Spill Over

by Jolene Perry

  My body shakes once. The shadow of Mom’s death hangs, hovers, and threatens to take over. Shove it away, Antony. Push it down. A sobfest won’t help anything.

  “Sorry.” I jerk away, my heart racing. No way am I going to stand on some beach and cry while hugging a girl I barely know.

  “Don’t be sorry.” Her forehead’s wrinkled in something that looks like confusion. “You wrote this?”

  “This morning.” I nod, pressing my hands to my eyes one last time, pulling in a breath to contain the grief inside, in the cage that’s stronger by the day. I’m doing good. Eventually it’ll disappear. It has to. No one could live a whole life feeling as suffocated as I feel now.

  “This is amazing. You know that, right?” Her crystal blue eyes see way too far into me.

  “I haven’t read it,” I say. That seems like a safe enough answer. I know I have a good way of putting words together. I’m still slowing my heart.

  “Hmm.” She folds the case over. “Thanks for letting me read.”

  I don’t say anything, just keep walking next to her.

  “You’ll always miss her, but it won’t hurt so much, later.” She leans toward me slowly and bumps her shoulder softly against mine.

  I stare at my shoes in the sand and don’t answer. I’ve already let this girl in on way too much. I’m feeling too much, which means I’m hurting too much. Something’s gotta give, or I’m going to break apart.

  - - -

  Dad and I have scrambled eggs for dinner. I’m slowly learning there are only a few things he cooks well. He just doesn’t mind repetition. At all.

  He cleans our plates and sits across from me before I have a chance to get up. Dad sets a stack of mail between us on the table. “Antony, I know you don’t want to deal with this, but you’re almost eighteen, and there are some things that have to be taken care of.”

  “I don’t want…” I start to get up. Each letter is another reminder I’ve lost something I didn’t want to lose.

  “I know you don’t want to think about this yet, but you can’t put it off forever.”

  “Put what off? What on earth can’t wait?”

  “Your friends from the Today Show really want you on for an interview because they want to be able to bring to the forefront the issues in Darfur your mom was going to cover.” He runs a hand through his hair that’s still neatly trimmed.

  “No.” No way I’m doing that. How the hell am I supposed to hold myself together while talking about Mom and why she di… But even the word gets caught in my brain, unwilling to be heard, even by me.

  “There have been offers on the apartment and—”

  “And it’s not for sale,” I say, folding my arms. I’m doing my best not to look at the stack of envelopes—each one of those papers is simply another reminder of what I’ve lost. How I’ll never get it back and how I’ll never be the same.

  “That’s a lot of money every month.” He clasps his hands together over the table.

  “I have money. I’m not giving up the apartment.”

  “Fair enough.” He sighs. “I’ve sorted out the junk mail. This is what’s left. The letter from the attorney is there.”

  Each one of Dad’s words tightens my resolve. Nothing needs me right this moment. I need to make sure I can actually deal with it before I start.

  “I know what it says.” This is all pointless and is simply forcing us to talk about the one thing I don’t want to talk about.

  “What’s that?” Dad’s eyebrows rise, incredulous.

  “Mom was meticulous about her money and her will, Dad. I get everything.” I stand up, needing out. Needing air.

  “But…”

  “Later. I’ll do it later.” When everything stops feeling so fuzzy, and when I stop hurting so bad. Later. Right now, I need the dark quiet of my miniature room.

  Eight

  I push my legs up the hill to the coffee shop, not an easy feat before my first shot of caffeine for the day. I glance up just before grabbing the handle to see Amber standing next to Kent. He’s smiling and looking down. She’s smiling down and looking up and then he leans down and kisses her cheek.

  My brain starts to swirl around in the same ridiculous emotional mess that my chest and gut are in. I want to puke. Really, I should have known that was coming, and it shouldn’t hurt like it does.

  “What can I get you?” The guy behind the counter asks.

  “Chai Tea Latte and a Cappuccino.” It rolls right off my tongue.

  “Yeah, no problem.” He picks up two cups. “Chai Tea…”

  Chai Tea…Mom’s drink. My heart hammers, making me dizzy. “Just the Cappuccino.”

  I ordered for Mom.

  It hits me hard. What a stupid thing to make me feel like this—like I’m drowning waiting for a coffee.

  “Have a seat. I’ll bring it out in a sec.”

  I stand by the window, afraid to sit, but not wanting to leave without my drink. My sanity is shaken. As soon as the cup hits my hand I’m out the door. No tip, no look, no thanks. Just out.

  As I breathe in, the air burns. Did I forget to breathe before? It’s like my chest is too small, too tight. It’s the little things that are going to get me in the end. The re-play of her coffin being lowered now finds a place in my head. My body starts shaking with anger. Like if there was something to hit or kick or anything…

  I walk fast, forcing one leg out in front of the other, determined to keep moving until the out-of-control pictures running through my head go away.

  “Antony! Wait!” Amber calls.

  I don’t know if this is good or bad, but it’s definitely distracting. My feet stop moving. Guess I’m waiting for her. Maybe I’m looking for a different kind of torture—one where her kissing another guy hurts me in a way it shouldn’t. But it’s still not enough to distract me from the real pain. One damn order of Mom’s coffee, and I’m about to lose it again.

  “Hey, what’s up?” She smiles wide as she catches up.

  “Bad day.” I shake my head and start walking again. Her smile definitely isn’t helping, because her smile is for everyone. Or, at the very least, divided. Maybe now’s when I need to admit I like her more than I should. But shit, I barely know the girl really. I should focus more on that.

  Her brow comes down and her face is laced with all Amber sweetness.

  What am I supposed to say now? “How’s Kent?” I’m stupid.

  “I still don’t know how I feel about him. But I don’t want to talk about that, I’m worri—”

  “Then that should be your first clue,” I snap. I don’t mean for it sound angry, but it kind of does.

  She doesn’t move, but the distance between us expands to miles. “That, what?”

  I stop and turn toward her, pissed at the world and ready to state the obvious. “Don’t mess with him like that. Don’t let him kiss you unless you really want him to. Otherwise you’re just screwing with his head.”

  She steps back, her small brows pulled together. “But I don’t mean to mess with his head.”

  “Yeah…well…” I raise both arms in the air. “Then don’t let him kiss you.” I turn and continue down the hill to the harbor.

  “I didn’t mean to!”

  Didn’t mean to. Right. I’ve used that one before, and I was lying. Just like she is now. “That’s ridiculous! You either mean to and do it, or you don’t do it!”

  She grabs my arm. “What’s with you?”

  “I ordered a fucking coffee for my mom, and I have no idea why!” I jerk my arm back and this time she lets me go.

  - - -

  I’m slumped on the back of Dad’s boat. Damn coffee in hand, and the masochistic side of me almost wishes I was drinking the coffee Mom always drank. The smell, the sweetness of it. My phone buzzes in my pocket.

  DAVID: LIKE IT OR NO
T, I’M COMING FOR 2 DYS TO HANG W U. SEE U IN A WEEK.

  I nearly spit out my coffee. Now what? I start typing.

  SEE U THEN.

  It’s the only thing I can say without coming off as an asshole. I have no idea how I feel about David coming to town. He’s a good friend. Maybe it’ll be nice to have him here. Maybe. Mostly I just want… Actually, I have no idea what the hell I want aside from my life to be what it was before Mom sent me here.

  My phone buzzes again, and I’m trying to think of something clever to say to David, but it’s not from David. It’s from Amber.

  AMBER: SORRY. CAN I COME BY LATER?

  Am I a glutton for punishment here? I want her to come over.

  ANYTIME

  Now I sound desperate.

  “Hey.” Her voice shoots me to sitting.

  “Hey.” I hold up my phone. “Did you wait for my text, or did you think it would be funny to pop in?”

  “I hoped you’d say I could come.” Her blue eyes are open wide, throwing the full force of their power on me.

  I gesture with my hand. “Come on up.”

  She’s in her tiny running shorts. I’d be freezing in this misty, rainy, weather, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. She sits across from me at the round table on the back deck of the boat.

  “Wha’cha up to?” she asks.

  “Was texting a crazy girl who was standing a few feet from me,” I tease. It feels good to have her here—the girl that’s making me slowly insane.

  “I didn’t want you to be mad.” Her brows come down and her mouth pulls into a small frown.

  I rub my hand over my head and let out a breath. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “You don’t have to keep cutting me slack cause of…” Mom.

  “You’re right. And I should just make up my mind already, right?” It looks like she’s trying hard to smile, but failing miserably.

  “I’m not talking about this with you,” I say. Not about Amber with boys. Ever. At all. She’s too cool for me to think about her with someone else. Wait. Else. Like she should be with me. Yeah—Amber probably needs someone a lot different than me. And she’s definitely not like any girl I’ve been with, so the whole attraction thing is still confusing the hell out of me.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not at all qualified to give you any advice.” I smirk.

  We sit in silence. Staring until her eyes find her lap.

  Amber speaks first. “Wanna get together tomorrow and do schoolwork? I get bored doing it by myself.”

  I almost, almost make some stupid comment about Kent, but keep it in. “Sure, that’d be nice.” Maybe a little like torture, since I have no idea what to make of this girl aside from me feeling more than I should, but it’s distraction. Right now any distraction is a good thing.

  “Cool.” She stands up. “See you.”

  Her long legs walk past me, and I swear my fingers twitch wanting to touch her. “Don’t wear shorts.”

  “What?” She chuckles as she turns to hold the railing to go down the stairs to the dock.

  “You have great legs. I need to study. Don’t wear shorts.” I use all my willpower to keep my face straight.

  She holds in a smile as her cheeks turn pink. “Okay.”

  I love making her blush.

  - - -

  For almost a week Amber and I get together to do homework. It just sort of happens. I see her as I walk up for coffee, and then we end up on Dad’s boat, our school stuff spread out, and work for a while. This is something I’d do with Trace. He and I took the same classes this year, so we could do half the work. I know without asking that Amber wouldn’t split the homework load.

  Some days we talk a little, and some days we barely talk at all. It’s so…off, being just friends with a girl like this, but she’s easy, so maybe it shouldn’t be weird.

  Amber’s concentrating on her ancient laptop today, but her brows keep moving closer together, and her mouth is starting to pull into a frown.

  “What’s up?” I ask.

  “Just looking for something that never seems to come.” She lets out a sigh.

  “Oh.” I open my mouth to press her further, but don’t. “You okay?”

  “I’m okay about almost everything.” Her eyes find mine over the top of my computer, and I swear she has tears ready to fall. “But not about this.”

  “Are you being mysterious on purpose?” I raise a brow, trying to keep the mood light.

  “I’m going to guess there are a few things you don’t like to talk about.” Her expression is unreadable, flat.

  “A few,” I agree. It’s just Amber always seems so light and happy. I have to admit I’m totally curious. Now I can have a purpose to being around her, aside from simply liking being around her. That feels way safer.

  “Well, this is one of mine.” She flips her laptop closed with too much force and runs her hand through her hair to keep it off her face.

  “Fair enough.” And I kind of like that there’s something I really want to know about her, even if it’s something she doesn’t want to tell me. Or maybe this is just how my relationship with her will go. Me wanting a little more than she’s willing to give.

  That’s a pretty damn sobering thought.

  - - -

  I step out of the coffee shop with Amber and Brit who joined us this morning.

  “Antony!” David calls.

  I freeze. When did he get here? And what kind of prick doesn’t text to give a guy maybe an hour warning?

  “Told ya’ I’d be comin’ for a few days!” He moves up the street toward us, looking every bit the part of a spoiled guy from New York. Three hundred dollar jeans, shoes that should never see the deck of a boat, and his favorite Prada jacket.

  I knew he was coming. And we even talked earlier this week. It just slipped my mind like I wish other things would.

  “Hey, man.” We slap one another on the shoulder. David and I don’t hug.

  “Good to see you on both legs. You were in rare form last time I saw you.” He laughs again.

  “Yes. Thank you.” He better hear my sarcasm, because that’s not something I need brought up in front of Amber.

  “Well, you had a good excuse, you know.” He slaps my shoulder again.

  Right. Let’s bring up Mom, too. My chest is tightening further every second David and I stand next to the girls.

  “Gonna introduce me?” His brows go up, and he uses a hand to slide over his light brown hair cause he thinks girls love his hair. Well, girls do love his hair, but mostly cause he spends more time on it than most girls would.

  “This is Amber, and her friend, Brit.” I watch David closely as he takes them in.

  “Nice to meet you.” He’s being overly polite. “Antony said we’re all going on some field trip thing or something tomorrow?”

  Right. I warned him it was something Amber had put together. My head just is not in it.

  “Yeah,” Amber answers. “It counts as home school credit because a professor’s coming with us.”

  “But he never stays with us for long, so we get lots of free time on the beaches.” Brit’s leaning forward, biting her lower lip and looking right up at David.

  It’s an open invitation that David is almost definitely going to take.

  “Why wait ‘til tomorrow?” He grins at her. “You two can come over tonight, if you like.”

  I throw my arm over his shoulders and start toward the boat before he does any more damage. “We got stuff to do,” I say.

  I glance over my shoulder and Amber’s face is completely unreadable. What is she thinking?

  “What was that?” David asks.

  “Just…nothing.” What else do I say right now?

  He chuckles. “The n
othing with blond hair and long legs?”

  I don’t even know how to answer.

  “Way too much work, Antony. Did you see the look on her face?”

  “Yeah, but she’s impossible to read.” I shake my head as I open the door down to the docks.

  “Not that hard. My guess is she thinks you’re hot, but won’t do anything. That’s my prediction.”

  “Prediction?” I slug him. “Whatever. How did you know where to come?”

  “You gave me the name of the boat. I’m not without skills.” He chuckles again. “Saw your dad. He’s cool. He said we can take the dinghy out today. The thing looks like a riot. And despite your pessimistic view of this place, I think it’s kinda cool.”

  “Great.” I let out a breath.

  David steps up on the back of the boat, like he’s here every day, and I follow. That was me. Is me. I’m the guy who can just jump into any situation and roll with it. And now I can’t. I have no idea what to do with that.

  Nine

  David and I walk together while the botanist from the university talks about plants. David makes eyes at Brit almost all day, and Kent spends as much time walking with Amber as possible.

  Once David and Brit start up the trail side-by-side, Kent’s job of being close to Amber gets a lot easier. As much as I want to be the guy next to her, I’m so not into fighting over a girl. Not happening.

  - - -

  The campfire is roaring and the light is dimming, but no one’s showing any signs of being ready to leave. The professor ditched us a while ago. David’s the center of attention, like usual. Well, David and his bottle of scotch. I crack open a soda and start to move toward the fire. After my last binge, I’m in no hurry to go back. Kent rests his arm over Amber’s shoulders, and I stop. I pretend to stare at the ocean, but I’m using all my powers of peripheral vision to see what’s going on between them.

  “Having fun?” Brit asks, standing in front of me. Her smile spreads wide across her face.

  “Uh…yeah.” I nod. Crap. It’s really hard to see out of the side of my eye when I’m distracted. I take a step to the side, so I can look over her shoulder at Amber.