Rocky Mountain Die

by Jake Bible

“I’ll go check on Dr. McCormick and Greta,” Stenkler said, letting go of my stump. “See if they need help with moving anyone or the medical supplies.”

  “Nope. Don’t think so,” I said, clamping my hand on his arm. “You can stay with us.”

  “Jace, let the man go do his job,” Stella said.

  “Greta is fine, I’m sure,” I said, not wanting the man anywhere near my underage daughter.

  “How about you come with me and check on Dr. Kramer?” Stuart said to Stenkler. “The guy’s been asking to see you all day. He thinks he can help with Jace’s head.”

  “Yeah, that’s great,” Stenkler said. “I’d also like to ask him a couple questions about these sisters of Elsbeth’s. I have a theory on their conditioning and how to reverse it. I mentioned it to Elsbeth a while back, but she, well…”

  “Stared at you until you wanted to pee yourself?” I asked.

  “Something like that,” Stenkler frowned.

  “She’s good that way,” I said. I looked at the burned-out building and smiled at my wife. “Shall we, my dear?”

  “We are moving out in fifteen, Stanfords,” Lourdes said. “Be in a vehicle before then.”

  “You wouldn’t dare leave us, would you?” I asked.

  “Yes,” everyone said.

  “Except Stella,” Critter said. “We’d find her, but leave your ass.”

  “The love,” I sighed. “It overwhelms.”

  You talk too much and say basically nothing of value. How is this possible?

  Tell me about it, strange voice in my head. Fucking tell me about it.

  ***

  Elsbeth obviously heard us coming because she’s was just standing there with a rifle in her hands, pretending to show Charlie how to load it. It was possibly the most pitiful rouse I had ever seen.

  “Oh, hey, uh, Mom, and, uh, Dad,” Charlie stammered. “What’s up?”

  I take it back. That was the most pitiful rouse I had ever heard.

  “You tell us,” Stella said. “What is going on with you two?”

  “Nothing,” Elsbeth said. “Training. And nothing. Only training.”

  “Training and nothing,” Charlie added.

  “Really?” Stella asked, her hands on her hips. “Is that the story you want to stick with?”

  “It is,” Elsbeth said. “Training and nothing. Showing Charlie how to fuck shit up with rifles and shit. Bang bang, shit gets fucked. Fucking shit. All the shit. Totally fucked.”

  “Bang bang,” Charlie said, patting the rifle.

  They were lying to you! Tell me what they really said!

  That is what they said! I swear to shit!

  Hold on. Why am I afraid of the voice in my head? It’s just me.

  No, it’s not. Pay attention! Why won’t he pay attention?

  “Brain surgery,” Stella says.

  “What?” I asked, looking at Stella. But she’s talking to Charlie.

  Was talking to Charlie. This all happened before. This happened a few days ago.

  Tell me what Elsbeth said!

  “I am not pleased with either of you right now,” Stella scolded, her finger out and jabbing back and forth between Elsbeth and Charlie. “You are plotting something and it is dangerous and probably going to get you killed.” She said that last part with her finger aimed at Charlie. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be lying to me.” Finger was back at Elsbeth for that. “You get my son killed, El, and there is nothing in this world that will stop me from kicking your ass.”

  “I know,” Elsbeth said, her face very serious. “I won’t get Charlie killed, Stella. I promise. He’s family. I don’t get family killed. I help family.”

  Elsbeth stepped up to Stella and wrapped her in a big hug. To say my wife was surprised would be a massive understatement.

  “I want you to trust me, please, please,” Elsbeth said. “Trust me that I won’t get Charlie killed and have you kick my ass. Trust me that family means more than anything to me.”

  “Then tell me what is going on,” Stella said as she pushed back and took Elsbeth by the upper arms. “I need to know.”

  “That wouldn’t be good,” Elsbeth said. “You have a duty. I tell you and you have to tell the others. If you don’t and they find out then they’ll be mad. I can’t have the others mad at the Stanfords.”

  “They’re going to get mad at Charlie,” Stella argued.

  “No, they won’t,” Elsbeth laughed. “Nobody gets mad at Charlie. He’s golden.”

  “Stay golden, Ponyboy,” Charlie laughed.

  Stella did not laugh. “No Outsiders references, boy,” Stella snapped. “You are way past Outsiders references now.”

  “Sorry,” Charlie said. “Just trying to lighten the mood.”

  “You are riding with us,” Stella said. “Elsbeth can ride in a different RV.”

  “He rides with me,” Elsbeth said.

  Yeah, Charlie and I each took a couple of steps back. If shit was about to go down, neither of us wanted to catch collateral damage.

  “El, I love you, and you are family, but Charlie is my son and I am saying he rides with us,” Stella said. “You two can talk about whatever you are talking about when we stop next. Until then,it’smy turn to talk with him. Understood?”

  “I understand,” Elsbeth said.

  “Good. Because—”

  “But he rides with me,” Elsbeth said. “Sorry. You can’t win this one. Nope. Too close. Almost done. I need him with me.”

  You know how there are like a billion shades of red in one of those giant crayon boxes you used to get as a kid? Yeah, well, Stella’s face turned all of those shades at once. People may have been worried about my head calling it quits, but at that moment I was worried more for my wife’s.

  “Just tell us what is going on, El,” I said.

  Yes, back to that. Good. Very good.

  “I can’t,” Elsbeth said.

  “She can’t,” Charlie echoed.

  “Then you will!” Stella shouted. She stomped over to our son and grabbed him by the arm then started pulling him out into the snow. “This ends now!”

  Then something did end. And it broke my heart and my wife’s heart.

  “Yeah, Mom, it does,” Charlie said. He yanked himself free and walked back to Elsbeth. “My childhood. It’s over and gone, Mom. You need to understand that. I’m part of this group and this convoy not as Charlie Stanford, the son of Stella and Jace Stanford, but as my own self. I pull my own weight now.”

  “Why does she get top billing?” I joked, hoping to defuse what my wife was about to say. Didn’t work.

  “Fine. Be your own damn self!” Stella shouted. “Go ahead and see how long you last without me to pull you out of messes! You think you’re too old for your mother? Guess what? I’m too old to be taking care of an ungrateful little snot-ass shit like you! Go ahead,Charles, grow the fuck up! Have fun being an adult in the motherfucking zombie apocalypse! It’s a goddamn blast!”

  The sounds of RV horns reached us then. Stella pointed at Elsbeth and there was nothing but rage on her face.

  “Fuck you,Carly Michelle Thornberg! FUCK YOU!” she roared then turned and was gone.

  I don’t think I have ever seen Elsbeth look so hurt before that moment when my wife yelled her real name at her. I grew a second heart and that one broke too.

  I do not care about your hearts! What was Carly up to?

  I don’t know! I do not know! Stop it! Just stop yelling in my head! Get out of my head! My head hurts! IT HURTS! STOP! STOP STOP STOP STOP—!

  ***

  The water is bitingly cold. It comes crashing down over my head and the pain is beyond anything I have ever felt as all of my sutures turn into lines of freezing agony.

  “STOP! STOP! STOP!” I’m still yelling. “STOP! STOP! STOP!”

  Stella is also yelling. And so is Stuart, but he’s yelling for all of us to stop yelling. They are both bloodied and tied up, their hands bound together as they sit back to back.

  And
standing in front of me, holding an empty bucket, is Cassie. That de facto leader of Elsbeth’s super soldier sister girl group.

  “Where is Carly?” Cassie growls as she throws the bucket aside and reaches for me, her hand lost from my sight as it goes over my head.

  Then the freezing agony turns to burning agony. Why? Because Cassie is jamming her thumb into one of my sutures.

  I scream.

  “Stop! You’ll kill him!” Stella cries.

  “You’re going to kill us all!” Stuart yells. “The Zs will zero in on us!”

  “Let them,” Cassie says as she smiles, her nose almost touching mine. “I’m not worried. I can get through the Zs without any trouble.”

  I’m still screaming, if anyone is keeping score.

  “Tell me about Carly,” Cassie snarls.

  Her breath smells like rancid apples. You know, like when you walk through an orchard at the end of the apple-picking season and the ground is littered with brown piles of squishy yuck? Like that.

  “I’ll tell you!” I cry. “I’ll tell you everything!”

  Cassie glares at me for a second then removes her thumb from my wounded cranium and steps back.

  “Talk,” she orders. “I want to know everything now. What is Carly’s plan and where are my sisters?”

  “Okay, well, you see, it’s like this,” I start then pause. “What do you mean where are your sisters?”

  “I’m done,” Cassie says and pulls a very long knife from her belt. “You are useless.”

  “Hello?” someone calls from down below. “Uh, anyone up there?”

  Cassie stops and looks puzzled. Then she smiles and turns towards the escalators.

  “I know that voice,” she says, pointing the knife at me. “I’ll be back for you.”

  I recognize the voice also. So do Stella and Stuart.

  “Charlie! Run! Get away from here!” Stella screams. “GO!”

  “Mom? Is that you?” Charlie yells.

  “CHARLIE! GET OUT OF HERE!” I scream.

  Then things get a little uncertain. The scream produces enough pain in my head to power a small municipality. Lights flash before my eyes and this crazy sound fills my ears.

  No, wait… There are actually lights and sounds. I can tell because Stella and Stuart both stop yelling and slam their eyes shut. Interesting.

  I should probably slam my eyes shut, that might help with the pain, but damn if I don’t keep them open for a split second longer.

  Just long enough to see Cassie’s whole body stiffen and a figure come up behind her with something in its hand. Looks like a long something. A long, heavy something.

  Is that a baseball bat?

  Cram!

  The bat slams into the back of Cassie’s head and that crazy woman goes down!

  “Turn them off!” the figure with the bat yells.

  The lights and sounds stop.

  Then Elsbeth turns and looks at me with a seriously big shit-eating grin.

  “Hey, Long Pork,” she laughs. “You found Cassie. Thanks. She was the last one.”

  Of course, the only sensible thing to do in response to that is pass the fuck out. Which I do.

  Chapter Three

  “We need to kill her,” Stella says.

  “No killing,” Elsbeth replies.

  “And why the hell not?” Stella snaps. “She attacked us, tied us up, and tortured Jace!”

  “Got me talking, though,” I say.

  “Which doesn’t help her case,” Stuart says. “Stella is right, Elsbeth. She is a liability we cannot afford right now.”

  “No killing,” Elsbeth says as she stands at the top of the escalators, her eyes watching the shadows of the Zs that are piling up against the front doors. “Charlie?”

  “No killing,” Charlie says, unloading a backpack and setting out some bottles of water and a few cans of food.

  Could be pet food. I couldn’t give a fuck as long as he has a fork on him. Or a spork. Shit, I’ll eat dog food with a spork right now. You lose that kind of pride in the zombie apocalypse real fast.

  “Ignoring the issue of to kill Cassie or not to kill Cassie for the moment, can anyone tell me why I was in flashback hell?” I ask. “That was some seriously fucked up shit. I honestly felt like I was back at that truck depot.”

  “Hypnotic suggestion,” Charlie says. “Elsbeth figured it out.”

  “Hypnotic suggestion?” I say. “Uh, that would mean I’m conditioned to accept hypnosis. I’m not. Trust me. It doesn’t work on me. You’ll have to find your man-barking-like-chicken act somewhere else.”

  “Man barking like chicken. That’s funny,” Elsbeth laughs while she grabs a can of food and pulls the pop top. Yep, totally dog food. “It don’t make you bark like a chicken, but it works on you. Oh, it totally works, Long Pork. All y’all are conditioned.”

  “She’s right, Dad,” Charlie says as he pops open a can of food as well and sticks a fork in it. “We all have been conditioned. Kramer’s a sneaky asshole.”

  He offers the can to Stella and she waves him off, her Mom face in full force.

  “Charles Stanford, you will explain yourself right now,” she snaps.

  “It’s easier to show you,” Elsbeth says.

  “Not talking to you, El,” Stella growls. “I will deal with you later. Right now I am talking to my son.”

  Elsbeth smiles at Stella and holds up her hands. “Gonna be easier to show you.”

  “Talk,” Stella says, jamming a finger into our son’s chest.

  “El’s right,” Charlie sighs. “Tortuga canteen dollars.”

  Stella’s eyes roll up into her head and Charlie has to reach out and steady her by her shoulder to keep her from collapsing.

  “Charlie,” I sigh. “What did you do to your mother? Putting your mother under hypnosis is not okay, son.”

  He holds up a finger. “Mom? Can you hear me?”

  “Yes,” Stella replies, still limp. “And you are so grounded.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Charlie says. “Tell me about your first dog. Tell me about the day you got him.”

  “He is so cute,” she starts. “He is red and white. So small he fits right in my hand. Daddy says he’s a spaniel mix and will make a good hunting dog, but I don’t like it when Daddy goes hunting and kills animals. I’m gonna name him Skipper. Daddy says that’s a good name, but Lorna says it’s stupid and she should pick the name. I start yelling at her and she is yelling at me and Daddy has to take Skipper out of my hands before he gets hurt. Then Mama comes outside, her hands dusty with flour and her forehead all sweaty from being in the kitchen because the AC is still broken. She is pissed. Really pissed.”

  “That’s all, Mom,” Charlie says. “Wake up now. One, two, three.”

  Stella’s eyes come back into focus and she jolts upright. Then her eyes narrow and she glares at Charlie.

  “I already gave him the talk about how it’s not okay to put his mother under hypnosis,” I say. “But feel free to kick his ass.”

  “Kramer did it to all of you,” Elsbeth says, jamming her mouth full of dog food. She stabs the fork into the can and reaches into her back pocket. “He has a book. Every trigger word he’s used on all y’all.”

  Charlie reaches out and takes the small, black notebook from Elsbeth and flips it open then holds it out so we can see the list of names.

  “Whose are those?” I ask.

  “My sisters,” Elsbeth says. “Kramer lied when he said the conditioning couldn’t be reversed. He’s been lying since he showed up. Told you we should have killed him back at Critter’s holler.”

  “Some of the names are crossed off,” Stuart says as he looks at the list. “May I?”

  Charlie hands it to him and starts eating again.

  “How long have you known about this?” Stuart asks as he looks through the notebook until he reaches a specific page. “My trigger words are grumpy tent tits?”

  “Ha!” I laugh. “Oh, I am so calling you that from now on.
What’s mine?”

  “Blowfish carton toes,” Stella says. “That’s what I thought I heard Cassie say when she was done tying us up. I thought I was hearing things, but now it makes sense.”

  Stella is standing there, framed by the bathroom door, wearing nothing but a rose in her hair. Damn she’s hot. I’m so—

  “No!” Charlie shouts.

  I blink a couple times and look around at everyone. Charlie has a disgusted look on his face and Stella is just shaking her head. Elsbeth is grinning from ear to ear.

  “What?” I ask. “What’s wrong?”

  “You were about to describe our wedding night,” Stella says.

  “I was? Huh,” I say. “That was a good night.”

  “Nope. Just nope,” Charlie says.

  “How do you break the conditioning?” Stuart asks. “I am not cool with that man, or anyone, having control over me.”

  “Yeah, that’s easy,” Charlie responds. “You have to get the person that is conditioned to say their own trigger words.”

  “They have to self-hypnotize?” I ask. “So, what? You write it down on a piece of paper and have them read it out loud?”

  “Yeah, something like that,” Charlie says. “But you can’t tell them to read it out loud. As soon as you make them self-aware of it, the conditioning locks down and digs in. You just have to hand it to them.”

  Stuart looks up from the list. “So I’m still conditioned even though I said my trigger words?”

  “Maybe,” Charlie says. “Grumpy tent tits.”

  Stuart blinks a couple of times. “Did I go under?”

  “Nope,” Charlie says. “You said your words before you knew what was going to happen. You are officially no longer conditioned.”

  “But now I know my words and I know what they do,” I say. “How do I reverse the conditioning? I don’t want to be conditioned. That is the total opposite of Fonzie cool. No aaayyy. No aaayyy at all.”

  Charlie and Elsbeth both give me a look I am fairly used to.

  “You had to be there,” I say.

  “Not really,” Stella says. “Your dad thought he was the Fonz for a bit after his brain surgery.”

  “They went through with it? The surgery? No wonder you look like hammered shit,” Charlie asked. “How’d they do it?”