Vari's Choices

by Laura Jo Phillips

  What she didn’t understand was why she’d been given Rami in the first place. Why did the Creators offer something she could never accept? Why did they torture her with hopes and dreams of a future that could never be?

  She’d done every single thing that had been asked of her. She’d spent her entire childhood working hard to learn everything she was asked to learn, and developing the skills she was told she’d one day need.

  Was there something she hadn’t done? Something she’d missed? Was she being punished? Had the Dracon-Bats been thrown in her path as some kind of test? If so, what would the consequences be if she failed?

  She didn’t know the answers to any of those questions. All she knew was that the men destined to be hers were within her reach, but she could never, ever touch them.

  ***

  Pandora hovered outside the bathroom door. Vari’s sobs tore at her, but this time, she knew, there was nothing she could do to help. When she heard a knock at the door she made an instant decision. Darting toward the door she transformed herself into a tiny yellow light and slipped beneath it rather than calling for them to enter.

  “Pandora?” Jay asked in confusion, as a tiny light flew up and hovered before their eyes. The light transformed into a black and white striped butterfly, confirming his guess.

  “Vari’s in the shower,” the butterfly said. “Is there a room I can use for a little while? Something with a vid player would be appreciated.”

  “Of course,” Declan said. “Why do you need a room?”

  “I think you should have some alone time with Vari, that’s all.”

  “Those three rooms belong to us,” he said, pointing to the doors on either side of Vari’s, and then to the one directly across the corridor. “The one at the end is the master suite. You’re welcome to use either of the other two, and they both have entertainment systems.”

  “Thank you,” Pandora said. “The door’s unlocked. Go on in.”

  “Will Vari be expecting us?” Kai asked.

  “No,” Pandora admitted. “But the four of you really need to talk.”

  Declan started to ask her another question but she flitted away before he had a chance. They watched her slip beneath the door to the room next to Declan’s, then they turned to face Vari’s door.

  Declan reached out, opened the door, and stepped inside. Kai followed and Jay locked the door behind them. He frowned when he saw that both Declan and Kai had gone still. A moment later he understood why.

  The sounds coming from behind the bathroom door were faint, but they knew what they were hearing. They looked at each other uncertainly. They all wanted to go into the bathroom and comfort her, but it would be an unforgivable intrusion on her privacy to do so. Just as Declan reached the point where he could no longer stand to listen to Vari’s sobs, they ceased.

  Their tension eased as they remained in place a few steps inside the door and waited. After a few minutes the door opened and Vari stepped out of the bathroom dressed in sleep shorts and a tee even though it was still morning, her hair wet around her face, her eyes swollen and red.

  She froze in surprise to see them there, then looked around for Pandora, wondering why she hadn’t warned her. It took but a moment for her to work out what Pandora had done.

  “I don’t know what Pandora told you, but I’m fine now. I apologize for causing a scene.”

  “Pandora suggested that the four of us should talk, and there’s no need to apologize. Will you sit with us for a few minutes?”

  Vari didn’t want to. She wanted them to leave so she could lock the door and stay in her room until they reached Jasan. Then she remembered the Leaper. “Sure.”

  Declan sensed her reluctance, but didn’t let that stop him. He, Jay, and Kai walked to the table, then waited for her to join them before they sat down.

  “What is it you want to talk about?”

  “It’s time for us to stop hiding from each other, Vari,” he said. “We’re going to sit here, together, and figure this out.”

  “Figure what out?” she asked warily.

  “You’re our berezi,” Kai said gently. “We know that, and so do you.”

  “How did you find out? Did Pandora tell you?”

  “No, she didn’t,” Declan said. “We figured it out the first night you were here, on the Bihotza.”

  As she was about to ask how they figured it out, Declan spoke again, answering her unspoken question. The three of them took turns telling her all that had happened to them since her arrival on the Bihotza. When they told her how they’d figured it out, and that they understood why she’d kept it secret from them, she had to fight back more tears.

  “You’re wrong,” she said when they were finished. She didn’t have to look at them to know they’d all stiffened warily.

  “Wrong about what?” Declan asked.

  “My reasons for hiding the fact that I’m your berezi.”

  “There’s more than one?” Kai asked. She nodded.

  “Will you tell us what they are?”

  “I can tell you one of them.”

  Declan frowned, sensing her growing tension. “We’ll start there, then,” he said, knowing he’d said the right thing when he saw her shoulders relax.

  Jay got up from the table and went to the small chiller in the corner of the room. He took four bottles of water from it and handed them out. “If you like, we can order something from the cafeteria,” he offered.

  “Maybe later,” Vari said, accepting the water. She sipped it, closing her eyes as the cold liquid soothed her throat. When she opened them she saw that they were all staring at her and she had to fight back tears again.

  “What are you thinking, right this moment?” Declan asked.

  “I’m thinking about all the times I tried to imagine you learning the truth, even though I never believed it would happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “For one thing, you’re not around much. It’s been about ten years since you even stepped foot on Jasan, and I spend a lot of my time traveling now, too. I figured if we ever crossed paths it would be a long time in the future, when I’m far too old to interest you.”

  “What would your age have to do with anything?” Jay asked. She opened her mouth to answer, but he wasn’t finished talking yet. “I know that female Clan Jasani age as humans do before conversion, but humans have used age controls for a long time now.”

  “That’s true,” she agreed. “But I’m not human, and they won’t work on female Klanaren.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know why. I just know they won’t. The council announced that discovery a few years back.”

  “That’s not why you kept your secret though, is it?” Kai asked.

  “No, it’s not,” she agreed. “I knew from the day I saw you in Aunt Lari’s garden that I could never let you know the truth.”

  “Because of what we said?” Declan asked. “About keeping you in sight every minute of every day?”

  “No,” she said, surprising them. “It was because I felt how deep your grief was, how much you were hurting, and how difficult it was for you to accept the loss of your brothers. I was only eleven, but I knew enough to know that my inability to touch, or be touched, would hurt you almost as much. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  “You kept it secret for our sakes?” Jay asked.

  Vari nodded without looking up. “When I got older and learned more about what it meant to be an Arima, it only made me more determined to keep my secret. That’s why I got the pheromone suppressants the minute they became available.

  “I can’t be a real berezi to you, and there isn’t anything I can do about that. All I could do was make sure you never had to suffer for it. I guess I failed though, huh?”

  “Failed?” Jay asked. “How did you fail?”

  “You’re here, and you know.” She frowned. “I’m a little bit confused, though. I didn’t think it was possible for you to have a sexual reaction without your mating fangs
descending.” She looked up. “You did say that, right?”

  “Yes, we did, and we’re a little confused by it too,” Jay replied. “Our sexual responses to you are much like those we experienced before we reached maturity a couple of centuries ago. We suspect it’s a combination of your pheromone suppressants and the power we’re sharing with you to enhance your shield that’s causing it.”

  “Whatever the exact reason is, our mating fangs have not descended,” Declan added. “But we definitely have both emotional and physical desires for you.”

  Vari’s blood quickened, but she immediately quelled her feelings. This conversation was important to all of them, and they needed to finish it. She especially needed an answer to one question above all others.

  “Since your mating fangs haven’t descended, does that mean you won’t end up suffering forever?”

  “Suffering forever?” Kai asked. “I don’t understand, Vari. Why would we suffer?”

  “I know you only get one berezi, and I know that once your mating fangs descend, that’s it. You either claim your berezi, or spend the remainder of your lives alone and forever wanting.

  “I also know that if your mating fangs don’t make an appearance, you can take a human wife. You don’t have to spend your lives forever wanting a woman you can never touch.”

  “Does that mean you’ll never accept us as your Rami?” Kai asked, his heart in his throat.

  “No, it means I can’t be your Arima,” she said, more tears trickling down her cheeks.

  “Yes, you can,” Jay said. Everyone looked at him in surprise.

  “How?” Vari asked.

  “It’s simple. You stop taking the suppressants, our mating fangs descend, and we convert you. I’m sure that’ll solve the problem.”

  Vari frowned. “How do you plan to convert me without touching me, Jay?”

  “That’s the same question I’d like an answer to,” Kai put in, while Declan just shook his head.

  Jay opened his mouth, then closed it. “That’s an excellent question. I’m sorry, Vari. I obviously didn’t think that through.”

  “It’s all right,” she said. “I’ve been trying to find a solution to this for ten years so I know how difficult it is to wrap your mind around it.”

  “I want to try something,” Declan said.

  “What?”

  “We’re destined to be yours, Vari, as you’re destined to be ours. This is no small thing and must be considered as an important factor.”

  “Considered how?”

  “Pandora can touch you without causing you pain. She said it’s because you’re bonded. We are also bound to you, and have been since before any of us drew breath. Your soul, and the soul we share were made to be together.”

  “You want to touch me.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You have no idea what you’re asking.”

  “Then tell us.”

  Vari turned the bottle of water around in her hands just to give them something to do. The pain touching others caused her was enormous, and she didn’t want to subject herself to it. But if there was a chance Declan was right, how could she possibly refuse?

  She stretched out one hand and placed it palm down on the table. She saw it trembling and was embarrassed by her fear, but she couldn’t make it be still no matter how hard she tried.

  Declan looked at her hand and shook his head. “Tell us, first.”

  “No,” she said. “After.” Declan hesitated, then looked at each of his brothers in turn. After a long moment, they both nodded.

  Vari bit her lip hard as she watched Declan’s hand approach hers. It took all of her will to leave her hand where it was even though every instinct she possessed was screaming at her to pull it back. Her hand shook harder, but it stayed put.

  Declan’s hand came down, covering hers, and she squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the explosion in her head. She felt the warmth of his skin as his hand fully encompassed hers before he picked it up and placed his other hand against her palm. Her eyes flew open in shock.

  “Nothing?”

  “Nothing,” she replied, unable to tear her eyes from the sight of her hand held between his. “This is real, right?”

  “Yes, it’s real,” Declan said, squeezing her hand very gently between his.

  A slow smile lit up her face. “This is kind of amazing.”

  “How long has it been since you’ve been able to touch another person without pain?” Kai asked.

  “Since two days before my eighth birthday so…thirteen years.” She felt the men’s shock, followed quickly by deep sorrow. “Do you think I could do this without the shield?” she asked with hope in her eyes.

  “I don’t know. We can test it though.”

  “How?” she asked eagerly.

  “Start lowering your shield, but do it very slowly and carefully. The moment you start to feel any discomfort, raise it back up.”

  “Okay, I can do that,” she said, relieved that she’d have control of the experiment herself. She took a breath, then slowly began lowering her shield. She didn’t have to lower it very far before she began feeling pain, though it was just a faint echo of what she knew it would be if she lowered it further. She raised it again and shook her head.

  “No, I need the shield.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s kind of a miracle that I can do this much.”

  Declan returned her smile. “Now, you agreed to tell us what the pain was like.”

  She hesitated, but a deal was a deal. “It feels like my brain is on fire, like it’s literally boiling inside my skull.” She felt nauseous just thinking about it.

  “Now I understand why you didn’t want to do this,” Declan said, a hint of ash grey dulling his cinnamon skin . “It was selfish of me to ask this of you, Vari. I’m sorry.”

  “No, Declan. I made the decision, and I took the risk. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you what it felt like before we tried. But the worst didn’t happen so please, let’s forget that part. I’m too happy right now with what I’ve got.”

  Declan stared at her for a long moment, then seemed to make up his mind about something. He stood up so suddenly his chair nearly fell over, but he didn’t even notice it. He stepped around the corner of the table, bent down and pulled Vari straight up out of her chair and into his arms.

  Her shock was palpable, but she made no effort to get away from him. Instead, she leaned her head against his chest, closed her eyes, and breathed in his scent. He pressed his lips to her forehead, then turned around and crossed to the bed. He kicked his boots off and climbed on, careful not to jostle her too much. When he was leaning against the center of the headboard, Jay and Kai joined them, one on either side.

  “There,” Declan said, kissing her forehead again. “That’s much better, isn’t it?”

  “It is,” she agreed, surprised by how good it felt to be in Declan’s arms with Jay and Kai close by. How exhilarating it felt not to be afraid of their touch.

  “So you can be our Arima after all,” Jay said, smiling as he ran his fingers through her silky hair.

  The happiness fell from Vari’s face. “No, I can’t,” she said, stiffening in Declan’s arms.

  “Why not?” Declan asked. “We can touch now.”

  “I know, and I can’t tell you what it means to me. I never even dared to imagine this would be possible. But even if you can continue to touch me forever, there’s still one more obstacle. One that can’t be so easily resolved.”

  “Which is?”

  “I can’t tell you that,” she said. “What difference does it make anyway? I can’t be your Arima, but we can touch, and you don’t even have to risk having your mating fangs descend to be with me. Isn’t that enough?”

  “What if the reason isn’t true?” Declan asked.

  “Now you’re calling me a liar?”

  “No, I would never call you a liar, Vari. Especially since we all know you’re a lousy liar.”
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  Vari tried, but she couldn’t quite muster up a smile. “What did you mean, then?”

  “You can’t stand the touch of people, but we are an exception despite the fact that you believed it to be impossible. Maybe whatever the other reason is will be the same.”

  “I wish that were the case, Declan. I wish it more than you can imagine. But it’s not.”

  “And you can’t tell us what this reason is.”

  “Not unless I get permission.”

  “Permission from whom?”

  “I can’t tell you that, either,” she said, sensing their mounting frustration, which matched her own. “I’ll ask and if they say yes, I’ll tell you. I’m sorry but that’s all I can do. I can’t break my word.”

  “Of course you can’t,” he said, instantly contrite. “I’m sorry if we seem impatient.”

  “It’s all right, and certainly nothing you need apologize for.” She paused for a moment, then asked the question she most wanted an answer for. “What do we do now?”

  The men made no sound, nor did they move, but she felt their tension. And the sudden spike of excitement.

  “We want you, Vari,” Declan said. “We want you so much it’s hard to think about anything else.”

  “Why do I hear a but coming?”

  “Because there is one,” Declan replied. “The presence of mating fangs does more than signal to a male-set who their berezi is. They also tell the woman, by their existence alone, that she is the only woman for them.

  “Our sexual response to you, as strong as it is when we’re with you, vanishes the moment we can no longer see you. I have no doubt that when you stop taking the pheromone suppressants, our mating fangs will descend. But until that happens we can’t prove to you that you’re the only woman for us.”

  “I don’t need proof,” she said. “I know how I feel, and I sense your emotions strongly enough to have a good idea how the three of you feel, too.”

  “That’s an enormous relief,” Kai said, brushing her arm with the backs of his fingers just because he couldn’t wait another moment to feel her. When Vari’s eyes closed and her skin pebbled it was all he could do not to grab her out of Declan’s arms and spread her out on the bed beneath him.