“I held your hand because I wanted to comfort you. I wish I could take it all from you.”
“It’s who I am,” I say, my tone brimming with bitterness.
She shakes her head and holds my hand to her chest. Her eyes have a look of urgency. “No. It’s not who you are. What they did to you is wrong. It’s a reflection of the vulgar monsters that they are.” She sucks in a breath and I watch her trying to calm down. Softer she says, “It’s not who you are.”
Holding my hand in her left, she traces over the hard planes of my palm. I don’t get blisters anymore.
“You’re so much more, Jack,” she whispers. “You’re strong and unbreakable. You pour yourself into nature, creating something beautiful with your two hands. You’re a fighter, a survivor, and there is nothing on this planet that can take that from you.”
Her movements are tentative as she lets go of my hand. She closes the distance between us and my body goes on high alert as she wraps her arms around my waist. She presses her cheek to my chest, and then just holds me.
I close my eyes because it actually feels good. She’s not ripping my clothes off. She’s not demanding I fuck her.
She’s hugging me.
My arms feel heavy as I lift them, and for the first time since my mother died, I hold someone because I want to and not because I was told to.
Chapter 12
River
I wake up with a start and stare into the darkness. I hear a muffled roar, which has me throwing the covers back. I run out of my room and down the passage. One of the doors open and a heads pop out to see what’s going on.
“Get back to bed,” I snap.
I open Jack’s door, slip inside, and shut it behind myself. I switch on the light and then rush over to his bed.
The sheet is twisted around his legs. Sweat is beading on his forehead. His chest rises and falls from the harsh breaths exploding over his parted lips.
I lean over him and touching his shoulder, I shake him a little. “Jack, wake up.”
His face contorts with rage a growl escapes from deep inside of him.
I sit down and grabbing him by both his shoulders, I shake him hard. “Jack! Wake up.”
His body jerks and then he darts up. Our bodies collide hard and I lose my breath from the impact. His shoulder slams into my nose, making black spots dance across my vision. White hot pain stabs into my skull.
Before I can get up, his arms lock me to him. His grip is painful, making a whimper burst over my lips. He buries his face in my neck, his hot breaths rushing over my skin.
I sit frozen, as the shock slowly fades. Only then do I feel the warmth of my blood trickling from my nose.
“Jack,” I whisper hoarsely, not sure what I should do.
To my relief he pulls back. I quickly bring a hand to my nose to stop the blood from dripping on him and the bed. I get up and rush to the toilet across the hall from his room. Grabbing a fist full of toilet paper, I shove it against my nose.
I’m just about to reach for more toilet paper, when Jack comes in. He closes the door behind him, and then wets the towel in the basin.
I watch him with watering eyes as he comes to stand in front of me. All the rage is gone from his face.
He watches me carefully as he takes hold of my hand, pulling it away from my bloody nose. He presses the cloth to my face, slipping his other hand behind my neck.
“Lean your head back,” he whispers.
I do as he says, leaning my head back to rest against his hand. We stand in silence for a few minutes, until the bleeding stops. He rinses the towel and then goes about wiping all traces of blood away.
I’m highly aware of forearm that’s resting on my shoulder. My body is drawn to his, wanting to be closer. The fact that he’s only wearing sleeping pants, doesn’t help at all. My eyes keep wanting to go to his bare chest. The thought is a distressing one but I can’t make myself move away.
When he’s satisfied, he takes a step away from me. “I’m sorry for hurting you, River.”
“I should’ve been more careful,” I say. I rinse my hand and then take the towel from him and throw it in the basket. Taking hold of his hand, I pull him back to his room.
I don’t want him to feel bad about what happened.
“You had a nightmare. I shouldn’t have sat that close to you.”
As soon as we’re in his room, I let go of his hand with the intention of saying goodnight and going back to my room. That all goes up in smoke as he closes the door behind him.
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t a dream, River.”
Fearing what he’ll tell me, I ask anyway, “What was it?”
With his right hand, he wipes tiredly over his face. “I keep seeing her. She’s engulfed in flames and I can never get to her.”
“Who?” I take a step closer to him.
“My mother.” He looks down at his hands. “The burns marks faded over the years, but I can still feel them.”
“Burns?” The word burst from me.
“They burn all the bodies. I tried to pull her out and burned my hands.”
A shockwave shudders through my body as I finally start to piece it all together. “They made you watch as they burned your mother’s body.” It’s not a question.
His eyes find mine, alive with pain.
“I saw you,” he whispers. He shakes his head, looking unsettled as he says, “This time they were burning you.”
For the life of me I don’t know why he dreamed that. It’s not like he actually cares about me.
“Maybe you saw me because I brought you here?”
He takes a step closer to me and makes my heart beat quicken.
“Besides my mother, you’re the only person who has looked past my exterior. You see me, the man, the fighter.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I whisper, “You need to get some sleep.”
As I walk by him, his hand darts out, taking hold of mine.
I freeze on the spot, totally thrown by everything that’s happened tonight.
“Stay,” he whispers. The single word causes a fluttering in my stomach which I try to suppress immediately.
He lets go of my hand, my skin tingling where his touch was just a second ago. When he switches the light off, I swallow hard on the nervous feeling that bubbling up my throat.
I can feel him move towards me. As he comes to stand in front of me, I hold my breath, not sure what to expect.
He takes my hand, and as he sits down on the bed, he pulls me forward.
I move forward until my legs press against the bed. When he lies back, I sit down and slowly lie down next to him. I do my best to keep our bodies from touching. Just because he needs comfort, it doesn’t mean I can touch him.
Jack turns on his side, facing me. He takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine. This time it’s feeling Jack’s hand in mine, that keeps me awake.
I feel like a zombie. I haven’t slept much in the past week. Jack keeps having nightmares, and only when I crawl into bed next to him, does he settle.
I can’t go another night with no sleep. I stop by Jack’s room on the way to mine, and knock softly.
He opens the door and for the sixth night in a row, I stare at his bare chest. It’s getting harder and harder to control these unwanted feelings he keeps stirring inside of me.
I force my eyes to his face, and quickly ramble, “My bed is bigger. I need sleep or I’ll just shrivel up and die. I was thinking you should just come sleep in my room. I don’t mind sharing. After all, we’ll just be sleeping.”
When he doesn’t respond, I’m forced to make eye contact. That’s getting harder and harder to do as well. I’m scared he’ll see something in my eyes, and that it might ruin all the progress I’ve made.
I clear my throat and then add, “Only if you want to.”
The corner of his mouth jumps, as if he was about to smile. That’s when I realize, I’ve never seen Jack smile.
“I’m not going
to tell you what to do, Jack. If you want to sleep here then get sleep in your bed. If you want to sleep in my bed until you’re more settled, then you’re welcome. I just thought it would be better for both of us.”
I walk to my room and I have to force myself to not look behind me to see if he’s coming.
I leave my door open, grab my shorts and t-shirt I always sleep in, and go to the bathroom. When I’m done bathing and dressed, stand in front of the door. Suddenly, I feel very nervous. I’ve never felt this way around anyone before. My palms feel sweaty and my heartbeat skips here and there. My stomach is all in knots.
I need to find a way to get rid of these feelings. It won’t be good for either of us. It will ruin things.
I take a deep breath and when I open the door, my eyes dart to bed. There’s a stab of disappointment when I see that it’s empty.
I go to switch the light off and close the door.
Deep in thought, I walk back to the bed. Growing angry with myself for feeling upset that Jack doesn’t want to sleep here, I throw the covers back. I need to get over whatever this is.
I’m just about to sit down, when something moves over by the window. A shadow moves forward, scaring the hell out of me. I shriek and stumble backwards. When I realize that the shadow is Jack, it’s too late, and I fall flat on my ass.
He’s next to me before I can get up. Embarrassment floods me for scaring so easily.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Not trusting my voice, I nod.
His arms slip under me, and my eyes widen. “Oh-” He picks me up as if I weigh nothing. “Shit.” My mouth is inches from his jaw. “Uhm…” I don’t know what to do with my hands, and being held against his chest is not helping my problem at all.
“I’m good. I’m fine. You can put me down. I’m okay,” I ramble, wiggling out of his arms. “Totally fine. Thanks. Ahh-” I scurry across the bed and quickly crawl under the cover. “We should sleep. Good night.”
As soon as my body slams down on the mattress, I freeze. My eyes are wide open, and my breaths racing as if I just ran a marathon. It feels like my heart is about to claw its way through my rib cage.
What the hell was that? I’m losing my mind.
I feel the bed move under his weight and quickly shut my eyes.
I listen to every breath he takes until I finally fall asleep.
Chapter 12
Jack
Over the weeks I’ve fallen into a routine of some sorts. Every day I have brunch with Miss Ella and Sophia. I keep busy outside until it’s time for dinner, which I have with River. I don’t talk to the others. I don’t feel comfortable around any of them.
Sometimes I’ll run into Adam and he’ll ask me how I’m doing, but other than that we don’t talk. I’m glad everyone is leaving me alone.
There are times my past digs its claws into me, dragging me down into a pit of anger and disgust. But those times are getting easier to handle. Some days, I catch a glimpse of what happiness is like.
I’m busy shoveling my second wheelbarrow of manure, when Christopher and Maddie walk toward the barn. I’m slowly learning everyone’s names.
They were the first people I saw kissing. I’ve seen a lot in my life, but never people kissing.
“Jack?” My eyes dart to where Tristan is standing. He points behind him. “Do you have a second? The girls need some help carrying the fruit to the house. Would you mind helping them? I would, but I need to check on Diane. She’s come down with the flu.”
“Sure.” I leave the wheelbarrow filled with half a load of manure, and go to the piece of farmland they use to grow the fruits.
The women are all standing around a baskets filled with all kinds of fruits.
One of the women breaks away from the group and walks toward me. My body instantly tenses and my defenses go up.
“Well, well. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” she purrs and it makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. She stops in front of me and let her eyes travel over the length of my body.
Anger starts to burn through my veins, and I fist my hands so I don’t do anything stupid.
“Aren’t you tired of River? You’re welcome in my bed any day.”
I stop and stare down at her. “It’s summer. Why would you need a warm bed?” When I don’t respond, she takes a step closer. She runs her tongue over her lips. “I was thinking we could have some fun.”
It happens fast. The one second she’s reaching out to me and the next my hand is closing around her throat.
My body starts to shake and my fingers tighten around her neck.
Screams pierce through the wall of rage cloaking me, and I let her drop to the ground.
“Don’t ever touch me,” I hiss, before I walk away.
When I finally stop walking, I find myself standing knee deep in water. My breaths are racing over my lips. My heart is pounding out of my chest. It feels as if I’m suffocating.
I don’t know what time it is. I keep staring at the water as the light fades around me until it’s dark.
“Jack,” River whispers from behind me.
I rub my hands over my face and then lock them behind my neck. I want to scream until there’s nothing left of me.
“I had Kyle escort Beverly off the property. She’s gone.”
I turn around and let my arms drop to my sides.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
I walk out of the water and sit down on the stretch of sand.
When River sits down next to me, I look at her and ask, “Why the fuck do people think they can just take what they want?”
“Some people are selfish and arrogant.” She shrugs and then says, “You’re a very handsome man, Jack. Women will find you attractive. But it’s no reason for someone to touch you without your permission.”
“Being attractive is a fucking curse,” I growl.
“No, Jack.” River looks out over the water. “I find you attractive too, but I don’t force myself on you. Most people are like me. They’ll admire something beautiful from a distance.”
I’ve always hated what I see in the mirror. If I were born ugly, then maybe I would have been spared from becoming a sex slave. But, hearing that River finds me attractive, it makes me feel different about myself for the first time.
I’ve always separated myself from my body. I consisted of a promise, anger, disgust, shame – but never something that could be touched.
I stare at her until she meets my eyes. I watch as they dance over my face and I know she sees all of me. I’m not just a body to her.
I want her to touch me. The thought is a sobering one.
“I’ve been watching Christopher and Maddie,” I admit.
“Yeah?” My eyes drop to her mouth. “I’ve been watching them kiss. I’ve done everything but kiss someone,” I scoff cynically.
River stands up and nervously shoves her hands in her pockets.
“People kiss if they really like each other. Christopher and Maddie have been together for a while now.”
“Have you kissed someone before?” I get up, too, moving closer to her.
“No … I mean … yes.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes darting everywhere. She’s been doing that a lot lately. “I kissed that stable boy once. I didn’t like it and you know the rest.”
I take another step closer to her and her eyes dart up at me. I know she’s attracted to me. I can feel it. I can see it in her nervous movements.
The difference is that she’s trying hard to hide it from me, instead of just taking what she wants, and that makes me want her. For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to desire someone.
Kissing is the one thing no one has taken from me. I control who I kiss. I start to lean forward but River’s hand pushes against my chest, and she steps back.
“What are you doing?” Normally, people look at me with lust and greed. River’s eyes are wide with shock. She’s the opposite of every single person I’ve met in my
life.
“I want to kiss you,” I say honestly.
“Me?” she sputters and takes another step back. “You don’t want to kiss me, Jack. Wait until you meet a girl who makes your heart beat faster. When you find that girl it will be worth the wait.”
A smile pulls at my lips and I watch her eyes drop to my mouth.
I’ll wait, but in the end it will still be River. She makes me feel something other than my need for revenge. She makes me feel alive.
Chapter 14
River
I’m glad Jack didn’t turn back into himself after the episode with Beverly. I had Kyle blindfold her, and take her a few towns over, before he made sure she got on a bus. Most of the slaves are blindfolded or out cold when they come here, so that no one can find us if they choose to leave.
I’m still a little in shock that Jack wanted to kiss me. My heart is upset that I stopped him, while my mind tells me I did the right thing.
His smile haunts me. When I close my eyes, it’s all I see. I was so stunned when he smiled. It transformed his normally harsh features into a breathtaking sight. I’m totally screwed. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions, but when it comes to Jack, they’re all over the place.
Jack and Sophia have been with us for three months. They’re adjusting so much better than I could ever have hoped for.
We’ve been sharing a bed for almost a month, and every night it gets harder to pretend that I don’t feel something more than friendship for him. It might be my overactive imagination, but it feels as if things have slowly been changing between us.
Just like all the other nights, I listen to his breathing.
“Can I ask you something?” he suddenly asks.
“Sure,” I whisper, turning onto my back.
“You said that you like to watch, that it turns you on. Was that the truth?”
I’m surprised that he even remembers what I said that night. “Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering.”
“It’s just a cover I use for the parties so I can get in. They think I have a collection of slaves that I play with, like someone might play with their dolls. It’s the only thing I could think of so it wouldn’t be expected of me to have sex with slaves.”
Dirty (A Damaged Romance Duet Book 1) Page 9
