by Cassie James
Jax reaches over me, and I watch as he hands Smith a condom. I think that answers my question about what happens next—until I hear the unmistakable crinkle of Jax opening a wrapper behind me.
Jax pushes me onto my back again, but holds himself back, propping his elbow up on the bed as he rests his head against his hand. Smith’s the one that climbs back over me, his mouth finding mine as he nudges my legs farther apart. Jax must not think it’s far enough, because I distinctly feel his hand grab my thigh and pull me open even more.
When Smith presses into me for the first time, it’s instant bliss. He takes his time, completely unhurried as he explores all the different sounds and reactions I make as he tests the waters. He’s adapting. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. He doesn’t just go all in, he takes the time to note exactly what I need, more in tune with my body than anyone has ever been. He discovers things I didn’t even know I liked, like the certain swivel of his hips that strokes inside of me in a way that makes me jolt.
He’s too good. I don’t last any time at all before I’m moaning out my release, one arm clasped around his back as my other hand somehow ending up against Jax’s chest. He isn’t far behind me, clearly a pro at good timing.
By the time he relieves me of his body weight, both of us completely spent for the moment, I realize I’ve got a few stray tears in my eyes. I wipe them away, embarrassed that he elicited a response like that. He leans over to kiss my damp cheeks, completely unsurprised by my wave of unexpected emotion. I know for sure in that moment, if I didn’t know it before, that Smith was right not to sleep with me at his house that day. This was clearly what he needed and giving it to him brought me far more pleasure than I thought possible.
I glance over at Jax, curious now about him, even though I can barely feel my limbs right now. His eyebrows raise.
“You need a break,” he says.
“I don’t need a break,” I blurt out, not at all interested in missing whatever is supposed to happen next.
“I don’t think you can take anymore right now.” He shakes his head. He doesn’t seem disappointed when he says it, just a little resigned. There’s supposed to be more. I can tell. And I want it all. Everything the two of them have to give me.
“Jax,” his name rolls off my lips in a plea.
His expression falters. He might act so tough, but he’s not immune to feelings. And goddamn, are there a lot of feelings in this room right now.
Caving to me, he climbs off the bed and offers me a hand. As I stand up next to him, leaning into him for balance, he offers Smith a hand to help him up, too. I don’t know why, but apparently Smith does, because he shucks his used condom in the wastebasket by the bed and then takes the seat that Jax vacated before. Jax pushes me closer, his hand on the back of my neck as he has me stand directly in front of Smith’s seated form.
“Put your hands on his knees,” he tells me. This is crazy. But I do what he says.
Smith reaches for me, tucking my hair behind my ear and then touching my cheek as I can feel Jax lining himself up against me. There’s nothing in the world that could have prepared me for the moment he sinks into me.
There’s nothing gentle about it this time like the first time. His hands grip my hips so hard I’m sure they’ll be bruised later, but it’s worth every wince of pain. He has to hold me that hard or I would go flying from the way he fucks me like he’s punishing me. This is what I thought sex with Jax would be like, and it’s every bit as delicious as having sex with him the first time was. I loose myself in all of the sensations assaulting my senses. My hands on Smith’s knees as Jax fucks me from behind. The gentle way Smith explores me from the front, but never enough to distract from what Jax is doing.
I thought it would be like taking turns having sex, but that’s not how it actually feels. We’re one unit. Each action blending into the next as the line between sex with Smith and sex with Jax blurs. When I’m overcome with yet another wave of pleasure, I cry out both their names, the syllables tangling until I’m not even sure either of them could tell what I cried out. My body feels weightless as Jax and Smith both help to hold me up until Jax finishes himself not long after.
As Jax pulls out of me, I sink down to the floor, my eyes on Smith as my legs give out on me. There’s still one thing left that I want. I crawl between his legs, putting a hand on each of his legs as I watch mesmerized while he stokes himself.
“Can I?” I nod to his lap.
“Yeah,” he chokes out.
I wrap my hand carefully around his, getting a feel for his rhythm for a moment before I’m brushing his hand away, wanting to touch him all by myself. I’ve never considered that I could be brazen in the bedroom, but damn if this day isn’t bringing it out in me.
I glance up at him as I lower my head, our eyes locked as I sink my mouth down over the length of him. He groans, throwing his head back and breaking our eye contact. His hands find the back of my head and tangle into my hair, which I know must be a wreck by now.
As I start to bob my head, I can see Jax move closer from the corner of my eye. With a little extra effort, I can see enough of him to see that he’s stroking himself as he watches me. His eyes are hooded as the sound of his groan joins Smith’s. Fuck, why is that so hot?
I’ve never considered myself that big a fan of doing this, but there’s something so unexplainably sexy about doing it knowing Jax is watching. That he’s touching himself to this. It turns me on, knowing I’m pleasing them both like this.
Maybe Smith is onto something. There are serious perks to being three in a room.
It isn’t long before Smith’s warning me that he’s almost there. I pull back just in time as Jax tosses him a towel. He was prepared. Jax offers me a hand to stand again as Smith cleans himself up.
I’m not expecting it, but Jax pulls me up against his chest and kisses me long and hard. And holy hell, I’ve never imagined anything like how hot it could be to have a guy kiss me moments after I’ve had my mouth around another guy’s dick.
Hours later, as the three of us lay tangled in a pile of limbs on the bed, each of us still only partially dressed, I’m struck by how truly full my heart feels. I might have decided to do this for Smith, but it turns out the person I really needed to do it for was me. I’ve been hanging on to these lingering fears that my dating arrangement with my guys isn’t really okay, but I can’t feel that way anymore after what just happened. How could anything ever be considered a mistake when it feels that good and that right? There’s no going back now, not ever.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The girls declare a girls’ day after finding out what happened with Jax, Smith, and me. They want details, but I only give them little snippets, keeping most of it to myself. I don’t think I could explain it all if I even tried.
We’re set up in Sadie’s room after she made her brother leave the house for the day. “Don’t act like you can be under the same roof as Jules and actually stay away,” she’d told him when he tried to protest. So now he’s off doing something with Patrick for the day while the girls pepper me with every awkward, probing question they can come up with. It’s not just the sex they want to know about, either. They want to know all the details they’ve missed out on since this whole thing started.
I want to be annoyed at the overabundance of questions, but a part of me is just relieved that Sadie is comfortable talking about it. After my visit with her at Banner-Hill, I really wasn’t sure she’d ever accept this. I tell her as much.
“I should never have said what I did. I realized that after I saw this whole love triangle thing play out while I was there. The three of them just kept ending up hurt, and I couldn’t help but think their problems would be solved if they’d just come to the same conclusion you have—that sometimes it’s not about choosing.” She sends me an apologetic smile.
I’ve forgiven her already, but it’s nice to be reminded that there’s no bad blood between us. We’ve finally started figuring thi
ngs out, Sadie, Salma, and I settling into a friendship between the three of us that works. It turns out sharing isn’t just for boyfriends. I got so caught up in my friendship with Salma for a while when Sadie was so out of sorts that when Sadie got back, it was hard to figure out how to make my friendships work. I don’t know why I acted like the three of us couldn’t be one cohesive unit. Now that they’ve gotten to know each other, I think Salma and Sadie are just as close to each other as I am to either of them.
“You know, there’s been a lot of talk around school. People are starting to get curious. I’m willing to bet by Winter Break you’re not the only sharing relationship at school. I’m sure everyone’s parents are going to flip out once they realize it,” Salma muses.
I cringe. “Yeah, I don’t really envy dealing with that issue, myself, honestly.” I’m lucky, I guess, that Pearl’s sickness allowed her to open up enough with me to cast her approval over my unorthodox relationship. I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be if or when the whole thing comes up with the guys’ parents. I don’t imagine most of them are going to be nearly as understanding. The ones I’ve met all like me well enough now, but it’s probably going to be a different story when they find out I’m carrying on relationships with three other guys.
I don’t know, it’s a problem for another day. I still maintain that my relationships aren’t nearly as problematic as a lot of the shit that goes down here. I’m sure I’ll make that argument when the time comes.
“Hey, I’m gonna go refill our drinks. Be right back,” Sadie tells us as she stands up to take our drink tray back to the kitchen. She had mocktails made for us since none of us are drinking.
Once Sadie is gone, Salma turns to me. I can tell she’s going to bring up her brother even before she does it, solely because the expression on her face is so sour. “I know I’ve apologize a gazillion times already, but I still feel like it hasn’t been enough.”
“Salma.” I shake my head. “It wasn’t your fault. People have to be responsible for their own shit, which means you don’t have to take responsibility for your brother.”
“I know,” she groans, “but I just feel like I should have seen it. The obsession. The way he kept asking about you and getting pushier and pushier about it. You’re so likable, it’s easy to not be surprised when guys like you. But I should have seen that this was something different.”
She’s been saying more or less the same thing ever since that shit with her brother happened. Apparently, Salma’s parents had neglected to let her in on some of the details of her brother being home instead of going back to college this fall. He assaulted a girl in the spring and got kicked out. Their parents decided the thing with me was the last straw. Unlike some parents in Patience, they decided to be proactive instead of sweeping things under the rug. I only had to make one statement to the police, at their parents’ request, and now he’s sitting in jail probably for the foreseeable future. Whatever plea deal he’d made after the first assault was voided after his second attempt.
The whole thing is so fucked up, and I’ve been forced to sit down with Dr. Peterson a few times because of it. Since the whole freaking school knows what happened. Not that it matters, I’m always careful not to say much to him. I’ve got plenty of people in my life to talk to—I have no interest in confiding in him.
I’m okay, despite how close I came to being seriously hurt. It’s so easy to get caught up in second-guessing myself, wondering if I would have been safe if I’d just done some things differently. But then I remember that in the moment, I was able to save myself, and that makes me feel stronger than I think I ever have. The world is a scary place, but it means something to know I’m not helpless.
“Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones hardest to see clearly,” I tell Salma just as my phone starts to ring. I glance at the caller ID, surprised to see Jan’s name. I haven’t been gone that long. A wave of dread crashes into me as I answer, “Hello?”
“Juliet?” I hear it in Jan’s voice before she says the words. “You need to come home.”
I’m up on my feet, moving across the room even before Salma can ask what’s happening. She follows me out of the room, grabbing Sadie on her way back from the kitchen as I head for the front door. They figure out what’s happening pretty easily as I start sprinting the distance from the Harringtons’ to Lexington Estate. They aren’t far behind me, but when we reach the house they pause outside the sitting room.
“We’ll wait out here, in case you need us,” Sadie tells me quietly.
My heart thumps painfully in my chest, my ribs feeling they’re contracting as I step into the room. Jan’s face is full of sympathy as I collapse into her arms at the sight of Pearl struggling to breathe. She didn’t want a million machines, so there’s nothing forcing her to stay alive any longer than her body decides to be.
Jan hugs me for a long moment before pulling away and telling me, “I’ll wait with your friends. You should have this time with your aunt.” I nod, even though the words barely reach my brain.
I feel like I’m wading through water with the effort it takes to cross the room to the chair by Pearl’s bed. I take her hand, trying not to shudder at how cold her hand feels.
“I’m glad you’re home, my girl,” Pearl says, surprising me. I can tell she doesn’t just mean that I’m home right now. She means it in the bigger sense, that I came home to Patience last year, and home to her. Her eyes don’t open, but her words are clearer than they’ve been in months. Maybe it’s not as bad as Jan thinks. “Tell me what you’ll do when I’m gone.”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. I don’t want to think about that, much less acknowledge it out loud. We’ve had much longer together than anyone predicted, but I’m still not ready. It hasn’t been enough time—it could never be enough time.
Tears roll over my cheeks as I grasp her hand tighter. Her fingers lightly squeeze back with what I imagine is all the strength she has left.
“You’ll take care of the estate?” She’s really going to make me do this with her.
“This is home,” I somehow manage to choke out. “I’ll always take care of it.”
“Good.” One of her fingers strokes the inside of my wrist. “And fill this place with babies, Juliet. This place deserves babies. I don’t care if you have them with eight different men, just make sure you have them.” She pauses for a quick wheeze. “Patience will get over it. They always do.”
I can’t help but laugh even as tears stream harder down my face. It’s such a weird thing for her to be fixated on right now, but I guess I get it. It’s been a long time since this house was a home full of life, and she just wants to know that I’ll fix that. That I won’t let the Lexington line end with me.
“I guess I’ll have to hire a lot of nannies,” I tell her, wanting things to be lighter. Wanting to not think about how the minutes are ticking down. How every minute that passes is one less I have left with her.
She falls into silence for several minutes and I lay my head down on the bed next to her as I keep hold of her hand. I don’t even bother to conceal my sobbing. It hurts too bad to do anything but let it out. There are too many questions left unanswered and too many things we haven’t done together. I should have taken an interest in Pearl’s garden. Or asked her more about my father.
“Juliet.” I raise my head and Pearl’s eyes are open this time. She reaches out as if to pat me over my heart, but her hand wavers and misses. Her fingers accidentally brush the key around my neck, instead, sending it swinging on its chain. She blinks and then her eyes close again as she whispers, “You have everything you need right here.”
And those are the last words she ever says.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“We made it work the best we could,” the funeral director tells me apologetically.
I’m biting down hard on my bottom lip, and I can tell from the gentle way he talks that he’s worried I’m going to start crying. I don’t have the heart to
tell him I’m trying not to fucking laugh. The casket looks absolutely ridiculous. White fabric is sticking out all over the place and I’m not honestly sure how they’re going to get it closed. On such a sad day, it’s nice to have something so outrageous to focus on. I wonder if Pearl anticipated that when she asked me for this.
“Put me in the one thing I never got to wear, Juliet. A wedding dress. Something very frilly that no one will expect. The bigger the better.” Even though it was a request she made while not totally all there, it was something I still decided to honor.
And now, as I watch the funeral director panic over how sloppy it looks, I know it was so, so worth the heartache of picking out a wedding dress for a woman who never got to actually wear one. I handpicked it, too, refusing to let anyone take care of it for me when they offered. It was too personal, choosing Pearl’s last outfit. I let other people help choose things like flowers and music. Neema was particularly helpful, though I hope the unannounced visits will stop now. There’s something deeply horrifying about being interrupted in the middle of kissing one boyfriend when your other boyfriend’s mom rings your doorbell.
At this point, I know she has to expect something is up. The estate has been a revolving door of boys every time she’s shown up. Luckily, she’s chosen not to say anything, but I’m not sure if that courtesy will extend past the funeral.
“Jules? People are starting to get here.” I turn to see Sadie standing in the doorway.
I grimace as I look at the length of her dress. It was mine. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought it, but when I showed up here, I pretty much immediately realized it was too short. It made me feel too exposed, which is the last thing I want today. And Sadie, who I will never again doubt my friendship with, for real this time—traded me dresses with absolutely zero hesitation. So now I’m in a perfectly respectable black dress while Sadie wears my slightly slutty one. That’s true friendship.
