How can I feel so drawn to a person I don't even know?
Have never even laid eyes upon?
But I do.
There’s no denying it.
When my heart finally settles and my breathing is back to normal, I lift my head before blinking and squinting as my eyes adjust to the overhead lighting. Just as I'm getting to my feet, I see a small folded sheet of paper lying next to me. And just like that- my heartbeat quickens once again. For a long moment I stare at it knowing that when I slumped to the floor, it wasn't there. More disconcerting is the fact that I didn't even hear whoever left it.
With cautious fingers I slowly pick it up. Unfolding the paper, I read the single handwritten line. And just like before in the woods last night, something pings in the back of my mind.
Chapter Four
For me, there is only you.
Reading those six little words over and over again, I still can't figure out what they mean. Part of me wonders if this note is even meant for me. But, somehow, I know it is. Strangely enough- I can feel it. What I can't figure out is who would write something like this to me.
Callen?
No, I don't think so.
Whatever the words mean, they resonate within me and I know there has to be a deeper meaning behind them. I just wish I knew what it was. That, however, hasn't stopped me from carrying the little slip of paper around in the front pocket of my jeans. Almost compulsively, I take it out every few minutes to read, hoping that the meaning will suddenly click within my brain because, oddly, I feel as if it should make sense. There's a strange urgency to the words. I feel them coursing... no, pounding through my veins like the steady pulse of a drumbeat.
I don't understand it but it's as if my mind is trying to uncover something, or perhaps bring something to the surface. Like I have amnesia or something. Which is completely ridiculous. It doesn't make sense that I can remember every single detail about my life but this one thing that suddenly feels more important than anything else.
So I do the only thing I can- I continue staring with narrowed eyes trying to... I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore. Frustrated, I fold it up once more before carefully pushing it back into the depths of my pocket.
Restlessly I drum my fingers on my desk as my AP History teacher drones on...
And on...
And then on some more...
But it’s no use- I can't focus. It's like he's speaking a foreign language I've never heard before. My eyes are fastened on him but it isn't long before they're blurring and he's swimming before me once again. And then it's only a matter of minutes before my restless mind starts rehashing what happened in the woods with the boy and the connection that flowed between us.
Who is he?
And then I'm once again pulling the folded note out of my pocket for what feels like the hundredth time today. Once my fingers touch the paper, the carefully written words, something within me stills. Calms. Even though it's only been two days, the once crisp piece of paper already feels old and worn. As I stare at it, I can't help but run my fingers slowly across each letter wondering about the person who wrote it.
Will touching each carefully made stroke somehow help me to understand why it was written to me?
Because it doesn't.
I must mean something to him.
But what?
How are we linked to one another?
And how can we possibly be connected, if I don't even know who he is?
Questions.
Nothing but questions.
My fingers smooth over the paper again. More frustrating than that- there are no answers. None.
Closing my eyes, I think back to the night in the woods when he stood behind me, covering my eyes. I knew something different was happening, unfolding around me.
Unfolding within me.
I told myself it was Callen.
I wanted it to be Callen.
But Callen has never, not once in three years, stirred that kind of emotion within me. There was something so achingly familiar about the way the boy in the woods held me, kissing the side of my face. Warmth slides through me making my belly flutter unexpectedly. But who could it have been? I've never even kissed another boy besides Callen. So how could someone else's touch feel so achingly familiar?
I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that after breaking up with my boyfriend of three years, I'm more concerned about a mysterious note left by some stranger… who is very possibly stalking me.
Word that Callen and I have broken up has spread quickly through North Elm like wildfire. Everyone's talking about it. I suppose the most amusing part of all this (if there’s anything amusing about it at all) is that I've heard every conceivable explanation as to why we’re no longer a couple except the actual one. I haven't confirmed or denied anything. Even to the most ludicrous explanations, I say nothing. I ignore it all, biding my time until some other unsuspecting person's life unravels the way mine suddenly has.
Unfortunately, for the time being, this breakup is big news.
The numbness of our breakup finally wore off around the second day and then it just kind of settled within me. I knew the hardest part would be the gaping hole of silence where our friendship used to be. I miss him even more than I suspected I would. I miss the way we used to be before we ever stumbled into the murky territory of being boyfriend/girlfriend. What's most worrisome is that I don't know if we'll ever be able to recapture the shattered fragments of our old friendship again. Pain and fear slice through my heart at the thought of us not being able to find our way back to each other.
Rather mercifully the bell rings signaling that the day is finally over. Quickly I shove the paper back into my pocket before heading to my locker. Grabbing my running clothes, I quickly change and am on my way to the fields where cross country practice is held when I literally smack into Shay. I muffle a small yelp before swatting a hand at her.
"Jeez, do you really need to sneak up on me like that?" It takes a moment for my heart rate to settle.
Her face breaks into an amused grin. "Oh come on, we both know I couldn't sneak up on someone if I tried. You were just out of it. Lost in your own little world."
She gives her wrist a little shake. The bangles and bracelets adorning her arm clink together like crystal glasses. I suppose she has a point. Shay likes her jewelry (and lots of it). You can hear her coming from a mile away.
"You seem to be occupying that little world of yours quite a bit lately." Her eyes sharpen before she adds, "I saw you reading a note before. Just wondering who it's from." She gives me a coy look from beneath the thick fringe of her black bangs. "A secret admirer already?"
"What? No! Of course not."
Or... is it?
"So who's the note from if not some super sexy secret admirer? Anyone I know?"
I can't tell her about this. Not yet. It sounds too crazy. It would seriously sound like I'm crazy.
"Um, what are you talking about?"
I go for vague, hoping she’ll just let it go. Unfortunately by the look in her calculating eyes, it’s not working.
"Oh... that. It's nothing really."
Slowly she raises a brow. "Well, I've seen you staring at it like five times today. So, it must be some pretty interesting reading."
"It's not." I start walking in hopes that if I ignore her questions long enough, she'll give up.
It could happen, right?
Yeah, probably not.
"Walk with me to practice?"
Slowly she pushes away from the blue metal locker she's leaning against. "Sure."
With my eyes fastened onto the toes of my pink running shoes, I say in the most offhanded voice I can muster, "You know, I don't mind if you go to homecoming without me."
In fact, I very much prefer not to attend the dance in much the same way I prefer not to vomit all over myself in front of the entire junior class. Quite honestly, I can't think of anything more pathetic than showing up alone after my much speculated a
bout break up. And I'm certainly not going to try and find a date at this point.
Shay gives me a sharp look which effectively tells me that she'll drag my butt kicking and screaming to that dance if she has to. And I know Shay. She'll do it. And probably enjoy every single moment of it too.
"Look, I've already cancelled on Austin. There's absolutely no way I can call him the day before homecoming and tell him that I've changed my mind." Before I can even open my mouth to protest she cuts me off, her voice growing irritated, "No! Not even I'm capable of that!"
But we both know she could do it if she really wanted to. She seems to have some kind of strange hold over the boys of North Elm. All Shay has to do is crook her finger and they all come running. Well, everyone except Callen. He's the only one who seems immune to her female charms.
Apparently she's going to force me to attend homecoming for my own good. I guess it's kind of like swallowing nasty tasting medicine. Terrible going down but helpful in the end.
Ugh.
Tough love is so not what I need right now.
Shay gives me yet another stern look before adding, "Listen to me because I'm not going to say this again- we’re going to homecoming together and we’re going to have a freaking fantastic time! And then we’re going to my house for a much needed after-party. Something small. Intimate. I was planning on having a huge blowout," she eyes me for a moment, "so I could trash my dad's newly decorated house but, in light of current circumstances, we'll just keep it to a few close friends."
A few close friends?
Ha!
I take that to mean about a hundred or so of Shay's closest friends and acquaintances because Shay doesn't do anything on a small scale. I don't think she knows how. Everything is big and splashy, almost to the point of obnoxiousness.
Quite honestly, I don't have the energy for that right now.
"We'll rock it out until the wee hours of the morning." Her voice drops a few octaves before she adds, "So don't even attempt to bail on me because I swear I’ll come to your house and literally kick your ass! Don't think I won't!"
Oh, I know perfectly well that she will. There's not a single doubt in my mind.
Unable to help myself, I shake my head as a small resigned smile tugs my lips upward. "I wouldn't think of bailing on you. How many people can say that Shay Masters broke off a date to go out with them instead?"
She smiles evilly. "Unfortunately, quite a few."
I laugh because she's absolutely right. She has the worst habit of replacing dates right up to the bitter end. And because she's Shay, she can get away with it. It never seems to bite her in the butt.
After a moment I say quietly, "I'm not looking forward to Saturday night." I glance over at her as we wind our way through the golden yellow colored hallways which eventually lead to the parking lot next to the fields. "I'm really not. It's going to be terrible... not to mention depressing."
She stops abruptly and I'm forced to halt my stride as I turn towards her, my brow raised in silent question. Only when she has my full attention does she say, "Then why don't you just talk to Callen? I know you don't really want to be broken up. You've been miserable these past few days."
The breath whooshes out of me and I can't help but contemplate her words.
Honestly, I don't know what to say because I'm not sure what I feel or even what I want anymore. Do I want to get back together with Callen? Unfortunately the answer isn't a simple one. And I can't explain it to her either. Not right now. Not with everything going on. Finally I say, "Even if I did, I'm not sure he wants to get back together with me." I look down at my shoes again staring at the pink and black laces until they blur before my eyes. "I really hurt him."
"Yeah, you did," she agrees, "but you can fix it. You know that, right?"
"I'm not so sure I can." And I'm not sure I want to either. Yes, I'm miserable but is it because I've lost my boyfriend or one of my best friends?
She narrows her eyes as if she's trying to figure me out but she can't possibly because she doesn't know everything that's happened. I feel terrible keeping this from her but... I can't tell her about it. Not yet. Not until I understand what's going on myself.
Frustrated, she shakes her head . "Look, Lili, you love Callen and he loves you. Why would you want to be broken up?" When she speaks again, there's a hard edge to her words. I can't help but be surprised by her sudden ire. "How are you going to feel when he starts dating someone else, because we both know he won't stay on the market for long."
Her words pierce me just as they're meant to. Pain radiates from my heart, filling my entire body until I feel breathless with it. The thought of Callen dating someone else makes me want to vomit.
And it shows on my face.
"Exactly!" She crows triumphantly. As if that was precisely the response she'd been waiting for. "If you want him back then you need to do something about it now before it's too late."
As we reach the doors leading out to the parking lot, we both pause. Finally she says, "Don't you miss him, Lili?"
The words tumble out of my mouth in a rush. "Yes! Of course I do. He's was one of my best friends."
It's hard to get my mouth around those two words.
Best Friends.
Because Callen was my best friend.
Sometimes more so than Shay.
There was just something deeper between us. We were, at some points, even closer. But I suppose that's not too odd considering we were together for three years and friends since we were little kids. There was a time when I used to tell him everything.
She sighs in relief. "Then fix it." She doesn't give me time to respond before pushing through the heavy glass doors.
"Shay?" I call after her retreating figure.
She turns, one sleek black brow raised in question.
"I... I'm not sure what to do about Callen. I need some time to think about it."
Rolling her eyes, she jerks her shoulders in irritation. "Just remember- when you finally decide, it might be too late and you'll have no one to blame but yourself."
I hold her eyes, silently acknowledging her words because she's absolutely right.
"And no matter what you decide, you're still not baling on me."
"Fine. But no slutty homecoming dress. I'm not going to stand around by myself all night because every guy there wants to dance with you."
A smug smile finally flits its way across her face. "Oh, sweetie, that's going to happen regardless."
Yeah, she's probably right. But still, I don't want her garnering any more unsolicited attention than necessary. As I head to the track fields where we always meet before practice, my eyes are unconsciously drawn to the football team. There are a ton of boys standing around in their tight white football pants. It doesn't take much effort to find Callen in the middle of them.
He's a little taller, a little broader than everyone else and I'm just so used to unconsciously seeking him out. I've been doing it for years. Even before we started going out. My eyes arrow straight to him. Only this time, I wonder if Shay’s right.
Did I make a mistake?
She's certainly right about him not staying single for long. With his short blond hair and deep blue eyes, some girl will snap him up quickly. Already the sharks are circling like there's fresh blood in the water. Something clenches painfully in my chest at the idea of him hooking up with some random girl. Worse… someone not so random.
He must feel the intensity of my scrutiny because he turns until our eyes fasten. My feet stop moving. His bright blue eyes skewer me in place like a butterfly pinned to a Styrofoam board for inspection. I feel helpless to wave or smile or do anything that might be construed as normal. Finally, after an indeterminable amount of time, he gives me a stiff little nod before turning back to his teammates. As his eyes release mine, my whole body relaxes and my feet once again obey the commands of my brain. But I don't move just yet. Instead I watch him, unable to tear my eyes away.
I watch as he ignores m
e.
The pain of his rejection hits me like an unexpected punch to the gut. For the first time since our break up, I'm truly frightened that Callen and I won't be able to move beyond this. I'm at a complete loss as to how we go about repairing our now derailed friendship. I don't know what I'll do if Callen and I can't, at some point, find our way back to one another. It's that thought that has me feeling as if I might shatter into a million sharp edged pieces. My gaze is fixed on him, boring into him, but he doesn't turn back to me. Not even once.
But I can't really blame him for that, can I?
I hurt him.
I let him go.
He has every right to be angry with me. He has every right to withhold his friendship. He's done nothing but love me and this is how I repay him.
I feel the icy cold tendrils of panic slowly wrapping themselves around my chest. Squeezing and squeezing until...
I
can't
breathe.
I can't breathe.
Just as I'm on the verge of shattering, I remember the note. That little slip of paper I found at my feet in the library.
For me, there is only you.
I remember the boy from the woods and something, something begins to loosen within me. The anxiety that was squeezing the very life out of me releases its tenacious hold and I'm finally able to breathe again. Closing my eyes, I focus on him remembering how electric his touch felt against my bare skin. I remember the strange connection that unexpectedly flowed between us. I've never experienced anything like that before in my life.
Whoever this boy is, he means something to me.
My breath catches as that thought resonates throughout my entire being. Whoever this boy is, we have a special connection and I need to find him.
No longer does it feel like a choice.
And then I wonder- was it ever a choice?
Chapter Five
Staring at the long gilded mirror in the first floor hallway, I will myself to feel anything other than dread. But that’s obviously not going to happen. I want to call Shay and tell her that I'm not feeling well. Because at this very moment, there's an excellent chance I might actually vomit all over the place. But let's face it, that won't matter to her at all. She would give me a bag and drag me to the dance anyway. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath trying to loosen the thick ball of tension that has settled uncomfortably within me.
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