Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories

by Harry Dodgson

  Lieutenant Reed asked, "What is in the crate?"

  "It contains the mortar shells for the railway gun."

  "Pardon me, Miss Kelly, but why do you have those?"

  "I have them because the gun is mounted at the front of my ship. 'Tis a long and painful story."

  He said, "You can tell us later if you wish. Where should we take them?"

  "There are special padded shelves at the rear of the ship where the shells should be stored. Please do not drop any."

  "We will treat them with the care they deserve."

  I told Gwen, "These are the only two men to have fired it in a battle. It was still mounted on a flatcar then."

  She said, "That is why they are here! Colonel Reynolds wouldn't have known about me and assumed you needed these men to help fire your cannon."

  I said, "That begs the question. Who should fire it, them or us?"

  She said, "I think we should all fire it together."

  I saw another man at the door. He said, "We thought you two ladies might be getting hungry so we brought you something to eat." He indicated a cart filled with food. I guessed there was enough on it to feed my family for a week. Everyone followed as I walked outside to the cargo door and opened it. I pointed out the mortar crate to the Lieutenants and Bradan suggested a spot for the latest packages.

  The man said, "I also brought you these for later." I looked in the crate that he indicated and saw it contained boxes with a variety of pistol, shotgun, and rifle cartridges; enough for a small army. Was it just coincidence that as I thought of a small army, one came marching in my direction? I doubted it. They were pulling something on large wheels behind them. Someone must have expected the vote would turn out wrong and planned for everything I would need.

  I recognised the Sergeant in command as well as a few of the men in formation. He said, "The men and I would appreciate it if we could have an airship tour, if you get my meaning."

  Gwen said, "Of course you can. Hi, I am Gwendoline, your tour guide for today. My, you are a big group. Why don't I start with the cargo area? Would the last man in please close the door behind him?"

  I looked confused. She turned to me and said, "A tour is another name for the time that soldiers spend in combat zones."

  One soldier asked, "Do you have someplace we can put this for a short time? It was just serviced and we don't want it to get wet should it rain."

  I said, "Just wheel it in here. You'll probably have to tie it down so it doesn't roll out."

  I looked under the tarpaulin and was surprised to see a Gatling gun. I said, "This is wonderful! I've wanted one of these for years. How did you know?"

  The Sergeant said, "We weren't sure you'd like it, but it was just sitting there waiting to be used... An added benefit of this one is the cartridges it uses contain Cordite instead of black powder so you can fire without taking it outside of your airship."

  Gwen turned back to the soldiers. "Welcome aboard, Gentlemen. We don't have rooms for everyone so you'll have to double up."

  I was so used to just looking at soldiers, I hadn't realised these were all wearing pistol belts and knapsacks. I now had my platoon. I went outside in order to get to the main door without having to go up and down the stairs. I called in, "Gentlemen, please get her ready to depart. We are leaving post haste. I just have to show them our papers."

  The flight controller was an older, rotund man who smiled when he saw me. He said, "I was expecting to see you today. I personally made sure the water and gas tanks on your ship were refilled as soon as you touched down."

  I replied, "Thank you very much."

  "Your papers are in order and you are cleared to takeoff. I wish you good hunting and a safe return."

  I ran back to the Clover, waved at the soldiers releasing the mooring lines, and watched out the door as we left the army base below us.

  The men were all standing about the sitting room looking lost. Seeing as the Colonel gave them to me, I figured I should dress for the part. I located Gwen in the cargo area talking to Bradan and we went to my stateroom.

  "Remember yesterday when you said I'd have to tell you how I dressed," I said. "Now, I need your help with this too."

  We found some modest undergarments that would not show. Gwen helped me arrange my hair into something she called a French braid. She also showed me how to do my face so it looked as if I hadn't. I took a long look at myself in the mirror and I liked what I saw. A stark white blouse with gold buttons at the cuffs above a dark blue skirt. It did not flare out much and came down to just over my knees. That was good as I was not proud of my knees. The uniform included black stockings which came up to my thighs.

  Gwen helped me put on the dark blue Frock coat. It was double-breasted with two rows of gold buttons and a red sash about the waist. It was fitted close, but not too tight. The caubeen looked absurd on me and kept falling off so I put it back in the box. As a final touch, Gwen fastened the shoulder boards onto the coat.

  She said, "May I say Major, that you look very good in uniform and I am proud to be in your command."

  I said, "There are a few things missing." I put an ornate gold bracelet on my left wrist, put on my gun belt, and put my new goggles on my forehead. "Now I'm ready."

  We went down to the sitting room and the men stared at us, as expected. I called to the aviators, "What direction are we headed?"

  Ethan replied, "We are headed North, Major."

  I said, "Now don't you two start that! I've only been in uniform a few minutes and everyone is treating me differently. North is a good direction. Take it nice and easy and head toward Liverpool. When we get there, turn towards Edinburgh. If anyone or anything is watching, we want to be seen going between cities."

  I looked about the room. "Sergeant, please give the men something productive to do, or arrange for them to have a sleep break, or whatever you guys do when you are headed into battle."

  I glanced at Gwen. "Let's go back to the cargo area and talk."

  I greeted Bradan and asked if there was anything he needed.

  SYSTEMS ARE OKAY

  I asked Gwen, "Do you have any questions left or have we solved all the puzzles?"

  She replied, "I just have one question. Why you?"

  "I'm not sure what you mean. Could you be more specific?"

  "Why is it that you, a normal Irish woman, is suddenly in command of an armed airship, 21 men, and me?"

  "I've been so busy today, I haven't had time to think about that. A few days ago, I was talking with Felix about destiny. This could just be the result of that one night when I shot those two jeebees instead of running away like a scared little girl. It's not something I have asked for. You have seen that I asked for nothing today. From what I can tell this was all set in motion when you sent the telegram."

  "Do you ever get the feeling that you are just a pawn being played on a giant chessboard?"

  "I have felt that way before. To continue the comparison, today I have reached the last row and have been promoted to a Queen. Let's see what I can do when I'm not being pushed down the board in a straight line."

  She asked, "Have you made any plans for when we reach the mountain?"

  "I haven't. Have you?"

  "I plan to shoot everything on three legs until they stop moving."

  "That's a very good plan."

  A soldier interrupted us. "Excuse me for disturbing you, Major, but the pilots say you are needed."

  Gwen said, "I'd like to stay here and see if I can find any chocolate in these boxes; with your permission, of course."

  I smiled and said, "You have my permission to share anything sweet you find with me."

  When I got to the sitting room, the men were looking at the windows on the port side. I felt like I had seen this before.

  Ethan said, "Your pirate friend would like to come visit."

  I said, "Signal that we are headed to war."

  A few minutes later he said, "He insists that you talk with him... Hold on... He i
s saying he won't detain you long."

  "Okay. Gentlemen," I said. "Prepare to be boarded." The soldiers looked about them; clearly confused. I laughed and said, "That means open the door and get out of the way."

  The contraption set itself in place and then Captain Benton came across.

  He looked about the room filled with soldiers and said, "I wish you a good evening and I come bearing gifts. First, let me tell you that I do like your new uniform. It suits you very well. You might consider a sabre on your right; just to balance it out."

  I blushed and thanked him.

  He continued, "Let me show you the fish we caught. I believe they belong to you."

  A sailor arrived next. He seemed familiar. He exclaimed "Wow! What a ride. I bet people would pay for that." When he saw me, he asked, "Permission to come aboard, Major?"

  I replied, "Permission granted." That continued for another dozen men ending with Captain Plumer.

  I said, "Are these the gifts you mentioned or are there more surprises in store?"

  He smiled and said, "These are all I have for you tonight. They had little left when we pulled them out of the bog."

  I said, "You were correct that I have a destiny. It appears that you have one as well. Mine is taking me into a war in command of all these men. Do you know where yours is taking you?"

  He said, "My destiny appears to be helping those who cannot help themselves..."

  It was quiet and I noticed the sailors were staring past me. I turned around and saw that Gwen had come forward. She was smiling like a kid with her hand in a cookie jar. She said, "I think the Admirals will be upset when they notice their candy is missing." She held out a piece of chocolate. "These are filled with cherries and brandy and are so delicious. I can't get high by eating them, but it would be fun to try."

  I took the candy from her and took a bite of it. "This is rather good. Save a few for me."

  I turned back around, "For those who don't know, this young lady is Gwendoline. She is a distant relative of mine."

  Gwen added, "A very distant relative," and laughed.

  "She likes to show off. 'Tis a family trait."

  Captain Benton said, "Speaking of showing off, you should have seen the spectacle earlier. We were flying along and there was a thunderclap followed by a huge fireball in the sky. That's how we came upon these poor men; sitting in their gondola with no balloon."

  The room was quiet so he continued. "We went down to rescue them and salvage what we could. To be truthful, mostly the latter. Billy found one of your paper targets, asked about it, and here we are."

  "Well Captains, what do you think of my new crew?"

  Captain Plumer said, "My men and I would like to join."

  Captain Benton added, "These look like fine men; well-seasoned and ready to fight. If your men need work when they've served their country and queen long enough, they can join my crew."

  I said, "I wish you many safe journeys. When next we meet, the first round is on me, as usual."

  He left and the contraption folded itself up and followed him.

  I was getting used to giving orders. I told the pilots to resume course, but slow. With all this extra weight, I felt we would drop if we stopped moving for too long. I told all the men to find a seat someplace.

  I said to Captain Plumer, "Now Captain, I'd like to hear the rest of your story. When we arrived at the army base, they told us you were going to look at where the jeebees were hiding."

  "That's correct," he started. "Our orders were to circle the mountain a few times looking for all access routes. It was a stupid idea, but the Admirals didn't ask for my opinion."

  "I've been in the same room with them and I believe that stupid does not describe how close-minded and self-centred your Admirals are. Based on the secrecy of our departure, I would even accuse them of intentionally sending you out to be killed. Please go on."

  "I think the jeebees waited until they were certain we weren't some passenger ship off course before taking action. We noticed something like a colander or metal dish in a cave mouth. It swung around and our balloon caught fire all at once."

  Gwen said, "That sounds like something new."

  The Captain resumed his story, "We jettisoned the envelope, pointed the gondola away from the mountains, and managed to keep it level until we hit. We floundered around in a bog until your pirate friend rescued us."

  I said, "You are fortunate he was there. He is usually flying over Ireland."

  I turned to the pilots, "Asher, it appears the jeebees are not only expecting us, but are prepared to knock us out of the sky. Find us someplace to set down at least ten miles away from them. We need a plan of battle."

  I looked around the room. "Gwen, Captain, Sergeant, and Lieutenants. We are going to make plans. Follow me."

  We went to my stateroom and all sat around the table, except Gwen who was looking out the windows.

  I began, "Gwen asked me earlier why I was placed in command. I have been thinking about that and would like to turn command over to Captain Plumer now."

  Captain Plumer said, "Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I'm not sure if you are really a Major, but if so you outrank me and should be the one in command."

  I said, "But I am not trained in the ways of war."

  The Sergeant said, "Neither was Joan of Arc and look what she did for France."

  I said, "As I recall her own people burned her at the stake."

  The Captain replied, "Actually our people made them do it, and they only did it because she wore pants."

  I said, "So can you guys give me a good reason why I was chosen? Let's go around the table."

  Lieutenant Mills said, "We need someone who both soldiers and sailors will follow. The sailors don't know me and the soldiers don't know Captain Plumer. We all know and trust you."

  I said, "No-one knew about the sailors when we left. Colonel Reynolds should have placed one of you two in charge at that time. Captain, it's your turn. Why me?"

  Captain Plumer said, "I think you are asking the wrong question. Try this one. If not you, who else?"

  I said, "That's something I need to think about. I don't have an answer for that now. Let's continue."

  Lieutenant Reed said, "I think the Colonel needed to place you in charge so he could truthfully say to the Generals that he did not send troops into battle against their orders. We dropped off presents, the cooks dropped off lunch, and the soldiers just came along for the ride. None of which will get him court-martialled even if they figure it all out."

  I said, "So, he was lucky that I just happened to be waiting with a well-armed airship... Okay Sergeant, you saw me walking down the road with nothing but my rifle and Bradan carrying my portmanteau. Now you see me here in my private airship and commanding three dozen men. Why did this happen to me?"

  He said, "It's good you picked me last as I've been told I'm long-winded. I've been admiring your rifle and gun that you have displayed so proudly on the wall. You should know they aren't that good. The gunsmith was ordered to pick something out for you. He picked out what he had sitting around that he didn't like much."

  "I thought he was giving me a rifle that would help me win the tournament."

  "No, he wasn't. And it didn't matter, did it? You showed him that you were one of the best using an untested rifle. It wasn't the rifle; it was you... He gave you this pistol. Give me a double action revolver instead. That's a gun anyone can use. If I had tried to shoot a jeebee with this, I would have fumbled the hammer and the knob trying to get it right. I've seen how fast the jeebees are and it would have shot me before I had gotten around to aiming at it. Again, it is you that won the day for us."

  "Are you saying that I was chosen because I shoot well?"

  "I haven't gotten to the point yet. I was there on the road that day and you could have run and hid. Instead you jumped out and showed us how to kill jeebees. I was there in London. You could have taken shelter in the passenger car with the other women and the children.
You were out there with us. We might have won without you, but it would have taken longer... What I am saying is you don't surrender, you don't retreat, and most of all you don't panic. Given a choice between you and ten Generals, I'd pick you."

  Lieutenant Reed added, "But you do not have to make all the decisions by yourself. We are here to help you. We don't have your experience with the jeebees so you must guide us as well."

  I turned to Gwen. "We have the answer to your question. Half of them say I was chosen because I am adorable with a rifle in my hands and the other half say I was chosen because there wasn't anyone else waiting to kill jeebees... Now that is settled, shall we make plans?"

  Captain Plumer asked, "Does anyone have a map of the hills? Mine went down with the Constellation."

  The Sergeant said, "What would you officers do without us to carry maps for you?" and took one from his shirt pocket and gave it to me.

  I laughed and replied, "They'd likely order some poor Captain to fly over the enemy and draw one."

  I spread out the map and said, "I would like to hear any and all suggestions about how to attack them."

  Lieutenant Reed offered, "How about we hide in the clouds until we get close, and then drop as fast as we can to surprise them?"

  I asked Captain Plumer, "Is that what you were doing?"

  He said, "That's what we tried. It didn't turn out so well."

  I said, "I think I know the weapon that shot at the Constellation. That sounds similar to my cousin's anti-flood device. If there are storm clouds near, it can create lightning bolts within them. That fits the description of what happened."

  Captain Plumer asked, "How do we deal with it?"

  "If it's not running, we can destroy the device. If they start it up, it has to be shut down properly first."

  He pointed to a spot on the map and said, "This was where we saw it."

  I asked, "What else did you see?"

  He pointed out two more places. "We saw entrances into the mountain here and there. There could have been sentries at those points, but it was difficult to tell from that high up."