Addict (Cravings #1)

by Rachael Orman

  Counselor21: That sounds like things are much better than you initially made them seem. What am I missing?

  BadKitty2: I don’t know his name. I’m not allowed to see his face. I’m beginning to wonder what he is hiding.

  Counselor21: Are you afraid he has some horrible deformity or something like that?

  BadKitty2: I don’t care what he looks like. I just want to know. It was fun and different and added to the whole scene at first, but I want to be able to have a face and name to put to him in my dreams.

  Counselor21: Have you told him this?

  BadKitty2: No.

  Counselor21: Why not? If it is something that bothers you so much. Would you be willing to stop seeing him if he said no?

  BadKitty2: It is what I have been going round and round about. I can’t say. I can only say that I have given it serious thought.

  Counselor21: Beyond the name and face issue, what else is causing you to say that things are only okay?

  BadKitty2: He refuses to have sex.

  Counselor21: And that is a bad thing?

  BadKitty2: Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s weird. I’ve never had a man tell me he didn’t want to have sex. I even went as far as accusing him of being gay to see if I could propel him past whatever hiccup there seems to be or find out what the truth was.

  Counselor21: How did he react to that?

  BadKitty2: Not well. Well, he proved that he certainly loves pussy. I don’t think I can ever forget the way he proved that he does indeed love pussy or the orgasm that I got from it.

  BadKitty2: I feel a little like I’m over-sharing here.

  Counselor21: Not at all.

  BadKitty2: Things got more physical between us than they ever had before, but I still had to push him to let me touch him. Do things to him.

  Counselor21: Do you think that maybe he wants to keep the first time the two of you go all the way for when you know who he is?

  BadKitty2: I doubt it. He has made no indication that he plans to ever reveal his name or face to me.

  That statement made me realize how little she knew about me.

  Chapter 19

  Alix

  After a few more exchanges with the counselor, I finally logged off. He spent the last bit reassuring me that I needed to open the lines of communication with Master. Easier said than done, Sir. Easier said than done.

  It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to him. I did. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. It was finding the time to bring up topics I knew wouldn’t go over well. Or at least I expected wouldn’t be taken well.

  That’s why I’d run from the room after he got off. I realized just how much more I was coming to want and that he never made any mention or indication that he wanted more. It had taken pacing my bedroom for hours to finally sort through all my feelings.

  I wanted Master in a way that I’d never wanted anyone else, yet knew very little about him. I didn’t need to know all the details of his life to know that I wanted more. I needed more. Not just his name. Not just to see his handsome face. I knew he was handsome. I’d been granted the pleasure of feeling his face a single, unforgettable time.

  Shutting down my computer, I crawled into bed and lay in the dark staring at my phone. I had Sunday and Monday off so at least I could sleep in.

  The night had been so incredible I didn’t want it to end. My only regret was not letting Master recover more before I’d left. I couldn’t help it at the time. Maybe if I had I would have remembered to retrieve my pearls. Hopefully he would return them to me the next time I saw him.

  Talking to the counselor had been my way to try to calm my mind. It was hard for me to open up, especially to a faceless person, about such private things. Although it had originally been what appealed to me, it also made it a bit awkward. It was the first time I really, truly felt better after talking to him. It was also the first time I opened myself up so much.

  Finally feeling calm enough, I sent Master a text letting him know that I had gotten home okay and that I was sorry for running out so quickly. Staring at the phone, I waited for a reply for a full twenty minutes before turning off the phone.

  Time passed painfully slow until I finally fell into a fitful sleep. When I woke up a few short hours later, I felt no more rested than when I’d fallen asleep, but I had managed to have a dream that I wouldn’t be forgetting for quite some time.

  I had dreamed that Master J was John from the hotel. John, J... It totally worked. My subconscious had to be playing games on me. The chances of them being one and the same were practically impossible. How many people had names that began with the letter J?

  In my dream I hadn’t exactly seen the man’s face, but he had John’s hands with Master’s voice. His body had felt the same as Master’s while looking like John’s. His hair was cut like John’s but the same color as my glimpse of Master’s.

  What a mind-fuck.

  It had only been a dream, but it had felt so real. Just thinking about the way his hands had touched me, made me feel, had shivers running down my back. I knew if I checked, my panties would be damp. My fingers tingled with the thought of how easily they could slip between my thighs and ease the ache the naughty dream had created.

  Throwing back the covers, I jumped from the bed. It was too much temptation to stay bundled up with the remnants of the dream floating around my head. Laundry is never sexy, so I decided that’s what I would do. Quickly gathering the random clothing items scattered around the room, I hefted the overfull basket onto my hip. Once in the laundry room, I dropped it on the floor with a loud clap of plastic meeting tile.

  Sadly it only took a few minutes to get the first load into the washer, leaving me with nothing to do for at least thirty minutes. Glancing around the kitchen, right off the laundry room, I thought the dishes needed to be done.

  And that’s how the entire day went. Desperately hunting for something to do. As soon as that was done, I would again be left searching. While slightly aggravating, it also resulted in a closet and dresser filled with clothes and a clean house.

  Falling on my bed, exhausted, I finally let my mind drift to the night before and the time I spent under Master’s hand. Surprised, I jumped off the bed and retrieved my phone to find that I had numerous unread messages and even a missed call. Apparently Master didn’t like when I didn’t answer him right away.

  I quickly scrolled through the messages, barely reading them, until I got to the most recent message from Master. He went from nice, to upset, to worried. I'm sure he wasn't going to be happy when I told him why I hadn't responded all night or day. I had no real reason. I had never turned my phone off since he'd started texting me. I was normally afraid of missing a call from work or a message from him, but I hadn't been thinking clearly when I'd gone to bed the night before. Plus, I was a bit upset that I hadn't heard right back from him. He had probably been sleeping, but that hadn't crossed my mind then. Then when I woke up I'd simply been so busy trying to keep myself from giving into the burning fire in my gut begging for me to give in and ease the need for release.

  Sighing, I sat down on the edge of the bed and sent Master a message apologizing for being unreachable all day and explaining that I had been cleaning and taking care of the things that were neglected during the work week. My phone started ringing immediately. Putting it up to my ear, I answered with a meek, “Hello.”

  "Cleaning? I was ignored for a pile of dirty clothes and a toilet that needed scrubbing?" Master's voice rumbled through the line, clearly upset.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Last night took a lot out of me and by the time I fell into bed I wasn't thinking and turned off my phone. Then today I was running around trying to get everything done and keep my mind off the crazy dreams I had last night. I wasn't purposefully ignoring you. I was actually thinking of you since my dream involved you, just not that you might be looking for me, since I didn't hear my phone going off." A defeated breath escaped me. It was a complete accident, but I kn
ew that I had caused him to worry unnecessarily and that was my fault. I knew that I would have some making up to do.

  "I didn't know that. Last thing I knew, you'd run from the room — from me. I woke up this morning to a message, but then was unable to reach you all day. I was afraid something had happened since I don't know why you were still up hours after our time together. Apparently I hadn't given you everything you needed or you would've been too relaxed to stay up for hours after you ran out on me." While his voice wasn't as angry, it was still tight.

  "I will make it up to you, sir. I promise." I picked at my cuticles, not knowing how to placate him.

  "Damn right you will," he nearly yelled through the phone. "I have something of yours as well. I was going to give them back to you, but now I'm not so sure I should. I'm so easily forgotten."

  "My pearls. Sir, I want them back. I'll come to you right now. Anything, sir." I couldn't fight the rejected feeling that overcame me. Logical or not, I needed those pearls more than I needed my next breath. I might have more questions than I could write down for him, but I didn't want to lose the connection we had over something so stupid.

  "Meet me at the club. You have one hour." Master hung up the phone before I could respond.

  Jumping off the bed, I immediately stripped out of my clothes and pulled on a skimpy pair of panties and a bra before covering up with a trench coat. My favorite five-inch heels were slipped on before I stepped out of the house. There was no reason to get dressed. Master never saw me dressed and I didn't want to waste any time putting on clothes only to take them off when I got to the club.

  As I drove to the club, I pulled out my hair tie and fluffed my hair. I still had on the leather collar from the night before. I had tucked the chain into the collar so it stayed out of the way but I hadn't removed it. Hopefully Master would be able to tell that I was still fully invested in our relationship, even though I had slipped up and not answered my phone. There were a lot of things I wasn't sure about, but I realized that even though I had entertained the idea of leaving Master because I didn't know his name or face, I couldn't do it.

  I didn't need to know his name or see his face to let him teach me how to be a stronger person — how to fight the constant internal battle that went on. The day hadn't been easy, but it certainly hadn't been as rough as it could've been, and I hadn't given in to the strong desire to masturbate. Hell, it had been days since I'd even had that temptation and that was something I could brush aside. It was too important.

  The amount of freedom I could gain from finally conquering my demons would extend to every part of my life. I had once had that freedom, or I thought I had. The life I lived after rehab wasn't life. I lived in constant fear that something would set me back. Even trying to avoid it with every blink of my eye, I still tripped and fell back in to old habits.

  The control that I was gaining from being under Master’s careful, knowledgeable hand showed me that I never really had defeated it before. I'd simply put it in a box that would spring open again whether I wanted it to or not. Master was showing me that I could leave it there in the open, acknowledge it and continue on without letting it take over my life. I still had a long way to go and I wasn't ready to lose the man who had created the unusual, but successful path in my brain.

  After spending hours trying to clear the murky water in my brain about Master’s and my situation, I had made very little progress. This one falter cleared the water so quickly it was staggering. I needed Master and I would do anything to make him see that.

  When I arrived at the club, I knew I wasn't looking my best. The only make-up I had on was what was left from the night before and a day of cleaning. As I walked through the parking lot, I realized I should have showered since I probably didn't smell the best. Oh well, too late. I ran my fingers through my hair taking care of a few knots. The man at the door, let me in without a word. I handed over my purse to the woman inside and strode down the hall, determination radiating off me. Each step brought me that much closer to a pivotal moment.

  With the final steps to the dressing room, I unbuttoned my jacket. As soon as the door was open, I dropped my jacket onto the chair and was kneeling on the floor before it could click closed behind me.

  "Hmm. Didn't waste any time, did you?" Master's voice came from across the room. There was a current of pleasure in his tone.

  "No, sir. I got here as fast as I could." I kept my eyes locked on the ground even though I knew I could easily look up and finally get that glimpse of his face I craved. That wasn't how I wanted it though. I wanted him to want me to know more about him. The black silk cloth was draped in front of my eyes as a pair of bare feet stepped into my sight. The view had my back straightening. It wasn't what I was used to. He always had shoes on. I couldn't help but admire the well-groomed manly feet and the jeans that brushed the ground.

  Before he could say anything or wrap the silk around my head, I bowed and brought my lips to the top of each foot. It was the first way to show him I was grateful for him giving me the opportunity to make up for my idiocy.

  "Stop," Master barked. "You are never to kiss my feet. That's a slave thing and I don't want a slave. I want a woman who can stand next to me while submitting to my desires."

  "I have made an error and I want to apologize, sir," I murmured. "I just want to make you happy."

  "I have shown you how to make me happy. I might not be all that happy at this exact moment, but you are never below me in such a way that you bow to me like that again. You submit to me because you choose to. You give the control of our time together to me. You are worth more than that. Those lips are too perfect to be touching dirty things that touch the ground."

  As he spoke, he wrapped the blindfold around my eyes. Once it was tied, he buried his hand in my hair, tugging my head back before his lips came forcefully down on mine. His tongue plunged into my mouth to touch and taste. Yanking his mouth away moments later, his forehead pressed to mine. Our breath mixing as his bare chest brushed against the material of my bra.

  "Don't ever ignore your phone again." His grip in my hair tightened and his other arm wrapped around my waist. The tightening of his arm brought me firmly chest to chest with him. He had gotten to his knees in front of me, it was the only way he could possibly be touching me the way he was. Tilting my head to the side, he left open-mouthed, wet kisses along the column of my neck as he continued to hold me close.

  "I won't, sir," I said as he sucked and licked at the sensitive skin where my neck met my shoulder.

  After a few more kisses, he rested his cheek against mine. The rough stubble across his cheek scraped my face. "I shouldn't tell you this, but I was so God-damn worried you had decided you were done with me."

  "Master? Why would you think that?" I didn't know what would make him jump to that conclusion since I'd sent him a message to apologize for running out on him before heading to bed.

  "I...just did. After the way you left last night, and then not hearing from you all day. My mind went wild trying to figure out what had happened," he released a shaky breath, holding me closer.

  I didn't fully understand why he was reacting the way he was. I understood that I had been wrong for not answering all day, but his reaction seemed a bit extreme. Then again, nothing was even remotely normal in our relationship, if it could even be called that.

  "Let me make it up to you, Master." It was all I could do. This side of Master, while touching, was freaking me out. I was used to the untouchable, all-knowing version and I wanted it back. That was the man I needed and I would do whatever I had to in order to get him back.

  Chapter 20

  John

  To say that I freaked out when I didn't hear from Alix for almost twenty-four hours would be an understatement. I drove past her house multiple times, was even late to meet clients because I needed to see if I could get a glimpse of her. I hadn’t even seen curtains moving as she walked past. It was much easier to see where she was at night, and as soon as I was do
ne with clients for the day I was back to her house.

  My brain was throwing together every possible scenario, and the one that stuck together the best was that she had decided that she was done with me because she didn't know enough about me. It took me a long time to convince myself that ringing her doorbell and announcing who I was wasn't the right way to reveal my identity. It would only make the situation worse.

  When she finally texted, I was in such a whirlwind of emotions, anger was the first to come out. Then when I saw her strip so quickly and kneel in our room at the club, relief had flooded me and I nearly broke down. Kneeling in front of her with my arms wrapped around her, I tried to rebuild some of my composure before I revealed too much of myself to her. I knew it looked like I was overreacting. All day I had been dealing with the idea that the woman I cared for more than anything in my life possibly no longer wanted anything to do with me. Alix had come to mean more to me than simply the woman I needed to know everything about and protect, she had become the woman who could break me.

  Having her kiss my feet had been the final straw. No woman should feel like she needed to kiss the feet of her master, like she worshiped the ground he walked on. While I thought of Alix as my submissive, she had more control over me than I did her. She was beauty personified and I was no where near worthy of her worship.

  I had to tell her who I was. I had to try to find a logical way to get through the crazy web of deceit I'd created around us.

  First though, I had to ensure she and I were all right. Everything had to be perfect before I dared to reveal a secret that was going to be hard enough to get through as it was. Pulling back from her, I released her hair and body from my grip. The loss of warmth was disappointing, but I had to get my head where it needed to be so I could give her what she needed while centering myself at the same time.

  "Stand." I lifted her chin with a finger. She obeyed showing me the delicious scraps of material covering my favorite parts of her body. "Strip." I dropped my hand and stepped back so I could fully appreciate her skin as it was revealed. "I hope you are ready."