I thought there might be something in there about Lilly’s pregnancy or Colby. I took it out and saw the photos when you came in. I panicked, okay, I didn’t fucking know what to do! I knew you would freak, Jesus!” I jump as his fist slams into the wall beside me.
He lowers his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please just don’t leave okay. I know how this must look. It’s fucked up! I don’t want to fucking hide anything from you. I’m struggling to let go, to move on from all of this. But, that was until I met you,” he pleads.
His eyes are black as he looks at me, chest heaving. For the first time, Ben’s warnings are starting to make more sense. This is clearly only the tip of the iceberg. The secrets locked up in these files have their claws so deep inside of him, and now, it’s threatening to tear us apart. How did this happen? All I want is to be with him, but…I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m beginning to understand why Ben decided to break away. This family and its secrets are toxic.
Suddenly I feel as if the negative commentary my brain has been drip-feeding me was true. I have more questions than ever before, and even less answers. I cup my face in my hands, “I…I just don’t know.”
His on his knees in front of me pulling my hands from my face. I can see frustration and anger in his eyes. “Baby please, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before I met you. Lord knows I have a shit load of skeletons that I’m trying to keep inside the fucking closet but it’s killing me, my families secrets are making me into something I don’t want to be anymore. I wish I had known you in a different time in my life, but the truth is there’s never been a good time, and I don’t know if there ever will be. This is all I’ve got to give you, the broken parts. Please, just give me a chance to make this right.”
He holds my hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over the back. I look back at the bed where the crumbled photo of Mama lies. I thought I was over her, but seeing her after all this time just broke my right back down.
“Why would your Mother have a photo of my mom?” The tears streamed down my cheeks.
He walks to the bed and pulls me onto his lap. “After Ben left my mother got a private investigator to keep an eye on him. I guess she wanted to know he is safe. The only logical explanation for the photo’s of you and Ben is because he was here doing his fucking monthly rounds or whatever the fuck Private Investigator’s do, and he got the two of you on the porch. I don’t know why there’s a photo of your Mother. Maybe he thought you were together and my mother wanted to know more about your family-I don’t know-I’m guessing here.”
I get up and walk to the window. A sharp pain shoots through my heart as I see Josh’s reflection in the glass. He looks so lost, so vulnerable. Amidst all the freaking out I forgot how he must feel knowing he’s mother had done all this. Shit. Here I am accusing him of something that wasn’t really his fault.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, it’s just, I didn’t expect any of this, I thought I’m okay, but I’m not. I really want to be with you, I’ve never felt this way about anyone and it scares the crap out of me. But you’re not letting me in Josh, I can’t help you if you don’t trust me.”
“Oh baby” He’s at my side before I can blink. Feeling his strong arms around me is like a buffer from all the ugliness, hurt and pain.
“I’m so sorry, I had no idea. This is exactly what I didn’t want. I never wanted to hurt you, sweet Jesus, you’re the reason I need to put this behind me. I can’t do this anymore baby. The hate, the anger and regret…it’s killing me, until I met you. I know that I’ve shut you out but it’s only because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I promise, if you give me a chance I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right. If you want to find your mom, I can do that, I’ll do anything, just don’t go…please.”
Chapter 29
“Earth to Sophie”
Alice stands in front of me holding a dress in each hand. “Which one?”
“Uhm…“I give her a sheepish smile. After Josh brought me home on Monday I’ve been a mess. It is like my body has been torn into pieces, like shards of a broken mirror, and in each piece there is something dark staring back at me. I didn’t even know where to begin to make sense of it all.
She throws the clothes over the back of the sofa and falls down next to me. “So you going to tell me what’s really bugging you, cause I’m not buying the whole you think you’re coming down with something crap.” She folds her lips over her teeth and pries the tub of caramel ice cream from my hands.
I pull my knees up to my chest and fold my arms around my legs. “I saw a photo of my mother.”
“Whoa what?” she leans forward, eyes stretched, mouth open.
Even hearing myself say the words made my mouth feel dry. I swallow the lump in my throat trying to think how to deliver this not to make it sound so freaky, but it was too messed up. I might as well just spit it out.
“Josh’s mother had a Private Investigator follow Ben after he left, and he followed him back to Port Angeles.”
Her hand flew to her mouth, “Oh my God.”
“There’s photo’s of Ben with me, and, Josh recons his mom thought that we were a couple and she wanted to know more about me so she had him dig into my family.”
Alice lowers her hands from her mouth. “Oh my God, I…I don’t even know what to say. Fuck! Does Ben know?”
“Uhm, no, I- we don’t think so. His mother instructed the lawyer to burn the file if something happens to her. You should see it Alice; it’s so fucked up. Old newspaper clippings of when she had a miscarriage, their marriage, everything is in there.”
“How did Josh get it?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“OMG.” She sat back against the arm of the sofa. “I’m so sorry Soph I don’t even know what to say-It’s just-“
“I know. It’s fucked up. I freaked out, when I saw the photo…I lost it…I thought he knew about it, but he didn’t. He found the photo of Ben and I just as I walked into the room and that’s when I grabbed the file and saw the photo of my…mom.”
“Fuck.” Alice licked a glob of ice cream from the spoon and hands me the tub.
“I don’t know what to do, I mean, it’s not him, it’s his family. I guess his mom did me a favor. If she weren’t so concerned for Ben then I wouldn’t know that she’s still alive.”
Alice takes my hand, pressing it tight. “Oh hun, look, forget about the date, I’m staying here with you tonight.”
“No, no please, I don’t want you to do that, just go, I’m bad company anyway, just leave me with the ice cream and I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“Soph, don’t try and bullshit me, I know you. You’ve been moping around since Josh brought you back and I’m kinda pissed off that you’re only telling me now.” She glares at me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bug you when you’re busy at work and besides, it’s my shit. I need to sort it out.”
She puts her hand on her heart, “Ouch.”
I lean forward and lay against her with my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, you know what I mean.”
“What are you going to do about your mom?” she strokes my knotted hair. I’m still in my PJ’s and looked like hag.
“I don’t know.”
“How’s Josh taking all of this?”
I exhale, but the heavy feeling sitting on my chest is still there. “I don’t know, he said he had stuff to take care of, he doesn’t really go into specifics.”
She pulls a face, “Maybe that’s for the best hun, I’ m sure he’s got a lot on his plate, and I guess he must feel pretty shit about his mother having that file.”
“What’s going to happen to us, Al? I mean, what if Ben was right and his life’s too complicated for a relationship?”
“Like being in love with your best friend?” she snorts.
I turn around and lay on my back, looking up at her. With everything that’s been going on I’ve forgotten how
hard things are for her right now. “Have you heard from him?”
“He calls, it’s okay, but I can’t see him doing the whole long distance thing.” she says contemplatively, playing with my hair.
“What are you going to do?”
“Accept the inevitable.” she said in a serious tone.
“I’m beginning to think that’s not such a bad idea…”
Chapter 30
~Josh~
After the fucking nightmare the file had unleashed, I had to take care of a few things including a meeting with the Investigator who was responsible for the photos. Turns out he had a lot more dirt on my family which he could use against us for the right price. Mutt paid the dog and got a box full of incriminating evidence in the Apartment 402 case. Seems like my father’s lawyers and the Mayor’s office tried to make this mistake go away. But shit like that tends to resurrect itself, and now it’s coming after me.
Sophie spent the rest of the week with Alice but that was as much time away from her as I could take. Now that she knows a little bit more about my family I thought it would be a good idea to bring her to the house where we lived before Ben left. Maybe Ben would come around on Sunday before they go back home.
The car slows and she sits up, bright-eyed, looking at the house as the gates open slowly. “This is your house?” she looks back at me. “It’s beautiful, Josh.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
She looks around at the gardens and the fountain as we pass, “I love it.”
I pull up outside the front door where Annie is already waiting for us, hands clasped to her chest. She is like a mother hen, and I am glad she is here for Sophie. She swings around and looks at me with big eyes. “Who’s that?”
“That’s Annie, she’s the lady of the house, and she’s very excited to meet you.”
Her hand flies to her hair, “Do I look okay?”
I lean her over and kiss her, stopping the rambling. She lets out a deep breath when I pull away. “You are perfect baby, and she’ll love you.”
By the time I take the suitcase from the trunk, Annie has her arm around Sophie escorting her into the house. I walk in and close the front door, then take the suitcase up to my room. When I get back downstairs, Sophie sits in the lounge with a cup of tea.
“Oh Josh, she’s just beautiful, Mrs. Grace would have been so happy,” Annie coos over Sophie as I walk in, hovering over her as if she is her own daughter, who she sadly lost a few years ago. I stand behind Sophie and kiss her on the head. She looks up at me with a blushing smile and I feel that ache in my chest again. The one that seems to keep coming up whenever I’m with her.
Annie walks up to me and gives me the customary kiss goodnight on the forehead before she leaves for the night.
“It’s good to have you back home my boy.” She smiles. “Take care of that girl, she’s very special.”
I nod and pull her in for a hug. “I know.”
I walk her out, and when I come back, Sophie is standing on the balcony overlooking the city lights drifting on the water. I take a second to imprint yet another perfect memory. She turns around as I stand behind her with my arms wrapped around that perfect body. “Josh, this is amazing, everything is just…”
“Perfect, like you.” I dip my head down and nibble on her neck. The smell of her has an instant effect on my cock. I want her. I couldn’t get enough of her. She ‘s like a little ray of sunshine in his house that holds so much darkness.
She lets out a soft moan as I run my fingers over her shirt, feeling her nipples pebbling against the thin material. “I need you, baby.”
She gasps as my hands slip down between her thighs, cupping her cheeks. I can feel the lacy edge of her panties covering her tight pussy. My cock is pulsing as my middle fingers slip in underneath her panties and stroke her small triangle. “Fuck, you’re so wet baby.”
“You, in my bed, now!” I lift her up and carry her upstairs, with her arms locked around my neck. I can see she’s burning for me. My room is on the other side of the house, away from prying eyes and ears. This is my sanctuary, where no woman has been before.
I carry her to the middle of the room and lower her to her feet. My hands skim down the sides of her body, pushing my fingers underneath her dress, up along her thighs to that tiny strip of moist fabric between her legs. My fingers pry the moist strip to the side and delve into her wet silkiness. Her teeth sink into the side of my lip as my fingers push into her sleek tight heat. She stands on her tippy toes, her one hand on mine as I slip another finger into her, teasing that hard little knob. She lets out a high mew, as my middle finger strokes her clit. Her nails dig into the side of my arm as my fingers move faster and deeper, pushing her over the edge as she comes for me.
“That was the appetizer baby, get ready for the main course.”
She slips her dress over her head, and she turns around facing me in her white lace bra and panties. Her eyes are hazy with desire.
“Me first.” She licks her lips as her hands move to the front of my pants, undoing them then going down on her knees in front of me as she pushes them down to the floor. My balls clench as she moves her pouty lips against my pulsing cock, slowly moving her hand up and down my shaft. My hands move to her head, barely touching her hair that flows over her breasts like a golden river.
“Sweet Jesus, baby you’re killing me.”
She smiles at me as she wets her lips then grips the base of my shaft, and closes her mouth over my sensitive tip, wrapping her tongue around me, taking a bit more of me into her mouth. I have to restrain myself from easing more of me into her. Her hands move to my balls, softly kneading each one in her fingers as her tongue flicks the tip, then circling it again before taking a bit more. Raw animalistic urges flow though my veins and I thrust deeper into her mouth.
“Fuck, I’m sorry babe, are you okay?” She looks up at me with slightly watery eyes as my cock slips out of her mouth.
“You don’t have to treat me like I’m going to break Josh, I want you to fuck me,” she says under heaving breath, licking her lips.
“You have no idea how fucking turned on I am right now baby, come here.” I lift her up against my chest, and she wraps her legs around my waist.
Her back is against the wall next to the bed in a fucking nanosecond. I reach into the drawers next to us, and grab a condom, but she takes it from me, “Let me.”
I lower her to her feet and watch as she carefully rolls it over my pulsing cock, but that is about as much as I can take. I need to get inside of that sweet tight pussy, now. I lift her up against the wall, her legs wrapped around me, and then push the moist piece of material to the side, sliding into her. Her fingers fist in my hair at the first thrust, taking it slow tonight is not a fucking option. Tonight I want to fuck away every single nightmare I’ve been drowning in and replace it with memories of us.
This is all mine, every inch of her. I hold her up with her back against the wall, banging into her until she cries out for more. I carry her over to the bed, panting, mouth open. Her boobs spring free as I unclasp the bra in the front, then take the side of the mangled lace panty and rip it off.
“Spread your legs baby, I want to eat that sweet pussy of mine.”
She lets out a cute laugh then turns around, ass in the air, resting on her elbows. Sweet Jesus this view is enough to make me blow. I get down on my knees behind her with my hands on her hips. Her pussy is wet with her come, the delicate pink folds thick and fucked, just the way I liked them. My tongue breaches her, sucking that sweet honey from her pulling every ragged breath from her lips.
She looks back at me fisting the sheets as I run the tip of my pulsing cock over her wet clit. She pushes back, but I pull away, teasing her more, until she lifts her upper body from the bed, but I place my one hand over those sexy dimples by her lower back and hold her in place.
I take my cock in hand and lean over her, teasing her one more time with the tip slipping
past her wet entrance, then I slam into her, with one go. She cries out as I pull back all the way, then thrusts in again, harder, until my balls slap against her with every push.
She pants, clawing the sheets, lips trembling and her body glistening with sweat. My balls ache and my toes curl as little sparks shoot through my cock then the release, which come in staggered pulses until I’m drained. I lean over and kiss her on her back, from the scars on her shoulder to the dimples on her lower back. I can feel her still clenching her tight muscles around my cock.
She lets out a small moan as I pull out of her slowly, discarding the condom in the bin next to the bed. She turns around and looks at me, face flushed, lips bruised and eyes hazy.
“Why do you always kiss me there?”
I sit down beside her, letting my fingers caress her lower back. “Because I want you to know that every part of you is beautiful to me, and that your scars are mine”
She slips her small hand into mine and kisses it. “I love you, Josh.”
My heart breaks open as I look into those forgiving eyes. I open my mouth to say the words she longs to hear…but I choke up. She looks at me with puckered brows, the disappointment is clear in her eyes as I pull her up against my chest and wipe the hair from her face “You are mine, and I’m never letting you go.”
Chapter 31
When I open my eyes, I am alone in the most beautiful room, sleek and modern in design, overlooking Seattle’s city lights, the lake, with a beautiful view of Mount Rainier. The huge king-size bed is against the farthest wall with a balcony on one side. The room is bare white with high gloss wooden floors and an enormous flat screen and impressive fireplace with a thick black rug in front of it.
My hands trace over the liquid black satin sheets, and flashes of last night send my heart racing. My limbs ache as I turn on my back. I feel stretched, sore and delicious. Never before, have I felt more alive, more needed, more loved, than when I was in his arms.
The way he looked at me with those silver black-rimmed eyes was as if he could see beneath the surface of my skin, beneath the scars, into my heart, and for a breath of a moment, into my soul.
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