by Tessa Thorne
He kisses the top of my head and whispers, “If I die tomorrow, I’d have no regrets.”
Those final words send a shiver down my spine. They hang in the air, like a guillotine above my neck. I look at his face, trying to read him.
Was there a deeper meaning to those words?
For the second time tonight, I push aside my urge to dig deeper so I don’t ruin our evening. I’m just worrying for no reason. Rocco’s a serious man, and he uses serious words.
Of course he’s not planning to die. He promised he’d protect me, and I have faith in him. He’ll come through for me and Ethan.
And then we’ll live happily ever after.
His eyes are closed, and his lips pressed together in a grim smile.
As I drift off into an uneasy sleep, I keep repeating his words in my mind.
If I die tomorrow, I’d have no regrets.
Chapter Nineteen
Rocco
I leave the blinkers on and lift Ethan out of his booster seat. He insists on taking his own bag out of the trunk, and carries it to the field holding my hand.
This has become my weekday ritual. If Vini knew, he’d never let me hear the end of it. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Ethan is a fountain of hope and positivity, and he’s infectious. It’s true he reminded me of my brother when he was a kid, but with each passing day, he changes for the better. He’s becoming what my brother would have been if he'd had a loving mother in his life. And a loving father.
It becomes easier to think of myself as a father every day. It’s something I could get used to. I nod to the coach as I get to the edge of the field. We’ve had an uneasy truce since I started dropping off and picking up Ethan from practice. Might be time I finally laid our issue to rest.
I kneel down next to Ethan and put my hand on his shoulder. “You gonna work extra hard today on your swing?” I ask.
“Yeah!” He nods his head excitedly. “I’m gonna be as good a hitter as you, Uncle Rocco!”
“That’s a good kid,” I say, feigning a punch to his shoulder. “Look, I didn’t get a chance to tell your mom, but I’m not gonna be picking you up today.”
His bright smile quickly fades. “Why not?”
“I have to do a few things at work.” I hate lying to him, but I can’t tell him the truth. I can only hope he grows up to understand that I did the only thing I could do. “Uncle Pinky’s gonna pick you up. Is that okay?”
“Yeah…” He’s a kid, so he doesn’t even try to hide the look of disappointment on his face. “He’s okay, I guess.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Give him a chance, he’ll grow on you.”
“If you say so.” He looks back at the field as more kids arrive. “I think we’re starting.”
“I’ll come with you, kiddo,” I say and pull him into a tight hug. He resists for a moment but relents and hugs me back.
I hope he forgives me for what I have to put him through. There’s no other way.
“You’re a good kid,” I say as I break our hug.
He gives me a strange look, then shrugs and follows me as I stand up and head over to the field. There’s one more thing I want to clear up before I’m on my way.
Ethan runs off to join the other kids as I head straight for the coach. He eyes me warily as I approach, keeping busy by fixing the lacing on a glove.
“Hey.” I stop about five feet away. Far enough to keep him from getting scared, but close enough so I don’t have to talk loud enough for everyone to hear us.
He nods again but doesn’t say anything, keeping an eye on me as he keeps working on the glove.
I hesitate for a moment before continuing. I don’t ever do this. I’m not in the business of apologizing or admitting I’m wrong. But baseball’s been really good for Ethan, and I want to clear things up so there’s no bad blood between the kid and the coach if I’m gone.
“I shouldn’t have done what I did,” I say.
He finally stops working on the glove and looks at me. I can see his mind working, trying to figure out my motive. I don’t blame him after the beating I gave him. It's tempting to tell him it could have been a lot worse if I hadn’t stopped myself, but I don’t think that’d help.
“I was out of line,” he says. “I don’t blame you.”
That’s not what I was expecting to hear, but I’ll take it. Sometimes an ass whooping gets a man thinking about the choices that put him on the ground. But it don’t make what I did any less wrong.
I step toward him and extend my hand. He stares at it like he’s not sure whether my hand will turn into a fist, but he steps toward me after a moment and shakes my hand with a firm grip.
“Buy you a drink sometime?” I ask.
He nods. “I’d like that.”
“Good.” I probably won’t be able to follow through after tonight, but like they say, it’s the thought that counts. Hopefully that’s how he’ll see it.
“See you around,” I say.
He nods and releases my hand and I’m on my way back to my car. I can see a meter maid making their way toward the car, and the last thing I need to deal with today is a parking ticket.
I gotta get to my round of collections, and drop the money in the safe so Vini can do what he needs to do with it if I can’t. I’ve already talked to Pinky. He’ll tell Vini what he needs to know.
I climb behind the wheel and take a final glance at the field. The kids are running laps around the outfield to start their day. It’s crazy how much I miss the kid already. I hope he knows I didn’t make this decision lightly. It was the only way. Pinky will tell him the full story if he wants to know when he’s old enough to understand.
I went to Tony asking for permission to take vengeance after Harry had me locked up, but it was a no-go. They didn’t rough me up, so he’s still off limits.
I may be a made guy, but I can’t go against what the boss wants. So I gotta make the boss want Harry dead. So I’m gonna have him rough me up. Bad enough to put me in the hospital if I’m lucky, or kill me if I’m not. He’ll have no choice then. He can’t let one of his button men get roughed up and not respond. It’d make him look weak, and he can’t afford that with war brewing between our family and the Santinis.
Pinky will make sure they know Harry's responsible. Vini will want to take vengeance, and he’ll earn his button taking out Harry. Cat and Ethan will get to live happily ever after no matter what happens to me. Hopefully they’ll forgive me.
I thought about taking them on the run. I’ve got enough money saved, and Cat’s gotta be able to do her thing from some other city. But I don’t run. It ain’t an option for me. I swore an oath to my family, and I ain’t gonna break my word. This is the only way I can protect her, and keep my honor. So this is how it's gotta be.
They’ll understand it’s what I had to do.
Eventually.
Chapter Twenty
Caitlyn
I expected Rocco’s familiar SUV to pull up to the curb, but instead it’s Pinky’s sedan. I see Ethan’s face looking out the back window, smiling at me.
“Hi Mommy!” He waves at me.
Pinky pops up from his door and leans his forearms on the roof of his car. “Hey.” He smiles uneasily. “Rocco couldn’t make it, so he asked me to pick you two up.”
I narrow my eyes at him. Pinky’s not the best liar, and I have the feeling he’s keeping something from me. “Okay,” I say curtly as I step into the car and he climbs back in behind the steering wheel.
“Hope you don’t mind.” He looks at me again, and I look back and give him a short nod.
He’s definitely hiding something.
“Will he be back tonight?” I ask as he pulls off onto the road.
“Should be,” he replies and nods, keeping his eyes on the road. “But I don’t know when.”
“Okay,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.
I keep looking at him on the drive home. He knows I’m suspicious, and he’s not good at handling it. Ro
cco’s right. He definitely shouldn’t be in this line of work. I can see him growing more nervous with each passing minute.
By the time we get to Rocco’s place he’s got a big fake smile plastered on his face, hoping I don’t call him out on it.
Ethan’s been telling me all about practice and the game coming up this weekend. I should be happy. He’s more excited than he’s ever been for a game before. He loved being the hero of the last game, and he wants a chance to be the hero again.
Any other day and I’d be happy as can be listening to him go on. It’s hard to remember the last time he was this happy, if ever. I should be overjoyed. But all I can think about is that fake smile on Pinky’s face.
“Are you staying over, Pinky?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.
He seems to grow more nervous the more openly suspicious I am, so I’m not going to hide it.
He looks back at me, his brow dripping with sweat. “Yeah.” He wipes back his hair and nods. “Rocco asked me to stay here till he gets back.”
“Okay,” I say. “Hope you like Indian because we’ve got way too many leftovers.”
“Leftovers!” Ethan screams in joy and runs up to my side as I start pulling plastic containers out of the fridge.
“Yeah.” Pinky smiles. “Love that place. Hard to get in though.”
“Not with Rocco.” I smile.
Pinky laughs. “Yeah, for sure.”
I start heating up the food on the stove and pass a beer to Pinky and a cup of water to Ethan. Pinky settles himself down on one of the stools at the kitchen bar and Ethan pulls himself up next to him.
“Uncle Pinky,” he tugs on Pinky’s shirt, “do you think Uncle Rocco will come to my game Saturday?”
“Uh…” Pinky smiles down on him nervously. “Think so, little guy.”
“Good.” Ethan smiles up at him. “Mommy’s going to be there, and I want him to be there, too.”
“I’m sure he’s going to try,” Pinky says.
“I like it when Mommy and Rocco are together,” he says and looks at me. “You like him too, right?”
I swallow a lump growing in my throat and blink back the stinging in my eyes. I can’t cry right now.
“I sure do, baby.” I pour the curry from the pot into a bowl and serve three plates of reheated rice.
Ethan starts shoveling food into his mouth as I sit down next to Pinky, occasionally glancing at him from the corner of my eyes. He may not know it yet, but he’s going to tell me what he’s hiding from me tonight.
Once Ethan’s finished with his food, he tugs on Pinky’s shirt again. “Can I ask you a question?”
He looks down on Ethan and smiles. “Shoot.”
“How did you lose your pinky?” I cough, nearly choking on my food.
I want to tell Pinky he doesn’t have to answer and to chide Ethan for asking the question, but I can’t stop coughing. Pinky’s just got a nervous look on his face. He looks back to me for help, but I’m chugging on my glass of water, trying to clear my throat.
“That’s an adult story,” Pinky says. “I can tell you the story when you’re old enough.”
Ethan looks up at him incredulously, then nods. “If you say so.”
“I’m sorry, Pinky,” I wheeze when I’ve finally cleared my throat. “You should know better than to ask a question like that, Ethan.”
Ethan glances down. “Sorry, Mommy.”
“It’s fine, kid,” Pinky says, climbing off the stool. “I’m going to check on a few things.”
The rest of the night passes uneventfully. Too much so. Rocco’s not answering any of my texts. Pinky told me not to worry, but that’s all I’m doing. After last night and then this morning, and now with how Pinky’s acting--all I can do is worry.
I still manage to go through my nightly routine. I don’t want Ethan worrying about something that could just be in my head. I read him his favorite story and put him to bed before joining Pinky on the couch with a fresh beer.
“Thanks.” He smiles up at me and takes a swig of the beer.
“Don’t mention it,” I say, sitting down next to him.
I glance at his pinky-less hand. How did he lose that anyway? But I can’t exactly ask him after chiding Ethan for doing the same.
“Have you heard from Rocco?” I ask.
Pinky glances at me from the corner of his eyes while still staring at the television. “No. Not yet.”
“Do you expect to?” I ask, staring right at him.
If he thinks I’m going to give up until I have my answer, he’s got a whole other think coming.
“He’s not available right now.” Pinky shrugs, glancing nervously at his dark phone on the coffee table. “You know what he does for a living. He’s out of touch sometimes.”
“Except it’s not that,” I say. “He was acting strange last night, and this morning. And you’ve been hiding something from me since you picked me up.”
“You’re imagining things.” He shrugs, and turns back to the television. “If you’re going to be fucking Rocco, you’ll have to get used to him being unreachable sometimes.”
“Is that what you think we’re doing?” I ask, raising my voice. “You think I’m just fucking him so he’ll protect me?”
He backs away from the venom in my voice. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
I feel bad for how I said that. He wasn’t trying to imply that. I was projecting my own insecurities on him.
“I’m sorry,” I say, softening my voice. I’m going to have to try another tact. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. You know I love him, right?”
He finally turns away from the TV and looks me in the eyes. His expression softens, and he nods. “Yeah. I get that.”
“I’m just really worried for him,” I say, emotion cracking my voice and tears welling up in my eyes. I'd planned on fake crying if necessary, but at this rate I won’t have to. “I don’t know what we’re going to do if we lose him.”
He leans in toward me and awkwardly puts his hand on mine, trying to comfort me. “You’re not going to lose him.”
He wants to sound confident, but I can hear the doubt in his own voice.
“Please don’t lie to me,” I say, grabbing a tissue to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I know he’s doing something dangerous, and you know what it is.”
He drops his eyes from me without saying anything.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” I cry out softly. “I need to know.”
He remains silent, searching for anything but me to look at. I can tell the last thing he wants a part of is this conversation, but I’m not going to let him go.
“This has to do with me, right?” I reach out and take his hand in mine.
I can feel the tension in his muscles. They're tight from his reluctance over lying to me. He feels guilty about it, but he doesn’t think he has a choice.
“Look,” I say, searching for his eyes. “I know you're loyal to your brother, and he told you not to tell me what he’s doing. My guess is because whatever he’s doing is probably dangerous, and likely to get him killed.”
He looks up reluctantly and meets my eyes. What I see in them confirms my worst fears.
“You don’t have to let him do this alone,” I say, my voice growing more urgent. “He doesn’t have to sacrifice himself for me. You don’t want to lose him, right?”
His mouth works open several times. He’s fighting to say something, but his loyalty to his brother is holding him back. I squeeze his hand, pleading with my eyes till he finally breaks.
“No,” he says, his voice barely a whisper.
“What is he doing?” I ask.
“He’s…” He trails off and hesitates.
“Please, Pinky!” I beg, squeezing his hand.
“He’s goading Harry into putting him in the hospital.” His voice is thick with emotion. This knowledge has been hard for him to keep a secret. “They’ll have to retaliate after that happens. He said it was the only way he could keep you safe.”<
br />
I can barely choke out a word. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach, and I feel like the world is spinning around me.
“Harry’s going to kill him,” I croak out.
Pinky nods sadly. “It’s a risk he’s willing to take.”
“Fuck that!” I whisper harshly so I don’t wake up Ethan. “I’m not letting him sacrifice himself to protect me!”
“You don’t have a choice,” he says.
“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?” I snap back.
He recoils from my accusation. I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I don’t have time to worry about that. Rocco’s out there right now handing himself over to Harry, and we’re sitting here arguing over whether it’s right to help him.
“What am I supposed to do about it?” he spits back. “Rocco does what he wants, and there’s no stopping him when he’s set his mind.”
“Do you know where he said he’d be?” I ask.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I really don’t.”
I grab his shoulder and smile. “You were able to find me, right?” I ask. “Using my phone?”
“Yeah.” His eyes open wide in realization. “You’re right. But what will we do if we find him?”
“We’re going to save him,” I say.
“I’m not like my brother.” He shakes his head sadly. “I’ve never even used my gun.”
“You have to know somebody, right?” I plead with him.
“Yeah. You’re right,” he says. “I might be able to get Vini. He’d do anything for Rocco. But he’s going to be really pissed when he finds out Rocco didn’t want him to come.”
“Pinky.” I shake his shoulder hard. “How many times has Rocco saved your life?”
He looks up at me and nods. “More than I can count.”
“Then do this for him,” I say.
“You’re right.” He grabs his phone. “Let me work on it.”
“Okay,” I say.
My phone buzzes from a text. Jasmin’s about five minutes away. Good. She’s going to be asking some serious questions about me asking her to come over like this, but I’ll deal with that later. I grab my purse and check that my gun is still there. I take the pistol out and double-check to make sure it’s loaded. It feels reassuring in my hand. He showed me how to use it, and I’m going to do what I need to do to save my man.
