Once Burned, Twice Spy

by Diane Henders

I stuck my arm out the window and waved, and Hellhound altered course toward me. Kane sprang to the fallen man, crouching to check his throat for a pulse. A few moments later Hellhound wrenched open the passenger door and dove inside. Kane fled for the half-ton.

  I backed out of the parking spot, using all my self-control to maintain a sedate pace while I idled toward the exit. In my rear-view mirror, I spotted Kane vaulting into the passenger seat of his truck. Then the half-ton was on the move, too, winding at a leisurely pace through the parking lot toward a different exit.

  The huddled heap on the sidewalk looked very alone. My heart clenched and I fought the urge to turn back.

  Waiting at the red light, I glanced in my mirror again in time to see another figure pelt up the walkway to slide to its knees beside the fallen man. After a brief examination the second man stood, head flung up as though scanning the crowded parking lot. A moment later his shoulders slumped and his hand went to his ear. Calling in their failure.

  Poor bastards. Holt was going to be livid.

  “Who the hell was chasin’ me?” Hellhound demanded.

  I sighed. “One of the good guys.”

  “Shit. Think he’s okay?” Hellhound inquired anxiously, craning his neck to peer in the rear-view mirror as well.

  “Yeah. Kane checked him, and so did the second guy. They didn’t start CPR or anything so he’s probably fine.” I let out a shaky breath. “I’m glad you’re all right.”

  “Glad you are, too.” Hellhound leaned over to drop a kiss on my lips. “Hey, darlin’, nice disguise. I always wanted to get it on with a babe in a babushka.”

  The light turned green and I laughed as I drove forward, relaxing into the comfort of our companionship. “You’ve always wanted to get it on with every woman you’ve ever seen.”

  He feigned deep thought, his eyes twinkling. “Nah, not all of ’em.”

  I gave a start of mock surprise. “What? You mean there’s actually something that turns you off?”

  “Jeez, darlin’, you’re killin’ me here. I got discriminatin’ taste, ya know.”

  “In your mouth, maybe. In women, not so much.”

  He drew himself up, grinning. “I’ll have ya know I turned down a chick just last week.”

  “Seriously? Why? Was it a guy in drag?”

  “Nah, an actual chick.” He hesitated. “’Least, far’s I know. Didn’t get far enough with her to be positive.”

  “Do tell. What turned you off? I thought ‘female’, ‘human’, and ‘over twenty-one’ were your only criteria.”

  He gave me a sheepish grin. “Well, ya got me there, darlin’. She was over twenty-one, but just. Think I’m gonna hafta raise my age limit. She had her tongue down my throat an’ her hand down my pants an’ everythin’ was goin’ great; an’ then she got a text from her BFF an’ stopped the whole show while they texted for five minutes. So I walked her to the door.” He shook his head. “Damn kids.”

  “That poor stupid child,” I said. “If she only knew what she’d missed, she’d be kicking herself ’til she was old and grey.”

  Hellhound snorted. “Doubt it. Saw her the next night wrapped around some other guy. She ain’t even gonna remember who she did last night, let alone last week.”

  “Well, you’re probably lucky she got the text, then, or you might have ended up with a gift that keeps on giving.”

  “Yeah…”

  When I glanced over, he was frowning.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “…But…?” I prompted.

  “Later, darlin’. Tell me what’s goin’ on. Kane said ya needed help, but he didn’t tell me ya were in shit with the good guys.”

  Guilt squeezed my chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to drag you into it, but Kane wouldn’t listen and he called you anyway.”

  “Good. I owe him one. So what’s up?”

  My mind racing, I hesitated.

  Could I protect him? So far he had only gone to meet a friend and then fled from an unidentified gunman. He hadn’t committed any crime unless he knowingly chose to help me.

  Which he would do without hesitation as soon as I explained everything, dammit.

  Could I keep him in the dark?

  I needed a plan. Stall.

  I sighed. “It’s complicated. I’ll tell you after you tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “Darlin’, I’m more worried about you. What’s happenin’?”

  “First tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “Nothin’ big. We can talk about it later.”

  “Now,” I insisted. “The sooner you give in and tell me, the sooner you’ll get to know what’s happening.”

  He groaned. “You’re too stubborn for your own good, darlin’.”

  I shot him my fiercest glare before returning my attention to the traffic. “You know it. So spit it out. When I made that crack about getting an STD you got all quiet. Is there something you need to tell me?”

  “Nah, ya don’t need to worry about that. You’re right, there’s somethin’ botherin’ me a bit. Now ain’t really the time, but… since ya won’t brief me ’til I give it up…” He hesitated and his hand crept over to rest on my thigh, whether giving comfort or seeking it, I wasn’t sure.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Well…” He hesitated again before continuing, “Life’s been pretty good since you an’ I made our deal. An’ ya know I said a while ago that I been feelin’ kinda guilty about pickin’ up chicks ’cause I don’t wanna take a chance on catchin’ somethin’ an’ passin’ it on to ya…”

  Another pause.

  Shit, I didn’t like the sound of this.

  He finished slowly, “This chick’s the only one I’ve brought home in over a year.”

  Sudden anxiety seized me, but I managed not to tense. “Well, at least you’re still trying,” I joked feebly.

  “Yeah…” he agreed in the same uncertain tone that had set off my alarm bells in the first place.

  My belly knotted as I glanced over at his troubled expression and recalled Kane’s words: I know how he feels about you.

  Oh God, no. Please don’t let this go where I think it’s going…

  “So, um… what…” I cleared my throat and tried again. “What’s bothering you?”

  “So last week I’m sittin’ there with this half-naked chick,” Hellhound began obliquely, “…an’ I’m hot an’ ready, ’cause, hello; half-naked chick, right?” He gave me a lascivious bounce of his eyebrows, but there was no twinkle in his eyes.

  I forced a laugh despite my worry. “Right.”

  A horn blared nearby and I jerked my attention back to the road, but I couldn’t help sneaking another glance over in time to see Hellhound sober.

  That was enough to make me want to stare out the windshield permanently. If he was getting serious about us…

  My throat felt as though demanding hands were slowly closing around it.

  Hellhound went on, “So I’m lookin’ at this hot young chick sittin’ there topless an’ textin’, an’ I’m thinkin’, ‘Ya know what, Helmand? This’s bullshit’. So I kicked her out. I been tellin’ myself it’s only ’cause she was more interested in her phone than me, an’ that was part of it, but… I dunno if that’s all of it.”

  “What…” My voice came out in a fearful whisper. “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m sayin’ I need to get laid real bad.” He chuckled, but it wasn’t his usual easy laughter.

  “And…?” I couldn’t look at him.

  “An’…” His hand tightened on my thigh. “Don’t freak out, darlin’, ’cause I been doin’ enough a’ that for both of us. But… as long’s we still got our deal, it kinda looks like… I’m off the one-night stands, at least for a little while.” He added hurriedly, “But only if we still got our deal; an’ nothin’ more than our deal. Not now, not ever.”

  My taut muscles relaxed and I squeezed his hand, my relief overflowing into a t
orrent of words meant to reassure myself as much as him. “We’ve still got our deal. No commitment, no lies. You do whatever makes you feel good, and so will I. I love what we’ve got and I don’t want to change a thing.”

  Still babbling uncontrollably, I made a face. “Good God, could you imagine us trying to be a couple? Even if we somehow got over our commitment phobias, we’d still drive each other nuts. I’m a morning person; you sleep half the day and stay out half the night. You love the bar scene; I hate crowds. You’re all music all the time; and mostly I just want silence. And we both need more personal space than any house could hold. We’d be a total disaster together. But we’re perfect the way we are.” I finally managed to shut up.

  The tension went out of him on a long breath, his face easing into a cautious smile. “Glad ya think so.”

  “I do.” I clutched his hand harder. “You scared the shit out of me. I was afraid you were going to tell me you wanted commitment.”

  Hellhound laughed, a real laugh this time. “Christ, bite your tongue, darlin’! Never gonna happen. I’m still freakin’ out a bit ’cause this’s the first time I ever felt like maybe I oughta think about somebody besides myself, but… I think I’m kinda okay with it. So far.” He chuckled. “It’ll prob’ly go straight out the window the next time some cute chick gives me a smile. But I wanted ya to know up front so ya didn’t find out later an’ get the wrong idea.”

  “Thanks, Arnie. I might have, but I’m okay now.”

  He smiled and lifted my hand to brush a whiskery kiss across my knuckles. “Then we’re good, darlin’. Now, tell me what kinda shit you’re in.”

  Dammit, I had been so caught up in our conversation that I hadn’t come up with any way to keep him ignorant and innocent.

  But I was only postponing the inevitable. Even if I didn’t brief him, Kane would.

  Shit.

  With a sinking feeling, I launched into as much of the sorry tale as I could tell without mentioning Sam by name or including any information about the brainwave-driven network.

  By the time I finished, Hellhound wore such a fearsome scowl that if I hadn’t known and trusted him I would have bailed out of the car in the middle of traffic without even braking.

  “So you’re tellin’ me…” He ground out the words like a gravel crusher. “…that your fuckin’ piss-poor excuse for a mother let some fuckin’ sicko…” His voice was rising. “…get into your head…” He stopped to suck in a hard breath, and I was pretty sure I could hear his teeth grinding. After a couple of slow inhalations, he finished in a deadly quiet voice. “…when ya were just a little innocent kid?”

  “It sounds that way, but I don’t know for sure yet.” I kept my gaze on the street.

  “THAT FUCKIN’ WHORIN’ CUNT!” Hellhound’s sudden bellow galvanized my already-tense muscles into a violent twitch, and he instantly gentled his tone. “Sorry, darlin’. Didn’t mean to scare ya. I’m just… so fuckin’ pissed off at her…” He drew another breath. “What the hell kinda sick bitch does that to her own kid?”

  “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” I equivocated. “There’s a lot of stuff I can’t tell you, and it would all make more sense if you knew the whole story. And, anyway, we don’t even know for sure if she’s my real mother.”

  “But ya think she is.”

  I sighed. “Probably… maybe… shit, I don’t know. She was pretty convincing. And the way she told it, she was trying to save me from something even worse.”

  “What the hell could be worse than rippin’ your heart out thinkin’ she died when ya were barely more than a kid, an’ runnin’ off with some asshole with never a fuckin’ word to ya for thirty fuckin’ years? An’ then showin’ up pretendin’ she loves ya? What the hell’s worse than that?”

  I shivered. “I’m afraid to find out.”

  Chapter 38

  Hellhound reached over to give my thigh a comforting squeeze. “It’ll be okay, darlin’. We’ll figure it out, you an’ me an’ Kane.”

  “And Skidmark,” I reminded him.

  Hellhound laughed. “That ol’ shithead. Him an’ Moonbeam an’ Karma bein’ agents; who’d ’a thought? I oughta slap the ol’ buzzard upside the head for gettin’ under my skin like he did at the commune.”

  I grinned. “It’s what he does best. And wait ’til you see him now, all cleaned up as Brenton Carlisle.”

  “Where’re we gonna meet them?”

  I nodded toward the bright lights and congested traffic ahead. “Chinook Centre parking lot. It’ll be a total madhouse, so nobody will pay any attention to us. It’ll be another hour before the mall closes, and even then the theatre will still be open so we can stay as long as we want without anybody looking twice.”

  “Sounds good.” He leaned back in the seat with a sigh and flexed his legs. “Shit, darlin’; guess I better rev up some runnin’ workouts. I’m outta shape again.”

  I ran an appreciative hand over his muscular thigh. “If that’s ‘out of shape’, I can’t imagine what ‘in shape’ would look like.”

  “I dunno. Every year I gotta work harder just to keep from losin’ ground.” He sighed again. “I’m starin’ down the big five-oh next month. Maybe I’m gettin’ too old for this.”

  I glanced at his troubled profile. “Are you thinking about quitting?”

  “Dunno. I never wanted to kill people for a livin’, but I did anyway for the last thirty-odd years. An’ now…” His fist clenched as his words slowed. “I’m afraid… maybe… I need to.”

  “What do you mean?” I made the turn into the mall parking lot and added, “Keep your eyes peeled for a parking spot somewhere in the southwest corner.” He nodded, and I went on, “Do you need the income? Or is it something else?”

  Hellhound tensed, averting his face as if fully absorbed in searching for the elusive parking spot. “Don’t really need any more money,” he said to the window. “I been investin’ since I was eighteen, an’ I’m gonna have a good pension from the Forces; plus I got my PI business an’ a bunch a’ music gigs. I could quit tomorrow if I wanted.”

  “But?” I probed gently.

  “But… I…” His voice dropped almost to a whisper. “I dunno… if I can stop. What if…” He glanced over for an instant with anguished eyes before turning to stare out the window again. “I said earlier that life’s been good lately, an’ it has. I feel… almost… normal, ya know? I got Hooker an’ Miz Lacey to look after; an’ I got you an’ Kane; an’ I don’t spend so much time worryin’ about losin’ control an’ hurtin’ somebody…” He drew a deep breath. “…but… what if I only feel that way ’cause I know there’s always gonna be somebody else that needs killin’, an’ I can let it out on my next job? What if I stop, an’ it builds up… an’… I can’t control it…”

  He fell silent with an audible swallow.

  My heart broke.

  Ignoring the cars around us, I braked to a halt and reached over to turn his face to me. “Arnie…” I caressed his cheek.

  What reassurance could I offer? Maybe he was right.

  “I honestly don’t think that would happen,” I began, groping for the right words. “I know you don’t like killing, and I don’t believe it’s a safety valve for you. But… if you found out you needed it… you could always go back.”

  His face twisted and he shrank away from my touch. “How can ya even say that? Like it’s a fuckin’ hobby, like… like… fuckin’ stamp collectin’ or somethin’? Aydan, I fuckin’ kill people!”

  “You said it yourself: You kill people who need killing,” I said gently. “We both have to do that, whether we like it or not.” I suddenly realized what was truly bothering him, and added, “If you needed to go back, it wouldn’t change the way I feel about you. John would understand, too.”

  “You’re wrong,” he said flatly. “If either of ya knew, really knew, what I am inside…” He trailed off without finishing the sentence.

  “Arnie.” I cupped his face with both hands, willing him to
see the truth in my eyes. “I know exactly what you are. I’ve seen The Killer, remember? And I’ve seen The Animal, too. It didn’t change a thing for me. Nothing will.”

  “It should.”

  I sighed. “Maybe if I was normal it would. But remember, we’re so good together because our fucked-up pieces fit, not because we’re all rainbows and unicorns inside.”

  Hellhound barked out a mirthless laugh. “Got that right.” He stared out the windshield for a moment, old ghosts haunting his gaze. Then he let out a long breath. “Okay, darlin’. I’m gonna believe ya for now, an’ hope like hell you’re right. But…” He gripped my hand, his gaze boring into mine. “Will ya keep your promise? That if I ever get outta control, you’ll shoot to kill?”

  “Yes,” I said, because I knew he needed to hear it.

  “Swear it?” His tormented gaze demanded the truth.

  I stiffened my shoulders against the pain in my heart and met his eyes squarely with a lie.

  “Yes.”

  But maybe it was the truth.

  I sent a fervent plea to all the gods that I’d never have to find out.

  Arnie squeezed his eyes shut and pressed my hand to his lips. “Thanks, darlin’.”

  The blare of a car horn catapulted me out of our private bubble. Amazingly, a car had backed out of a space directly in front of us. I turned in, leaving the irate driver behind me to continue his quest for a parking spot.

  I shifted into Park and leaned back in the seat, rolling my head in an attempt to ease my aching muscles. Hellhound reached over to massage my neck and I let my head fall forward with a moan.

  After a few minutes of gentle kneading, he spoke. “So, how ya doin’ with all this?”

  “So much better. Don’t stop,” I mumbled.

  He chuckled and kept massaging. “I meant, how ya doin’ with all the shit you’re dealin’ with right now?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You’re lyin’.”

  I sighed. “Yeah. I’m so terrified I can’t even think about it without needing to scream and run and throw up all at the same time. So I’m not thinking about it. I’m just focusing on the next thing I have to do.”