In Spite of Everything

by Catherine Lievens

  Josiah looked away from him. “I am considering it. You might not be aware of it, but my father and my brother had conflicting relationships, both with each other and with me.”

  “They abused you.”

  Josiah’s cheeks became even redder. “They did. They hurt me in ways no one should be hurt. That’s the main reason I’m wary of taking their place. No one in the band helped me, and my first instinct is to let them rot.”

  “You won’t do that.”

  “I won’t?”

  “You’re here. You’re talking to me about becoming the alpha. You didn’t have to do that. If you’re really planning to wash your hands of this, you would have stayed home instead of meeting with me. So no, you’re not going to do it. I don’t know if you’ll accept, but you do know that this would be the best thing for everyone, so you’ll at least consider it.” Luther turned his attention back to Julian and Calder. “This is all I need for now. I’m sorry if you felt like I pushed you into making a decision. I understand how important alphas are for you, and I’m glad to see that you’re working on a solution. I’ll tell my bosses that.”

  Julian didn’t slump in relief, but it was a close thing. Josiah had just earned them and himself a little more time to make the decision, which was what he needed.

  Now Julian only had to pray that Josiah would be able to forgive what the band had done to him and make the decision to lead them.

  * * * *

  Kaspar, Julian, Josiah, and Julian’s alternate bodyguard were silent on their way home. Kaspar kind of wished Jacob had been with them, but he needed time off sometimes, and he’d stayed back at the Bishop House. Julian’s other bodyguard, Diana, wasn’t a bad person, but she was quiet. Instead of chatting like Jacob did, she watched everything with attentive eyes, and it was kind of awkward. She was good at her job, though, and Kaspar wasn’t about to protest. Julian needed her.

  The meeting could have gone much worse than it had. He wished Jacqueline hadn’t been there, but they’d met her as they walked into the meeting room, and of course, she’d used the fact that she was the coyote council member to be at the meeting. She’d tried to raise hell, but Josiah had handled her surprisingly well. He had told her to shut up, and she’d obeyed. Julian was surprised, but he knew this wasn’t over. What he’d seen before and during the meeting made it obvious that she was a crafty person who wouldn’t stop for anything to get what she wanted.

  She wasn’t done with Josiah by any means, and Kaspar would have to keep an eye out for him, too. Of course, that would be impossible once Josiah went back to coyote territory—if he ever went back. He might still choose not to become the next alpha, although, from the way things were going, Kaspar doubted it. Still, it was a possibility, and after the meeting, Kaspar wasn’t sure what he hoped for.

  He wanted Josiah to be happy. He, more than almost anyone, deserved it. Being an alpha wouldn’t make him happy. It would keep the peace in the forest, though, and Kaspar had to wonder what was more important—Josiah’s happiness or peace. He knew which one he wanted to choose, but he also knew it might not be the right answer.

  “We’re going to need to have a meeting with the entire council,” Julian said.

  “After what happened with Jacqueline, I can’t say I’m looking forward to it,” Josiah answered.

  “I don’t think anyone looks forward to meeting with Jacqueline, but she has to be there. Until someone replaces her, she is the coyote council member, and there’s nothing we can do about that.”

  Josiah sighed heavily. “I have no idea who to replace her with.”

  “Technically, it’s not your job. Not yet. Not unless you choose to become the next coyote alpha.”

  Josiah looked tired, much more than Kaspar had ever seen him since he’d arrived at the Bishop House. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to continue being the coyote council member or for her son to become the coyote alpha, but I also don’t want to be the alpha. The situation is a mess, and I hate it.”

  Sometimes it was easy to forget how young Josiah was. They all were. Kaspar was only twenty-five, yet he was one of the oldest carriers in the Bishop House now that Philip was moving out. Besides Julian, only Turner was older, and he was twenty-six. Josiah was a few years younger, and becoming the alpha after everything that had happened to him would be hard. He would have support, of course, but still, it wouldn’t be easy for him.

  “You can always say no,” Julian said quietly. “A part of me wants you to. I want you to be happy, and I know this won’t do that, not in the short run.”

  Josiah leaned against the window. “But there could be a war in the forest if the wrong person becomes the next alpha. I know. Trust me. I’ve been thinking about this since you came to me the first time. I still have no answers for you. I wish I did, but I have conflicting feelings about it.”

  Kaspar was pretty sure they all did. It was good to see Josiah admit it, though.

  Kaspar understood Josiah. He would never want to become an alpha, even if he had to. The thought of the responsibilities, of having so many people’s lives in your hands, was terrifying, especially when those people had hurt you.

  It would be so easy for Josiah to take the job and make the coyotes’ lives hell. He wasn’t that kind of man, but he was a man who had lost a lot and who’d seen people who should have had his back look away when he most needed them. Even if he agreed to be their alpha, it would take a lot of work for him not to lash out. It would take a lot of work for him to do just about anything if he accepted the job, and Kaspar was relieved he wasn’t in his place. Still, he wanted to do more. He just didn’t know what.

  Diana parked the car in front of the Bishop House, and Josiah hopped out as if his ass were on fire. He obviously couldn’t wait to go back to his room and rest, forget about this alpha business for a while, and Kaspar didn’t stop him.

  The yelling did, though.

  Josiah froze on the porch and looked at Julian and Kaspar. Two people were yelling at each other inside the house—from the sound of it, in the entrance—and it was obvious to all of them who it was.

  Jacob and Chris were at it again.

  Kaspar suspected it had to do with the other car in front of the house. He didn’t recognize it, so he suspected it was an alpha’s car. They were the only ones who were allowed to visit the Bishop House. Since Chris was involved in the yelling, it was probable that his father was here to pick him up and that Chris was yelling at Jacob for not fighting for him or something like that.

  Julian opened the front door, and the yelling stopped. When Kaspar stepped inside, he almost laughed. Chris and Nico’s father, Alpha Wiley, was in the corner of the room, his eyes wide as he stared at Chris and Jacob in the middle of the entrance yelling at each other. They both looked like they’d run a marathon with their flushed cheeks and panting, but Chris looked like he wasn’t done yet.

  He turned his attention back to Jacob, barely giving Kaspar and the others any attention. “I want you to fight for me,” he told Jacob. “Is that so hard to understand?”

  “You’re leaving, Chris. What do you want me to do? Should I fight your father so you can stay here with me?”

  Kaspar looked around. They could try to make a break for it and run for the stairs, but that would mean they would have to pass right between Jacob and Chris, and he doubted that was the best idea. Kaspar didn’t want to end up in the middle of the fight if he could avoid it.

  “Come with me,” Chris yelled. There was desperation in his voice, as if he were about to lose everything. “I can’t stay. You know I can’t. But you can come with me.”

  Jacob shook his head. “I am never going to become an alpha mate. I’m sorry, Chris. I wish things were different. You know I do. But this is impossible.”

  “It’s impossible only because you are making it impossible,” Chris screamed. “I love you, you bastard. Don’t you understand that? I would give up anything for you, yet you’re no
t willing to do the same.”

  “Would you really give up anything for me? Because it doesn’t look like it.” Jacob rubbed his face. He looked tired and sad, and Kaspar wished he could help him and Chris. “You’re not giving up anything for me, Chris. You’re asking me to give up my entire life to come with you. You’re going to go back to your life with your father and your brother, to your future position as the alpha. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Even if I wanted to be an alpha mate, what do you expect me to do right now? It’s going to be years before you take your father’s position, and you’ll be busy until then, studying and doing whatever alphas do. And me? Do you expect me to be a house husband or something like that? I have a job here, an important one. I protect Julian.”

  “Anyone can protect him.”

  “Maybe, but you can’t expect me to go home with you and sit for the rest of my life while you go around doing alpha stuff. That’s not me. This is me,” Jacob said, gesturing at the room.

  This was a disaster. Kaspar thought the two had talked, and maybe they had. But they were still fighting in front of everyone, yelling at each other and telling each other stuff they should have kept private.

  Chris shook his head. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “It looks like you’re going to have to. I’m not coming with you, Chris. I’m sorry.” With that said, Jacob turned around and left.

  * * * *

  Julian hated feeling this way, but he was relieved when Chris and Nico eventually left with their father. Alpha Wiley ushered them away, looking around as if he expected Jacob to come back and stop him.

  Jacob didn’t. Julian doubted he would change his mind. He’d sounded convinced of what he was saying and what he wanted. No matter how much Jacob and Chris loved each other, neither of them was ready to compromise, and without compromise, their relationship couldn’t work.

  Julian couldn’t help but look at Kaspar, who was on the other side of the table. They were having dinner with the rest of the carriers and some of the guards, and Kaspar was saying something to Hector and laughing.

  He and Kaspar hadn’t had to compromise yet, but Julian knew it would come. They were lucky enough to live in the same place, and Kaspar didn’t have a job. Neither of them was an alpha, so that wouldn’t be a problem. They were both carriers, but hopefully, no one would care about their relationship. Even if someone had something to say about it, as long as they were in cete or sleuth territory, they would be safe.

  This relationship was everything to Julian, and he was ready to do anything to keep it. He would even leave his job as a council member if he had to. He thought he could do some good by representing the carriers on the council, but he wouldn’t do it if it meant losing Kaspar. He’d already given up so much of his life. He wasn’t ready to do that again, not when he knew there were so many other people who could step into his shoes and take his place on the council.

  “You’re pensive,” Josiah said. He was sitting next to Julian, and Julian had been surprised to see him there.

  He’d thought for sure that Josiah would avoid him since he didn’t want to become the next coyote alpha. Julian only wanted him to be happy, and if it meant that Josiah stayed away from the coyotes, that was fine with him. It would complicate things with the council and the humans, but Julian was convinced it was a problem they could resolve.

  “I was thinking about Chris and Jacob.”

  Josiah grimaced. “I feel bad for them.”

  “So do I.”

  “It’s not fair. I mean, I get why Jacob didn’t want to go with Chris. I get why he doesn’t want to be an alpha mate. But it’s not fair that Chris wouldn’t be allowed to step down, you know?”

  Julian frowned. “Not allowed to step down? What are you talking about?”

  Josiah shrugged. “I don’t know. It sounds to me like Chris is going to be the next alpha because he has to, not because he wants to. It’s what’s expected of him. As long as he’s been alive, his father has been telling him that he would be the next alpha. I don’t know if he realizes there are other options.”

  Julian hadn’t thought about that, but maybe he should have. Did Chris actually want to become the next bobcat alpha? Or was he doing it only because his father expected it from him? At this point, both were possible, and Julian wished Chris was still here so he could talk to him. “Do you think he would have stayed with Jacob if he’d been allowed?” he asked Josiah.

  “I have no idea, but I think he would have at least given it a thought. As it is, he always said that he couldn’t not go back home to follow in his father’s footsteps. He thinks it’s his duty, and while I understand where he’s coming from, I don’t think it’s right. Why should he become the alpha if he doesn’t want to?”

  Why indeed. Julian had nothing to say to that. As much as he wanted to help Chris, he wasn’t sure he could. Even if Chris didn’t want to be the next bobcat alpha, Julian doubted he’d ever admit it. He was proud, and Josiah was right when he said that Chris had been groomed to take his father’s place eventually. It would be hard to step away from that, even for Chris.

  Julian was relieved when he and Kaspar were finally able to go upstairs. He was used to physical labor, but being a council member was a different kind of work. It made him even more tired, and he’d been feeling queasy for a few days. Maybe he’d caught the flu or something. He couldn’t afford to be sick, though.

  Now that they were away from the others, Kaspar seemed to be lost in his thoughts, and Julian left him in the bedroom while he went to the bathroom to shower.

  Kaspar was still there when Julian came out of the bathroom. He was sitting in bed, his chest naked and the blankets bundled at his waist. He looked at Julian when he heard him come in and smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I hate what’s happening between Chris and Jacob,” he said.

  “I was talking with Josiah about it. We agreed that it’s a pity, but I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I hoped they would find a way to work things out. Chris deserves to be happy. He’s young, but he knows what he wants, and he can finally have it, yet he and Jacob broke up.”

  “Not everyone can make it work. Sometimes love is not enough.” Julian slipped into bed next to Kaspar and snuggled up against him.

  He was still getting used to sharing a bed, but he loved it. He loved waking up in the middle of the night and turning to find Kaspar there, lightly snoring or mumbling in his sleep. He loved that in the morning, Kaspar was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, and in the evening, he was the last. Julian wanted this to last forever, and he thought he and Kaspar had a good chance to make that happen. They would need to talk and to compromise, but he was more than ready to do that.

  “I wish I could do something for them,” Kaspar said. He kissed the top of Julian’s head.

  Julian smiled. Yes, this was the rest of his life, and he couldn’t wait to live it.

  “What do you want?” Kaspar asked.

  It took Julian a second to understand what he was talking about. “You mean for you and me?”

  “Yes. It’s obvious that Chris and Jacob want to be together, even though they haven’t been able to make it work. Is that something you could want? Can you imagine yourself having a family with me?”

  Julian frowned and sat up, but Kaspar didn’t release him, so he stayed close. “I told you. I can’t have children anymore.”

  Kaspar bit on his lower lip and looked away. “Maybe, but I can.”

  That was something Julian hadn’t thought about. “You’re right. You can.” Julian had no idea what Kaspar was trying to tell him, but a mix of fear and excitement made his stomach churn. “Is that something you want? Children?”

  Kaspar shrugged. He was still not looking at Julian. “I never really thought about it, you know? I always believed that eventually I would have to get married, because otherwise, the council would get their hands on me. I
didn’t think I would be with anyone for love.” He looked at Julian. “But now I am. Because I love you, Julian.”

  Julian had to swallow because of how dry his mouth felt. “I love you too.”

  Kaspar’s smile lit up the room. “That’s good.” He chuckled. “Of course it is. And I never thought I would have this. That’s why I didn’t let myself think about having a family, a home, children. But since you and I got together, I’ve been wondering.”

  “You told me you weren’t planning to get pregnant anytime soon,” Julian pointed out.

  “I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure how to handle it with your past. I didn’t want to hurt you. I know you hate that you can’t have more kids.”

  “But as you just pointed out, I can. I just wouldn’t be the one carrying them.” And while the thought was a strange one, it wasn’t as bad as Julian had expected.

  Only carriers and women could have children. This was what every other man felt like when he and their significant other decided to have children. They might not be able to carry the child, but it didn’t mean they would love it less, or that they would be less of a father.

  “Is that something you might want?” Kaspar asked. “Other children? Even if I’m the one carrying them?”

  “Yes.” Julian had never allowed himself to hope for a bigger family. He hadn’t thought he could have one, and he hadn’t wanted to hurt over it. But now, that was what Kaspar was offering him. “We can talk about it more, of course, but yes. I would be happy to have children with you.”

  Kaspar’s smile widened. “I want to start trying.”

  Julian blinked. “Start trying?”

  “Every time we have sex, I’m the one making love to you.”

  “Because I can’t get pregnant, and that way, we don’t have to use condoms.” Both of them had been examined when they’d arrived at the Bishop House, and they were healthy—except for the fact that Julian couldn’t have children.

  “Right. But I want kids. You want kids. You don’t have a problem with me carrying the kids, and I don’t, either. Why should we wait? You’ve already waited long enough, don’t you think?”