No Magic, No Problem

by Blair Daniels

  CHAPTER FOUR

  That night, I slept deeper than I had in years.

  And longer.

  My eyes fluttered open to the clock on my nightstand—12:47 PM. No, no, no.

  I jumped out of bed and grabbed yesterday's jeans off the floor. A clump of blonde hair was stuck to them.

  Is that... doll hair?!

  I pulled on a nude bra, white tee, and stepped towards the door. But then Gavin flashed through my mind. His broad shoulders, swoon-worthy British accent. I shook my head, and pulled the tee off.

  Black push-up bra. Red tee.

  That was the kind of thing guys liked, right?

  I ran out into the hallway. My elderly neighbor, Priscilla, stood at her door. She gave me a quick wave. “Sorry, can’t talk!” I said, running to the stairs.

  I got into the car and pulled down the mirror. My dark brown eyes stared back, almost black in the light. I slicked on some lip gloss, played with my hair for five minutes, and then I was on my way.

  "Hello!" Ling called from behind the counter, as I breezed through the laundromat. "Back from lunch? You know, there's a cafeteria on floor 4 –"

  "No, just got here."

  If she responded, I didn't hear it. I pressed my ID card against the reader; the door clicked open. Then I was running towards the elevator.

  Ding.

  I walked out onto the floor. Bright sunlight came through the skylights, shining down on the enchanted water. People noiselessly shuffled between the offices, carrying papers and briefcases. A tall elven woman strutted past me, black hair tucked behind a pointed ear. A short, ogre-like man shuffled by, warts speckling his nose.

  I rushed into Thomas's office. "Thomas, I am so sorry –"

  "Oh, Kira!" Thomas stood up, looking sweatier than usual. "Wonderful to see you!”

  I took a seat, quickly dragging a hand through my uncombed hair. It caught on several tangles.

  "So, let’s talk about yesterday. As I understand it, the witch responsible for reanimating the dolls got away."

  "Uh, yes."

  "Kira, we're so happy to have you on the team. You know that, right?"

  I nodded, confused.

  "And we'd never make you do anything you weren't comfortable doing. I know, sometimes, people like you—who hold a lot of power—are worried about that kind of thing. But I can promise you that we'll always treat you with respect. There's no need to hold back."

  Oh. "I know," I said, hastily.

  "Is there any reason why didn't use your powers?"

  "I was... afraid of destroying the house, Mr. Jackson."

  A relieved smile came over his features, and he waved his hand. "Oh! You don't have to worry about that! We have great insurance. Next time, go full force, okay?"

  “Of course.” No! Why did I say that?

  “Great! Now, your office will be number 73, right down the hall, on this floor. We’re still getting it ready, but it’ll be all set up in a few days.” He passed me a short stack of paperwork. “Now, onto the paperwork, which is a monster in of itself!”

  He laughed. I didn’t.

  The paperwork looked like general employment information—a W-9 form, a contract. The very first page was a questionnaire. “Here, use this,” Thomas said, passing me a fancy metal pen inscribed with National Institute for Monster Prevention on the side. I began to write.

  Name: Kira Steele

  Class

  □ human

  □ elf / fairy / pixie

  □ vampire

  □ shapeshifter

  □ elemental / nymph (please circle one: fire, air, earth, water, metal)

  The list continued, but I stopped reading. I checked human and skipped to the next section. That’s when I got a little nervous.

  Abilities

  □ Spells (mage or sorcerer/sorceress)

  □ Healing (cleric or other healing abilities, including self-healing)

  □ Manipulation of Substances (alchemist, witch, potions master, or transfigurist)

  □ Mind Powers (telekinetic, seer)

  □ Non-magical (combat, archery, et cetera)

  Please describe in detail: ______________

  I randomly checked “Mind Powers” and went to the next section. Worse came to worst, I could make up a prophecy or something. A hundred years in the future. Yeah. No way they could verify that.

  When I was done with the forms, I passed them back to Thomas.

  “Now that that’s over with, let’s continue getting you set up here. Yesterday you were with Gavin, but today, you'll be with Abby Rosenstein."

  My face fell. "I'm not with Gavin?"

  Thomas let out a hearty belly laugh. "He has that effect on women, doesn't he?"

  "Oh, no, I didn't mean... he was nice." The underwire of the bra dug into my side, and I deeply regretted my fashion choices.

  "You'll see him soon enough. He's on Team Indigo, just like you and Abby. And Jim, who you'll meet later."

  "Team... Indigo?"

  "Yeah. I told you about the teams, didn't I?"

  I stared at him, blankly.

  "No. I forgot. Of course." He hit his forehead with his palm. "Okay. The thirty some-odd Hunters that work here are divided into eight teams. The team mentality helps foster a sense of community... ah, who am I kidding." He shook his head. "We have the teams because without them, it's a disorganized mess. Some people not doing any work, some people doing double what they should. The teams help us track who's responsible for what, and keep everyone accountable."

  I nodded.

  "So, anyway, Abby will be showing you around the building today, giving you your login information and ID card. Also, she could use your help. Gavin tells me you know Serpentine, and Abby's itching to learn a new fire spell."

  "Oh. Awesome!"

  Finally, something I could actually help with. I might not be able to shoot lasers from my eyes, but I could code up a spell in no time.

  "You'll find her on floor 7, office 49," Thomas said, tucking the tablet away in his suit.

  Floor 7 was like a cheap imitation of floor 8. Rows of white offices, and a modern-art fountain in the center. As I approached room 49, I heard a loud voice echoing down the hall:

  "No! I told you. Elvis is alive."

  "Ugh. You shoot down everything I say."

  "That's not true."

  I walked in. A curly-haired woman sat at the desk, phone glued to one ear. As soon as she saw me, she dropped it on the receiver. "Are you Kira? Hi!"

  "Hi," I said, uncertainly.

  "Abby," she replied, with a smile. "Here—you look like a reasonable person. Let me ask you. If you've been on two dates with a guy, but he refuses to believe Elvis is alive, is that a deal-breaker?"

  "Uh... no?"

  "Okay, okay. You're right. I'm probably overreacting." She stood up from her chair and paced around the office, randomly skimming her hand over some of the books. "So. I heard you can move things with your mind. You've got to show me!"

  I stared at her blankly. "Uh, maybe later. Thomas said you needed help with a spell?"

  "Yes! So I have this fire spell I want to do. Like –" she shoved her hands forward—"pssshhhhoooooww! Fire in the shape of a dragon shoots out."

  "Got it. May I?" I sat down at her desk, and pulled the keyboard towards me. It was an old computer. Squared edges, loud fan.

  I clicked the icon—a twisted, mint-green serpent—and the Serpentine coding interface filled the screen. Black screen, green text, blocky font.

  "What incantation do you want?"

  Her eyes lit up. "I get to choose my incantation?"

  "Yeah. Usually you do Latin, or —"

  "Dragon, go!"

  I frowned. "You want your incantation to be 'dragon, go'? Like... Pokémon?"

  "Yes, please."

  "Okay." I glanced up at her, then started to type. if mage_user.speaks("dragon go")... My fingers raced across the keyboard.

  new Elemental();

  Elemental.shape = ge
tShape(dragon);

  I wasn't an artist, so I used the Elemental Shapes library. It was a lot different from the shapes library we used at Spells. It included everything from dragons and phoenixes, to swords and scythes, to... obscene gestures and body parts.

  Apparently, some people want to conjure a huge, flaming butt.

  "All right! I got it!" I declared, after I added other necessary bits of code. "Ready to compile?"

  "Ready."

  Abby reached into one of her desk drawers and pulled out a stone. Clear like water, with a shimmering, opalescent mass in the center. The compiler. I'd seen them before, but only from a distance.

  She placed it next to the computer, then spread her hands over it, and recited something in Latin.

  When she pulled her hands away, they shimmered for a second, as if covered in fine glitter. "Okay," Abby grinned. "You ready?"

  "Yeah."

  She spread her feet apart, then cupped her hands in front of her. "Dragon, go!" she shouted.

  Fire shot out of her hands.

  It swept upwards—and then right back towards her. "No!" she screamed, ducking. The fire, which was not in the shape of a dragon, grazed her head and then hit the wall behind us. Where it sizzled and died.

  The distinct smell of burning hair filled the room.

  "Is everything all right?"

  Thomas poked his head in the doorway.

  "Yes, uh..."

  His eyes darted from Abby's hair to the scorch marks on the wall. "You are testing the code first, right, Kira?"

  "Uh, I forgot."

  He forced a smile over his grimace. "See that icon? Right there?" He pointed to an orange flame in the corner. "That will show you a simulation of what the code will do."

  “I know.” I clicked it.

  A badly-CGI'd human popped up. Flames shot from his hands, then bent back towards him. It hit him square in the face.

  WARNING: Your code may cause bodily harm! It did not meet the margin requirements of keeping elements at least 2 feet (0.61 m) from the mage.

  "Always test it first," Thomas said, walking towards the door.

  "Right."

  Thomas strode out of the room, taking one last glance at the scorched wall.

  I felt the heat rush to my face. I did it again. And not in front of Jerry, because who cares about him. In front of Thomas. This was the one thing I was supposed to be good at, here—the one thing I had above all these people with powers. A degree in computer science, instead of telekinetic basket-weaving.

  And I'd screwed it up on the first try.

  "I'm so sorry, Abby. I shouldn't have –"

  "No problem at all!" she said, patting her singed hair. "Stuff like this happens all the time. I'm just happy to work with you!"

  I felt myself break into a smile. "Really? After all that?"

  "Of course." She lay a hand on my shoulder. "We're family here. You're like my sister."

  A weird thing for her to say twenty minutes after meeting me. Then again, I already liked her more than my own sister.

  Fifteen minutes and five simulations later, I got Abby's spell to work. "Dragon, go!" she yelled. Her palms glowed bright orange, like iron just taken from the fire. Then flames erupted from them in a rush of heat and smoke.

  They danced and twisted into the shape of a dragon.

  "Holy crap! This is incredible!" she shrieked, nearly dancing.

  The fire-dragon whooshed forward. It opened its mouth—and a smaller jet of fire blazed out. Then, flame by flame, it faded away until all that remained was smoke.

  "So." I rolled back in her office chair, bringing my feet up onto the desk. "If a fire-dragon breathes fire, is it breathing flesh?"

  She scowled at me. "What?"

  "It's like that meme. If a gingerbread man sits in a gingerbread house, is the house made of flesh, or..." I stared at her blank face. "You know about memes, right?"

  "...Memes?"

  We spent the next half hour looking at the most important memes of the twenty-first century. Finally, after nearly collapsing from laughter, we got to the boring stuff.

  "For today, let's see..." Abby started, looking at her phone. "Okay. We're going to visit the computer lab, first. I'm going to give you your credentials for your online account. Then, we're going down to the monster dungeon."

  "Wait, what?"

  "Technically, we're not supposed to go down there. But it's literally, like, the coolest place in the whole building. I'm sure you're dying to see it."

  "Oh, no, really... that's okay."

  "No, I insist. And if we get into any trouble, you can just like, teleport us out of there, right?" Abby swung the door open.

  “No, I can’t.”

  She shrugged.

  We walked back towards the elevator. A terrible queasiness settled in my stomach. Abby was wonderful, but she didn't exactly seem like the most safety-conscious person. Then again... I was the one who almost caught her on fire an hour ago.

  Ding. The doors parted to reveal two women and a half-man, half-deer creature. A weredeer? A buckman? I stared at him for a second. He stared back at me with those bottomless, black eyes.

  I finally tore my eyes away. "You know, Abby, we can skip the monster dungeon. I don't want to waste your time."

  "No, I insist. In fact... let's go there first!" She pressed the elevator button marked "B2," underneath "B" and "B1". Next to it was a red sign with small, white lettering: NIMP IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES YOU SUSTAIN ON B2.

  I gulped.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The elevator doors slid open at the laundromat. The three other people on the elevator rushed out. "Ow!" said the buckman, as one of his antlers whacked the door frame.

  Thunk. The elevator doors closed.

  We dipped down, faster than I expected. The elevator quaked and rumbled, as if it knew we were descending into the depths of hell. My heart thrummed in my chest; I pulled at my fingers, fidgeted with my hair. Abby seemed to vibrate with excitement.

  Ding.

  The doors parted.

  A cacophony burst into my ears. Caws, roars, growls, hisses—all joining in a discordant, electric hum. Inside wrought-iron cages, sphinxes pawed the ground, screaming shrill cries. Gremlins climbed the walls of the cage, hissing and muttering to themselves. A bluish-white, humanoid creature groaned and rattled the bars of his cage. A black-scaled dragon clawed at the wall, her snout strapped shut with a leather muzzle.

  Not a single cage was empty.

  The room appeared endless, rows of cages and monsters stretching as far as the eye could see. Abby strutted out of the elevator, as if we were in a pet shop. "Sometimes I come down here and give them treats," she said, rooting around in her pocket. "Let's see... ah! Here's a caramel." As she unwrapped it, the monsters went wild—screaming and shaking the iron bars.

  Abby chucked it at one of the sphinxes. She snatched it with her paws and fumbled it into her mouth, tail twitching.

  "They're just trapped here... for eternity?" I asked, with a twitch of sadness. "What if they haven't done anything wrong?"

  She snorted. "Oh, no. Every single one of these things has done something terrible. B1 is the floor for all the nice ones. Like the ones who have only killed a few people."

  My heart dropped. I eyed the iron bars, shaking and rattling with every movement. "Each one of these... has killed more than one person?"

  "Oh, yeah. Intentionally, too." Abby walked over to the sphinx. When she got close, the creature hissed. Brown wings fluttered up, glinting in the light; bare breasts trembled with each ragged breath. "This cutie over here is Isabel. She likes to ask people the riddles... and then eat them, regardless of whether they got it right or not." She paused. "Hey! I should make a meme of that. Like that pet-shaming meme—"

  "Okay, uh, can we go to the computer lab now?"

  She ignored me. "And that thing," she said, pointing to the pale humanoid, "is a Genini. He asks for three wishes, then grants the exact opposite of each."
She snorted. "The dragon's actually the nicest one. She burned down a town and only a dozen people died. And, really, she told me she was provoked—"

  "Can we go now? I'd love to see the computer lab."

  "A Steele woman who likes computers more than monsters?" she asked. "Interesting."

  "You've worked with my family?" I asked, my heart starting to pound.

  "No, but I wish! Your relatives are total badasses." She paused. "Not that you aren't, of course! We even have a room upstairs in the library named after Gertrude Steele. Must be your grandma, or something. She donated a lot of stuff to us. There's this really cool—"

  "Can we go to the computer lab, now? Please?"

  "Of course."

  We walked back down the cement hallway. Our footsteps echoed across the floor, barely audible above the screeches and sounds of the monsters. We heard the whoosh from above, as the elevator came towards us—

  Thump.

  My toe caught on something.

  I flew forward. My shoulder crashed into the wall; pain shot up my body. Abby's eyes widened with horror.

  I'd stumbled into a big, red button.

  I whipped around to see an ostrich-like creature, its foot sticking out from behind the bars. Its face contorted into a huge grin.

  Brrzt! Brrzt!

  The alarm blared through the room, shaking the cages. The lights on the ceiling cut out. We plunged into darkness—except for the dim, blue light from the anglerfish-creature near the back.

  "Who would put a button there?!" I shouted.

  "I don't know! I didn't design the room!"

  I pounded the elevator button. Metallic groans sounded through the ceiling. But no beautiful ding came.

  Creeeeaaaak.

  "What was that?" I asked.

  But I already knew. It was the sound of metal groaning against metal.

  The sound of a cage door opening.

  Every cage door opening.

  The room filled with the ferocious shrieks of the beasts. Glowing eyes flashed with delight. Scrapes of talons echoed across the floor.

  "Kira, stand back!" Abby shouted, stepping in front of me.

  I watched in horror as she advanced towards the monsters, hands outstretched. The sphinxes bounded towards her, screeching excitedly to each other. The dragon stretched to her full size, wings brushing the ceiling. She roared, plumes of smoke curling up from her nostrils.