A Merry Heart

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “What is it, Miriam? Why are you crying?”

  “It–it’s just that. . .” Miriam’s voice faltered. “I’m not sure how things will go once Amos and I are married.”

  “You’re already having second thoughts?”

  Miriam’s only reply was a quick nod.

  “I was afraid of that, and your tight muscles are proof of it.” Crystal massaged the knots in Miriam’s neck and shoulders. “When you gave Jonas and me the news about you and Amos, I suspected that your heart wasn’t in the decision. Why are you marrying him, Miriam? What changed your mind?”

  “I only agreed to marry Amos because of Mary Ellen.” Miriam sniffed deeply. “That sweet little girl needs a mother so badly.” She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “I know I’ve said many times that I would never marry without love, but there will be love—Mary Ellen’s love for me, and my love for her.”

  “I understand, but what about love for Amos?”

  “He’s a nice enough man, but I must admit that I don’t love him.”

  “Then how can you marry him when there’s no love between you?”

  Miriam shrugged. “I can live without a man’s love; I’ve done it for some time. My biggest concern has to do with trust.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know if I can trust Amos.”

  “Trust him how?”

  “He’s agreed not to force a physical relationship on me, but men are selfish, and—”

  “Miriam, all men are not like William Graber. Amos appears to be an honest and upright man. I don’t believe he will hurt you the way William did. However, since you obviously feel no love for him and you say he doesn’t love you, then—”

  “He doesn’t love me.”

  “Then maybe it would be best if you don’t make a lifelong commitment to him. As you know, divorce isn’t an acceptable option among the Old Order Amish, and it isn’t fair of you to expect Amos to enter into a relationship that won’t be a real marriage.”

  “You think I should tell Amos I’ve changed my mind and call off the wedding?”

  “I’m only saying that I feel you need to give the matter more prayer and thought. I want to see you happy, and if you marry someone you don’t love, how can you ever be truly happy?”

  Miriam shrugged. “I’ve come to realize that life’s not always so joyous.”

  “Until you get rid of your feelings of mistrust and allow God to fill your heart with peace, you’ll never find love or happiness.”

  “I’ve learned to manage without those things.” Miriam swallowed against the bitter taste of bile rising to her throat. “Besides, if I marry Amos, it will benefit others, as well.”

  “Like who?”

  “First of all, I won’t be living here with Lewis and Grace, so they’ll be happier. Then there’s Mom. I’m sure she will be pleased to see me married off. Mary Ellen will have a mother to care for her needs properly. And of course, Amos will have someone to cook and clean for him.”

  “What about your needs, Miriam? How will they be met?”

  “My needs will be provided—I’ll have a roof over my head and a child to help Amos raise.” Miriam drew in a deep breath. “I hope that as my best friend, you will support me in this decision.”

  “Of course I support you,” Crystal said with a nod. “I’ll help with your wedding plans in any way I can. If you’re doing what you feel your heart is telling you to do, then I’ll support you with my love and prayers, too.”

  Miriam stared at a dark spot on the tablecloth. It was probably a coffee stain that would never come clean—just like the stain of William’s deception that would never leave her heart. “I—I feel that this is the right thing to do.”

  “All right then; enough has been said.” Crystal patted Miriam gently on the back. “Now, are you sure you won’t go shopping with me?”

  Miriam pushed her chair aside and stood. “I guess there are a few things I might need before the wedding. So, jah, I’ll go along.”

  I

  “How come you’re staring at the newspaper and smiling, Grandma?” Rebekah asked, as she rolled her wheelchair up to the table where Anna sat. “Is there somethin’ funny in that paper?”

  Anna smiled. “I was reading an article written in our Amish newspaper by a woman who lives in Kentucky. She found a nest of baby mice in her box of wedding china.”

  Rebekah giggled. “I bet Aunt Miriam would scream if she found a baby maus in with her wedding dishes.”

  “You’re probably right about that.”

  “I’m glad Aunt Miriam is gonna marry Mary Ellen’s daed. That will make my best friend my cousin, jah?”

  “I expect it will.” I just hope things turn out well between my daughter and Amos, Anna thought. I’ve got a feeling things aren’t quite right between those two.

  I

  The Country Store was Miriam’s favorite place to shop, and today she found it unusually busy. Not only were there several Amish customers milling about, but a lot of tourists had crowded into the small building. Miriam disliked crowds, especially when she knew they were watching her and all the other Amish who often shopped here. Crystal had gone across the street to the quilt shop, and Miriam wondered if it was crowded there, too.

  When she moved to the back of the store where the household items were kept, she spotted an oil lamp she wanted to look at, but it was too high to reach. She glanced around, hoping to find a store clerk to help, but none were in sight. She turned away, deciding to look at some other items instead.

  “Are you in need of some help?”

  Thinking one of the clerks had seen her and had come to help, Miriam replied, “Jah, I would like to see—” Her mouth fell open as she turned her head. “Nick! What are you doing here?”

  He smiled his usual heart-melting smile. “I like to come here on weekends. I get lots of story ideas from watching the people.”

  “You mean my people, don’t you?”

  Nick gave her a playful wink. “The Amish are quite interesting. Especially you, fair lady.”

  Every nerve in Miriam’s body tingled, and her cheeks grew warm. She’d always considered herself quite plain, but in Nick’s presence, she almost believed she was pretty.

  “You know, I wonder if this could be fate, us always running into each other.” Nick brought his head close to hers. “Maybe we really are meant to be together, Miriam.”

  She leaned away. What if someone she knew saw her engaged in such a personal conversation with this man? “We’re not meant to be together, Nick. I’m sure you know that.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” he whispered. “But if you weren’t Amish, I might not have given up so easily on pursuing a relationship with you.”

  Miriam’s hands felt clammy, and her heart beat fast against her chest. She had to get away from Nick as quickly as possible. Yet she didn’t want to leave the store until she had completed her shopping. “If you’ll excuse me, I must find a clerk for some assistance.”

  “What kind of help do you need?”

  She pointed to the shelf above. “I’d like to see that kerosene lamp.”

  “No problem.” Nick easily reached for the lamp and handed it down to her. “Here you go.”

  “Thank you.”

  “So, how are things with you these days?”

  “Fine. I’m. . .uh. . .getting married in a few weeks.”

  Nick’s eyebrows lifted in obvious surprise. “What was that?”

  “I said, ‘I’m getting married in a few weeks.’”

  “Kind of sudden, isn’t it?”

  She stared at the floor for a few seconds, then finally lifted her gaze.

  “Not really. I’ve been thinking about it for some time.”

  He grunted. “And who’s the lucky fellow?”

  “He–he’s a nice Amish man.”

  “I didn’t think he’d be anything but Amish. You made it pretty clear the day I proposed that you could never be ha
ppy with someone who didn’t share your beliefs and traditions. So as much as I hate to admit it, you were right to turn down my offer of marriage. We both know it probably wouldn’t have worked for us.”

  Nick lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Besides, I’ll be moving next week, and I doubt you’d have wanted to move to Ohio, much less become English.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “You’re leaving Lancaster and going to Ohio?”

  He nodded. “Got a job offer at the newspaper in Columbus, and I couldn’t say no to the paycheck they’re offering.”

  “I see.”

  “I won’t be but a few hours from Holmes County, which I understand is where a large settlement of Amish is, so maybe I’ll get the privilege of writing some more stories about your people.”

  “The Budget office is located in Sugarcreek, Ohio,” Miriam said. “Maybe you can stop in there sometime and see how they put it together.”

  “That’s not a bad idea. And if the job at the newspaper in Columbus doesn’t work out, I could put in my résumé at The Budget.” Nick chuckled and leaned close to her again. “I don’t suppose I dare ask for a kiss from the bride-to-be before we part ways?”

  Miriam’s face heated up as she shook her head and took a step back.

  “Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying.” He winked. “Guess a word of congratulations would be more appropriate under the circumstances, huh?”

  “Jah.”

  “Well, congratulations then.”

  Before Miriam could comment, he smiled and said, “Say, I’d like to do something for you, if you’ll let me.”

  “Wh–what is it?”

  “Let me buy that oil lamp. It will be my wedding present to you. Whenever you look at it, maybe you’ll remember me and know that I’m happy you’ve found true love.”

  Miriam swallowed against the lump rising in her throat. How could Nick possibly know she hadn’t found love at all but was only marrying Amos so she would have another place to live and Mary Ellen could have a mother? If she tried to explain things, would he understand? Probably not, since his way of life was so different than hers.

  “Please, don’t deny me the pleasure of giving you the lamp,” he said in a pleading tone. “It would make me happy to do something special for you.”

  Miriam shrugged as she released a sigh. “I suppose it will be all right.” After all, who was she to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness?

  As Miriam’s wedding day approached, she found herself feeling increasingly anxious. She wondered at times if she could make herself go through with the marriage or if she should cancel it and go back to teaching. But then she would think about how she really did want to find another place to live before Lewis married Grace. Besides, Mary Ellen desperately needed her. With those thoughts firmly in mind, Miriam determined in her heart to follow through with the commitment she’d made to marry Amos.

  On the day of the wedding, Miriam awoke with a headache. “Oh, no,” she groaned as she climbed out of bed. “Not today of all days!” She forced herself to get dressed and headed downstairs to the kitchen with a firm resolve that she could make it through the day without any regrets.

  As she sat at the table, drinking a cup of peppermint tea, she reflected on her past. So many memories swirled around in her head. She’d been born here in this old farmhouse—upstairs in what used to be Mom and Papa’s room. She’d grown up here and had never known any other home, but that was about to change. In just a few hours, Miriam would become Amos’s live-in housekeeper and Mary Ellen’s new mamm. Nothing would ever be the same.

  She swallowed hard, trying to force that ever-familiar lump out of her throat. Oh, how she would miss this house filled with so many memories of her happy childhood, when things hadn’t been nearly so complicated or painful as they were now that she was an adult.

  “Guder mariye, bride-to-be.”

  Miriam turned and saw Lewis standing in the doorway, stretching both arms over his head as he yawned.

  “Good morning,” she mumbled.

  “This is your big day. Are you feeling a bit naerfich?”

  “Jah, I am a little nervous,” she admitted.

  Lewis smiled. “I’m sure I’ll be naerfich when Grace and I get married, too.”

  “Grace is a special girl. The two of you should be quite happy living here together.”

  “I hope we can be as happy as Mom and Papa were for so many years.” His smile widened. “I’m happy for you and Amos. You’ve both been through a lot and deserve some joy in your lives.”

  Miriam groaned inwardly, but outwardly, she managed a weak smile. She was glad her brother was happy about his upcoming wedding. She only wished she didn’t feel so anxious on her own wedding day.

  I

  Amos paced from his dresser to the bed and back again. He couldn’t remember when he had been so nervous. Even on his and Ruth’s wedding day, he hadn’t felt this keyed up or suffered with such sweaty palms and shaky hands. Of course, he’d known that Ruth loved him and was marrying him for the right reasons. Not so with Miriam.

  He moved over to the window and stared into the yard below. The morning had dawned with a clear, blue sky, and he spotted a cardinal sitting on a branch of the maple tree near the house, looking eager to begin its day.

  I should be eager, too, he thought, as he opened the window and drew in a couple of deep breaths. I hope I didn’t make a mistake in asking Miriam to marry me, and I hope her agreeing to do so isn’t a mistake. I know she doesn’t love me, and even though I love her, I haven’t been able to tell her, because I’m afraid it might drive her further away.

  He pressed his palms against the window ledge and inhaled again.Dear Lord, please let me know when it’s the right time to tell her how I feel, and I pray that You will bless our union, even though it’s a marriage of convenience and will be in name only.

  I

  Miriam, wearing a navy blue dress draped with a white cape and apron, grew more anxious by the moment as she sat rigidly in her seat, waiting to become Mrs. Amos Hilty. She glanced across the room where Amos sat straight and tall, wearing a white shirt, black trousers, and a matching vest and jacket. Did he feel as nervous as she did about this marriage? Was he having second thoughts, too? His stoic expression gave no indication as to what he might be thinking.

  Should I have accepted Nick’s proposal? Maybe I would have been happier being married to him. Miriam mentally shook herself. She wasn’t marrying Amos so she could be happy.She was doing it for Mary Ellen, so the child would have a mother and so that Miriam would have a home. Things wouldn’t have worked out between her and Nick. Besides, she didn’t love him, nor did he love her. The feelings she’d had for him had only been a silly attraction, and she would never have risked hurting her family or being shunned just to satisfy a need for affection or even a home. By marrying Amos, she would be gaining a daughter, and she wouldn’t have to give up her family or the only way of life she had ever known.

  The wedding ceremony, which was similar to a regular Sunday preaching service, began at 8:30 a.m. Miriam did all right during the first part of the service, but as the time drew closer for her and Amos to stand before the bishop and say their vows, she became increasingly apprehensive. Miriam knew that both men and women of the Amish faith took their wedding vows seriously. Divorce would not be an acceptable option if things didn’t go well between her and Amos. Married couples were expected to work out their problems and, above all else, remain true to the vows they had spoken before God and man.

  Though Miriam’s intent was to remain married to Amos until death parted them, it would not be easy for her to promise to love him. She was sure she would never feel anything more than mutual respect for Amos, but for Mary Ellen’s sake, she would go through with the wedding. No one but Miriam and Amos, and perhaps Crystal, would know this was not a marriage based on love. No one need know the reasons behind her decision to marry him.

  When it was time for Miriam and Amos to stand befor
e the bishop, she pushed her nagging doubts to the back of her mind and took her place beside her groom.

  If Bishop Benner knew about my lack of faith in God and the circumstances of my marriage to Amos, I’m sure he would never have agreed to perform the ceremony, she thought as a lump formed in her throat.

  “Brother,” the bishop said, looking at Amos, “can you confess that you accept this our sister as your wife, and that you will not leave her until death separates you? And do you believe that this is from the Lord and that you have come thus far by your faith and prayers?”

  With only a slight hesitation, Amos answered, “Jah.”

  Bishop Benner then directed his words to Miriam. “Can you confess, sister, that you accept this our brother as your husband, and that you will not leave him until death separates you? And do you believe that this is from the Lord and that you have come thus far by your faith and prayers?”

  Miriam cringed inside because of her deception, but in a clear voice, she answered, “Jah.”

  The bishop spoke to Amos again. “Because you have con-fessed that you want to take this our sister for your wife, do you promise to be loyal to her and care for her if she may have adversity, affliction, sickness, or weakness, as is appropriate for a Christian, God-fearing husband?”

  “Jah.”

  Bishop Benner addressed the same question to Miriam, and she, too, replied affirmatively. He then took Miriam’s right hand and placed it in Amos’s right hand, putting his own hands above and beneath their hands. Offering a blessing, he said, “The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you together and give His rich blessing upon you and be merciful to you. To this I wish you the blessings of God for a good beginning, and may you hold out until a blessed end. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.”

  At the end of the blessing, Miriam, Amos, and Bishop Benner bowed their knees in prayer. When they stood, he said, “Go forth in the name of the Lord. You are now man and wife.”

  Amos and Miriam returned to their respective seats, and one of the ordained ministers gave a testimony, followed by two other ministers expressing agreement with the sermon and wishing Amos and Miriam God’s blessings.