Under normal circumstances, I love our school dances. Especially homecoming because it's always a masquerade. Every year has a different theme and all the girls dress up in elaborate costumes trying to outdo one another. This year's theme is the enchanted forest.
Gazing at my reflection in the mirror again, I can't help but sigh. There's something almost bittersweet about the fairy costume I'm wearing. Three months ago when I came up with the idea, I couldn't wait for Callen to see me in it because I knew he would love it. But he's not here to see it. I'm not wearing it with him in mind anymore.
My eyes touch upon the bodice with its square neckline and the one inch thick silken straps that lay perfectly against my shoulders. The corset is made out of a decadent amethyst colored satin. The skirt is nothing more than thin fragile layers of purple chiffon and pink organza strips that layer over one another like delicate petals of a flower. The skirt rests mid-thigh. Sheer amethyst wings and a crown interwoven with pink and purple roses complete the outfit.
Amazingly I feel as if I have been transformed into a fairy princess. My mother hand stitched this dress. I found a picture on the internet and she was amazingly able to duplicate it. She's a whiz with this kind of stuff. I look at what she was able to do with pieces of satin, chiffon, and organza and can't help but be impressed by her skill. I wish she were here to see it. Even though I'm not looking forward to this night, I can't help but twirl in front of the mirror astonished at what I've been changed into.
At the very least, I'll look good. The rest may totally suck but I guess I'll have that much going for me. My heart twists just thinking about it. Listening to everyone stand around and gossip as they continue trying to pry the intimate details of my breakup with Callen out of me already feels exhausting. And it’s not like I don’t know that Shay’s right. I do need to show my face. I need everyone to see that I'm okay, that this breakup hasn't crushed me.
But seeing Callen tonight, dressed in his formal attire... well, I'm afraid that might actually crush me.
Watching him on the football field the other day, seeing what we now are to one another was like taking a dagger through the heart. This is the first time we’ve ever not been friends. And it cuts me to the very core. It feels as if our entire friendship has suddenly died and without it, I feel lost and bereft.
Thankfully the doorbell chimes knocking me out of my rather depressing reverie.
For just a moment I hesitate at the door praying that Shay hasn't worn the slutty dress she bought. I seriously wouldn't be able to deal with that right now.
Instead she stands in front of me wearing a Disney fairy costume.
Covering my mouth, I gasp. I can't help it. A few gurgles of laughter bubble up within me at the sight of her. She looks exactly like Tinker Bell. Albeit a cut-rate rendition of Tinker Bell. Although somehow, Shay's able to pull it off. But then again, that girl could wear a paper bag and still rock it like a model on the catwalk.
She sniffs with disdain, "I hope you're happy." As she eyes my costume, the corners of her mouth pull downward. "Damn it, Lili, you're not supposed to look so freaking hot!" She glances down at her own outfit which looks cheap and childish in comparison. "Alright, slight change to the plan. We're stopping at my house before the dance because there’s no way in hell I'm going to wear this while you look like that!"
I know she’s exaggerating my current state of hotness but it is a gorgeous outfit and I do feel really beautiful in it.
"You look great. No need to change. Let's just get this over with."
She levels me with a hard, don't-bother-arguing-with-me glare. "I'm changing and that's final." She grumbles the words before turning on her heels and stalking to her silver Audi parked in the driveway.
In the end, she does change. After we add a pair of sheer fairy wings which covers up some of her exposed back, her silvery, barely-covers-her-assets-dress looks halfway decent. Apparently Mr. Barnes, our principal, agrees with my assessment because after a full minute of intense scrutiny, Shay is allowed into the dance.
Just as I’ve been magically transformed, so has our dingy, sweat sock smelling gym. More amazing than that- it actually looks like an enchanted forest. The walls are lined with large potted trees that are strewn with small twinkling white lights. I suppose some might think it's cheesy and cliché but I don't care. Silver tinselly stars hang from the ceiling. Backdrops from the drama club's A Midsummer Night's Dream production are strategically placed along the walls making the whole gym resemble a glittery magical forest. I have to give the homecoming committee props for this one because the gym truly looks as if it's been altered.
The only thing missing is Callen.
Again, a million doubts worm their way into my brain and I start to wonder, for what feels like the hundredth time, if I've made a huge mistake in breaking up with him. By causing us both so much unnecessary pain. Because, in the end, I do love him. That's not a lie. It's just that... I think there should be more. More than what we have together.
Unconsciously my eyes sweep over the small clusters of students standing around talking and laughing. The girls are easily identifiable. Almost all of them are wearing some kind of costume. A lot of them are wearing cheap Disney fairy outfits and some, like me, have constructed more elaborate costumes. Some are clearly meant to be naughty fairies.
The boys are a little more challenging to recognize. Their outfits are simpler. And basically all the same. Black dress pants, white dress shirt, and a plain black mask that covers the upper portion of their face. It's the same every year. The girls go all out, trying to out shine one another with elaborate costumes while the boys simply show up in formal wear and a mask.
"You're being a bit obvious."
My eyes quickly dart to Shay as I feel a crimson heat enflame my cheeks. Thankfully, because of the darkness, she can't see it. I don't bother denying who I was unconsciously searching for. No point in heaping anymore lies onto the already massive pile.
"Don't worry. I haven't seen him either."
My lips slide upwards. Thank goodness for Shay. She really is a good friend. Maybe my relationship drama has helped to take her mind off some of her parental troubles. At least this break up has been good for something... I guess.
For the next hour, we meander our way through the thick crowd, stopping to talk with friends and acquaintances. Some of the girl's costumes are really spectacular. Most tell me how jealous they are of mine- that it looks straight out of a storybook. I was afraid Shay would be off dancing the entire time, and she has been bombarded with offers, but she’s declined every single one of them. And as unbelievable as it sounds, I actually find that I'm starting to loosen up and enjoy myself. Privately I admit that Shay was right in forcing me to attend. It needed to be done and it hasn't turned out to be half as disastrous as I imagined it would be. But for obvious reasons, I won't be telling her that.
Just as I'm thinking this, I see Shay's entire body stiffen and I can't help but turn in that direction. Before my eyes even land on him, I know exactly who has captured her attention.
Callen.
The band is finally playing a slow song and that's the precise moment I catch my first glimpse of him.
He's out on the dance floor.
And, surprise-surprise, he's not alone.
Amberly Higgens is in his arms.
Varsity football cheerleader Amberly.
Blond.
Buxom.
Overly developed Amberly.
You name it, Amberly fits the bill.
If there's another girl in the eleventh grade at North Elm that can make the boys jeans pitch a major tent besides Shay, it's Amberly Higgens. It's for that very reason that Shay and Amberly are natural born frienemies.
Of course Callen would have to be dancing with her. Seeing him with any other girl would hurt. Seeing him with Amberly is like being hit over the head with a sledgehammer. And then hit one more time for good measure. Amberly and I have never been close friends. I don'
t have a problem with Amberly per say, we just don't operate in the same social stratosphere. Plus, Shay would have a total cow if I were ever to befriend Amberly.
Shay's narrowed gray eyes cut quickly to mine. I get the distinct feeling that she’s assessing the damage before deciding on how best to shore it up. She must've already drawn her conclusions because she says in an offhanded voice that I don't buy for one single moment, "Don't worry about her, she doesn't mean anything. I'm almost positive they didn't arrive together."
I feel my eyes widen to the point where they might actually fall right out of my head.
Oh God, I didn't even think about that!
Yep, there's that sick feeling again.
I think I might actually vomit. Right here at homecoming. In front of a sea of faces I've known for my entire life.
Unconsciously my eyes slide back to Callen. He and Amberly are dancing and he's holding her really close. Too close. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart over and over again with a really dull knife. The pain of it becomes almost unbearable. And it doesn't matter if I'm the one who caused this break up. It doesn’t matter if I was the one with a thousand doubts regarding our relationship. Right now, watching him hold her in his arms, none of that matters. The hurt is so palpable that I'm amazed I'm still standing upright. I'm practically choking on my own anguish.
Helpless to do anything else, I continue staring. It's like a terrible car accident you can't turn away from. Even though the sight of it is horrific and shocking, making you sick to your very stomach, you simply can't look away from it.
And I can’t.
I can’t look away.
Amberly is gazing up at him with her big baby blue eyes. Even from this distance I can see her batting her mascara laden lashes up at him. The urge to stomp over there and rip her right out of his arms is so consuming that it takes every molecule of willpower I have within me not to make a total spectacle of myself. I'm sure everyone who is watching this drama unfold has their camera phones poised to catch all the juicy action so that the homecoming catfight can be uploaded instantly to YouTube for everyone to enjoy.
It's that very thought which allows everything rioting painfully within me to still while I rip my eyes away from my ex-boyfriend before quickly looking around to see if others have picked up on what’s playing out on the dance floor. Maybe, if I'm lucky, no one’s noticed that Callen is, for the first time in three years, holding someone else in his arms at a school dance within days of our breakup. But as I glance around, I see that the small group Shay and I are standing with have fallen silent.
Uncomfortably silent.
Some are watching Callen while others are giving me cloying looks of sympathy. I gulp suddenly feeling the hot prick of tears sting my eyes. Unable to bear one more moment, I meet Shay's wide gray gaze. Holding her eyes, I try steadying my voice, my emotions, my very insides that seem to be quivering like a bowl of Jell-O. Every move I make, every word that leaves my mouth in the next few moments will spread like wildfire through this dance.
The last thing I want is to give them anything more to talk about.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I turn, needing to bolt from the gym.
"Wait, I'll come with you!"
I spin back towards the group, my eyes arrowing straight to Shay. Her eyes seem to be the only ones full of genuine emotion. "No, I'll only be a few minutes. Okay?" My eyes plead silently with hers. She needs to stay here and put a positive spin on this whole mess. Shay's good at that. People listen to her. And more than anything, I just need a few moments to myself. I need some time to rein in my bruised emotions before I fall completely apart.
All over the gym floor.
Sightlessly I push through the gymnasium doors leaving the noise and blaring music behind. Out here in the school corridor with the bright lights, my costume feels jarringly out of place. Passing the floor to ceiling glass cases with the school athletic team trophies and photographs, I stop in front of the football team's picture. My eyes immediately settle on Callen in the large crowd of testosterone laden boys. His serious gaze returns mine. I’ve looked at this picture hundreds of times before but right now it hurts my heart.
Did I make the right decision?
I wish I could stop second guessing myself.
Still feeling conflicted, I bite down almost painfully on my lower lip. I can't deny that it hurts to see him with Amberly. I'm sure it would hurt to see him dancing with anyone.
Turning away from the glass case, I hurry down the darkened science wing where there aren't any other students milling about. I'm probably not supposed to be here, this far from the gym, but at this point I don't care. I can't bear to stand around with that catty group of girls, fending off their sympathetic glances and their pointed questions only to have everything I say twisted into some pathetic version of what I told them.
Unfortunately I know exactly how it works.
Pushing into the girl's bathroom, I find the mirror and take a long hard look at the damage. My eyes are glazed with tears. My face is ashen, completely drained of its natural color. I feel shaky. Sick to my stomach. Yep, this evening has turned out to be an absolute disaster. At first it had seemed as if I'd make it through unscathed but now... Well, I just want to slink out of here with my tail between my legs and go home.
I can't bear to watch Callen dancing with another girl. It hurts too much. Our break up is just too fresh at this point. Hanging my head tiredly between my shoulders, I grip the cool edges of the white porcelain sink. I have to keep reminding myself to take long deep breathes before slowly pushing them out. After a few minutes the pinch in my belly finally starts to loosen.
When I finally have some semblance of control over my raging emotions, I decide to shore up the damage to my face and get back out there. Thank goodness the gym is dark. That will hopefully conceal the worst of it.
As I raise my eyes to the mirror, the breath hisses out from between my lips.
Because what I'm seeing can't possibly be real...
It takes only a moment for me to lose myself in the image because no longer am I staring at my own reflection in the girls’ bathroom mirror. Instead I'm gazing at a lush, beautiful meadow.
My breath catches as I lean forward, closer to the meadow. It has to be my imagination, because I can almost smell the gently waving field grass and the big bright flowers baking in the hot afternoon sun. And there's a girl in the middle of the meadow. Her back is to me but, somehow, I know that I'm staring at... myself. It's the strangest, out-of-body feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. An odd little shiver works its way through me as I continue watching. I'm held utterly spellbound by the image. Just as I was helpless to turn away from Callen and Amberly, I feel much the same way now.
The girl in the mirror is wearing an outfit similar to the one I have on except it's longer and much more elaborate. It actually puts my mother's carefully constructed costume to shame. It shimmers and floats around her body as she moves gracefully through the meadow. The long skirts of her dress are bunched up in her hands making it easier for her to run through the tall grass. The colors are so bright and rich and crisp that I can only gasp at their amazing intensity. I've never seen such vibrant colors before. They're almost too brilliant for my eyes to take in. The sun is shining so radiantly that it's difficult to imagine it ever being anything other than sunny, bright, and gorgeous. Even though I know I'm wide awake, there’s an odd dreamlike quality to what's taking place right now. The flowers, many I recognize, are bigger than I remember seeing in our garden. They wave and bob gently in the breeze.
I watch as the girl runs through the meadow. She turns towards me for just a moment and I jolt realizing that she's no longer alone. I... she has suddenly flung herself into someone's outstretched arms. I crane my neck trying desperately to catch just a glimpse of him. But I can't. He's not facing towards me. All I see are strong shoulders and thick brown hair haloing his head in soft waves.
Almost desperately
I want to reach through the mirror, to see if my hand will actually pass into this other world but I'm much too afraid. My heart hammers painfully under my breast.
Am I really seeing this?
Blinking my eyes, the image suddenly wavers before disappearing all together. And then I'm once again staring into my own wide green eyes in the mirror. My face is ghostly pale. I gasp taking a quick step back, away from my reflection.
Did that just really happen?
Things like that just don't happen.
Well, maybe they do if you're on hallucinogenic drugs or you're losing your mind. Then I suppose these kinds of things happen all the time.
Timidly I reach up, wanting to touch the shiny silver surface. It feels solid beneath my trembling fingertips. No longer is there a meadow. No girl with long blond hair who looks exactly like me. No boy with curling brown hair. Just a reflection of the bathroom stalls behind me. My heart is beating so furiously that it actually starts to ache. I lift my hand, rubbing the spot over my heart as I try once more to make sense of what I just saw.
But I can't.
With my eyes glued to the mirror, I take a few hesitant steps towards the door before bolting through it and racing back down the long hallway towards the gym. It feels as if I'm trying to outrun the strange image of myself in that meadow.
Running full out, I push a little too hard on the wooden gym doors, stumbling as they crash open. All at once I feel myself losing my step, slipping, faltering and I know with complete certainty that I'm about to go sprawling across the gym floor.
I swear the floor is rising up to meet my face when a pair of strong arms reach out, sweeping me up into an embrace. My breath catches as I meet his eyes through the severe black mask hiding his face. For a long silent moment neither of us move. I'm not even sure if I'm actually breathing at this point. All I can do is stare in wonderment. His hands sear the skin of my arms where he’s still holding me. The shock of his bare flesh against mine sends a million tiny pulses of electricity careening along my skin. My awareness of him heightens as the loud music and the babble of hundreds of voices slowly melts away as if we are truly alone in an enchanted forest.
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