by T Gephart
“Babe, look I’m kind of freaking out a little. Trust me, sanity left the station about seven hours ago, so whatever you’re thinking is probably right on the money. Pick up the phone and tell me what an asshole I’m being and how you are allowed to have one day where I don’t call. Text me and tell me how pathetic I sound. I don’t give a shit if you think I’m a loser; all I know is right now I have no idea why I can’t get in touch with you and my hands are fucking tied. Kenzie, call me.”
If she had any doubt on where my mental status was at, that message was the final nail. And to top it off, I was so frustrated I threw the fucking phone across the room, the shiny piece of Steve Jobs’ legacy skirting the carpet like the useless piece of crap it currently was. Which sent me into a whole new set of panic as I rushed to see if I hadn’t broken the fucker.
Still in one piece. Thank you, Jesus.
I sunk my ass back on the mattress, the phone—which I had little hope would actually ring—beside me and closed my eyes. Had I forgotten some kind of date or something? Did I accidentally say something stupid and now she was mad? Did I sound too excited about being away from her? What the hell was it?
And around and around we went. The party trick where I tried to recall or remember every fucking interaction I’d had with her in the last few days to try and pinpoint the moment where it could have potentially gone downhill. And with nothing to do today until the show tonight, I had all the time in the world to let every bad thought marinade and get good and festered. I didn’t even leave my room, ordering more shitty room service as I sat pondering every worst-case scenario.
Had I been smart, I would have asked for her friend Sara’s number. But I hadn’t anticipated needing it, and didn’t want anyone thinking it was for the wrong reasons. Was I desperate enough to call Dom XXXL? I still had his number from when I’d recon’d him when he and Kenzie were working together. And we did have our little gentleman’s agreement where he’d keep an eye out for her. Lord knows if shit had gone down, he wasn’t doing much of a job. Ah, fuck it. Who am I kidding? I should have called him hours ago.
I scrolled through my contacts till I got to his name—Big Ass MoFo—and let my fingers do the walking.
“Dom here.” He answered after only the second ring. If only my girl would do the fucking same, we’d all be a lot happier.
“Hey, Dom. It’s Joey.” I wasn’t sure if he needed more of an introduction. Not entirely sure which one I’d go with, Kenzie’s boyfriend? Drummer from Black Addiction? Dude who showed up on your doorstep and acted like a lunatic? Take your pick.
“Hey, Joey, how’s the tour? You guys still in New England?” The extra intro not needed as he threw back his hello-how-are-ya.
“We’re actually in Philly at the moment, tour is going well. Listen,” I’d done pleasant chit-chat for as long as I was going to. “I’m having a hard time catching Kenzie and I’m getting a little concerned. Nothing I should know about going on back home is there?” Translation, do you have any idea what the fuck is going on with my girlfriend? Of course he might not have gotten all of that from what I’d actually said, so I was fully prepared to fill in the blanks if needed.
“I saw Kenzie last night actually, just briefly. She was hanging with Sara and they had gone out to pick up some takeaway. Ran into them getting my own chow. She looked fine when I saw them.”
So she’d been out with Sara, I started to piece together the information like a forensic detective.
“Did you talk to her? Do you know if she had her phone with her?” Yeah, because the dude would have noticed shit like that while he was waiting for his order of wildebeest or whatever the fuck the dude ate.
“I don’t know, she didn’t really say much. Sara did most of the talking.” The laugh at the end meant it was probably not to be repeated, not that I gave a shit what those two got hot over.
“Can you think of anything? Anything that might have been weird?” Like a neon sign above her head that spelled out what the fuck was going on, although that probably wasn’t even in the realm of possibility.
“She was wearing sunglasses inside, I guess that was sort of weird. I didn’t think that much of it at the time, but Sara had pulled hers off when she said hi and Kenzie kept hers on.”
“Like what? You think she was hiding something?” I didn’t even want imagine a possibility where she needed to hide her fucking eyes.
“Dude, I honestly don’t know.” The big guy proved to be not very helpful. “She didn’t look like she was nursing a shiner, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“I have no idea what to think, but something is fucked up and if I don’t talk to her some time today, you’re probably going to be seeing me on the evening news.”
Turn on channel five, Joey Shaw burnt down his hotel room in a fit of hysteria when he couldn’t get a hold of his girlfriend. No one wanted to see that, least of all, me.
“If it makes you feel better, I can give her a call and see how she is?” he offered, his voice wavering like he wasn’t sure he wanted to.
“YES!” I said probably a little too enthusiastically considering I was talking to a dude. “Give her a call and then at least we’ll know if there’s any issue with her phone.”
Seriously, was this what girls went through every time a dude blew them off? Maybe I was being punished for all those times I said I was going to call and then didn’t. Or avoided calls from girls I was no longer interested in. I had been a fucking asshole, and if there was a way I could repent for the sins of my past, I’d do that in a freaking heartbeat. Just as long as it didn’t cost me Kenzie, because there was nothing worth that.
“No probs, I’ll give her a call. Talk soon.” Dom said his goodbye and then hung up.
Meanwhile, I was still pacing the carpet like the thing was on fire. Even though I should be halfway fucking relieved I would hopefully have some answers soon, it hadn’t done anything to calm me down.
He’d call and either not get through, in which case we knew it was a service issue, or possibly get the 4-1-1. I wasn’t sure which one I preferred, both really sucked.
Any minute now.
Any. Minute. Now.
No, seriously, were they discussing the global warming crisis? What the hell was taking so long?
I hadn’t taken a look in the mirror but I was sure I had probably gotten older sitting by my phone. No shit, I couldn’t even remember the last time I did something else, other than obsess over the fucking thing.
Still nothing.
This was getting ridiculous.
So, like I had done a million times before, I dialed Kenzie. Voicemail. There’s a fucking shocker. Then I dialed Dom, expecting the same prompt pick up. Voicemail.
Are. You. Fucking. Shitting. Me. Right. Now?
And not the kind of voicemail where it could be someone is already on a call, where it doesn’t even ring. No, this was fucking deliberate. The fucker sounded off until exhaustion before I got the sorry-I-can’t-take-your-call.
I had either fallen into the twilight zone or this was the most elaborate punk’d stunt ever because there was no way that asshole didn’t have his phone with him. We’d spoken ten minutes ago. I don’t care who you are, you pick up your fucking phone. The text message I sent that spelled out exactly that probably didn’t help my cause, but at this stage, I was too far gone.
“Dude, you in there?” Max knocked at my door, interrupting my mental breakdown.
“Yeah.” I made my way from the bed to the door and pulled it open; he was going to see me sooner or later.
“Jesus Christ.” His eyes widened as he walked into the room.
Oh, good. So I did look as bad as I felt, nice to know.
“No, actually but if you have his number maybe we could ask him what the fuck is going on because no one else seems to know.”
Again with the pacing, I guess I would find out soon enough how durable the floor was.
“Still nothing?” Max’s eyes scanned over the half-e
aten trays of what had been last night’s dinner and today’s breakfast and lunch.
“Not even a peep. I even called Dom.” I went on with the retell not sure if it was for Max’s benefit or my own. “He saw her out with Sara last night but of course knew jack about anything. And then offered to call her and see if we could get a bead on what was happening but now he’s stopped answering. I swear, I’m a step away from ramming my head through the drywall because right now nothing is making fucking sense.”
All jokes aside, my mental grip on sanity had well and truly slipped and unless I got some kind of answer soon, we were going to be dealing with some very real problems. And by we, I meant everyone. For the first time in forever I had literally no idea what I was capable of.
“Joey, take a breath.” Max grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to stand still.
Yeah, because taking a breath solved any problems.
“Something is wrong. Whatever it is, it’s bad. I know it, Max. I feel like a caged fucking animal. If something happened to the baby, I swear—”
Max cut me off before I had a chance to finish. “If it was the baby, don’t you think she would have called you by now? Or at the very least got someone else to call?”
God, you’d think so, but currently I had no idea what to think. And it was fair to say anything I thought was a given, sure as fuck wasn’t at this point. Assumptions were useless, and my biggest mistake, that I had made some of my own.
“I shouldn’t have waited. I should have told her that I loved her when I had the chance. I should have done more.” The what-ifs pounded in my head like an unrelenting marching band.
“Whatever it is, you will work it out. I barely recognize the guy standing in front of me, man. You haven’t even looked at another girl, your playing is only getting better and you have been nothing but responsible lately. If I hadn’t seen the transformation myself, I’d have guessed it was either an alien abduction or an Oscar winning performance. She would have noticed that too, Joey. It’s not easy to miss.”
“I’ve never felt like this. I’m fighting blind and I need to know what is going on now.”
That was the biggest issue. I had literally no idea. I couldn’t even start to fix whatever it was because unless I’d done something in my sleep, there wasn’t a thing I could even remotely speculate it could be.
“Okay, so we find out. I’ll try calling her, give me her number.” Max held out his phone so I could input her digits.
With a bunch of whispered Hail Mary’s we waited as the call connected, praying that she would answer an unknown caller. If this didn’t work I was going to systematically go through every person I knew within a five-mile radius of her and try to find answers. And just when we thought the call was either going to end or get diverted to voicemail, the noise stopped. Max and I looked at each other wondering if we’d been disconnected when we heard her.
“Hello?”
“Hello?” Sara had grabbed my phone and decided to answer the unknown caller. I, on the other hand was going to ignore it. I didn’t have the best track record with phone calls especially in the last few days, so was going to let it go to my about-to-explode mailbox. Sara had other ideas.
“No, it’s Sara.” There was no need for confirmation, the wide-eyed look she gave me spelled out it had to be Joey. Or someone connected to him.
I wasn’t surprised. We’d gone from talking and texting constantly to radio silence, and I couldn’t keep doing this.
Avoiding him was killing me slowly, the ache in my chest just seemed to widen as the hours went by, but what was the alternative. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. Unless by talk you meant yell, cry and basically spit out random fucks because that’s probably all I was capable of right now. Too many emotions swirled in me to be objective.
“Hang up,” I whispered, fighting the tears that had seemed to be permanently falling. Too late. My eyes had already started leaking.
Sara had never been good at following directions, staring at me defiantly as she opened her mouth. “How could you do that to her you, asshole. She trusted you and your response is to tell your lawyer to file for joint custody? Are you brain dead or just stupid?”
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
She was my best friend, so when my world tilted, she was the first person I turned to. At first she’d been on Joey’s side but with Brandon’s spin and the legal advice I’d received, she had quickly turned.
She might have mentioned bodily harm once or twice, which is why she ignored my explicit instruction that no one talk to Joey.
The opportunity proved too great a temptation as she let it fly. Like regular Sara with Tourette’s, every single thought she had about Joey and/or the situation came flying out of her mouth with no filter.
Any other circumstances it would have been entertaining to watch.
“No, fuck you!” she yelled into the phone before ending the call. “That went well.” She smiled before handing me the cookie dough we’d been medicating with. There weren’t going to be any actual cookies baked, not that either of us gave a crap.
“Yeah, it sounded like it did. What did he say?” It shouldn’t matter, and yet, here I was asking.
“Acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, denied the whole thing.” She rolled her eyes in disbelief. “Like we’re the dumbasses. Seriously, he had me fooled. Brandon is right, you need to keep away from him.”
In the last few days, everything had unraveled. I went through and systematically analyzed every detail of our relationship. While it seemed out of character, there was no denying that we’d been thrown into a pressure cooker, going zero to a hundred in such a short time. It killed me that I couldn’t be sure of his intentions, that I couldn’t laugh the whole thing off as a joke. What evidence did I have either way? Just because he said he cared for the baby and me didn’t mean he’d be there forever, which is why I agreed to see an attorney.
Brandon had called in a favor with an old military buddy. He had hung up the uniform and was now working with a law firm in town. His boss—Moira Feldman—had been only too happy to slot us in-between appointments so we could have a consultation. What she told us didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy.
“Yes, the father is well within his legal rights to seek joint legal custody once the child is born. Legally, paternity has already been established, so this would safeguard him if you decided to flee or later down the road wanted another man to adopt the child as his own.” The leather of her worn office chair creaked as she leaned back.
“But we had a verbal agreement, I had no intention of stopping him from being a part of the baby’s life. In fact, our relationship had sort of progressed where I assumed we’d be together for it.” I tried to explain.
Things had been the best they’d ever been before Joey had left, and it made me realize how much I cared about him. Okay loved him. I was in love with him and hoped that us becoming a couple was more than just us being together because of circumstances. I had assumed those feelings were reciprocated, and even if he didn’t love me like I loved him, he still cared deeply for me. He’d been nothing but incredibly sweet, gentle—nothing to tip me off that he didn’t want to be with me.
“Perhaps the distance gave him some perspective and he got cold feet. You mentioned he’s a musician who is currently on tour?” She waited for me to nod.
“It could be possible that he was reminded of what he would be giving up, I assume long term relationships hadn’t been part of his original plan. It also wouldn’t be the first time a man has promised something and didn’t follow through. No offense, Mr. Clark.” She smiled at Brandon, who had insisted on sitting beside me. I didn’t even try and fight him; concerned I might miss something important.
“None taken. It’s exactly what I’ve been trying to get Kenzie to see.” Brandon sat up a little straighter in his chair. “The scumbag has decided he doesn’t want to stick around, but also wants to have his cake and eat it too.”
“We don’t know that, this is all speculation, right?” I looked to Moira, hopeful.
I didn’t want to believe that a few short days back in his old lifestyle would erase what we had built, but if I was honest, it was entirely possible. Like giving an alcoholic a beer, maybe those old feelings of temptation would return. It wasn’t even about sex; it was the freedom that he would inevitably have to give up. He’d said he wanted me, but had he been really ready to settle down? The grass might still look greener on the other side, especially since that’s where he was currently mowing his lawn.
“Sure, Ms. Clark. There could be a million explanations as to why he would want to start legal proceedings, but I’m not a fortuneteller. The law is one thing I do understand and usually when a man files for joint physical custody of a child, it is either the dissolution of a union or the intention not to pursue a relationship with the mother.” Moira didn’t bother with the sugarcoating. Possibly she was getting impatient with me, or had become extremely jaded with years in family law but I didn’t doubt that she knew what she was talking about.
When I walked into her homey, beige office, I’d hoped for something different. Reassurance that I was worrying needlessly, and that the paperwork was standard for all couples who weren’t married. I’d hoped she’d give me a warm smile and soothe my fears, not add fuel to an already kindling fire.
“You’re right. What are my options?” My fingers threaded in my lap as I listened to all the possibilities and scenarios.
It was extremely sobering, hearing words that sounded so clinical used to describe my baby and our situation. It showed me how incredibly naïve I’d been to assume we could have just worked things out ourselves. I guess Joey had come to the same conclusion. I just wished it didn’t have to be that way.
“Dom said he called earlier too?” Sara’s voice snapped me back to the present, the unpleasant thoughts about my future being pushed to the side.
“Yeah, I gave him the condensed version and asked him to keep it to himself for awhile.” I shrugged, utterly exhausted.
