The faerie guard won't stop searching for us until we're dead. Even if we manage to outsmart them for a day or two, what good will that really do? Prolong the inevitable? Eventually we have to come out of hiding. It's entirely possible that the Faerie Queen will send reinforcements if these four remain unsuccessful. Dread fills me at the thought of more guards being dispatched with the sole intent of killing us. I'm certain she expected us to be dead already.
And we're not.
Which has surely turned out to be a real glitch in her day.
If I've learned anything since arriving here, it's that the Faerie Queen doesn't like to be thwarted. When this hunt begins to drag, she'll do whatever is necessary to hasten things along.
Chapter Twenty-One
For the remainder of the day, we do nothing more than sit perched high up in the tree listening for any sign that the faerie guard might be scouring the forest below us again. It doesn't take long for our safe haven to morph into a prison. Even though we both remain on high alert, our ears pricked to pick up the slightest disturbance in the woods, tedium sets in making the day pass sluggishly. It's almost a relief when the shadows start to stretch and narrow with impending darkness.
From where I sit with my stiffened back against the smooth inside of the tree, I watch as the moon rises in the darkened sky before casting a soft warm glow over the forest. For just a moment, my mind tumbles back to the full moon that illuminated the woods almost a week ago. So much has changed since then. Everything I once believed to be true has turned out to be false. Now I sit beside Ryland, hunted by ruthless faeries and honestly, and I don't know if we're going to make it out of the Faerie Realm alive. I don't know if I'm ever going to see my parents again. Or Shay and Callen for that matter. My heart squeezes painfully at that thought.
I reach out grasping Ryland's hand with my uninjured one. His eyes arrow straight to mine. Silently we hold each other's gazes. Everything we could possibly say is conveyed within that one silent moment of connection. Squeezing his fingers again, I stretch my legs out in front of me.
Because I haven't really been able to move around, my entire body feels tired and cramped. Every muscle is stiff and achy. As much as I'd like to stretch my legs out more fully, I've been too scared to make any kind of noise just in case the faerie guard is making yet another sweep through the area.
We haven't dared to climb out of the tree yet. We've heard the faerie guard crisscrossing through the forest at least eight times all the while sitting quietly above them. Each time they came tromping through, I felt certain they would discover us hiding right under their noses. Well, above their noses actually. Each time they passed below us, I could sense their mounting frustration in continuously coming up empty.
The last time they swept through, it sounded like there were more footfalls and the noise seemed more pronounced than previously. The fact that the Queen has added to their ranks proves that she is none too eager for this hunt to drag on indefinitely. Her patience is waning which is not a good sign for us.
Under the cover of darkness, we can hopefully scrounge something to eat in the forest before making our way to the stream. My mouth is so dry that I'm finding it difficult to swallow. And I'm so hungry that my belly is growling and rumbling in protest. I'm starting to think about the seven lavish courses that were wheeled into our room last evening. I wish I'd been more able to partake. But my belly had been churning with nerves. I forced myself to eat mainly carbs and protein for energy but I had to choke down every single bite.
Trying to get my mind off the gnawing in my belly, I flex my hand slowly before unwrapping the makeshift bandage. No longer does it throb but the gash is ugly and raw. If this had happened at home, my mother would have taken me to the emergency room for stitches. Even in the falling darkness, I see dirt and pieces of tree bark embedded deeply within the wound. Once we get to the stream I'll be able to clean it out. If, by chance, we live through this, I'll have one hell of an ugly scar to serve as a reminder of this hunt.
Quite honestly, I don't think I want any reminders. I'm sure the nightmares I'll end up having will be reminder enough.
As he's done several times already, Ryland gently takes my hand so he can inspect the damage. I watch his dark brows draw together. "It's getting swollen." I don't want to think about the probable infection setting in because I really don't believe we'll be around long enough for it to matter.
But I don't say that.
I can't say that.
Now that the Queen has added to the ranks of the faerie guard, our chances for survival have dwindled into the single digits. I almost snort. Were our chances ever in the double digits to begin with? Did we ever stand a fighting chance of coming out of this alive? Now add that we're hungry, thirsty, tired, and I'm in need of medical attention. Yeah, we're not looking so good. And it will only get worse from here. I understand that now.
Lying low all day has been the easy part.
"It'll feel better once I can clean it out." I murmur the words wanting to make him feel better. Even though I know that cleaning out my wound at this point won't do much good. Infection is probably running rampant through my body at this very moment. Maybe in the beginning it would have made a difference, but it's been a solid fifteen hours since I injured myself. And he's right. My palm, actually my entire hand, has become thick and swollen. My fingers look like plump little sausages.
Looking doubtful, he doesn't respond. Instead he surveys the tops of the leafy green trees. He's so quiet that I know he has to be thinking about something. Just as I am about to ask, he finally says, "I think there might be a way to get you out of here."
What?
"How?" It's all but impossible to imagine a way out of this mess.
He takes his time, obviously still trying to flesh out the plan. Apparently, whether you're a faerie with magical powers or just an ordinary human girl, it all comes down to logistics. And, well, luck.
"I think if we can get to the meadow, the place where the cottage appeared, maybe I can conjure it again."
The cottage.
The door I passed through to get into the Faerie Realm.
I lean forward, excitement and hope rushing through me at the mere possibility. The possibility that this night won't end with even more of my blood being spilled. Of course, the cottage! We can enter the human world and leave these killer faeries behind. I sag against the smooth wall of the tree in relief.
Maybe, just maybe, there's a way out of this after all.
"That's a great idea! It should be pretty easy, right?"
We've never talked about the cottage. After I opened the doorway and saw the meadow, I realized that it wasn't a cottage at all. And with everything else that's happened, I never thought about it again. Now that he's brought it up as a possibility, it seems so easy.
Too easy.
After a few moments I realize he hasn't answered my question. I'm struck with the realization that this might be more difficult than I first suspected.
"Ryland?"
He speaks slowly as if still working it out in his head. "I conjured a spell to link our two worlds. Under normal circumstances, an opening doesn't exist."
"But if you did it once before, you can do it again, right?" Desperation bleeds through every syllable of my words.
He doesn't look nearly as confident. "I think so." Actually he looks kind of worried. "It takes a lot of energy to work that kind of magic. I have to hold it so you have enough time to pass back through to the mortal world."
"Oh." I know nothing of magic. The fact that he's given me a little bit of hope before snatching it quickly away feels all the more cruel than having no hope at all. "But we're going to try, right?"
He holds my gaze steadily. "We don't really have a choice. It's the only way you're ever going to be safe."
Nodding my head, I add, "We'll both be safe because you're coming with me, right? If you can," I pause trying to find the right words, "work your magic or hold it or whatever
it is you need to do- you're going to come back with me to the human world, right?" I feel the muscles of my throat constrict, making it difficult to breathe, as I think about the possibility of leaving him behind.
Ryland smiles tightly before agreeing, "Right."
Moving quietly, he kneels by the opening so he's able to survey the now quiet forest. I know the faerie guard isn't in the immediate vicinity because I can hear small animals scurrying about. I've noticed that everything goes eerily silent when the guards are close by. For just a moment I watch as he studies the forest. He turns away from me but still I see the tautly held smile fade slowly from his lips. A prickle of unease slowly snakes its way through me as I watch him.
Something isn't right.
I get the feeling he's holding something back.
"Ryland." As I murmur his name, his eyes cut to mine. "You're coming with me, right? It's too dangerous for you to stay here." I say the words carefully. I hate being lied to and I have the feeling he's lying to me right now.
He reaches over, squeezing my uninjured hand gently. "Of course."
The wheels in my head start slowly turning as I go over everything he's told me. Was it really only yesterday that all these memories of the Faerie Realm came flooding back to me? It seems like so much has happened in such a short span of time.
"You were in my world before. So, you have to be able to pass through the door linking them together." I'm talking softly now, more to myself than to him. What else did he tell me? It's there in the back of my mind, if I can only remember...
Wait... I... Got it!
He said that my memories of the Faerie Realm would fade when I returned to the human world. Which means that... I stop, trying to make sense out of the words swimming around in my head. I need to slow down and piece them together. Okay, it just means that I'll forget about all this. Wait a minute. Is that right? I feel the corners of my lips start to slide downward.
Does that mean I'll forget about Ryland as well?
How can that be?
My narrowed eyes slice to his and I realize that he's been silently watching me work through all this. The look on his face is one of complete acceptance. As if he's already resigned himself to the fact that we’ll no longer be together. "If I go back to the human world, all of these memories will eventually fade, won’t they?" It's a question and yet it's not because I'm pretty sure I understand. My throat tightens. Gasping for air, I push out the last few words, "You'll end up fading from my memory."
For a long silent moment he merely holds my eyes, searching them, before finally nodding. "Yeah, they will." Then he says more quietly, "I will."
My teeth sink painfully into my lower lip. "But how can my memories just fade away?" Angry, I narrow my eyes at him as if he's lying to me even though he has no reason to do so. "They're my memories. They can't just be taken from me!" Maybe Ryland is wrong. I want more than anything for him to be wrong. We're not talking about past lives anymore. "Before, when I was born into that world," okay, that just sounds crazy but I push forward because right now, this is my reality, "I didn't have memories of the Faerie Realm. But I do now. I've spent time here. I've experienced this," I sputter trying to find the right word, "this world. So, doesn't it stand to reason that they won't just fade away? I mean," I continue, my low voice growing more frantic, "you don't know for certain that I'll lose them." I can't imagine losing any of my memories of Ryland. The mere possibility has my heart constricting.
I can't lose him
I can't lose what I now understand to be the truth.
My truth.
He watches me sadly and that's so much worse than if he just gave me a flat out denial.
"Close your eyes." He says the words softly because even though it's dark and the night is quiet, that could change at any moment and we both know it. So even though we're in the middle of a discussion, we keep our voices pitched low just in case.
I give him a- are-you-kidding-me-right-now look.
One side of his mouth quirks upward slightly. "Just do it."
I huff out a breath before making a big display of closing my eyes. "Okay. What now?"
"Who was your first grade teacher?"
I open one eye, peeking over at him dubiously. He motions for me to close them again. "That's easy because she was my favorite." I pause trying to find the name in the back of my mind. Of course I remember her. I run into her every now and then at the grocery store. She was really nice. Funny. My brows beetle together in concentration as I try generating a mental image of her. But I can't seem to do that either. I can't remember what she looked like and I can't remember her name. Feeling frustrated, I open my eyes.
A sudden chill sweeps through me. But still, I refuse to accept what he's saying. "So what? That was a long time ago."
"Okay, what was the name of your ninth grade math teacher?"
"It was..." my voice trails off as I try grasping the name in my mind. The weird part is that I know who he is. I pass by his room on almost a daily basis and still see him standing in the hallways. But I can't generate a mental picture of him and for the life of me, I can't remember his name. No matter how much I wrack my memory, I just can't summon it. The air whooshes out of my lungs as panic fills me.
What else can't I remember?
What else has disappeared?
"When you return," he says gently, interrupting my frenzied muttering, "everything you can't remember will flood through you in much the same fashion it did when we first touched. Don't worry, Lili. I promise, you'll get your memories back again."
But I'm babbling now. Trying desperately to reassure myself that I haven't lost everything. "My mom's name is Alison. My dad is David." I start rattling off random pieces of information and find just a bit of comfort in what I still can remember.
He reaches out, stroking my cheek gently until my eyes fasten onto his. "The longer you stay here, the more your mortal memories will fade. It starts with ones that aren't used very often until it works its way through all the stuff that matters."
Another chill sweeps through me.
"The same thing will happen when you return to the mortal world. Your memories of the Faerie Realm will start to fade." He looks away as he continues, "You'll end up forgetting about your past here. And once that happens, even if we were to come face to face, you would get that feeling, like before, the one that tells you there's something familiar about me. You would probably assume you knew me from somewhere but you would never be able to remember where."
I shake my head trying to grasp everything he's saying because I don't want it to be true.
"If I happened to touch you, it would be exactly like it was in the woods that first night. There would be a surge of energy between us but you would never remember how we fell in love or what happened to us in the Faerie Realm. All of that would be lost to you. Our past would be lost to you." As he finishes, he finally searches my eyes for understanding.
How can that be?
I suck in a quick breath because I don't want to lose what I've only just regained. "There has to be something we can do!" Now that I finally have these memories I can't bear the thought of letting them go. I don't want to ever forget. Even if I couldn't remember what happened between us, I would still have the sense that something was missing, wouldn't I?
And that's when it hits me.
Because that’s exactly how I've always felt.
Like something inexplicable was missing from my life. And I begin to understand why I was never able to love Callen the way I wanted to. The way I should have been able to because in my heart, I was waiting for Ryland.
How can I possibly let that go?
How can I just turn my back and just walk away from him?
After all these years of feeling like something was wrong with me, as if something unexplainable was missing, I finally realize why. I loved so greatly that it somehow transcended lifetimes and yet, here we are, still unable to be together even though we've finally found one ano
ther again.
Somehow my thumb nail finds its way to my mouth and I start gnawing on it. Studying me, Ryland raises a brow.
"I guess some bad habits transcend whatever life you're in."
Halfheartedly I smirk but nothing feels very funny right now. It's difficult to appreciate the fact that he's trying to lighten the mood with a little bit of humor. But still, neither one of us has very much to say after that. We both seem lost in our own private turmoil.
Can I really just walk away from him? From my past?
But how can I turn my back on my family? On my friends? A single tear slides down my cheek as I think about my parents. I never imagined having to make a choice like this before. And it's not like I don't understand exactly what I'm giving up. I do. My heart skips a beat even thinking about it. But still, I can't leave him. The mere thought of forgetting him again makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and I've never had a panic attack in my life.
Searching the darkness, my eyes take in the forest that surrounds me. Can I really stay here?
Forever?
In this strange world with its vibrant colors and larger than life birds and butterflies? Can I really live in a place where I was forced to end my own life? A shiver of unease snakes its way down my spine.
There are no easy answers. With either choice, I'll be forced to give up something I love but... I just can't imagine being without him.
"I'm not leaving," I say quietly.
He looks... shocked.
Ryland leans forward grabbing my uninjured hand, squeezing it tightly. "You have to go home! You can't stay here. It's much too dangerous."
I arch a brow. "And you can? What are you going to do? Stay holed up in this tree forever? Because sooner or later, they'll find and kill you. We both know that. We're already living on borrowed time. The only chance we have of surviving is to make it to the human world, my world." With my good hand, I squeeze his tightly. "You can come with me! How can I possibly forget you, if you're right there besides me?" It sounds so reasonable, doesn't it?
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