The Patchwork Girl of Oz

by L. Frank Baum

  PEACE IS DECLARED

  CHAP. 23

  "Come with me to my dwelling and I'll introduce you to my daughters,"said the Chief. "We're bringing them up according to a book of rulesthat was written by one of our leading old bachelors, and everyone saysthey're a remarkable lot of girls."

  So Scraps accompanied him along the street to a house that seemed on theoutside exceptionally grimy and dingy. The streets of this city were notpaved nor had any attempt been made to beautify the houses or theirsurroundings, and having noticed this condition Scraps was astonishedwhen the Chief ushered her into his home.

  Here was nothing grimy or faded, indeed. On the contrary, the room wasof dazzling brilliance and beauty, for it was lined throughout with anexquisite metal that resembled translucent frosted silver. The surfaceof this metal was highly ornamented in raised designs representing men,animals, flowers and trees, and from the metal itself was radiated thesoft light which flooded the room. All the furniture was made of thesame glorious metal, and Scraps asked what it was.

  "That's radium," answered the Chief. "We Horners spend all our timedigging radium from the mines under this mountain, and we use it todecorate our homes and make them pretty and cosy. It is a medicine, too,and no one can ever be sick who lives near radium."

  "Have you plenty of it?" asked the Patchwork Girl.

  "More than we can use. All the houses in this city are decorated withit, just the same as mine is."

  "Why don't you use it on your streets, then, and the outside of yourhouses, to make them as pretty as they are within?" she inquired.

  "Outside? Who cares for the outside of anything?" asked the Chief. "WeHorners don't live on the outside of our homes; we live inside. Manypeople are like those stupid Hoppers, who love to make an outside show.I suppose you strangers thought their city more beautiful than ours,because you judged from appearances and they have handsome marble housesand marble streets; but if you entered one of their stiff dwellings youwould find it bare and uncomfortable, as all their show is on theoutside. They have an idea that what is not seen by others is notimportant, but with us the rooms we live in are our chief delight andcare, and we pay no attention to outside show."

  "Seems to me," said Scraps, musingly, "it would be better to make it allpretty--inside and out."

  "Seems? Why, you're all seams, my girl!" said the Chief; and then helaughed heartily at his latest joke and a chorus of small voices echoedthe chorus with "tee-hee-hee! ha, ha!"

  Scraps turned around and found a row of girls seated in radium chairsranged along one wall of the room. There were nineteen of them, byactual count, and they were of all sizes from a tiny child to one almosta grown woman. All were neatly dressed in spotless white robes and hadbrown skins, horns on their foreheads and three-colored hair.

  "These," said the Chief, "are my sweet daughters. My dears, I introduceto you Miss Scraps Patchwork, a lady who is traveling in foreign partsto increase her store of wisdom."

  The nineteen Horner girls all arose and made a polite courtesy, afterwhich they resumed their seats and rearranged their robes properly.

  "Why do they sit so still, and all in a row?" asked Scraps.

  "Because it is ladylike and proper," replied the Chief.

  "But some are just children, poor things! Don't they ever run around andplay and laugh, and have a good time?"

  "No, indeed," said the Chief. "That would be improper in young ladies,as well as in those who will sometime become young ladies. My daughtersare being brought up according to the rules and regulations laid down bya leading bachelor who has given the subject much study and is himself aman of taste and culture. Politeness is his great hobby, and he claimsthat if a child is allowed to do an impolite thing one cannot expect thegrown person to do anything better."

  "Is it impolite to romp and shout and be jolly?" asked Scraps.

  "Well, sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't," replied the Horner,after considering the question. "By curbing such inclinations in mydaughters we keep on the safe side. Once in a while I make a good joke,as you have heard, and then I permit my daughters to laugh decorously;but they are never allowed to make a joke themselves."

  "That old bachelor who made the rules ought to be skinned alive!"declared Scraps, and would have said more on the subject had not thedoor opened to admit a little Horner man whom the Chief introduced asDiksey.

  "What's up, Chief?" asked Diksey, winking nineteen times at the nineteengirls, who demurely cast down their eyes because their father waslooking.

  The Chief told the man that his joke had not been understood by the dullHoppers, who had become so angry that they had declared war. So the onlyway to avoid a terrible battle was to explain the joke so they couldunderstand it.

  "All right," replied Diksey, who seemed a good-natured man; "I'll go atonce to the fence and explain. I don't want any war with the Hoppers,for wars between nations always cause hard feelings."

  So the Chief and Diksey and Scraps left the house and went back to themarble picket fence. The Scarecrow was still stuck on the top of hispicket but had now ceased to struggle. On the other side of the fencewere Dorothy and Ojo, looking between the pickets; and there, also, werethe Champion and many other Hoppers.

  Diksey went close to the fence and said:

  "My good Hoppers, I wish to explain that what I said about you was ajoke. You have but one leg each, and we have two legs each. Our legs areunder us, whether one or two, and we stand on them. So, when I said youhad less understanding than we, I did not mean that you had lessunderstanding, you understand, but that you had less standundering, soto speak. Do you understand that?"

  The Hoppers thought it over carefully. Then one said:

  "That is clear enough; but where does the joke come in?"

  Dorothy laughed, for she couldn't help it, although all the others weresolemn enough.

  "I'll tell you where the joke comes in," she said, and took the Hoppersaway to a distance, where the Horners could not hear them. "You know,"she then explained, "those neighbors of yours are not very bright, poorthings, and what they think is a joke isn't a joke at all--it's true,don't you see?"

  "True that we have less understanding?" asked the Champion.

  "Yes; it's true because you don't understand such a poor joke; if youdid, you'd be no wiser than they are."

  "Ah, yes; of course," they answered, looking very wise.

  "So I'll tell you what to do," continued Dorothy. "Laugh at their poorjoke and tell 'em it's pretty good for a Horner. Then they won't daresay you have less understanding, because you understand as much as theydo."

  The Hoppers looked at one another questioningly and blinked their eyesand tried to think what it all meant; but they couldn't figure it out.

  "What do you think, Champion?" asked one of them.

  "I think it is dangerous to think of this thing any more than we canhelp," he replied. "Let us do as this girl says and laugh with theHorners, so as to make them believe we see the joke. Then there will bepeace again and no need to fight."

  They readily agreed to this and returned to the fence laughing as loudand as hard as they could, although they didn't feel like laughing abit. The Horners were much surprised.

  "That's a fine joke--for a Horner--and we are much pleased with it,"said the Champion, speaking between the pickets. "But please don't do itagain."

  "I won't," promised Diksey. "If I think of another such joke I'll try toforget it."

  "Good!" cried the Chief Horner. "The war is over and peace is declared."

  There was much joyful shouting on both sides the fence and the gate wasunlocked and thrown wide open, so that Scraps was able to rejoin herfriends.

  "What about the Scarecrow?" she asked Dorothy.

  "We must get him down, somehow or other," was the reply.

  "Perhaps the Horners can find a way," suggested Ojo. So they all wentthrough the gate and Dorothy asked the Chief Horner how they could getthe Scarecrow off the fence. The Chief didn't know how, but Diksey said:


  "A ladder's the thing."

  "Have you one?" asked Dorothy.

  "To be sure. We use ladders in our mines," said he. Then he ran away toget the ladder, and while he was gone the Horners gathered around andwelcomed the strangers to their country, for through them a great warhad been avoided.

  In a little while Diksey came back with a tall ladder which he placedagainst the fence. Ojo at once climbed to the top of the ladder andDorothy went about halfway up and Scraps stood at the foot of it. Totoran around it and barked. Then Ojo pulled the Scarecrow away from thepicket and passed him down to Dorothy, who in turn lowered him to thePatchwork Girl.

  As soon as he was on his feet and standing on solid ground the Scarecrowsaid:

  "Much obliged. I feel much better. I'm not stuck on that picket anymore."

  The Horners began to laugh, thinking this was a joke, but the Scarecrowshook himself and patted his straw a little and said to Dorothy: "Isthere much of a hole in my back?"

  The little girl examined him carefully.

  "There's quite a hole," she said. "But I've got a needle and thread inthe knapsack and I'll sew you up again."

  "Do so," he begged earnestly, and again the Horners laughed, to theScarecrow's great annoyance.

  While Dorothy was sewing up the hole in the straw man's back Scrapsexamined the other parts of him.

  "One of his legs is ripped, too!" she exclaimed.

  "Oho!" cried little Diksey; "that's bad. Give him the needle and threadand let him mend his ways."

  "Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the Chief, and the other Horners at once roaredwith laughter.

  "What's funny?" inquired the Scarecrow sternly.

  "Don't you see?" asked Diksey, who had laughed even harder than theothers. "That's a joke. It's by odds the best joke I ever made. You walkwith your legs, and so that's the way you walk, and your legs are theways. See? So, when you mend your legs, you mend your ways. Ho, ho, ho!hee, hee! I'd no idea I could make such a fine joke!"

  "Just wonderful!" echoed the Chief. "How do you manage to do it,Diksey?"

  "I don't know," said Diksey modestly. "Perhaps it's the radium, but Irather think it's my splendid intellect."

  "If you don't quit it," the Scarecrow told him, "there'll be a worse warthan the one you've escaped from."

  Ojo had been deep in thought, and now he asked the Chief: "Is there adark well in any part of your country?"

  "A dark well? None that ever I heard of," was the answer.

  "Oh, yes," said Diksey, who overheard the boy's question. "There's avery dark well down in my radium mine."

  "Is there any water in it?" Ojo eagerly asked.

  "Can't say; I've never looked to see. But we can find out."

  So, as soon as the Scarecrow was mended, they decided to go with Dikseyto the mine. When Dorothy had patted the straw man into shape again hedeclared he felt as good as new and equal to further adventures.

  "Still," said he, "I prefer not to do picket duty again. High lifedoesn't seem to agree with my constitution." And then they hurried awayto escape the laughter of the Horners, who thought this was anotherjoke.