Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1

by Kurt Knox

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You arrive back at your digs, stretch out on your large circular bed and punch some digits into your celly. A couple of hours later the door buzzer rings and you answer it in your purple silk PJs unbuttoned to the navel.

  The girl at the door is not what you ordered. She’s twice your age, raggedy assed, and smells like Febreze. This shit is totally penguin, i. e. it is not fly.

  ‘You look sadder than my daddy,’ the sex worker tells you, plonking herself on the edge of your bed and rumpling your fine Egyptian cotton. She chews on a candy bar. ‘You want some?’ she asks.

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  Thanks, but I just lost my appetite.

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  Sure, I could use a snack.

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  How about you suck on my Ding Dong instead?

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  Have yourself a Benjamin and take the day off, shorty. Send her home.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You sigh, take the razor blade and draw it sharply across a vein. The sink fills with blood. You’re headed the way of Biggie and Tupac, brother.

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  Take me to your fine titties, sweet oblivion...

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  The hooker laughs, sending a spray of chocolate crumbs all over your premium bed sheets. This shit is a nightmare, like a game of Trivial Pursuit where all the questions are for Literature, only even worse! The hooker sees the horror painted on your face with its perfect cheekbones.

  ‘Relax,’ she says. ‘Have a snack, you’ll feel better.’

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  I don’t want your damn candy!

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  Alright then.

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  Time for you to go, shorty.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You open your eyes to a world of white. You’re stood on an endless cloud. There’s a big pair of pearly gates ahead of you. This shit be cray cray!

  A crusty old white dude with crossed arms guards the gates.

  ‘My name is Saint Peter and to enter heaven you must answer for your Earthly sins,’ he says.

  Dude be frontin’. What you gonna do?

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  Give heaven’s bouncer what he wants.

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  Fuck that noise.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You push the candy bar away and the hooker frowns. ‘Sure I can’t tempt you?’

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  No means no!

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  I’m watching my calories… and they are going up! (eat the candy after all).

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  The hooker hands you a candy bar. You take a bite. It is straight-up delicious.

  ‘You like that?’ she says. ‘You want another?’

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  I will have another.

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  No thanks, I’m full.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You fold your arms and tell Saint Peter you don’t answer to no po-po. He smiles and nods. ‘Respect, bro.’ Game recognizes game. The old man tells you it’s not your time and that he’s returning you to the land of the living.

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  #YOLO, or in this case #YOLT...

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  The hooker flies into a rage, grabbing you by the hairdo and stuffing a candy bar down your windpipe, wrapping and all. It’s just like your dear old grammy used to say — bitches be crazy!

  You must fight to survive. To determine whether you win, take a look at your shoes and ask yourself honestly, are these shoes fly?

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  Yes, they are fly.

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  No, they are not fly.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  That shit is refreshing! Nothing like a spot of suicide to blow off the cobwebs. Now let’s get you back to cutting a swathe through this hood!

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  Word to your mother...

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  The hooker lays defeated, dead at your feet. You feel bad for the way things worked out, but she did start it. Now let’s flush her dismembered remains down the toilet and get on with the adventure!

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  I feel you.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Congratulations, you have graduated to Level Three. Time to conquer the hearts of all ladykind. Bad boy, bad boy, watchoo gonna do?

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  Stretch your legs and take a walk.

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  Hop in your sweet whip.

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  Hitch a ride.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You’re peeling along in your sweet whip when you hit a stop light and a sunflower yellow Subaru pulls up alongside. The driver’s got a grin on like he’s at the wheel of God’s own hot rod. Sat next to him is his shorty. Honey is fine! Face like it was designed by an airbrush and an ass so tight it prolly shits diamonds.

  ‘Yo, playa,’ the driver shouts over the roar of his engine. ‘You down for a game of chicken? If I win I get your sweet whip. If you take me, you get this tasty treat in my passenger seat.’

  You gonna play?

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  You knows it!

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  A woman cannot ethically be considered the property of a man. This so-called ‘game’ is an affront to our collective dignity and I will have no part of it.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You give the driver a monster smackdown with your words.

  ‘How dare you treat your woman like a common poker chip,’ you say. ‘You are a poor ambassador for our gender and a very bad person indeed.’

  True dat. The driver pulls a duckface then burns off, verbally destroyed. Congrats, homes, you did good. God smiles on you from heaven and bestows upon you a miracle. If, previous to this encounter, you accidentally ended up with a heinous racial epithet tattooed across your forehead, it is magically erased!

  A little girl in pigtails approaches.

  ‘You are the greatest man who ever did live,’ she says.

  You laugh and touch a finger to the girl’s forehead and she transforms into a cloud of beautiful iridescent butterflies that pinwheel magically into the azure sky. After that her mom comes over all pissed because you turned her daughter into butterflies. She’s mad bugging, so you use the old butterfly trick on her too. Too much drama.

  Anyway, all this is by the by: what’s next?

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  Take a walk.

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  Hitch a ride.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You’re cutting a strut when you see a female stood on the sidewalk in a state of distress.

  ‘You have to help me, Mister!’ she pleads. ‘My cat’s stuck up that tree!’

  This honey is a special slice. Face like a pre-Modernist oil painting and an ass that could compose an Italian opera. Man, you wanna hold that fine booty down and slap it hard, but cuddle the hell out of it also. So what you gonna do?

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  Climb the tree and rescue the cat.

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  Blast the cat out of the tree with a nearby fire hydrant.

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  This is a job for the authorities. Holla at the Emergency Services.

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  Don’t bother helping at all.

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  Hit the honey with a pick-up line.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Fresh. You scoot up the tree quicker than a playa getting in line for a tour of a titty factory. So fast in fact that you don’t spot a big-ass beehive, and put your arm right through the side of it. Angry bees pour out and sting you top to toe, like, fiddy times. As if that ain’t bad enough, you’ve got that fatal allergy to bee stings to think on. Shit is wiggedy wack!

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  It’s cool, bro, I brought my EpiPen.

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  Medicine’s for chumps (soothe the bee stings with the water from a nearby fire hydrant).

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  Just man up and quit bitching.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You whip the cap off the fire hydrant and blast yourself with its contents. Unfortunately, the fire hydrant is frighteningly literal and full of no-shitting fire! Now you’re burning to death. What do you do?

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  Ignore it.

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  Flap about like a bitch and make a big deal out of it.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You finesse the cat lady with a silky smooth pick-up line and a finger pointed at your dick.

  ‘Gurl, you giving me a development in my pants so big I’m gonna need to seek planning permission.’

  The woman is vibed crazy by your superfly move.

  ‘I thought I’d heard it all,’ she says, ‘but no one ever tried to pick me up while I was in a state of abject distress before. Forget about my imperilled cat — how about we head back to mine and you rescue this puss instead?’