Sydney Harbor Hospital – 06 – Bella's Wishlist

by Emily Forbes

  ‘Apparently she had postnatal depression after my birth but it was undiagnosed until after Lexi was born. She says she couldn’t cope with any of us, she found motherhood totally overwhelming.’

  Charlie breathed a sigh of relief. PND made perfect sense and it meant Miranda’s issues couldn’t be attributed to Bella. ‘There you go. It wasn’t your fault. Postnatal depression is not the baby’s fault. You are not responsible for your mother’s mental health issues.’

  But Bella continued as though he hadn’t spoken.

  ‘She said she felt guilty because I was sick. She started drinking after I was born. At first it was a gin and tonic when Dad got home from work, to keep him company, but then it became one late in the afternoon while she waited for him and then one after she’d picked Evie up from school. She said she tried to stop when she fell pregnant with Lexi but after a while she started again. She drank gin with lemon and soda, though, because of the side effects of tonic water.’ Bella laughed, but her laugh was devoid of humour. ‘Ironic, isn’t it? She gave up the soft drink because of the side effects but she couldn’t give up the alcohol. She would have been worried that Lexi was going to be born with CF too. I don’t think she would have cared if she’d suffered a miscarriage. I think that’s probably why she kept drinking. So, you see, it all started with me,’ she said as she slid another ice chip onto her tongue.

  Was Bella right? Had she been the catalyst? Maybe she had but he wasn’t about to agree with her.

  ‘Your mother needs to take ownership of her problems.’

  ‘I don’t blame myself for my mother’s addiction but I do blame myself for her abandonment.’

  ‘How can it be your fault? You were four when she left.’

  ‘There’s plenty more to the story. Are you sure you want to hear this?’ Bella paused and didn’t continue until Charlie nodded. He wasn’t certain he wanted to hear what she had to say but he knew he had no choice. ‘Apparently she fell pregnant again when Lexi was eighteen months old. The pregnancy was unplanned and she freaked out, worried she couldn’t cope with another baby, but especially worried about coping with another child with cystic fibrosis. Genetic testing for CF was very new but she was offered the test and she had it done. The test came back positive. She was going to have another child with CF. She terminated the pregnancy. She didn’t want to bring another CF baby into the world. Her depression got worse after that, she says it was the guilt. She couldn’t cope with life at all without alcohol to prop her up. And then she left. She abandoned us.’

  ‘But you weren’t the trigger for her abandonment.’ Charlie tried to get Bella to see reason. Tried and failed.

  ‘Don’t you see, if genetic testing had been available when she was pregnant with me, she would have aborted me. I know she would. But it was too late, she couldn’t get rid of me, so she left. I always thought I was the reason she left. Now I know I was right.’

  ‘But she wouldn’t have even known to be tested for CF with you. She wouldn’t have been expecting it.’

  ‘Either way, she wouldn’t have wanted me. Doesn’t want me. Everything started with me. It would have been better for everyone if I was never born.’

  Bella was normally so upbeat, so ridiculously positive despite everything she faced, that he found it quite disturbing to hear her being so negative. Was she depressed? He couldn’t blame her if she was, she was critically ill, but he couldn’t understand why she was so fixated on her mother. Surely she had more important things to worry about, like whether compatible lungs would be found in time to save her life. He wondered if he should speak to Sam about getting John Allen to assess Bella again but he’d hate to find that a potential transplant was cancelled because of Bella’s state of mind. He couldn’t instigate something that might put her in that situation. ‘How do you figure that?’ he asked.

  ‘Life would have been very different for Evie and Lexi if Mum hadn’t had me. She might never have got postnatal depression. She might never have left.’

  ‘That’s a lot of “mights”,’ he said. ‘She might have got it after Lexi anyway and from where I sit your mother clearly has a lot of issues. You can’t blame yourself.’

  ‘I’ve been waiting to die all my life. I never expected to live to an old age. Having my suspicions confirmed, knowing I wasn’t wanted, kind of makes it all seem so pointless.’

  ‘Hang on, your mother never actually said she didn’t want you, did she?’

  ‘She said motherhood was overwhelming.’

  ‘I don’t think she’s alone in that sentiment but it doesn’t mean she didn’t want you. It just means she couldn’t cope and unfortunately her depression wasn’t diagnosed early. It’s not your fault.’

  ‘I don’t care. I’m too tired to care. Lexi and Sam can get married in one week, I just want to last that long.’ She’d had enough. She wasn’t going to get the happy ending she’d always wanted. No one could give that to her. Not Sam, not her sisters, not her parents and not Charlie.

  Her mother would be relieved she didn’t have to visit hospitals any more, her father wouldn’t even notice she was gone. Her sisters would miss her but Lexi would settle down to her new life with Sam and Evie would be able to lead her own life once the burden of worrying about Bella had been lifted from her slim shoulders. And Charlie, well, Charlie would continue to live his life completely oblivious to the fact that Bella had been in love with him.

  She was tired of fighting and she was tired of wishing for things that weren’t going to happen.

  But Charlie was distraught. Bella had to fight. If she stopped fighting, if she gave up now, she’d be lost. He knew it was only willpower that would keep her going, keep her alive. Lexi’s wedding might be enough incentive to get through the next week, but then what? He had to find another reason for her to keep fighting.

  ‘What about your wishlist? What about us? You and I have unfinished business.’

  She smiled at him and his heart lifted as he caught a glimpse of the old Bella, the one who had a desire to go out and live her life. She shrugged her skinny shoulders. ‘It doesn’t matter any more. It’ll just be something else on my wishlist that isn’t done. It was a stupid list and a stupid idea. There’s only one thing I want now and that’s to see Lexi and Sam married. That’s my last wish. My dying wish.’

  CHAPTER NINE

  ‘BELLA, no! Please, you can’t give up. You have to find something worth fighting for.’

  ‘It’s my time, Charlie, I can feel it.’

  ‘But you’re not the type to give up. You just need to hold on for a little bit longer. You’ll get new lungs, you have to.’

  She gave the tiniest shake of her head. ‘I’m so tired.’ Her voice caught in her throat. ‘I’m tired of fighting to stay out of hospital, I’m tired of fighting to put on weight, I’m tired of taking a thousand tablets, I’m tired of fighting to breathe, I’m tired of wanting my parents to love me.’

  So that’s what this was all about. He should have known. Bella just wanted to be loved. She needed to be loved.

  ‘I know what it’s like to want to give up but you can’t, you have to keep fighting. Do it for the people who love you. Do it for Evie and Lexi.’

  A reflex almost made him say ‘Do it for me’ but he hesitated and Bella picked up on his hesitation.

  ‘Yes?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘What were you about to say?’ she asked.

  You’re a coward, Charlie Maxwell, his conscience told him, but he couldn’t talk about things he didn’t understand. He couldn’t tell her he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it because he wasn’t exactly sure what that meant and, if his words could be misconstrued, if he upset Bella, Evie would have him hung, drawn and quartered.

  He’d promised Evie he wouldn’t break Bella’s heart so he swallowed his words and delivered some different ones. Safer ones. ‘I was about to tell you a story.’

  ‘Go on.’

  He wasn’t sure if she was really interes
ted but he had one last chance to convince her to keep fighting. ‘I understand what you’re going through,’ he said. ‘I know what it feels like to want to give up but you’ve got to believe that this is not the end. You’ve got to believe things will get better. After I had my scooter accident in Bali I struggled to deal with it. I couldn’t see what the point in living was once I lost everything that was important to me. At the age of twenty-three I thought my world was over. For some time I wished I’d died in that accident. It ended my surfing career but it also took away the woman I loved.’

  He could tell from her expression that he’d shocked her. That was good. It meant she was listening. Maybe he’d get through to her after all.

  ‘Was she killed in the accident?’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘I’d fallen in love and fallen hard. We dreamt of travelling the world together, following the surfing tour, living in perpetual sunshine and good times. But after the accident it turned out that Pippa preferred the life of sunshine and good times to a life with me. She followed the tour and left me behind. I’d lost everything. I went home to lick my wounds, wallowing in my misery. Eventually Dad got sick of me and what he saw as my unhealthy, obsessive behaviour and convinced me to find a new interest. He talked me into going back to uni, back to medical school. He told me in no uncertain terms that I had to find a new obsession and a new way of making a living, just as he’d done. I didn’t dare argue. If Dad hadn’t given up after his accident, I couldn’t. I let him talk me into it and I’m glad I did. Initially it gave me something else to focus on but it soon became my passion. My family pulled me back to living and once I got to uni Evie’s friendship pulled me through that first year. It was tough but between my family and Evie I got back on track. Now it’s your turn to look to the future.’

  ‘But my family doesn’t need me.’

  ‘If you truly believe that then you need to find another reason to keep going. What about going to college? What about your dream?’

  ‘There’s no guarantee I’ll even be accepted. It all seems so pointless.’

  ‘Let me help you through this,’ he offered.

  But that wasn’t enough to convince her and why should it be? He wasn’t offering her what she wanted. He couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine his life without her in it but that wasn’t the same as being in love with her. It couldn’t be. People didn’t fall in love that quickly.

  Charlie turned and started another lap. He’d been swimming for close to an hour but his head had only just started to clear. When he’d left Bella last night he’d been upset and frustrated and he’d stopped at Pete’s Bar, where he’d had one too many beers in an attempt to escape the fact there was nothing he could do for Bella. He was paying the price this morning.

  He’d tried his best but it wasn’t enough. He hadn’t been able to get through to her, hadn’t known how to, so he’d tried to forget. She was looking for unconditional love. He couldn’t help her.

  When he eventually climbed out of the pool and towelled himself dry, he saw a message waiting for him on his phone. A message from Evie.

  His thoughts immediately turned to Bella. Had something happened?

  His hand shook. He didn’t want to read the message, he was terrified it would be bad news, but then his brain slowly kicked into gear and he realised she wouldn’t text with bad news. But his hand was still shaking as he pushed ‘open’.

  ‘We have lungs. Sam prepping Bella now.’

  Charlie started pulling on his clothes, not bothering to get properly dry, shoved his things into his bag and ran to his car. Evie had left the message a little over half an hour ago. Bella would be in Theatre now but he needed to be at the hospital. He wasn’t working today but he’d wait there. He might as well pace those corridors, it was better than being home alone.

  Bella was getting new lungs. It wasn’t over yet.

  Lexi and Richard were already in the family lounge attached to the cardiothoracic unit when Evie arrived.

  ‘Have I missed Sam?’ she asked. She hoped not, she had some urgent questions for him.

  Lexi shook her head. ‘He should be back soon.’

  Three heads swivelled expectantly as a fourth person entered the room. But this person was wearing two-inch heels, was dressed all in black and had platinum blonde hair.

  Evie froze. Miranda looked sober, but it was only early.

  Richard stepped forward, and for a brief moment Evie wondered if he was going to stop Miranda from coming any further, but then she realised he was positioning himself between her mother and her as if he expected Evie to react badly. He lifted a hand and ushered Miranda into the room, settling her in a chair. ‘Hello, Miranda.’ His voice was tender as he greeted his wife. As far as Evie knew, neither of her parents had ever contemplated a divorce and it was obvious Richard still cared for Miranda, making Evie wonder again why he hadn’t tried harder to help her. Perhaps he’d done all he could.

  Miranda sat, clutching her handbag on her lap, holding it in front of her like a protective shield, but it wasn’t enough to stop her hands from shaking. But Evie wasn’t going to criticise her today, her own hands were shaking too.

  Richard spoke to them all next. ‘Do you think we could all put our differences aside, just for today at least, and focus on getting through this day? Forget the past and look to the future, one, I hope, will include Bella.’ He looked at each of the women in turn but Evie felt his message was directed at her.

  Three heads nodded in reply as they all contemplated what this day might bring.

  Sam walked into the lounge and if he was surprised by how quiet everyone was, he didn’t show it. ‘All right, I’m just about to go and see Bella before we start. Is everyone okay here?’ he asked. ‘Any last-minute questions?’

  ‘Are you sure Bella is strong enough for the surgery? She’s not too sick, is she?’ Miranda asked, astounding Evie, who’d thought Miranda was too self-involved to even realise how sick Bella was. Had she misjudged her mother?

  ‘This is her best chance,’ Sam replied. ‘What’s making her so sick at present is the infection in her lungs. The transplant will get rid of that, along with her diseased lungs, and I expect she’ll feel better almost from the moment she comes out of the anaesthetic.’

  ‘Is Finn going to assist?’ Evie asked. That was her urgent question. She needed to know if Finn had kept his word.

  ‘No.’ Sam gave her a puzzled look.

  ‘Didn’t he speak to you?’

  Sam shook his head.

  ‘I asked him if he’d speak to you about assisting. I wanted you both to be there.’

  ‘I haven’t heard from him,’ Sam said, but he didn’t dismiss her query lightly. He put his hands on her shoulders and made her focus on him. ‘We don’t have time to organise it anyway. I don’t need Finn. Bella will be fine.’

  Evie knew Sam couldn’t guarantee that, she knew he was saying that because it was what they all needed to hear. At the moment she wasn’t a doctor, she was Bella’s sister. She too needed to believe that modern medicine could work miracles. And she knew miracles did happen. But she also knew they didn’t always happen when you wanted them to.

  But all she could do was wait and pray and hope Sam was right. But if anything went wrong, if anything happened to Bella, she was going to track Finn Kennedy down and flay him alive. She didn’t care if he was the Head of Surgery, all that meant was that if anything did go awry the buck stopped with him and she’d make sure he knew all about it.

  ‘What do you mean, you can’t take her off the ventilator?’

  After close to nine hours, Bella’s surgery was over. It had gone like clockwork, according to Sam, except for one thing.

  ‘Her new lungs are viable, they’re inflating perfectly, but Bella isn’t breathing independently. I’m positive it’s only a temporary measure but obviously we have to keep her breathing. She’s ventilated but we have her on the lowest oxygen setting so when she’s ready to breathe on her own, we’ll know. She’s s
edated now but we’ll wake her for short periods each day to assess her condition.’

  Charlie was stunned and judging by the expressions he could see around him the Lockheart family was just as bewildered. This wasn’t how the day was supposed to turn out. Bella’s life was supposed to be improving. She wasn’t supposed to be in ICU on a ventilator, and to make matters worse he knew he wouldn’t be able to see her today. It would be family only and even they would only be allowed in one at a time for a few minutes. He was just a family friend. He was a long way down the list.

  He didn’t want to be at the bottom of that list, he realised, but he couldn’t do anything about it at present. He would have to be patient.

  Evie visited Bella very briefly, staying just long enough to see for herself that everything was as Sam had said. Bella was fine, if you counted being ventilated fine, and at least her new lungs worked. As long as she didn’t reject them, everything would probably be okay. But probably wasn’t good enough for Evie. She was angry and upset and looking for someone to take her frustrations out on. She went looking for Finn. He was Head of Surgery, she’d asked him to help, and he’d been nowhere to be seen. He’d better have a very good reason for ignoring her. She could accept it if he’d said he wasn’t going to help but he’d told her he would talk to Sam if lungs became available. Yet, when the time had come, when it had mattered, he’d been nowhere to be found. In Evie’s opinion that wasn’t good enough. Not from any surgeon and especially not from the Head of Surgery.

  Finding out that Finn wasn’t in the hospital, had in fact not been seen all day, didn’t deter her. If the mountain wasn’t coming to Mohammed, she’d have to go to him.

  Her heart was racing in her chest as she knocked on his penthouse door. Visions of what had happened the last time she’d knocked on his door came flooding back. She felt a rush of heat to her cheeks as she remembered what had transpired between them then—raw, impulsive, take-no-prisoners sex. The best sex she’d ever had. She still wasn’t sure how that was possible. Wasn’t sex supposed to be better if there was an emotional connection? Wasn’t that why it was called making love? But there had certainly been no love between them. It had simply been sex, down and dirty, and incredible.