouldn't say that. At least not until you've given them to us. When do we get them?"

  "You'll have to wait until my airship is fixed. The presents are in the cargo hold."

  "How did you get an airship?"

  "'Tis included with my new job."

  "When did you get a job?"

  "Three days ago."

  We had walked a short distance to where a small river fed the pond. I noticed three children playing in the water. They were just chasing and splashing each other. Felix had Bradan place the device on a small table setup near the pond. When everyone caught up to us, he started his demonstration.

  "I assembled this row of bricks earlier. They will represent one of your dikes. The children playing in the water represent a storm. When my device is off, the waves wash over the dike, as expected."

  He waved at the children and they jumped around, creating bigger waves in the pond. He turned back to his device and made a few adjustments. He gestured to his miniature wall in the pond where the water was now still.

  "As you can see, due to my device, the waves have stopped flowing over the dike even with a large disturbance on the other side. Feel free to come up and try it yourself."

  Felix spent an hour showing everyone that his device worked while Bradan and I stood out of his way. I wondered why he hadn't come to me last week and asked me to assist him. I guessed that he hadn't liked the disturbance that we caused the last time. His demonstration concluded with the usual promises to get back with him shortly. Bradan and I helped him pack everything and carry it to the wagon.

  He said, "I heard rumours about things whose description match jeebees this morning. That means you know everything about what happened. Tell me all about it sparing no details."

  "They captured it. I shot it. Bradan buried it. That's all there is to tell."

  "Why was it here? Did they question it? There has to be more than that."

  "Part of my job is not to tell people about them. You shouldn't talk about them either lest people think you created them. These people are quick to judge others."

  "You really know how to take the excitement out of a day."

  "You know the kind of excitement they bring. Hopefully, it is just a coincidence that you are here with your latest invention and they are here too... Talking about inventions, can you come up with something that Bradan can use to alert me when the jeebees attack?"

  He thought for a few seconds. "That is not a hard task. All steam engines have whistles. We just need one with a distinctive sound so you can recognise it."

  "I hope you find one quieter than on the trains."

  "I really don't know why it doesn't have one already."

  "Maybe he did have one and the jeebees removed it. It would be the kind of thing I would expect them to do. Could you look at him and see?"

  He walked around Bradan, inspecting and poking at him.

  "I found a panel in the right place, but I'd have to shut it down for a day to examine it when we get home. The panel is very hot."

  "I don't like that idea. Do you have any others?"

  "Not yet."

  Bradan and I got a ride to the exhibition. I thought of having him stay by the castle in case of another attempt, but I wanted him around to carry things. I was sure they had plenty of items that I just couldn't live without. It was a huge exhibition with much to look at and a good selection of items from all around the world on sale.

  In a place this size, it had to be fate that Eric and I found each other. We smiled at each other and I curtsied. He said, "Don't do that or everyone will start."

  I asked, "What is it that I will do then, kind sir?"

  "At this time and place... walk with me and treat me like one of your friends.

  "I can do that. By the way, I bought a small present for you while I was buying things for my girlfriends." I turned back to Bradan. "Do you know which bag Eric's present is in?"

  He shuffled the bags around and handed me one. I reached in it, fumbled around, and brought out a small box. I handed the bag back to Bradan and the box to Eric. I asked him not to open it until later. Then we walked under an archway and into another world.

  He said, "This is our pavilion. It is the largest one. We are showcasing colonialism and our colonies around the world."

  "'Tis not what I was expecting."

  "We recreated similar environments and populated them with those that live there. As you can see, they are not civilised like we are. Maybe with our help, and a thousand years' time, they will be ready to be welcomed into society."

  "They appear quite content with their way of life. They seem peaceful."

  "We work hard to keep them from fighting amongst themselves. Since none of them have anything, they fight over everything."

  "That's barbaric!"

  "We also need to control their reproducing. As it is, they breed like rabbits and there will soon be too many of them for their land and their food sources."

  I looked away and shielded my eyes with my fan. "I see what you mean. Over there is a young boy trying to become a young man.

  "Such savages. One cannot teach them the simplest things, like what is for public display and what isn't." />
  "I hope it is worth the effort."

  "I heard a rumour yesterday that the Yanks are trying to crossbreed with their former slaves to produce ones with spots."

  I tried to sound pompous and said, "Really? I would think it was common knowledge doing that produces ones with stripes." We both burst out laughing. I got myself under control again and said, "Now you know why Felix and I quarrel like we do."

  "I almost forgot... If you wish to perform today, there is an opening at the firing range in just over an hour. Jim has cancelled his performance. Something about being under the weather."

  I added, "Or it could have been the Siamese cuisine."

  "He had requested for two targets to be placed at 40 yards out and two tables on the left side of the stage. What would you like?"

  "The wind seems calm this afternoon. Could you have three targets placed at 240 yards?"

  "I think that is still inside the firing range, but just barely. Please excuse me while I inform people about the schedule change."

  The firing range was set up outside the exhibition, but just a short walk away. I guess it was fortunate for Eric that Bradan always carried my rifle when we were in public. It would have taken too long to retrieve it from the guest house. I would have liked to change into something nicer, like the dress I had brought for my performance tomorrow, but what I was wearing was okay. We arrived with plenty of time to prepare.

  A man asked me, "Have you ever worked with translators?"

  I answered, "No, I haven't."

  "Take your time speaking, just a few sentences at a time, and they'll do all the hard work."

  The translators went on stage first and introduced me. I went up next to a mixture of noises from the audience. I gestured for Bradan to come on stage which got a better reaction. He handed me my rifle and I told the audience what I recalled about it.

  The Magnificent James Anderson was known for quick draws and a good aim. I needed something to interest an audience. I had planned to ask Jim tonight for ideas. I got ready for my first shot, took aim at the bulls-eye, and then the idea came to me.

  I slowly put three bullets just left of the centre, spaced a few inches below each other. The idea was to make people think I couldn't hit the bulls-eye. I repeated the three shots in the centre and again on the right. It looked like the pips on a domino, as neatly arranged as I could get them. I set my rifle down and had someone bring me the target so the audience could see it.