In Spite of Everything

by Catherine Lievens

  Kaspar wasn’t sure about that. Alpha Wiley loved his sons, and he wanted them to be treated as more than carriers, but that didn’t mean he would want his heir to step out of line. He supported the carriers’ laws because he wanted Chris and Nico to be respected, but he still wanted Chris to be his heir, because it was tradition and how things had gone for decades. “Whatever happens, one or both of you will have to give up a lot.”

  “I can’t give up. Being the next alpha is important. And not for me. It’s important for the pride.”

  “You’re right. It’s important. But is it more important than Jacob? Because that’s what it’s going to come down to in the end, isn’t it? If you can’t convince Jacob to go with you, and it doesn’t look like you will, you’ll have to choose. Either he is the most important thing in your life, or being the next alpha is.”

  “Both things are important.”

  “And I’m not saying it’s wrong that you feel that way. In a perfect world, you would have both. In this world, you can’t, Chris. You’re going to have to choose, and I doubt you’ll like the result.” Because either way, he would lose something important to him. Kaspar was glad he wasn’t in his place, but right now, with Chris looking so tiny and vulnerable, he kind of wished he were. He wanted to take away Chris’s pain, but he couldn’t.

  The only thing he could do was to be there for Chris, and he didn’t know how much that would help.

  * * * *

  Julian smiled at Kaspar when he saw him coming down the stairs. “Dinner’s ready in the kitchen. It’s not much, but I didn’t have a lot of time to put something together.”

  “Did you talk to Jacob?”

  Julian blinked. “How did you know?”

  “I just had a conversation with Chris.”

  Julian sighed. “From your expression, I doubt you had better results than I did.” He looked around. The entrance and the living room were empty, but he could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Most of the inhabitants of the Bishop House were eating right now, and while he liked most of them, they were noisy. He wasn’t used to that, and he didn’t know if he ever would be after spending most of his life alone with his son in the forest. “How about I grab you one of the sandwiches I made and some salad, and we hide in the living room? We can talk about Chris and Jacob.” Julian would talk about anything if that was what it took for him to be able to spend some time with Kaspar.

  Kaspar smiled at Julian and put a hand on his shoulder. He gently steered him toward the living room. “I’ll go get dinner. You sit down. You just said you got dinner ready, which means you’ve been on your feet for far longer than I was. Go get some rest.”

  Julian could feel his cheeks heating. “I’m not tired. It’s just dinner, nothing elaborate.” He didn’t mind being on his feet. If anything, he wasn’t used to sitting down as much as he had recently.

  He’d been living in the forest for most of his life, utterly alone but for his son. That meant he was used to getting up with the sun, taking care of the garden, growing vegetables, and doing everything on his own. Here at the Bishop House, though, other people helped, and more importantly, there was running water and electricity. Those things made Julian’s life more comfortable, and he was a bit lost. He didn’t have as much work as he had before, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with his time now.

  “Go on,” Kaspar gently pushed.

  Julian couldn’t help but nod. “Thank you. I’ll be in the living room, then.” It wasn’t the most private setting to have a conversation, but with everyone else eating, it was good enough.

  Julian settled onto one of the couches and looked out the window. He wished he could do more for Chris and Jacob. He hoped the two of them would find their way to each other. They deserved to be happy.

  “Here you go,” Kaspar said as he walked into the living room holding a tray.

  It looked as though he’d put quite a bit of effort into making their plates look good, and Julian smiled at him when he accepted his. “Thank you. You really shouldn’t have.”

  “Of course I should. I know you can do this on your own, but you should have someone who takes care of you every so often. Everyone should.”

  Julian didn’t know how to answer that, so he focused on the food.

  Kaspar wasn’t done, though. He ate a few bites of his sandwich, then asked, “What were you thinking about just now? You look worried.”

  “I was thinking that Chris and Jacob should be happy. Chris, especially, had to hide such an important part of himself for so long. It’s not fair that even though the carriers are free now, he’s not.”

  “We should all be happy. Life is unfair, and as carriers, we’ve seen our fair share of that—especially you. You deserve to be happy, too. You deserve to have someone in your life, just like Chris and Jacob do.”

  Julian hadn’t expected the conversation to go that way. “I am happy.”

  “Well, of course you are. You have your son, and he’s a great guy.”

  “I’m also living here now. I didn’t mind living in the forest. I was used to it. But trust me, there’s something good to be said about being able to take a warm shower anytime I want one.”

  Kaspar chuckled. “I can see that. But what about your personal life? Your love life? Don’t you think you deserve someone?”

  Julian bit his lower lip and forced himself to look away from Kaspar. “I spent my life alone. I’m too old for anything different, and that’s okay.” Julian knew the chances that he’d meet someone who could accept what he was and what he’d gone through were slim. But he had Kari, and in the near future, he would have Kari’s baby. He would be a grandfather, and it was hard to wrap his mind around that.

  He already had so much more than he’d expected. He’d never let himself hope when he’d been alone in the forest. He’d always known Kari would eventually spread his wings and find his own life, and he’d been ready to be left behind. He should have known better. That wasn’t like Kari.

  “Forty-two isn’t old,” Kaspar pointed out.

  “Maybe not, but I’m much older than most of the carriers here.” He was older than all of them. Julian was the only one who was heading toward middle age, and he didn’t mind it.

  He’d lived his life. It might not have been a life most people would want, but it had been his, and in some ways, he’d been happy. He’d been able to raise his baby on his own and watch Kari become an adult. And now he could watch Kari fall in love and have his own baby.

  That was what he’d wanted in life. He wanted his son to be happy and for himself to have a decent life. He did, now. He always would, or at least, he hoped so. He wasn’t alone anymore. And he knew Kaspar was interested in him. He’d realized that, even though he’d never been in this situation, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Kaspar might not think that forty-two was old, but compared to his twenty-five, it was. The years of difference meant that Kaspar could be Julian’s son. Kaspar was the same age as Kari.

  Julian liked Kaspar, even though he was trying his best to keep away from him. He couldn’t risk it. Kaspar deserved so much more. Besides, they were both carriers. Carriers might be free now, but people would still raise some eyebrows if two carriers were together. Everyone was so used to carriers being sold and married to alphas that it would take some time for them to accept that they were more than just baby-makers. Julian already knew that, but that didn’t mean he wanted to fight that fight. He’d already fought so much in his life. He wanted to rest now. He didn’t want to be the poster boy for carrier freedom.

  But that didn’t have anything to do with Kaspar, did it? No, the only reason Julian was pushing him away was because of their age difference, and because once everything was over, Kaspar would go home, and Julian would stay here. He wasn’t going anywhere, not with Kari and his baby living with the cete. Kaspar was a bear shifter, and unlike Julian, he had a home to go back to.

  “Julian?” Kaspar asked.
r />   Julian smiled at him, even though he didn’t feel much like smiling. “Yes?”

  Kaspar looked down at his sandwich, then back at Julian. “Forty-two years old isn’t old.”

  “It’s certainly older than you.”

  “What if I don’t care? I mean, yes, you’re older, but it doesn’t mean you already have one foot in the grave. You’re not old, Julian. You deserve your own life, just as much as Chris and Jacob do. We all do. You deserve to be happy.”

  “But I am. Don’t you see? I never expected or hoped for everything I have now. I have a home and a family. I’m going to be a grandfather.” He snorted. “If that’s not what being old is about, then I don’t know what is. And it’s okay. I’ve lived my life, and I’m fine with that.”

  Kaspar shook his head. “Your life isn’t over.”

  “You’re right. I guess in some ways, it’s only getting started.” And no matter how old he was, Julian couldn’t wait to see what the future held for him.

  Chapter Two

  Kari was whining. It made Julian smile. He was used to it, but it was still a surprise. Kari had always prided himself on being strong and on not needing anyone. Yet now that he had a partner, a home, and a future, he finally allowed himself to relax—and to whine where other people might hear him.

  Julian loved it.

  He’d always wanted this for his son. Their life had been hard, and even though Julian hadn’t been able to do anything about it, he’d prayed. He’d prayed that Kari would find a home, and he had. He’d prayed that Kari would find someone he could be himself with, and he’d met Calder.

  “He hogs the blankets, Dad,” Kari said.

  Julian had to force himself not to smile. “And you’re cold?”

  Kari nodded. He was pouting, too, which was even more unusual than the whining. “I’m always cold these nights. Then during the day, I’m always too hot and sweaty.”

  “Why don’t you put another blanket on the bed? Maybe keep it on your side, and if Calder steals all of the blankets, you can use that one. Wrap yourself into it like a burrito, and he won’t be able to take it away from you.”

  Kari scowled. “But then I won’t be able to unwrap myself every time I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “That’s right. I forgot what it was like to be pregnant.” It had been such a long time ago.

  Julian had loved every second of it, even though Kari hadn’t been put in his body willingly. He hated the memories of the rape, of course, but he loved his son, and he knew he’d made the right decision by running away and having him on his own. Still, he was grateful that Kari had more people in his life now. Julian’s pregnancy and Kari’s birth had been hell on Julian’s body, and he’d been entirely alone for both. It was good that Kari had a healer he saw regularly and a partner.

  Some days Julian wished he had someone who stole his blankets. Instead, he had his own bed, which he didn’t have to share with anyone. No one stole his blankets. No one smiled at him sleepily in the morning. No one rubbed his shoulders when he was tired and they ached.

  “What’s going on?” Kari asked.

  Julian blinked. “I don’t know. You were saying that you had to get up often during the night to go to the bathroom.”

  Kari waved Julian’s words away. “Not about that. I already know that’s happening. I think I’ve gone to the bathroom already twenty times today. This baby is tip-tapping on my bladder, and I hate him.”

  Julian chuckled and patted his son’s hand. “You don’t hate him.”

  “I do.” Kari sighed and rubbed his stomach. “You’re right. I don’t hate him. I just wish we could skip ahead to the birth and having a baby instead of looking like I swallowed a watermelon.”

  “You don’t look like you swallowed a watermelon. Hell, you’re barely showing as it is.”

  Kari scowled again. “I’m fat, Dad.”

  “You’re not fat. You’re carrying a baby. Calder’s baby. Wait until you’re eight months along. Then, you’ll look like you swallowed a watermelon.”

  That made Kari smile for all of a second before he turned his attention back to Julian. “What were you thinking about just now? Before the watermelon thing.”

  Julian didn’t want to talk about it. Kari was his son, and he’d always done his best to shield him from his feelings. Kari didn’t deserve to have all of that dumped onto his shoulders. Julian was the father, and he was the one who needed to keep Kari happy, not the other way around. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not. Come on. I know we’re not as close as we used to be now that I don’t live with you anymore, but it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me. I want you to talk to me. I’m an adult. I can take anything you want to tell me.”

  Julian shook his head and took one of the cookies from the plate he’d put together when Kari had arrived. He nibbled a corner, contemplating what to do. He could talk to Kari about this. As Kari had pointed out, he was an adult now, and he understood much more than he had when he was a teenager. “I’m happy for you,” Julian started, unsure how to explain. “Even though Calder steals the blankets and does a lot of things that make you angry, you still have him. You love him, and he loves you, and you’re building a family together. You’ve always been alone. You only had me. That’s not the case anymore, and you should give yourself some time to get used to that”

  Kari’s eyes narrowed. “And?”

  “And nothing. I’m happy for you, even though I still think I’m too young to be a grandfather. But I was listening to you talk about Calder, and I wished I had someone who stole my blankets, too. That’s all.” Julian looked away. He wasn’t ashamed of feeling this way, but he and Kari didn’t talk about these things, usually.

  Kari’s hand appeared in Julian’s sight, and he squeezed one of Julian’s hands. “You’re lonely,” Kari declared.

  “Of course not. I share the house with more than a dozen people. I’m not lonely.”

  “But none of them wake up in your bed.” Kari paused. “Or do they? What about Kaspar?”

  Julian should have known the conversation would go that way. “What about him?”

  Kari rolled his eyes. “Come on, Dad. I know you like him, and it’s obvious he likes you, too. He could be the one who stole your blankets if you wanted.”

  Julian shook his head. “He might have a crush on me, but we both know it’s not something we should indulge in. What’s in it for him? I’m old and damaged. He’s only twenty-five years old, and he could have anyone he wanted. Even if he decides he doesn’t want to carry children, he can find someone to be with. Now that things are changing for carriers, people aren’t going to see us as just baby-makers anymore.” Although it would take time, and Julian was aware of that.

  He was also aware of how his chest painfully squeezed when he thought of Kaspar being with anyone else.

  “I don’t think he wants anyone else. Every time you’re in the room with him, he looks at you like you hung the moon. He likes you, and I think you should at least give him a chance.” Kari paused. “And you are not damaged. Stop saying that. You’re a good man, a man who hasn’t had the easiest life, yet did his best so I could have a better life.”

  But Julian was damaged. It wasn’t only his age, either. Carrying Kari and having him on his own had changed his body, and he would never get back what he’d had before. He would never get back the ability to have children—not that Kaspar needed him to. Kaspar was a carrier, too, and if he wanted children, he could carry them himself. But having lost that part of himself made Julian feel incomplete, and yes, damaged. He would never say that to Kari, though. It wasn’t Kari’s fault, and he didn’t want his son to think it was.

  He shook his head. “There are a lot of people better suited to Kaspar than I am. I accepted my fate a long time ago, Kari. You don’t have to try so hard to make me happy. I already am, and I don’t need Kaspar to be.”

  Kari threw his hands in the air. “I never said you n
eeded him to be happy, just that you would be happy with him. Come on, Dad. You like him, and he likes you. What are you waiting for?”

  Julian shook his head again. “I can’t do that to him. I told you. I’m old and damaged. I’m going to be a grandfather. I have everything I need and can handle.”

  Kari pushed away from the table and rose to his feet. He pointed a finger at Julian, who blinked at him. “I told you not to say those things about yourself. You are not damaged, Dad. You’re just pigheaded. You don’t want to see the truth. You might be my father, but it doesn’t mean you’re not a man, and you have eyes. Kaspar wants you, and if you don’t let him in your life, someone else will notice him, and he’ll get snagged from under your nose.”

  Kari stomped away and left the house, and Julian watched him go. He was more amused than anything at Kari’s last words. Kari wasn’t wrong, of course, but Julian wouldn’t do anything about it.

  He couldn’t. Kaspar had all his life in front of him, while Julian’s was already half gone. There was nothing he could offer Kaspar, and he wouldn’t change his mind about that.

  * * * *

  Kaspar straightened from his pose and tilted his face toward the sun. He smiled at how good it felt. God, he’d missed this. He’d never been forbidden to leave the Bishop House, but he and the other carriers had been careful. They hadn’t wanted to risk it, which meant they had stayed inside as much as possible, just in case.

  But now there were laws. Carriers were free to be out and about and to do what they wanted, just like everyone else in the forest. Kaspar had started doing his yoga in the morning outside only a few weeks ago, and it felt so good.

  The front door slammed, making Kaspar jump. He looked up, blinking at Kari, who was stomping his way down the porch steps. Kaspar expected him to make a beeline for his car parked in front of the house. No doubt he’d been here to meet with Julian, and from the looks of it, they’d fought.

  Kaspar didn’t think he’d ever spoken to Kari, not for long, anyway. They certainly weren’t friends, which was why he was surprised when Kari turned toward him instead of going to the car. He never stopped stomping, and Kaspar wondered if he was about to get punched. He didn’t think he’d done anything that would warrant that, but Kari was a little wild.