by T Gephart
Last thing I wanted to do was share my tales of woe with anyone else, but Joey had taken matters into his own hands when I hadn’t answered his calls. Honestly, part of me was impressed that he kept Dom’s number and swallowed his pride long enough to call him and ask. If this had been another situation, I’d be high-fiving his resourcefulness. We weren’t so intricately woven in each other’s lives that he had a lot to go on. But it wasn’t another situation, it was this one, and to think he was surprised that I had the reaction that I had, was almost offensive. Not that I had a lot of experience with this sort of stuff, but if the guy you saw as your boyfriend suddenly gets his lawyer to call, it doesn’t mean good things. The intention to file a lawsuit; well that was just another nail in the coffin.
“So, is Brandon going to kill him?” Sara popped a piece of cookie dough into her mouth. She had taken over from Brandon this afternoon, the two of them taking turns on Kenzie watch in case I “broke down” and called him. Like I wasn’t going to eventually.
“No one is killing anyone.” I stole back the cookie dough, only half hearted about our quest to eat my feelings. “But you both need to stop treating me like a child.”
What they failed to understand was they were only currently part of this because I allowed it. Which I still wasn’t convinced had been the smartest thing I’d ever done. And the talking at me was really starting to piss me off. It’s not like I was sixteen and stupid. I’d done fine up until this point without anyone’s input.
“It’s all because we love you and we’re mad for you. Aren’t you angry?”
“No, I’m hurt,” I said quieter than I’d meant to. “How can I be mad at him for wanting to be in the baby’s life? I’d have been mad if he all of sudden wanted to have nothing to do with—” I felt another flutter. Almost as if the baby had heard we were talking about him or her and wanted in on the conversation.
“You need to go, Sara.” My head felt like it was going to explode, and I didn’t know what I thought anymore. Somehow what I wanted was getting lost in the voice of everyone else’s opinion.
“Kenzie, don’t do it.” She put her hands on her hips, not making an effort to leave.
“If I do anything, it will be my choice. Last time I checked, I didn’t give up that right because I was having a baby.”
I hadn’t intended to yell—but like all things with me—it didn’t always go to plan. But I couldn’t regret it.
“Maybe I was wrong about Joey.” I sighed, verbally and mentally trying to sort through the mess. “Maybe all we’re going to be are shared names on a birth certificate, but I refuse to hate him. I refuse to listen anymore; whatever happens from here on out is what I want to do. Brandon wanted me to seek legal advice, that’s been done, the rest is up to me.”
Wow, that felt good.
Like I was suddenly gaining some control from the spiral that was currently my life.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s your choice.” Sara shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “I just hate to see someone hurt my friend. Believe me, this thing shocked the hell out of me too. I really thought you guys were going to be together.”
Huh, well I guess we’d all made that mistake.
“I love him, Sara. I still do. I just can’t turn those feelings off even though I want too. That’s the reason why I’m avoiding talking to him right now. Not because that’s what anyone else wants. It’s because my heart is breaking and hearing his voice will just make it shatter all over again.”
I hated hearing my own vulnerability, but I wasn’t ashamed of it either. Those feelings had been real for me regardless of what Joey had felt. And even if it had been for a short time, we’d shared something amazing. If that was over—if we were over—I needed to be able to speak to him without falling apart. We were going to be forever tied. There was no walking away and despite every instinct in me wanting to run away, I couldn’t. Not this time.
“I’m sorry, Kenz. Last thing you need is extra pressure. I’ll go and make sure your brother lays off. If he doesn’t, I’ll call Dom.” Her lips slowly curled into a smile. “He can be very persuasive.”
“It’s okay.” I tried to return the smile, it didn’t work out so well for me. “I’ll handle my brother.”
She gave me a nod and then showed herself out, the silence that came with her departure, comforting.
I stopped; the quiet wrapping me up in a blanket as I stood still in the moment.
I was alone.
And it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
My hand swept across my belly, something I had been doing a lot lately and I absorbed the feeling.
No matter what happened between Joey and me, this baby would be loved. That was one thing I knew hadn’t changed, and right now, that’s what I needed to concentrate on.
I picked up the phone, my finger hovering over the contacts and then I finally did it.
No. I wasn’t calling Joey.
“Hey, little sis, what do you need?” Brandon’s voice filled my ear.
“I love you, Brandon, but I need you to listen to me.” I took a deep breath. “I know what I want and how to live my life, and you can’t bully me even with good intentions.” This is who I was, this is who I needed to be right now.
“Kenzie, I wasn’t bullying you, I was—”
I didn’t give him a chance to finish. “It’s not a debate. I know what’s best and right now, fighting Joey isn’t it. So until you accept that I’m an adult capable of making her own decisions and that I know what I’m doing, I’m going to need you to stay away.”
“Sis . . .” He took a breath. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
“You’re wrong, Brandon. None of this is a mistake, and I won’t let you or anyone else try and make me believe it is. I love you.”
I didn’t wait for a response or a goodbye; I didn’t need any of those things. The mental fog that had weighed me down over the last few days was starting to lift and I finally felt like I could breathe.
I was alone.
And it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
“What the fuck did you do?” I was barely able to spit out the words through my clenched jaw. My anger level, so far in the red I couldn’t see straight.
“Joey, calm down.” Rich laughed nervously, “Why don’t you take a breath and tell me what the problem is.”
Take a breath? He’d be lucky if he was still breathing after I got through with him. Of all the fucked up things that could have been wrong, this was not something I could have ever imagined.
“The problem, you low life piece of scum, is you calling my girlfriend and filling her head with fucking lies. Who the fuck do you think you are?” I gripped the phone so tight, the POS squeaked in protest. My anger level so far off the chain, I felt completely out of control.
“Joey, I’m going to have to ask you again to calm down.” Another worthless piece of advice from the dickwad in the suit, and I was really tired of hearing it. “I can hear you’re upset, but yelling isn’t going to fix the problem. Now, I’m assuming you spoke to Kenzie?”
“No fucktard, I haven’t,” I snapped back, wondering how anyone could be so stupid. “Funny how she stopped taking my calls after you told her we would be filing for custody. I never once told you to contact her and I sure as hell didn’t agree to a fucking lawsuit against my girlfriend. How does that even make sense?”
While I hadn’t gotten a chance to speak to Kenzie, Sara had only been too happy to get on the horn and tell me exactly what kind of shithead she thought I was. It was an enlightening phone call, hearing about how I’d betrayed the woman I loved and threatened her with fucking legal action. And someone needed to call fucking Guinness because the first time in my life, I’d been speechless.
“Joey, we spoke about this.” The condescending asshole showed zero signs of remorse. “I asked you what your intentions were, you said you wanted to raise the child with Kenzie. I asked you if you wanted joint physical custody, you sai
d yes. Any part of this conversation jogging your memory?”
Right now I was thankful. Strange in a situation like this, but I raised my eyes up nonetheless. And thanked God that this piece of shit was in a different state because if he wasn’t, I’d be sitting in a jail cell right now.
“You twisted my words around, asshole. I wanted to raise our kid, together with her. There was no need for fucking paperwork, I never told you to file paperwork.” I couldn’t remember a time when I had this much rage. It swallowed me up and I couldn’t breathe, with complete lack of control. I had no idea what I was capable of and I was too far gone to care.
Max was stone still beside me, watching me go absolutely crazy after we had to listen to Sara’s rant. And if I’d done half the things she said I’d done, she would have been totally justified. But I hadn’t. And instead of Max leaving like I asked him to do, he was standing sentry, ready to bring the noise if I needed him.
“I haven’t done anything. I merely informed her that we would file after the birth of the child. If you want to make sure your rights as the father are protected then it needs to be done, and it was important she had time to retain adequate legal counsel.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear confused as to whether this moron had heard a single word I’d said. Like anything? Because either my version of English was completely off or this guy had his head so far up his ass, he was going to be wearing his colon as a necklace.
“Are you hearing anything I am saying to you?” My whole body shook as the words shot out of my mouth. “I’m that kid’s dad because I am going to be there when he or she is born, not because you put my name on a fucking piece of paper. You have screwed everything up, and so help me, if I lose either one of them, I will hunt you down—”
“Joey.” Max cut in, the shake of head giving me the it’s-not-a-good-idea he didn’t need to say.
I took a breath. “Shit will not be good for you.” My censored version nowhere near what I was feeling.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve worked with musicians, so I get how highly strung you creative types get.” His response seemed completely unaffected. “Because of that, I am willing to overlook the threats. And it is against my advice, but if you don’t want the motion filed, we won’t. Okay?”
Did I stumble into the land of fucking Oz? Because for the life of me I can’t understand what fairytale this guy was trying to sell me. As for the musicians he’s worked with, I didn’t give a fuck. This wasn’t about me being a prima donna needing my ego stroked. This was about my life, and how some guy I barely even knew had lit a fire inside my house. There I was, powerless watching the thing burn.
“You say that like it’s going to fix anything. She thinks this was my idea, that I’m just waiting to dump her like last week’s news.”
I’d die before I’d hurt Kenzie, take a gunshot right to the chest if it meant I could save her from feeling pain. Yet in some fucked up twist of fate, she’d been hurt anyway.
“Well, I can’t control what she thinks, Joey. That’s not my job.” The bastard had the nerve to sound indignant.
“No, it’s not your fucking job. None of this was your fucking job,” I screamed into the mouthpiece and killed the call, the phone that had been previously sitting in my hand getting thrown across the room. The soft thud when it landed on the bed not nearly as satisfying as the smashing of glass I’d expected.
My body lost control as I dropped to my knees and screamed. The frustration burned through my veins as my brain completely disconnected.
She thought I was leaving her, like it could have even been an option.
“Joey, focus, brother. You need to hold it together.” Max sunk to his knees beside me. “We will work this out.”
“Dude, you need to give me time to cool off. I can’t be around anyone right now.” I sunk forward and stared at the floor, my thighs absorbing the weight of my body as I let go.
“I don’t think that’s smart. You want to throw shit—trash the room—I won’t stop you. But I think it’s best you do it with an audience.” Max shot me a look of concern, like he half expected me to take a razor to my wrists.
“I’m not going to trash the room, or myself, if that’s what you’re thinking.” I looked him dead in the eye so he knew I was on the level. “But I need to make some calls.” Or figure out a way to fix this.
“I’m going to talk to Rusty and Angie and get them up to speed. We also need to fire that son of a bitch.” Max shifted on his feet, not sold on leaving. “We’re with you on this, whatever you need.”
“Thanks. Not sure what anyone can do right now, but I appreciate you being so tight about this.” And allowing me to have my fucking breakdown without making feel like a complete pussy.
“Please, being tight is the least I can do. You do what you can.” He nodded to the phone. “And we’ll make sure the asshole gets his walking papers.” He turned and walked out the door.
It was so fucking quiet that I could hear my own heartbeat hammering in my chest. It was keeping tempo with the quick in and out sucks of air my lungs were doing. I needed out of here and I needed it now.
I slowly rose to my feet; the muscles in my legs accepting my weight as I came to full height. My phone, which could have been a casualty, remained intact lying on the mattress of the hotel room bed. As much as I wanted to call Kenzie, there was someone else I needed to call first.
I waited for the call to connect, the voice answering pretty soon after.
“Hello.”
“Hey, it’s Joey.” I rested my head on my fists as I lowered my ass onto the mattress.
“Joey, long time no hear. I’m guessing this isn’t a social call, is it?”
“No.” I swallowed hard, not having any other ideas. “I need a massive favor and I swear to you, I will owe you.”
“You’re assuming you have anything I want.”
“I’m handing you a blank check, you can cash it anytime you want. I’ve never given anyone that.” I didn’t care what it cost me, whatever the price was—it would be worth it. But I needed this.
“Keep your blank check.” There was a pause. “If it’s that important, I’ll do it for free.”
“It doesn’t get more important than this.” I closed my eyes and waited.
There was a pause, but only for a sec. “What do you need?”
***
Max sent me a message to say Angie and Jase were on the phone to the James and Alex and the other powers that be at Metamorphous, our label. Rich had been fired, but if they had their way, he’d never work with anyone in the music industry again. They were just as pissed as we were, and were leaving no stone unturned as we waded through the misery dipped in sin that I was left to deal with.
The band knew me enough to give me my space, which I appreciated, more because I was seriously on the clock than because I wanted to be alone. It was going to be touch-and-go with the high potential to blow up in my face, but I had to try. And I was already running out of time.
“Dude, let us in.” Max rapped on my hotel door, my time limit for solitude apparently expired as I opened the door. Max, flanked by Angie and Rusty stood on the other side, their faces wearing some of my strain.
“I’m glad you’re all here. We need to talk.” I stepped aside and let them in, my plan pretty obvious once they saw my packed suitcase on the bed.
“You’re leaving.” Angie looked to the case and then back to me. It hadn’t been a question and she didn’t seem surprised.
“I’m sorry.” I took a seat beside it on the bed as they took up residence on the hotel provided sofa. “I need to go to Kenzie. If there was any other way I could do this without leaving, I’d do it. But the only way I can fix this is by going back to New York. You guys aren’t just a band to me; you’re my family and this is fucking killing me right now.”
I didn’t want to have to make the choice. To have to put it on the line like that, but that was my child and the woman I loved. I couldn’t
pretend that I was going to be able to play tonight even if I did stay here. I needed to go all in and if I lost, it was going to be big but I was all out of choices.
“Joe, we know.” Rusty nodded, his face reading like he had been expecting me to pull the pin. “We’ll cancel the show, simple. No one can make us play.”
“You can’t cancel the show.” Telling seven thousand people who had paid their hard-earned money they weren’t going to see the band wasn’t an option. I’d disappointed enough people, besides we were out of time. “We’re supposed to be on stage in four hours.”
“Okay, maybe we program the bass parts into the preset.” Angie started brainstorming, her eyes clocking our bass player as she tried to execute the trouble-shooting of the century. “And Max can take the kit tonight. It won’t be fantastic, but we can make do.”
Max was an amazing bass player. But the all-round talented dude was also solid on guitar as well as being able to keep steady time on the kit. Nothing fancy, but he could drive the beat and keep the main tempo happening. But going out on the stage with a backing track wasn’t what Black Addiction did.
“We aren’t a band who plays a pre recorded set, even if it’s just one channel for one show. We’d be cheating and you all know it.” Looking at their faces confirmed they knew I was right. We were a lot of things; frauds weren’t one of them. It was a hundred percent on that stage or not at all.
“So what are you suggesting?” Rusty let out a half assed laugh. “We set up a kit and let you play it via Skype?”
“No, you won’t need me tonight.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Max looked me over like I had clearly lost my mind. “I’m thinking if we take the stage without a set of beats behind us, someone is going to notice.”
I was just about to fill them on my plan when the there was a knock at the door. If shit hadn’t been so time sensitive and completely fucked up, I might have smiled knowing what was on the other side. Instead I pulled it open and let it all unfold without the dialogue.
“Troy?” Angie jumped to her feet as Rusty and Max did the same swivel what-the-fuck between me and the door. Their feet also hitting the floor as they greeted our new guest.
