by Liz Durano
As I follow her through the living room, I can see how she’s made the place her own with pictures of Tyler and a few knick knacks on the shelves. I remember some of the pieces from the old house she and Drew shared and I’m glad she’s finally taken them out.
We head toward the back where the utility closet houses the solar power system with the AC and DC panels, converter, and the deep cycle batteries. Even though Alma will learn what to watch out for daily, I’ll probably have to come in here and check it once a month to make sure they’re all working correctly the way Todd and I do for the Pearl. Even though living off the grid can be cost-saving in some ways, it’s not as easy as it looks. There’s a lot to check and maintain, much like living on the grid, for that matter.
The moment I’m done explaining how the thing works and how to maintain it, I regret having gone over it so fast. How did twenty minutes go by so quickly?
“Any plans for the rest of the day?” Alma asks as we make our way back to the living room and she sets a restless Tyler on the floor. He’s not exactly walking independently yet but he’s getting there. The moment his little feet touch the floor, Tyler crawls toward the little cart, and pulling himself up, pushes it across the other side of the room again, the little bells ringing and buttons honking as he goes.
“Nah, not really.”
“Would you like to stay over for dinner?” As she pulls open the oven door, the smell of roast beef fills the room.
“I’d love to,” I say, stepping back just in time as Tyler zips past my feet. Seeing how happy he is as he zips around the wide space makes me glad I suggested they move to Taos. The Willow is twice as big as their old apartment, if not bigger by a few square feet—and quiet. “So how are you guys doing? Hope it’s not too quiet for you.”
“It could have been worse. I couldn’t have had Wi-Fi,” she says, laughing. “But you’re right about the silence. I can actually hear myself think for a change. But the sky and the stars are just unreal.”
“It’s one of the things I love about this place. Perfect for stargazing on clear nights,” I say as Tyler bumps his push toy against my leg. “Hold up, little speedster, or I’m going to need to issue you a ticket.”
Tyler laughs, thinking it’s funny and bumps against my leg again.
“Ba-ba!” he announces happily, almost falling backward but I catch him. He giggles when I lift him in my arms and for a few moments, carry him around the room as if he’s an airplane.
“He just loves this place, Sawyer,” Alms says when I hand him to her. “He gets to run around so much that he gets so tired that he falls asleep right away.”
“Hey, that’s like hitting two birds with one stone.”
“Exactly.” Alma sets Tyler in his portable play pen and heads to the kitchen where there’s a big empty bowl on the counter next a draining tray covered with salad greens.
“Are those from the indoor garden?”
She nods, taking a bunch of the greens and chopping them. “Yup, and the cucumbers are from Dax and Harlow’s garden. I’ve heard of farm to table but this is even better.”
“Glad to hear that.” As I watch her, I realize I can bask in her smile all day. I clear my throat. “Need any help?”
Alma starts shaking her head but stops, thinks for a moment and nods. “Sure. Why don’t you get the salad ready while I blanch the green beans.”
For the next half hour, we talk about the care and maintenance of her future dwarf macadamia nut tree. I like how relaxed she is and how freely she seems to move around the spacious kitchen. It’s almost as if Todd and I built the Willow just for her and Tyler.
As she sets Tyler in his high chair, I see a Jeep heading toward the Willow and I frown. What’s Todd doing here?
“Oh, good, he made it.” Alma grabs a plate and silverware from the cupboard. “I ran into Todd in town while I was getting a few more things for dinner. I hope you don’t mind if he joins us.”
“No, I don’t.” But actually, I do.
I watch him park his Jeep next to my truck and step out. Wearing his usual t-shirt and jeans, he’s the lean and laid-back version of me—only he’s blond after our mother. Before Todd moved out here, he lived in LA waiting tables and writing screenplays. When I got injured, he had just sold his first screenplay but he dropped everything to be with me whether it was in Germany where I had my first round of surgeries or at Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where the doctors did skin grafts from my back to my thigh where shrapnel ripped through the skin. He continued to write there as well, constantly typing on his laptop as I lay in bed, angry and in pain. He never left my side no matter what happened. Todd later told me that he was afraid that if the doctors ended up amputating my leg, I’d kill myself.
You were that fucked up, man.
After I was released from the hospital and months later, earned an honorable discharge from the Marines, I moved in with Todd in LA. I got to experience the life he led while I was at war, the parties, the drugs, the booze, the women. It was the perfect distraction from the demons that followed me from Afghanistan. But in the end, I couldn’t take the craziness of the city, the traffic, and the crowds. And when Fourth of July came around, I couldn’t handle the fireworks. For a man who knew more about guns than he cared to admit and missed the feel of recoil the moment I pulled the trigger, I couldn’t handle the fireworks. It brought me back to the war zone without actually putting me back there and I hated it.
When I settled in Taos, Todd visited to make sure I was okay (aka wasn’t about to kill myself) and he never left. Taos suited him in the end, gave him the silence he needed to write his screenplays and novels when he’s not building earthships with me.
As Alma opens the door to let Todd inside, jealousy hits me. Why does he have to be here?
“Hey, Alma. Thanks for the invite.” Todd hands her a bouquet of mixed flowers that makes my gift of a macadamia plant pathetic by comparison. Todd and I have never competed over women but I guess there’s a first time for everything. And I can’t blame him. Alma is beautiful and she’s single—and she’s got every right to date anyone she wants.
But I’ll be damned if it ends up being my brother.
“Hey, man, glad to see you here.” Todd slaps me on the shoulder before saying hello to Tyler who’s already got a dollop of mashed potatoes in his hair. I pull up a chair for Alma and we all sit down and within seconds, dinner has officially started, beginning with Todd asking Alma how she’s finding the Willow. He loves the whimsical quality of the sign she posted above the front door, the way she painted each letter with a different design, the polka dots for the W and the different patterns for the rest of them. As she smiles, her eyes sparkling, I do my best not to let my jealousy win but it’s not easy. Todd has always been the outgoing brother and me, the moody wounded Marine.
Todd passes the salad bowl. Alma hands me the homemade poppy seed dressing. Tyler is picking up bits of mashed potato and peas from his tray with his pudgy fingers. It’s all good, I tell myself as I watch her talk animatedly, her long delicate fingers dancing in the air in front of her. As she laughs at one of Todd’s funny Hollywood stories, I feel my jaws clench, my smile frozen on my face.
No, it’s not all good.
Halfway through the meal, I no longer have an appetite. Alma’s having way too much fun with Todd. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t remind her of Drew; he didn’t serve with him. At least, Alma doesn’t have to worry about Todd going through a flashback or a bad dream. Drew’s memory isn’t hanging in the space between them and neither is that kiss that Alma and I are too busy pretending never happened.
I push my chair away and get up, the legs scraping noisily against the floor. “Sorry, I’m gonna step out for a minute,” I mumble, not waiting for any of them to respond. Most of the food is done anyway, and right now, I need some air.
Outside, the air is cool and the full moon and the stars light up the cloudless sky. I should really step back inside but I can’t. To
dd has always been the life of the party, the one who can hold conversations with people he’s just met. In many ways, he’s like the Alma I’d always known before Drew died, friendly and charismatic, so full of life.
“What’s up?” Todd’s voice breaks through my thoughts as he steps outside and shuts the door behind him.
“Nothing. Just needing some fresh air, that’s all.”
Todd pulls out the keys to his Jeep. “I’m heading home.”
I turn to look at him, perplexed. “Why? You were having fun in there.”
“And you weren’t,” he says, chuckling as he stands next to me. In the distance, the lights of the Pearl glow against the night sky.
“I’m good,” I mutter.
“Come on, Sawyer, I’m not here to steal your woman.”
I look at him, his blond hair lit up from behind, casting a glow about his head. “She’s not my–”
“Spare me. I’ve got eyes, remember?” Todd laughs under his breath. “I don’t know what happened during your drive here but the chemistry between you two is off the charts. You guys also can’t stop looking at each other while pretending you’re not looking at each other.”
“That’s not true.”
“Oh come on, Sawyer, she likes you or she wouldn’t have uprooted her life to come out with you out in the middle of nowhere.” He looks behind us, the lights from inside the Willow making the bottle bricks in the walls glow in different colors. “And you wouldn’t have offered her this place right off the bat. I’ve got to admit, it’s the best one we’ve built yet.”
“Todd, she’s my best friend’s wife–”
“Correction. She’s your best friend’s widow,” Todd says. “But if you think you’re staying away for Drew’s sake, think again. You’re only cheating yourself and that amazing woman in there.”
“That’s easy for you to say. I don’t want to take advantage of her.”
“Who’s taking advantage of who?” Todd asks. “Wanna bet, Drew would rather see her happy with someone who’s crazy about her—maybe it’s you or maybe it’s someone else out there—than living alone wondering if that’s her lot in life because she couldn’t save him.”
I feel my jaws clench and I take a deep intake of breath. “It’s not her fault.”
“Look, I know how close you and Drew were. Not only that, but I know he saved your ass back there and for that, I’m grateful to him,” Todd says. “But if you think that just because he saved your life, therefore you owe it to him to do the,” he hooks the index and middle fingers of his hands, “right thing, think again. It’s called real life, kid, where nothing is ever easy… and where nothing is ever black and white.”
12
Alma
I watch the headlights of Todd’s Jeep slice through the darkness as he drives away. Seconds later, the door opens and Sawyer comes in. I don’t know what happened to cause him to leave in the middle of dinner but I’m glad he’s back. Did he really think Todd was flirting with me?
“Hey, stranger, everything okay?” I ask playfully and he flashes me a sheepish smile before joining me in the dining room.
He reaches for one of the plates. “Let me help you with that.”
“You don’t have to, Sawyer. I can–” Our fingers brush together as we reach for the same plate and I freeze, feeling the electricity course through my fingers all the way down my spine. That was definitely not static electricity.
“Thank you so much for dinner, Al. It was excellent.” He cocks his head toward Tyler who’s still sitting in the high chair, getting more mashed peas in his hair. “And I think he agrees.”
I lift Tyler from his high chair. “I need to give him a quick bath and get him ready for bed.”
“Then let me help clean up. If you run the water in the bathroom, I’ll get to check the water pressure while I’m washing the dishes.”
I arch an eyebrow, not believing him. “Did you just make that up? The water pressure’s just fine.”
“I’d like to call it quality control,” he says, grinning.
“Okay.” Not wanting to argue and secretly relieved that he came back, I carry a protesting Tyler to the bathroom where I get him ready for his bath and then to bed.
As I get Tyler cleaned up in the tub, I tell myself not to hurry but it’s useless. It feels like my heart and my body are doing their own thing even as my mind is busy telling everything below to calm down. I’m suddenly jumpy, like I’m going on my first date.
He’s only washing the dishes, Alma. Goodness!
Half an hour later, I step out of Tyler’s nursery and find Sawyer drying the last of the dishes and putting them away in the cupboard. Tall, broad shoulders, slim hips, he’s perfect in every way. He even puts the dishes away.
“How was the water pressure?” I ask as he turns to face me, drying his hands and setting the towel on the rack.
“Just like dinner, perfect,” he replies.
I hate having to put him on the spot but I don’t want to play any more games. “Sawyer, about the other day–”
“I’m not sorry for kissing you.”
“I’m not either. But why do I feel like you’re pulling away?”
“Because I promised Drew I’d take care of you, not take advantage of you.”
“Who says you’re taking advantage of me?” I ask. “You’ve helped me more than anyone I know. You offered this place when you didn’t have to. You drove with us when you could have flown instead. That’s not taking advantage of me at all. That’s being a… a good friend.”
“That’s the problem, Al,” he murmurs as he closes the space between us. “I don’t want to be just a friend to you.”
The silence that follows is deafening. Ever since that moment in the hallway when he took me aside to ask me how I was doing, I could have sworn there was something else in his eyes that was more than just concern for me as a friend. It was in the way he cupped my face and looked at me… really looked at me as if he were seeing me for the very first time in a way that I never realized. And as he brings his hand to my face, it’s the same feeling only this time, I’m not afraid that Drew will come around the corner and demand what the hell Sawyer is doing with his wife.
But Drew is dead and I can’t keep beating myself up over leaving him. I can’t keep living in the past. I want to live again, really live again and feel again. And if I have to break the rules, then I will.
“I don’t want you to be just a friend either,” I whisper. “That day you came over the house and asked me if I was okay–”
“I was very worried about you and I…” Sawyer pauses, as if trying to find the words, “I let my emotions get the best of me. I went too far and it almost cost me my friendship with Drew. I had to step away.”
My heart sinks. “Is that what you plan to do? Step away again?”
Still cradling my face in his hands, Sawyer shakes his head. His eyes are so blue, darker than I remember, and his scent so manly, so intoxicating. “What do you plan to do then?”
“This,” he murmurs, his head lowering toward mine. Our lips brush gently at first, almost shyly as if we’re enjoying the first kiss of our lives but we don’t pull apart awkwardly like we did before.
His hands drop around my waist, pulling my body tightly against his. I rest my hands behind his neck, our lips still locked in a kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and desire all rolled into one. It’s as if we’re afraid that if we stop, we might not get a second chance at this. I rest my hands on his broad chest, feeling his muscles tightening as his own hands begin to wander—up my back at first, sending tingles running up and down my spine—and then down over my hips. My knees feel like jelly and I cling to him, wanting nothing more than to open myself up to him completely.
“Sawyer…” I stop kissing him for a moment, my lips close to his ear as he continues to kiss and nibble on my neck, his hardness pressing against my belly. It feels like a steel rod and the butterflies in my stomach flutter like mad. There’s nothing I woul
dn’t do to feel him inside me. “Sawyer, I want you.”
Sawyer makes a throaty sound against the skin between my neck and shoulder, sending a vibration that goes straight between my legs and starting a fire that only his cock can put out. I whimper as he slides his hand along my front, slipping under my top and gliding over my breasts. I gasp as his fingers find my nipple and pinch it through my bra.
“Are you sure you want this, Alma? Because there’ll be no turning back once I get started. I won’t be able to.”
I pull away, looking into his blue eyes, hoping he can see all the heat, all the desire, all the built-up tension that’s bursting in the seams since that first kiss. No, long before that, when we stood in that hallway more than a year ago and he asked me if everything was okay. I nod, biting my lip as his gaze moves down my face to my mouth.
As one corner of his mouth lifts in a knowing smile, Sawyer scoops my legs out from under me and carries me toward the bedroom. I wrap my arms around his neck, inhaling his scent and sucking on his neck hungrily. When he reaches the bed, he lowers my feet to the floor, pulling my dress over my head and tossing it to the floor. His nostrils flare as he studies me for a moment before I bunch his shirt in my hands and whisk them off his shoulders. I gasp at the sight of his chiseled chest and the tattoos that each tell a story, from the Asian tiger on his left bicep to the phoenix on his right. And then there are the scars that mark his skin where there are no tattoos to obscure them.
We kiss again, almost desperate longing for a connection firmly in place, our hands seeking each other out, his hands fisting my hair as his tongue slips between my teeth. I tug at his belt, our lips still connected, but he grips my hand.
“I want to see you first,” he murmurs. “I want to remember the moment I see your body for the first time.”
