Shay and Shaylee are one in the same.
My mind somersaults with this new understanding. Is this merely a coincidence? In a previous life, one where we were faeries, we were actually sisters.
And I stole her betrothed.
I robbed her of being the Faerie Queen.
I stole her future.
My stomach pitches and I feel even queasier than before. How did I not see this? Yes, of course there were differences in their appearances- hair styles, weight, and stuff like that but now that I think about it, it is all so clear that I want to kick myself for not figuring it out sooner. My mind reels at the implication.
The conversation taking place between Ryland and the Faerie Queen is drowned out by what sounds like rushing water filling my head. My eyes search the faeries surrounding us. I feel like the entire court has stopped what they were doing so they can bear witness to what is transpiring between us and their Queen. My eyes quickly touch upon as many faeries as possible but I do not see Shaylee's face in any of them. My heart spasms wondering where she could be.
"Please escort Lilianna to her old chamber."
I snap out of my reverie as large white gloved hands settle firmly on my arms. My hand is still tightly clutched in Ryland's. My eyes slice to his.
He nods slightly. "I will join you in a bit. I need to speak with the Faerie Queen privately."
When he lets go of my hand, I have the terrible sensation that I will never see him again. My fingers are desperate to find his. There is a little whimpering sound that is coming from my throat and I cannot make it stop. The thought of Ryland leaving my sight has me nose diving into a full-fledged panic.
I can’t lose him.
Not when I've only just found him again.
"Lili, I won't be long, I promise. Please, let the guards escort you to your room."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Queen smile cruelly. Oh, but she is loving this. Every turbulent emotion that crosses my face adds to her sense of superiority and power. Make no mistake, she is the one in control here and I am feeding right into it. I take a deep gulp of air trying to calm myself. But I can't lie- it's a real struggle for me to stop fighting against the brutishly muscular faerie guards who are pulling me farther and farther away from Ryland.
I stare into his eyes and they do what nothing else can, they somehow calm me. Whatever is going on, whatever he and the Queen need to speak about, Ryland will not let any harm come to me. Not again. And so, I allow my arms to drop slowly to my sides. I force myself to stop struggling. Not that it was doing me any good anyway. For just one moment, everything becomes perfectly still as I hold Ryland's eyes. He gives me just the barest hint of a smile and it is enough to reassure me that I am doing the only thing I can given our circumstance.
Everyone suddenly breaks free of their collective stupors and into a bevy of chaotic activity. I lose sight of Ryland as the guards escort me to my former room. Well, they more or less drag me down the long marble corridor until we reach my room before throwing me inside. The door quickly slams shut behind them. A shiver of dread slithers down my spine as I hear a thick bolt slide firmly into place. I turn the golden handle but it's no use.
Any hope of escaping from here is promptly extinguished for we are on the second story of the palace. I go to an opening that is like a window without a screen and look down. I would be single handedly jumping to my death if I even attempted it. For the time being, I am nothing more than a prisoner.
I glance at the door- solid gold. There's no way I could break that down. My eyes slide over the length of it and if I were in a different frame of mind, I would be completely fascinated by just such an opulent piece of artistry but the beauty and grandeur of this unusual place has long since worn thin.
Exhausted, I throw myself onto what feels like the softest feather mattress ever and wait for Ryland to return.
It occurs to me that he might not return.
That I might never see him again.
My heart clenches in fear.
Chapter Seventeen
The scrape of the bolt has my eyes popping open. I blink a few times realizing that darkness has settled over the palace. A fire dances in the massive marble fireplace at the other end of the room giving off a soft warm glow. Night has fallen which means that I must have, somehow, fallen asleep.
My heart races as I watch the immense golden door swing open. Quietly Ryland steps inside the darkened room. Before the notion of charging the entryway even crosses my still fuzzy brain, it closes with a resounding thud and I hear the bolt slide promptly into place locking us both inside. That doesn't bode well for us but at least Ryland has returned and I'm no longer alone.
I'll worry about an escape plan later because right now I'm so overjoyed that he's come back to me alive that I can't help but launch myself into his arms. He squeezes me to him as I wrap my legs tightly around his waist. Even though he's only just come into my life, it doesn't feel that way at all. There's a natural intimacy that shouldn't exist between us.
"I never thought I would see you again!" I press three or four quick kisses onto his cheek before realizing exactly what I'm doing. His hands are holding me by the seat of my shorts. My arms are wrapped around his neck, squeezing the very life out of him but he doesn't seem to mind. Slowly I pull back until I'm able to study his eyes. Even though we’re trapped in this room he seems fairly happy about my greeting. A dull heat creeps over my cheeks.
"I didn't think I would see you again," I repeat more quietly. Even I can hear the anxiety threading its way through my voice.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you but I needed to speak with her in private." He kisses my lips softly, almost hesitantly. Electricity sparks between us at the contact.
And if he really tries to kiss me... well, I think I might just let him. Kissing Ryland already feels different than kissing Callen.
Callen.
Something tickles the back of my mind. I hate that feeling because it means there's something I should be remembering... something that's just sitting there in the back of my mind waiting for me to...
When it finally pops into my head I give a little yelp of realization.
Callen!
Even though Ryland is staring rather quizzically at me, my mind continues to spin. Quickly I disentangle my limbs from around his body until I am standing before him. Only then do I press my palms against his chest as I say one word, "Kalen."
His features shift, his eyes becoming somber as I suck in a ragged breath.
Oh... it's true. It's all true.
Shay and Shaylee.
Callen and Kalen.
Same people, different lives.
Something in the pit of my belly starts to pitch back and forth. Carefully he picks me up, cradling me against him. His long legs eat up the distance that separates us from the bed before he lays me gently down. His hand strokes softly through my hair as I stare absently at the far wall.
"They're the same, just as you are."
"What does that mean?" My head once again spins furiously.
He sighs and is quiet for a long hesitant moment before finally speaking. He seems to be choosing his words carefully. His fingers continue sifting through my hair and I have to admit that it's very soothing when he does so.
"Faeries believe that one's soul passes through many different lifetimes and that we are always surrounded by those who are important to us. Usually those who we develop strong connections with. Friends. Family. Sometimes, depending on the connection, it could be an enemy. In one life this person could be a rival and in another, a sister or brother you don't get along with. There are those you feel ... bonds with right away. You click with them almost instantly as if you have always known them. Those would be the ones you see consistently over the course of many lifetimes. They are always woven into the tapestry of your life. Their role may differ each time but they are always connected to you in some way."
Clearly Callen and Shay have been with me befor
e. And if they're with me now in my human life... that can only mean one thing...
"Callen and Shay are no longer in the Faerie Realm, are they?" Even though it's posed as a question I already know the answer.
"No," he says softly, "they're just as mortal as you." His eyes watch mine carefully as I process the information.
There are so many questions I have but one in particular plagues me. "Was I responsible for their deaths?"
This is my worst fear. I cannot bear to have either of their deaths on my conscious. No matter what I left behind at home, no matter how much they wounded me with their betrayal, I don't want my previous actions to have caused them harm.
When he doesn't answer, I turn my head until our eyes meet and hold. "Please Ryland," I whisper, "I need to know what happened. I need to know why they’re no longer in the Faerie Realm."
His expression hardens. Whatever he's about to tell me won't be good and I brace myself for it. Already there is a tightening in my chest that makes it all but impossible for me to breathe.
He must be deciding exactly how to word what he has to say because it takes some time for him to finally speak. "The manner of your death shook Shaylee to her core." He pauses and I see that he doesn't want to continue but I need to know what happened to her.
To them.
"Was she killed? Did the Queen kill her as well?" I hear my voice rising in panic. I'm not sure what is worse- knowing the truth or speculating as to why she is no longer living in this realm.
He shakes his head quickly. "No, the Queen did not kill Shaylee."
But something happened to her.
I can see it in his eyes.
"Please," I plead again, "I need to know."
He jumps from the bed before stalking towards the enormous marble fireplace that dominates one side of the room. This is the first time I have seen Ryland lose his composure. Actually, that's not true, I remind myself. He totally lost it when I pressed the dagger into my heart.
Plowing an agitated hand through his already disheveled hair, he finally spins towards me. I hear the exasperation all but bursting from his voice, "What good will it do, Lili? What good can come from knowing what happened to them? Are you going to somehow avenge their deaths?" The words fly from his mouth like bullet spray. His face instantly pales with the realization of what he's just said.
I bite down on my lower lip to stop it from trembling. I feel the hot prick of tears sting my eyes before blinking them quickly away. His face falls before he flies back to the large bed and gathers me into his arms. The heaviness of my sins weighs so profoundly on my chest that it is nearly impossible to take in air.
Bullet spray.
That is exactly what I feel like I have been hit with.
It leaves me gasping and bleeding on the bed. The sobs begin welling deep within my chest before they are finally able to burst free. When they do, Ryland is there, cradling me against him as if he will never let me go. He quietly soothes me until the sobs subside into hiccupping little gasps of anguish.
"How?" I shake my head. "I have to know. I have to know how they died."
He bows his head, closing his eyes against my softly pleading words. Still he does not want to share the gruesome details but the more he holds back, shielding me from the truth, the more I fight him for it. On some level I understand what he is trying to do but I don't want to be protected like a child. I don't need him to buffer me from the consequences of my actions. Even those from a different lifetime.
I lay my hand gently upon his cheek. It takes only a moment before he is leaning into it. "Ryland, I don't need you to shield me. Please, just tell me what happened."
Heatedly he searches my eyes. "Don't you understand? I need to protect you." He shakes his head angrily before continuing, "I failed you before. I failed to protect you in the most basic sense of the word. I cannot allow anything else to happen to you. Not again.” His face is solemn in his conviction. “I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."
"But it wasn't your fault..." I gulp, pushing out the rest of the words, "it was the Queen... There was nothing you could have done to stop her."
His expression changes into one of pure stubbornness before he says more fiercely, "I won't allow anyone to hurt you ever again."
For just a moment I simply stare as his words rush through me. It's the most unbelievable feeling. This feeling of... love.
It's in his words, his voice, in the protective look in his eyes, in the gentle way his fingers smooth over me. Something within me cannot help but respond in kind as it rises, bursting forth. Love like I never dreamt possible soars blindly within my heart robbing me of breath. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. It rushes through my veins, filling every cold dark place inside me. It was there from the first moment I laid eyes on him in the meadow. And then as we touched, I was flooded with the memories of a past love so consuming that in the end, I choose death rather than a life without him.
I am so completely inundated with these strange, consuming emotions that I am rocked to the very core of my being. I am so overwhelmed by them that it is almost too painful, too consuming, too intoxicating to feel them within the confines of my human body.
This staggering feeling of inevitable destiny scares me.
The love coursing through me feels too overwhelming, too intimate to feel this soon. My head can’t understand how my heart is soaring to such uncharted heights. My heart and head have forever been at odds with each other. I spent the last three years trying to talk myself into feeling more than what I did for Callen. And now, it’s a reversal of sorts. My heart wants to love without restriction and my head is putting the breaks on it.
Something within me may know Ryland from a previous life but it is not from this life. It's difficult to reconcile all this and be instantly in love with him again. As difficult as it is, I have to hold a piece of myself back until I can take the time to understand what's happening to me. What has happened to me. I need time to figure out where we go from here. And now isn't the time to do that. Not when both of our lives are in jeopardy.
But holding myself back from him feels unnatural.
Wrong.
Impossible.
My fingers itch to touch him, to stroke through his hair, to caress his face. I want to close the distance separating us. I want to capture his lips with my own. Heat floods through my cheeks at that thought and I force my eyes away. Okay, calm down. If I continue thinking along these lines, I will completely shatter.
And it doesn't make it any easier knowing that his first instinct is to protect me. Actually that only makes it more difficult to keep my distance from him. It's all too easy to understand how I could have fallen in love with my sister's intended the first time around. But understanding what happened to her is what I need now.
"Please, Ryland, just tell me what happened to them. I need to know."
Reconciled to the fact that I am not budging from this issue, he gives me a slight nod. I can't move forward until I know what their fates were.
"You have to understand, Shaylee was devastated by the circumstances of your..." He stops, searching for a less charged word, "death. She was beside herself with grief." His eyes skitter away as he softly continues, "And she was humiliated that I would choose to leave the realm with another rather than unite with her. She locked herself in her room after... afterward. It wasn't until the next morning that the guards found her body beneath her window. She had jumped..."
Silent tears trek their way slowly down my cheeks. I nod my head, sucking in air with deep ragged breaths. I have to keep it together. He pauses before carefully wiping the wetness with the soft pad of his thumb. Then he presses his lips tenderly against mine before murmuring quietly, "I cannot bear to cause you such anguish."
I nod knowing that he feels my pain just as keenly as I do. "Please, just finish it."
Tiredly he inclines his head.
"Kalen?"
I think about the boy who the Faerie Queen betrothed me t
o. He could not have been sweeter. I remember thinking that had I not already fallen so deeply in love with Ryland, maybe there could have been a chance for us. He was kind hearted and funny. But already I loved another and was powerless to undo the depth of emotion I felt for Ryland. I cannot help but dwell upon the similarities between Callen and Kalen. Yes, the same person. The same inner spirit. The same personalities. Sweet. Caring. Easy going. Solid. Dependable. A good friend. Pain clenches my heart knowing that it was I who brought about his demise.
What I find most bewildering is that in my human life, I didn't know Ryland and yet I still couldn't love Callen as fully, as completely as I wanted to, as I should have been able to. Is it possible for love to transcend lifetimes? To live solely within the confines of your heart? If that’s true, then no one would have ever been able to touch that place within my heart where the memories of Ryland still reside.
Is his imprint somehow marked upon my very soul?
What if Ryland had not found me again?
Would I have lived the rest of my life searching for a love that never quite seemed right?
And what if we cannot find a way to be together?
What then?
I inhale a deep breath because first, we need to get out of the Faerie Realm alive. Then we can figure out the rest.
"Kalen was..." he pauses clearly not wanting to continue, "executed."
I gasp not expecting such a blunt answer. "Why would they kill him?" My belly churns at the horrors my friends endured. They both suffered untimely demises because I was unwilling to give up Ryland’s love.
"It was at the Queen's order."
"Because of me?"
I can't understand why she would take his life. All because he was unable to sway me from Ryland?
"He disobeyed her before the court." Ryland closes his eyes tiredly as if he is truly exhausted by our conversation. Exhausted by the amount of lives that rest at his mother's cold feet.
"How?" Barely can I choke out the question. "How did he disobey her?"
His eyes hold mine once more and I see the ache throbbing within them. "He refused to take your life."
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